Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than grandpa.

Your masseuse uses lard.

Your wifes best shoes have steel toes.

Silent Labs

Silent labs, difficult labs
All with math, all with graphs
Observations of colors and smells
Calculations and graph curves like bells
Memories of tests that have past
Oh, how long will chemistry last?

Silent labs, difficult labs
All with math, all with graphs
Lots of equations that need balancing
Gas pressure problems that make my head ring
Santa Chlorines on his way
Oh, Please Santa bring me an A.

Q: How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One–but Bill Gates must inspect every single bulb and socket before the operation is started.

An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Irishman says, Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, theres a better one. At McDougals, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and McDougal himself will buy your third drink! The others agree that sounds like a nice place.

Then the Italian says, Yeah, thats a nice bar, but where I come from, theres a better one. Over in Brooklyn, theres this place, Vinnys. At Vinnys, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink.

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Polish guy says, You think thats great? Where I come from, theres this place called Warshowskis. At Warshowskis, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!

Wow! say the other two.

Thats fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?

No, replies the Polish guy, but it happened to my sister!

A guy goes for his annual check-up, and about a week later his doctor calls him in to give him the results.

Well, says the doc, Youre in pretty good health, however I do have some good news and bad news for you.

Give me the GOOD news first. requests the guy.

Youre penis is three inches longer than it was on your last physical.

Thats GREAT! exclaims the guy, but whats the BAD news?

The doctor replies, Its malignant!

Three sons left home to make their fortunes, and they all did very, very well for themselves. They got together recently and were discussing what they each had done to benefit their aging mother.

Well, said the first one, I bought Mom a huge house in Beverly Hills.

I bought her a Mercedes and hired a full-time driver for her.

Ive got you both beat, said the third.

I bought her a miraculous parrot that can recite any Bible verse you tell it to.

A little later, the mother sent out a thank you letter to all three sons.

Gerald — the house you bought was too big. I only live in one room, but I have to clean the entire house. Milton — the car is useless because I dont go anywhere because Im too old. But Robert — you know exactly what I like. The chicken was delicious.

En el asilo de ancianos, le pregunta un abuelo a otro:

¿Por qué te enfadaste con tu compañero de cuarto?

Por abusivo.

¿Por abusivo?

Sí, usaba mis camisas, mis corbatas y mis trajes, y no me importó. Lo que no pude tolerar fue que se riera de mí con mi propia dentadura postiza.

Jaimito era un gamberro en clase. La maestra era ciega. Un día enfadada le mando a todo el mundo a raparse la cabeza. Jaimito penso: Cómo me voy a rapar la cabeza con mi cabello tan bonito como lo tengo.

Entonces tuvo una idea. Al día siguiente la maestra empezó a tocar las cabezas de los niños y todas estaban correctas, pero cuando llegó a Jaimito, Jaimito le puso el culo para que lo tocara y la maestra exclamó:

¡Muy bien, Jaimito y con la raya en medio!

Did you hear that Clinton wants to change the national bird?

He wants to change it to the Swallow.

Yo mamas so fat she uses the Empire state building for a dildo.