Old and New Jokes

There is a guy. His favorite bar is called Sallys Legs. The bar is closed, so he waits outside for it to open. He was waiting a long time and a cop got suspicious, came over to him, and asked, What are you doing? The guy replies, Im waiting for Sallys Legs to open so I can get a drink.

Why Coffee Is Better Than Women:

~ Coffee doesnt mind if you wake up at 3 AM and decide to have some. ~ You wont get arrested for trying to buy coffee at 3 AM. ~ Coffee never runs out. ~ No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee. ~ You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee. ~ When coffee gets old, you can throw it away. ~ Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning. ~ Coffee can be ready in 15 minutes or less. ~ White men can take black coffee home to their parents. ~ Coffee doesnt complain when you put whipped cream on it. ~ You can always heat up coffee. ~ Coffee smells and looks good in the morning. ~ If you put chocolate in your coffee, it doesnt put on weight. ~ Two words; INSTANT COFFEE !

How can you tell a blonde has had a bad day? She has a tampon tucked under her ear and she cant find her pencil.

What do you call it when a blonde dies her hair brunette? Artificial intelligence.

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical-looking parrots on a perch and says: The parrot on the left costs $500.

Why does the parrot cost so much?

asks the customer. The owner says Well, the parrot knows how to do legal research.

The customer then asks about the next parrot, to be told that this one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to write a brief that will win any case.

Naturally, the increasingly startled customer asks about the third parrot, to be told that it costs $4,000. Needless to say, this begs the question, What can it do?

To which the owner replies, To be honest, Ive never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner.

Defence Attorney: What is your age?

Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.

Defence Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?

Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defence Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defence Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you?

Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.

Defence Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Woman: No, I didnt stop him.

Defence Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.

Defence Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.

Defence Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Woman: Hell No, I did not stop him.

Defence Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I havent felt that good in years!

Defence Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him, take me, young man, Take me!

Defence Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Woman: Hell, no. Thats when he yelled, April Fool! And thats when I shot the son of a bitch!

Did you hear about the blonde that got fired from the M&M factory? She threw away all the ws

A man who went to Church with his wife fell was always falling asleep during the sermon. The wife decided to do something about this and one Sunday took a long hat pin along to poke him with every time he would doze off.

As the preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out … and who created all there is in 6 days and rested on the 7th.. She poked her husband who then came flying out of the pew and screamed Good God all mighty.

The minister said Thats right, thats right and went on with his sermon.

The man sat back down, muttering under his breath and later began to doze off again when the minister got to … and who died on the cross to save us from our sins… the wife hit him again and he jumped up and shouted Jesus Christ.

The Minister said thats right, Thats Right and went on with his sermon.

The man sat back down and began to watch his wife and when the minister got to … and what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their second child the wife started to poke the husband but he jumped up and said If you stick that damn thing in me again Ill break it off!

10) Broken masonry makes great drainage for potted plants.9) Get beaten up by people half your size and twice your age.8) Never run out of kindling wood again.7) No need to wonder what belt to wear.6) Get to be on first name basis with the Emergency Room staff.5) These uniforms make nice pajamas.4) Never need to wonder why its hard to get up in the morning.3) Get to appreciate the finer points of Chuck Norris acting.2) Learn to count to 10 in 3 different Asian languages. And the top reason for studying martial arts:
1) (Tie) Get to star in Ginsu commercials. / Three words: free nose job.

Se encontraba un abuelito dispuesto a bañarse cuanto se quitó la toalla se dio cuenta que su pene se encontraba erecto y dijo:

!Milagro, Milagro! y comenzó a masturbarse.

Después te 45 minutos el viejo se emocionó por que estaba llegando, entonces se sacó la chapa(dentadura) se la puso en el cuello, y empezó a decir:

¡Muérdeme, mi amor, muérdeme!