An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, Daddy, what is sex?

The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer.

He proceeded to tell her all about the birds and the bees. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.

The father asked her, Why did you ask this question?

The little girl replied, Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs.

Every once in a awhile, this couple would tell their 2 children, Scott (the older one) and Andrew that they were going to go upstairs for a bit(to do their little freaky thing).

One day Scott got curious to what they were doing up there, so the next time they said that they were going to go upstairs he very cautiously followed them.

He peeked in through the crack in the door and whispered, Hey Andrew, come look at this. Guess what the woman who told us never to suck our thumbs is sucking?!

Mr. Smith, president of a large corporation, called his vice president into his office. Were making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off.

Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I dont know who to fire.

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in. So Dave said, Barbara, Ive got to lay you or Jack off and I dont know what to do.

Barbara replied, Youd better jack-off, Ive got a headache.

11. One to change the light bulb, 5 to say that the new bulb is tr00 and necro, and 5 to say the new bulb sucks, and the old bulb was tr00 and necro.

When the Smith family moved into their new house, a visiting grandparent asked five-year-old Tommy how he liked the new place.“It’s great,” he said. “I have my own room Alex has his own room, and Jamie has her own room. But poor mom is still in with dad.”

1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories dont count if you dont eat more than they do.

4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

6. Movie related foods (Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and no part of ones personal fuel.

7. Cookie pieces contain no calories — the process of breaking causes calorie leakage.

8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.

9. Food that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate. NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.

10. Anything consumed while standing over the kitchen sink, has no calories.

It wasnt until after Sue Quirke had shredded the postcard that she discovered it was her tax rebate check — one of millions sent to Wisconsin taxpayers this week. I just thought it was an advertisement for a free something or other, Quirke said. Quirkes bank has declined to take the check – which she patched back with tape – because it would not go through any of its machines. The state is sending $700 million in tax rebate checks to 2.5 million taxpayers as part of a tax relief package.

The rebates feature a sales tax logo on the back and a quote from Gov. Tommy Thompson: Its your money! The state Department of Revenue said it included the logo and quote to prevent people from tossing the card out.

But Willard Riemer, owner of Riemers Flowers in Thiensville, said the quote from Thompson made him think the postcard was a piece of campaign literature.

Important stuff from the state usually comes in a yellow envelope, Riemer said. I think they could have done a better job in packaging checks.

Source – Associated Press

One March day my wife said that the house needed painting. Its still winter, I replied. Forget it.



In April, she told me she had bought some exterior latex. I said that it was still too cold to paint.



In May, I heard her outside one day yelling for help, and we set up the ladder so she could start painting. Then I went inside to get a beer. As I sat in a lawn chair not far from where my wife was working, a neighbor passed by. Arent you ashamed? she asked. How can you sit there drinking beer while your wife is up on a ladder painting the house?



Glancing up at my wife, I responded, She doesnt like beer.

A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the first semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents had given him for school.Then he gets an idea. He calls his Redneck father. Dad, he says, you wont believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!Thats absolutely amazing! his father says. How do I get him in that program?Just send him down here with $1000, the boy says, Ill get him into the course.So, his father sends the dog and the $1000.About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.So hows Fido doing, son? his father asks.Awesome, dad, hes talking up a storm, he says, but you just wont believe this – theyve had such good results with this program, that theyve implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!READ!? says his father, No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?Just send $2,500, Ill get him in the class. His father sends the moneyThe boy has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home, his father is all excited. Wheres Fido? I just cant wait to see him talk and read something!Dad, the boy says, I have some grim news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and
asked: Is your daddy still cheating on your mama and messing around with that cute little redhead next door?The father says, I hope you SHOT that damn dog.I sure did, Dad! I sure did!

Earn cash in your spare time.. blackmail your friends!