I understand Clinton is gonna try a new tactic with fund raising in an effort to comply with the law. You know how we have all these events for charity – walk for this or run for that, etc.
Well, theyre planning on holding a 10 K run, but for campaign funds. Already a lot of the biggest contributors want to know if their butlers may run for them.
If you like British humor! This is really good!
The British Governments policy of socialized medicine has recently been broadened to include a service called Proxy Fathers.
Under the government plan, any married woman who is unable to become pregnant through the first five years of her marriage may request the service of a proxy father – a government employee who attempts to solve the couples problem by impregnating the wife.
The Smiths, a young couple, have no children and a proxy father is due to arrive. Leaving for work, Mr. Smith says, Im off. The government man should be here soon. Moments later a door-to-door baby photographer rings the bell…
Ms Smith: Good morning.
Salesman: Good morning, madam. You dont know me, but Ive come to…
Ms Smith: No need to explain, Ive been expecting you.
Salesman: Really? Well, good. Ive made a specialty of babies, especially twins.
Ms Smith: Thats what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.
Salesman: (Sitting) Then you dont need to be sold on the idea?
Ms Smith: Dont concern yourself. My husband and I both agree this is the right thing to do.
Salesman: Well, perhaps we should get down to it.
Ms Smith: (Blushing) Just where do we start?
Salesman: Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor allows the subject to really spread out.
Ms Smith: Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it hasnt worked for Harry and me.
Salesman: Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time, but if we try several locations and I shoot from six or seven angles, Im sure youll be pleased with the results. In fact, my business card says, I aim to please.
Ms Smith: Pardon me, but isnt this a little informal?
Salesman: Madam, in my line of work, a man must be at ease and take his time. Id love to be in and out in five minutes, but youd be disappointed with that.
Ms Smith: Dont I know! Have you had much success at this?
Salesman: (Opening his briefcase and finding baby pictures) Just look at this picture. Believe it or not, it was done on top of a bus in downtown London.
Ms Smith: Oh, my!!
Salesman: And here are pictures of the prettiest twins in town. They turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.
Ms Smith: She was?
Salesman: Yes, Im afraid so. I finally had to take her down to Hyde Park to get the job done right. Ive never worked under such impossible conditions. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.
Ms Smith: Four and five deep?
Salesman: Yes and for more than three hours, too. The mother got so excited she started bouncing around, squealing and yelling at the crowd. I couldnt concentrate. Im afraid I had to ask a couple of men to restrain her. By that time darkness was approaching and I began to rush my shots. When the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I just packed it all in.
Ms Smith: You mean they actually chewed on your, eh…, equipment?
Salesman: Thats right, but its all in a days work. I consider my work a pleasure. Ive spent years perfecting my patented technique. Now take this baby, I shot this one in the front window of a big department store.
Ms Smith: I just cant believe it.
Salesman: Well, madam, if youre ready, Ill set up my tripod so that we can get to work.
Ms Smith: TRIPOD?!?
Salesman: Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my equipment on. Its much too heavy and unwieldy for me to hold while Im shooting. Ms Smith? … Ms Smith? … My word, shes fainted!
Ever notice how so many of womens problems can be traced to the male gender?
MENstruation, MENopause, MENtal breakdown, GUYnecology, HIMmorrhoids…
A frustrated wife decided her sex life needed spicing up.
After work, she went shopping and picked up a pair of crotchless panties. She went home and donned the new garment, and selected a short skirt to go with it.
She greeted her husband when he came home from work and sat across from him as she sipped a drink.
She slowly spread her legs … Honey would you like some of this? she asked enticingly. Hell no! he gasped, look what its done to your underwear!
"Im prescribing
these pills for you," said the doctor to the overweight patient,
who tipped the scales at about three hundred pounds.
"I dont want you to swallow them. Just spill them on the floor
twice a day and pick them up, one at a time…."
Purring: Sound of a cat manufacturing cuteness.
Purrverse: Poem about a strange kitty.
Purranoia: The fear that your cat is up to something.
Human being: Automatic door opener for cats.
Purrpetual: Everlasting love for domesticated felines.
Purrson: A male kitty.
Purrpetual motion: A kitty playing.
A blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a coke.
The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins.
She returns and starts feeding the machine madly and, of course, the machine keeps feeding out drinks.
Another woman walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before asking if someone else could have a go.
The blonde spins around and shouts in her face, Cant you see Im winning?
Subject: MOUSE BALLS
> How To Replace Mouse Balls
I dont know how they wrote this with a straight face. This was a real memo sent out by a computer company (IBM) to its employees in all seriousness. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite genuine. The engineers rolled on the floor! Especially note the last couple of sentences.
Re: Replacement of Mouse Balls.
If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units).
Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.
Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method.
Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.
It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.
Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.
Jenna
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender: Can I have a hot rag for my nose?
The bartender says yes, but why do you need that for your nose?
The man answers Well, a couple of seconds ago I tried to sniff coke, but and ice cube got stuck up my nose.
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying A dollar per point. The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $56 change.