Old and New Jokes

Q: Did you hear about the Polish guy that locked his keys in his car?

A: Took him an hour using a coat hanger to get his family out.

Q: Why do Polish dogs have flat noses?

A: From chasing parked cars.

Q: What did the Polish mother say when her daughter said she was pregnant?

A: Are you sure its yours?

Q: You go to a cockfight. How can you identify the Polish guy?

A: Hes the one with a duck.

Q: How do you know if an Italian is there?

A: He bet on the duck.

Q: How do you know if the Mafia is there?

A: The duck wins.

In Polands largest shopping mall, there was a terrible power outage.

People were stuck on the escalators for 4 hours!

A 12-year-old boy walks up to his Polish neighbor and says, I was looking in your bedroom window last night and I saw you and your wife naked! Nyah, nyah, nyah.

The guy answers, The jokes on you, Johnny…

Nyah, nyah, nyah–I wasnt even home last night!

…and finally:

Q: How do you keep a Polak in suspense?

Instructions on how to clean your toilet 1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl. 2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. 3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid. 4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this. 5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a power-wash and rinse. 6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door. 7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids. 8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off. 9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean. Sincerely, The Dog

A man goes into the doctors office feeling really bad. After a thorough examination the doctor calls him into his office and says I have some bad news. You have HAGS. What is HAGS the man asks.
Its herpes, AIDS, gonorrhea, and syphilis says the doctor.Oh my God says the man. What are you going to do?We are going to put you in an isolated room and feed you pancakes and pizza.Is that going to help me says the man.No says the doctor. But its the only food we can think of that we can slide under the door

As told to me by my music teacher….

This guy goes on vacation to a tropical island. As soon as he gets
off the plane, he hears drums. He thinks Wow, this is cool. He goes to
the beach, he hears the drums, he eats lunch, he hears drums, he goes to
a luau, he hears drums. He TRIES to go to sleep, he hears drums.

This goes on for several nights, and gets to the point where the
guy cant sleep at night because of the drums. Finally, he goes down to
the front desk.

When he gets there, he asks the manager Hey! Whats with these
drums. Dont they ever stop? I cant get any sleep.

The manager says, No! Drums must NEVER stop. Very bad if drums
stop.

Why?

When drums stop… bass solo begins.

Q: What do you give to a man who has everything?

A: Condoms!

Bruce Cantrall Astronautics Technology Center

It is reported that the following addition to the Book of Genesis was discovered in the Dead Sea Scrolls. If authentic it would answer the question, Where do pets come from?

And Adam said, Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me.

And God said, No problem, I will create for you a companion, that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself.

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.

And God said, No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adams guardian angel came to the Lord and said, Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility.

And the Lord said, No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him for who he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not worthy of adoration.

And God created CAT to be a companion for Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cats eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.

And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Dog wagged his tail.

And Cat did not care one way or the other.

Two nuns are on vacation in Transylvania. Despite all the warnings to the contrary, theyve stayed out after dark. Sure enough, as theyre driving along, a vampire flies out of the night and lands on their windshield, hissing and baring his horrible bloody fangs.

Dear Lord! What shall we do? cries the first nun.

Turn on the windshield wipers. Maybe that will break his grip, answers the second nun.

No luck. Now the vampire is wet and angry. He claws at the windshield.

Now what shall we do? yells the first nun, getting even more scared.

Weave the car back and forth. Maybe hell fall off, says the second nun.

No luck. The vampire is beating on the glass now, and its starting to crack.

NOW WHAT!?!?! cries the first nun.

The second nun tries to remember how to get rid of vampires. She has a sudden flash of insight. Show him your cross! she yells, triumphantly.

The second nun sticks her head out the window and yells, Get off my car, you foul little vampire before I smack you with a ruler!

Q: Did you hear about the ambulance-chasing lawyer who married the blonde?

A: I heard they lived fulfilling lives even though the lawyer eventually questioned his way of business, and became a loan officer.

gavinfx@yahoo.com

You know you are drinking too much coffee when:

You answer the door before people knock.
Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
You ski uphill.
You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
You havent blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
You lick your coffeepot clean.
Youre the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you dont even work there.
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
You chew on other peoples fingernails.
Your T-shirt says, Decaffeinated coffee is the devils blend.
You can type sixty words per minute……with your feet.
You can jump-start your car without cables.
Cocaine is a downer.
All your kids are named Joe.
You dont need a hammer to pound nails.
Your only source of nutrition comes from Sweet & Low.
You dont sweat, you percolate.
You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.
Youve worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize its not plugged in.
You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
Youve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
People get dizzy just watching you.
Youve worn the finish off your coffee table.
The Tasters Choice couple wants to adopt you.
Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
Instant coffee takes too long.
When someone says. How are you?, you say, Good to the last drop.
You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
Youre offended when people use the word brew to mean beer.
You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
You can thread a sewing machine, while its running.
You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
You short out motion detectors.
You dont even wait for the water to boil anymore.
Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
You think being called a drip is a compliment.
You dont tan, you roast.
You cant even remember your second cup.
You help your dog chase its tail.

There were three female explorers who decided that they would go explore the African jungle together. One blonde, one brunnette and one redhead.

They were near the middle of the jungle when a rare African tribe surrounded them. The tribe said that the gods have sent them evil things and the explorers shall be destroyed. The tribe was going to shoot them with a bow and arrow in the head one at a time.

First they were going to shoot at the brunnette. She stepped up and they called, 1-2-3, but before they could shoot she yelled, TORNADO!, and everyone ducked and lay down on the ground and the brunnette ran way while they ducked. The tribe got mad and swore but did not go after her.

Then the redneck stepped up and they aimed and yelled, 1-2-3, but before they could shoot she screeched, FLOOD!, and everyone jumped and climbed up the nearest tree. The redhead took advantage and ran away. They got really mad and swore but did not go after her, as they didnt like people yelling fake incidents.

Then the blonde stepped up and she thought that yelling a mother nature disaster was a good idea. They yelled, 1-2-3, and the blonde yelled, FIRE!