Old and New Jokes

Una señora acude al ginecólogo porque estaba un poco amoscada por una raya negra que tenía en la entrepierna, justo en la ingle.

El médico la examina, le dice que no parece grave y le receta una pomada, pidiéndole que regrese a los quince días.

Pasado ese tiempo, la mujer vuelve y resulta que la raya no había desaparecido, sino que, aún más, ésta se había ensanchado. Entonces, el ginecólogo le receta una pomada más fuerte y le pide regresar en ocho días.

La señora vuelve y la raya era más ancha aún, tanto que ahora el mosqueado era el médico. Tratando de encontrar una solución comienza a interrogarla:

Dígame, ¿a qué se dedica su marido?

Es carpintero.

¡Ahí está, joder! ¡Dígale a su esposo que cuando le coma el coño se quite el lapicero de la oreja, cojones!

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said,



You seem like nice young men, and Id like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. Ill see you back in court Monday.



Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, How did you do over the weekend?



Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.

17 people? Thats wonderful. What did you tell them?

I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this…



…O…o



…and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs.

Thats admirable, said the judge.



And you, how did you do?, he asked the second boy, Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.

156 people! Thats amazing! How did you manage to do that?!?,

Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)



…o…O



I said (pointing to the small circle) this is your asshole before prison, …

Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?

A: Proof reading.

He– Its coming up on your birthday and Id like some idea of what
you would like for your birthday.

She– I want a divorce!!

Pause–

He– Im really sorry, but I hadnt planned to spend that much.

The following are actual instructions found on the named items:



ON HAIRDRYER INSTRUCTIONS;

– Do not use while sleeping.



ON A BAG OF FRITOS:

– You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.



ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP,

– Directions: Use like regular soap.



ON A FROZEN DINNER:

– Serving suggestion: Defrost.



ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP IN A BOX: – Fits one head.



ON TESCOS TIRIMISU DESERT

– Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)



ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING

– Product will be hot after heating



ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON – Do not Iron clothes on body



ON BOOTS CHILDRENS COUGH MEDICINE

– Do not drive car or operate machinery



ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID)

– Warning: may cause drowsiness



ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE

– Warning keep out of children



ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS

– For indoor or outdoor use only.



ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR

– Not to be used for the other use



ON SAINSBURYS PEANUTS

– Warning: contains nuts



ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS

– Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.



ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW

– Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands



ON A PACKET OF SUNMAID RAISINS

– Why not try tossing over your favorite breakfast cereal?

Q: What did one vampire lesbian say the the other?

A: See you next month.

A tom cat and a tabby cat were courting on a back fence at night. The tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and purred… Ill die for you! The tabby gazed at him from under lowered eye lids and asked, How many times?

Q: Whats long, green, thin, and smells like pork?

A: Kermits finger!

At a paternity trial, the blondes lawyer asked, On the night of July 16th last, at approximately 11:45 p.m., in the locale known generally as Lovers Lane did the defendant have sexual relations with you ?

Yes. whispered the girl, her head bowed.

And did the defendant on that occasion, to the best of your knowledge, have a climax ? the lawyer continued.

Oh no. she replied, Im pretty sure he had one of them real fancy Mazdas.

Q: How many Unix Support staff does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Read the man page!