Old and New Jokes

Una joven pretende entrar a una discoteca, pero el portero la detiene:

¡Aquí sólo se puede entrar con disfraz!

La mujer se va para su casa pensando cómo disfrazarse. En eso, se le ocurre una idea:

¡Ya está, me voy desnuda y pintada de blanco! Se acabó, un disfraz.

Llega a la disco, la dejan entrar y cuando está allí bailando se le acerca un tipo y le pregunta:

Oye, tú vienes de fantasma ¿no?

La tía le lanza con una mirada pícara, levanta una pierna y contesta:

No, hijo, no. ¡Vengo de muela picada, de muela picada!

There was this duck that walked into a bar and sat down in a stool and the bartender said, can I help you?

The duck said, quack quack quack got any raisons?



The bartender said, NO! This is a bar and we dont sell raisons.



The duck walked out and then he came in the next day and sat in the very same stool!



The bartender walked over and asked him if he could help him?



The duck said, quack quack quack got any raisons?



The bartender said, NO this is a BAR we dont sell raisons!



So the duck walked out again and left. He came back the next day and sat in the same stool once again!



The duck yelled at the bartender, quack quack quack got any raisons?



The bartender said, NO. And if you come back here once more I am gonna nail your webbed feet to the ground and you are gonna die there.



The duck said, ok, and left.



The next day came and sure enuf the duck came back except he only peeped his head inside the door. He said, quack quack got any nails?



The bartender replied, No!!



The duck said GOOD, then ya got any raisons?

I will meet you at the corner.

Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket. How are three people going to travel on only one ticket? asked an accountant.Watch and youll see, answered an engineer.

They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, Ticket, please. The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea.

So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didnt buy a ticket at all. How are you going to ride without a ticket? said one perplexed accountant.Watch and youll see, answered an engineer. When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding.

He knocked on the door and said, Ticket, please.

The difference between theory and experiment:

A guy was walking along the street one night, when he came upon a man–a
theoretical physicist–on his hands and knees under a street light, searching
the street. The fellow asked him what he was looking for, and the theoretician
replied, Im looking for my car keys. Being a helpful sort, the fellow
started searching, too.

After a time he asked, Are you sure you lost them here?

Of course not replied the theoretician. But at least theres light here.

That was funny.

Q: How can you tell the stage youre playing on is level?
A: The banjo player is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. Itll be back.

The chief cause of problems is solutions.

Dear:

Thank you for leaving [01] tooth under your pillow last night.

While we make every attempt to leave a monetary reward in the case of lost or stolen childrens teeth, we were unable to process your request for the following reason(s) indicated below:

( ) the tooth could not be found

( ) it was not a human tooth

( ) we do not think that pieces of chicken bone are very funny

( ) we were unable to approach the tooth due to excessive odor

( ) the tooth has previously been redeemed for cash

( ) the tooth did not originally belong to you

( ) the tooth fairy does not process fingernails

( ) your request has been forwarded to the Nerve Ending Fairy for

appropriate action

( ) you were overheard to state that you do not believe in the tooth fairy

( ) you are age 12 or older at the time your request was received

( ) the tooth is still in your mouth

( ) the tooth was guarded by a vicious fairy-eating dog at the time of our visit

( ) no nightlight was on at the time of our visit

( ) the snacks provided for the tooth fairy were not satisfactory, or were missing

( ) we discovered evidence of unsafe tooth extraction as follows:

[ ] string

[ ] pliers

[ ] gunpowder

[ ] hammer marks

[ ] chisel

[ ] part of skull attached to tooth

[ ] no dental care

( ) other:

Instead of the usual cash redemption, we have provided the following

certificate which you may attempt to exchange at a retail store near you.

Thank you for your request, and we look forward to serving you in the future.

Sincerely,

The Tooth Fairy