Everyone thought God created man before woman. That is not true. In fact he created woman first, but with three boobs

God: So now that you are here how do you feel about yourself? Eve: Well to be honest I feel alright, however I dont think I need this center boob.

God: We can correct that. There now how do you feel? Eve: I feel great!

(Looking at her hand…)

Woman: Excuse me God? God: Yes Woman: Now what do I do with this usless boob?

***POOF*** Man was created.

[Ed: There are lots of these around. These ones are probably a bit lesser
known.]

Eugene dAlbert (noted German composer) was married six times.
At an evening reception which he attended with his fifth wife shortly
after their wedding, he presented the lady to a friend who said
politely, Congratulations, Herr dAlbert; you have rarely introduced me
to so charming a wife.

During a visit to America, Winston Churchill was invited to a
buffet luncheon at which cold fried chicken was served. Returning for a
second helping, he asked politely, May I have some breast?

Mr. Churchill, replied the hostess, in this country we ask
for white meat or dark meat. Churchill apologized profusely.

The following morning, the lady received a magnificent orchid
from her guest of honor. The accompanying card read: I would be most
obliged if you would pin this on your white meat.

Sentenced to two years hard labor (for Sodomy), Oscar Wilde
stood handcuffed in driving rain waiting for transport to prison. If
this is the way Queen Victoria treats her prisoners, he remarked, she
doesnt deserve to have any.

James McNeill Whistlers (painter of Whistlers Mother)
failure in his West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to
remark in later life, If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a
major general.

(German philosopher) Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed,
complained, Only one man ever understood me. He fell silent for a
while and then added, And he didnt understand me.

Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly
pointed out of the car window and said, That is the most frightening
sight I have ever seen. His companion was surprised to see nothing
more alarming than a priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand
on the childs shoulder. Run, little boy, cried Hitchcock, leaning
out of the car. Run for your life!

Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the
Senate, got on better with the House of Representatives. A popular
story circulating during his presidency concerned the night he was
roused by his wife crying, Wake up! I think there are burglars in the
house.

No, no, my dear, said the president sleepily, in the Senate
maybe, but not in the House.

Will Rogers, having paid too much income tax one year, tried in
vain to claim a rebate. His numerous letters and queries remained
unanswered. Eventually the form for the next years return arrived. In
the section marked DEDUCTIONS, Rogers listed: Bad debt, US Government
— $40,000.

Lady Astor was giving a costume ball and Winston Churchill asked
her what disguise she would recommend for him. She said, Why dont you
come sober, Mr. Prime Minister?

Phillip Garding

Twas the night before Christmas

and all through the house

Not a creature was stirring,

not even a mouse.

Cuz the cat had pounced on him

and tore him apart-

Ate his mousey intestines

And chewed up his heart.

Kitty thought he heard sleighbells,

which made him take pause-

He stopped daintily licking

the blood from his claws.

Must be Santa thought Kitty

(that quite clever cat)

Cuz nobody else climbs down

the chimney like that.

Indeed it was ol Santa,

so jolly and fat

With a load of presents

and all for the cat!

Wow, the best Christmas ever!

Kitty thought with a purr,

Then he coughed up a hairball

and shed some more fur.

(Thanks to IrisMist)

You are a redneck,if your prom date is your brother, or if you got to the prom in your fathers pick-up truck!

The Vatican has finally bowed to the pressure from American clergy for reform.

A new policy approved by the Pope will soon be announced, accordingto a reliable source who spoke on condition of annonymity.

The American nuns will henceforth be permitted to go on a date but they must take a vow to wear Cross Your Heart Bra and No Nonsense Pantyhose.

Every Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a drivers license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend or significant other.

DANGEROUS: Whats for dinner?

SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?

SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?

SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.

SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?

SAFER: Could we be over reacting?

SAFEST: Heres fifty dollars.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?

SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.

SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?

SAFER: I hope you didnt overdo today.

SAFEST: Ive always loved you in that robe.

You might be a redneck if…
Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.

For those of you who have never had the pleasure of owning a British car, but want to know what its like: Next big rainstorm, wait till dark, roll down all windows, leave off lights and heater and go for a drive. Stop at every intersection and throw out a twenty dollar bill. Its not exactly the same, but its real close.

The defendant and his lawyer are in the courtroom, the man being charged with theft. The lawyer tells the crusty old judge, My lord, my client has produced receipts for, firstly, the high speed modem.

High-speed modem? questions the judge.

Yes replies the lawyer, It allows computers to communicate over vast distances at high rates of speed. It allows email and something called cybersex in AOL chatrooms, your honor.

Cybersex? says the judge, You mean sex through a modem? You mean sex on a monitor? Good lord, the morals of this society! Sex should be a natural event of nature!

Secondly, my lord, continues the lawyer, My client can produce a receipt for the 12-speed cd-rom.

12-speed cd-rom? queries the judge.

Yes my lord, it enables millions of bits of information to be read off a small disk.

And I suppose most of this *information* is cybersex related … Modern technology and modern society, baffling, just baffling, comments the judge. Im appalled at what technology is doing to society these days.

Thirdly my lord, my client can produce a receipt for the super deluxe inflatable milk maid, whatever *that* is.

Thats the one with the silicone breasts and real hair, replies the judge.

Some great license plates seen over the years or heard about…

IXLR8

On a nice looking Porsche
LK 2 FK

Seen by myself – a blonde in a white Mercedes
3M TA3

A friend of a friend had this one made up. Write the plate number down and hold it up to a mirror. Im sure there are plenty you could get away with using this technique. This is great when the person in front of you looks in his/her mirror!