This telephone has too many shortcomings to be seriously
considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently
of no value to us.
–Western Union internal memo, 1876.
Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.
–Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of
science, 1949
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
–Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
640K ought to be enough for anybody.
— Bill Gates, 1981
I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked
with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is
a fad that wont last out the year.
–The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall,
1957
But what… is it good for?
–Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM,
1968, commenting on the microchip.
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
–Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital
Equipment Corp., 1977
The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who
would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?
–David Sarnoffs associates in response to his urgings for
investment in the radio in the 1920s.
The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn
better than a C, the idea must be feasible.
–A Yale University management professor in response to Fred
Smiths paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service.
(Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)
Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?
–H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.
Im just glad itll be Clark Gable whos falling on his face and
not Gary Cooper.
–Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in
Gone With The Wind.
We dont like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
–Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.
–Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.
So we went to Atari and said, Hey, weve got this amazing thing,
even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about
funding us? Or well give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay
our salary, well come work for you. And they said, No. So
then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, Hey, we dont
need you. You havent got through college yet.
–Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get
Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniaks personal
computer.
Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and
reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum
against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge
ladled out daily in high schools.
–1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddards
revolutionary rocket work.
Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil?
Youre crazy.
–Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project
to drill for oil in 1859.
Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value.
–Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole
Superieure de Guerre.
Louis Pasteurs theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.
–Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872
Everything that can be invented has been invented.
–Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents,
1899.
On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.
Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. Im too young to die! she wails. Then she yells, well, if Im going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable!
Ive had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well Ive had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane.
I can make you feel like a woman, he says. Hes gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.
The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches.
He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:
WOMAN – Iron this shirt!
Sign over a gynecologists office Dr. Jones, at your cervix.
At a military hospital-door to endoscopy: To expedite your visit, please back in
On a Plumbers truck: We repair what your husband fixed.
On the trucks of a local plumbing company: Dont sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.
Pizza Shop slogan: 7 days without pizza makes one weak.
At a tire shop in Milwaukee: Invite us to your next blowout.
Door of a plastic surgeons office: Hello. Can we pick your nose?
At a towing company: We dont charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.
On an electricians truck: Let us remove your shorts.
In a non-smoking area: If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.
On a maternity room door: Push. Push. Push.
At an optometrists office: If you dont see what youre looking for, youve come to the right place.
On a taxidermists window: We really know our stuff.
In a podiatrists office: Time wounds all heels.
On a fence: Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive.
At a car dealership: The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.
Outside a muffler shop: No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.
In a veterinarians waiting room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
At the electric company: We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you dont, you will be.
In a restaurant window: Dont stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up.
In the front yard of a funeral home: Drive carefully. Well wait.
At a propane filling station: Tank heaven! for little grills.
And dont forget the sign at a Chicago radiator shop: Best place in town to take a leak.
A traveler knocked on the door of the house where a cabdriver had told him he could be sexually accommodated. An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted.
I want to get screwed, said the man.
OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip twenty bucks as an initiation fee through the mail slot, answered the voice.
The man slid his $20 bucks in, the panel was closed.
Minutes passed and nothing happened.
He began to pound on the door insistently, and the panel slid open again.
Hey, exclaimed the sport, I want to get screwed!
What? said the voice, Again?
You just might be a Redneck if:
Youve ever tried to drown a fish. You can yell to your mom, Hey, Aunt Betty! Your kids fight with the dogs for their dinner. Youve ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature. More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. Your mother has been involved in a fist-fight at a high school sports event. None of your shirts cover your stomach. You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment. Youve ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys. Youve ever bathed with flea and tick soap. Your family tree does not fork. Your babys first words are Attention K-Mart shoppers. You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window. The fifth grade is referred to as your senior year. Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them. Your gene pool doesnt have a deep end. You have the taxidermists number on speed-dial. Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain. The UFO hotline limits you to one call per day. Your two-year-old has more teeth than you do. You have ever been accused of lying through your tooth. Your underwear doubles as your bathing suit. You let you kid pee in the parking lot at K-Mart.
A group of guys were chatting with a good-looking girl and, somewhat improbably, asked her to climb this pole that was conveniently nearby. For whatever reason, she decided to do it.When she told her mother what happened, her mother scolded her: "Dont you understand that they only wanted to see your underwear?" The girl was understandably upset at being very stupid and naive, and decided to show those boys a thing or two. The next day, they repeated their request, and when she came home she was beaming. "What are you so happy about?" asked her mother. "I totally showed them. Today I didnt even WEAR underwear."
Did you hear about the tragedy in Poland?
In Polands largest shopping mall, there was a terrible power outage. People were stuck on the escalators for 4 hours.
Four guys were telling stories in a bar. One guy leaves to go to the restroom. Three guys are left…
The first guy says, I was worried that my son was going to be a loser because he started out washing cars for a local dealership. Turns out that he got a break, they made him a salesman, and he sold so many cars that he bought the dealership. In fact, hes so successful that he just gave his best friend a new Mercedes for his birthday.
The second guy says, I was worried about my son too because he started out raking leaves for a realtor. Turns out HE got a break, they made him a commissioned salesman, and he eventually bought the real estate firm. In fact hes so successful that he just gave his best friend a new house for his birthday.
The third guy says, Yeah, I hear you. MY son started out sweeping floors in a brokerage firm. Well, HE got a break, they made HIM a broker, and now he owns the brokerage firm. In fact, hes so rich that he just gave HIS best friend $1 million in stock for his birthday.
The fourth guy comes back from the restroom. The first 3 explain that they are telling stories about their kids so he says, Well, Im embarrassed to admit that my son IS a major disappointment. He started out as a hairdresser and is STILL a hairdresser after 15 years. In fact I just found out that hes gay and has SEVERAL boyfriends. But I try to look at the bright side, his boyfriends just bought him a new Mercedes, a new house, and $1 million in stock for his birthday!
Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: Because, thats where youre supposed to wash vegetables!
You might be a redneck Jedi if you say, "Luke I am your father… and your brother."