Old and New Jokes

Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

A blonde was helping her mother in the kitchen by filling the salt shaker. 30 minutes later her moter asked,why arent you done yet? She replied, Mommy its so hard to get the salt through the little holes!

Notice to Employees (Includes Part Time Workers)

SICKNESS
We will no longer accept your doctors statements as proof. We believe if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to work.

LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR SURGERY
We are no longer allowing this practice. As long as you are employed here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for. Anyone having operations will be FIRED immediately.

PREGNANCY
In the event of extreme pregnancy, you will be allowed to go to the first aid room when the pains are FIVE MINUTES apart. IF it is false labor, you will have to take an hours leave without pay.

DEATH
This will be accepted as an excuse, BUT we would like two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone your job prior to … or after death.

This new benefit program started yesterday.

THE MANAGEMENT

You might be a redneck if…
Birds are attracted to your beard.

Retirement means twice as much husband for half as much money.

Marriage Warnings
Finally, here is some warning given out in good faith!

Shaadi ke pehle – Agar Tum Na Hote:(

Shaadi ke baad – Agar Tum Na Hote:)

Shaadi ke pehle – Maine Pyar Kiya

Shaadi ke baad – Ye Maine Kya Kiya?

Shaadi ke pehle – Kuch Kuch Hota Hai

Shaadi ke baad – Kuch Nahi Hota Hai

Shaadi ke pehle – Dil To Pagal Hai

Shaadi ke baad – Dil To Pagal Tha

Shaadi ke pehle – Ek Duje Ke Liye

Shaadi ke baad – Sirf Bachcho Ke Liye

Shaadi ke pehle – Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge

Shaadi ke baad – Baaki Log Sukhi Ho Jayenge

Shaadi ke pehle – Chandramukhi

Shaadi ke baad – Jwaalamukhi

Shaadi ke pehle – Kuwara Baap

Shaadi ke baad – Bechara Baap

Shaadi ke pehle – Titanic

Shaadi ke baad – Mortgage

Shaadi ke pehle – Hum Aapke Hai Koun?

Shaadi ke baad – Barbadi Ka Kaaran

Shaadi ke pehle – Yes Boss:)

Shaadi ke baad – Yes Boss:(

Shaadi ke pehle – Mere Sapno Ki Rani

Shaadi ke baad – Chutki Ki Amma

Shaadi ke pehle – Kabhi Kabhi

Shaadi ke baad – If you are lucky

Shaadi ke pehle – Aao Pyar Karen

Shaadi ke baad – Aur Bhi Kuch Kaam Karen?

Shaadi ke pehle – Hum Apke Hain

Shaadi he baad – Hum Apke Hai Koun?

Después de la guerra, el sargento le ordena a su batallón que recojan todos los cadáveres del ejército de Tontilandia. A los dos días, llega el cabo:

Señor, ya hemos terminado con la recolección.

Muy bien, cabo, ahora, proceda a enterrarlos.

A los tres días, llega el cabo:

Ya he terminado, señor.

Muy bien, vayamos a ver.

Cuando llegan al cementerio, el sargento ve que todos los cuerpos están enterrados de pie y con la cabeza afuera de la tierra. El sargento le pregunta qué demonios hizo, a lo que el cabo contesta:

Bueno, los enterré así para no confundirnos con las lápidas…

A fireman came home from work one day and told his wife,
We really have a wonderful system at the Fire Dept.
Bell 1 rings, we all put on our coats.
Bell 2 rings, and we all slide down the pole.
Bell 3 rings, and we are all on the truck ready to go.
From now on we are going to run this house the same.
When I say: Bell 1, you strip naked.
Bell 2, you jump into bed.
Bell 3, we are going to make love all night
The next night when he came home from work and yelled:
Bell 1! She took off all her clothes.
Bell 2! She jumped into bed.
Bell 3! They began making love.
After a few minutes she yelled Bell 4.
He said What the hell is Bell 4?
More hose she responded, You aint nowhere near the fire.

You know youre unloved if …

• when you were born, your Father gave out old cigar butts

• as a baby, your Father threw you in the air and walked away

• you find out your Mother is nursing another baby on the side

• your tub toys included a toaster shaped like a rubber duck

• your folks threw a going-into-the-Army party when you were 3

• you run away, and the family cant give the Police a description

• you were always stood-up at the Father-Son banquet at Church

• kidnappers send back your ear & your parents demand more proof

• you play hide & seek with Mom and she hides in another town

• your parents take you to an orphanage and tell you to mingle

• you had to share your sandbox with the cat

• you always got your allowance in Travelers Checks

• you join the marching band in school and they give you a piano

• you take a girl to the Tunnel of Love & she makes you swim

• you were the only candidate for Class President & came in fifth

• the only thing your girl wants out of your relationship is her

• your kids file a paternity suit against you

• the surgeon operating on you says, Ill take all calls.

When God created Adam, he asked him for the perfect companion: Somebody intelligent, nice, sexy, funny … etc.

Of course I can do it God replies, but it will cost you one leg and one arm.

Hmmm … And what can I get for one rib?