Old and New Jokes

Dear diary, there just arent enough hours in the day get everything done in the office. For example:

9:05

Attended meeting to discuss how far weve progressed since the last meeting. A decision was not forthcoming about exactly what we should be carrying forward to the next meeting. The date of the next meeting would be verified after consultation with all parties in attendance – individually – at their convenience.

10:00

Opened mail to discover minutes of a meeting that had absolutely no connection with my work whatsoever. Forwarded the minutes to my boss after entering unsolicited internal mail in relevant statistics column on monthly sheet.

10:30

Checked e-mail and found unsavory message, promising me a money back guarantee and improved circulation. Was helped back to my chair by colleague so that I was able to hit delete button and regain my composure.

11:00

Checked e-mail to find provisional dates for next meeting. Checked my calendar to find I was provisionally booked for other meetings on both dates.

11:30

About to make a start when I received a call from on high.

12:00

Returned to desk after explaining why I was wasting time reading unsavory e-mail.

12:15

Sold the car and raised enough to buy lunch in the Staff Club.

1:00

Lunch

2:00

Went in search of some missing correspondence. Bumped into colleague from 9:05 meeting and grumbled about the waste of time, squandered resources, the price of fish etc.

3:00

Located missing correspondence. Arranged discrete disposal of same. Got caught by someone with a sponsor sheet. Promised them ten dollars if their twelve-year old completes twenty lengths of the school pool. Offered another twenty dollars if they promised not to mention the fact that they had witnessed disposal of correspondence.

4:00

Attended meeting to discuss risk assessment. For instance, was there anything lying about the office which was potentially dangerous.

5:00

Left office after receiving e-mail about a proposed meeting for later in the week. Left the building after walking into a door-post. Offered a weak theory to puzzled onlookers, that it was inconceivable for something that was neither wall nor door to possibly have injured me. Made for the car with my head down. Reached where the car should have been before remembering that I had sold it.

I suppose I must lead what some people would consider to be a full life!

Dave

What women want in a man at age 22:1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic loverWhat women want in a man at age 32:1. Nice looking (preferably with hair)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a weekWhat women want in a man at age 42:1. Not too ugly (bald head is fine)
2. Doesnt drive off until Im in the car
3. Works steady – splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when Im talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekendsWhat women want in a man at age 52:1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesnt belch or scratch in public
3. Doesnt borrow money too often
4. Doesnt nod off to sleep when Im venting
5. Doesnt re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekendsWhat women want in a man at age 62:1. Doesnt scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesnt require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why hes laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that its the weekendWhat women want in a man at

<YFEM> = Your Favorite Ethnic Minority.

Well, it seems that these three fellows, an American, a German
and a <YFEM>, are about to be executed in front of a firing squad. As
the final hour approachs, each man is trying to think of a way to escape
his inevitable doom. The time comes for the execution and the American
is brought first in front of the firing squad. As the blindfold is
being tied around his head, he decides that he will attempt his escape
by diverting the attention of his executioners at the final moment, and
then running away.

The officer in charge of the executions starts his countdown:
10, 9, 8, …… Just before the officer reaches 1, the American
shouts, FLOOD!! Startled, all of the gunmen look up from their
rifles and turn around searching for the onrush of water. In all of this
confusion, the American manages to take off his blindfold and run away.
By the time the executioners are aware of what happened, the American
has made his way deep into the woods. And, of course, for the purposes
of this joke, no attempt is made to catch the runaway.

The German is called on next to appear before the squad. Seeing
the Americans success, the German decides to attempt a similar escape.
He knows, though, that his executioners will not fall for the flood
trick again. Instead, he decides to use another natural disaster.

The officer in charge of the executions starts his countdown:
10, 9, 8, …… Just before the officer reaches 1, the German
shouts, HURRICANE!! Startled, all of the gunmen look up
from their rifles and turn around searching for the onrush of wind. In
all of the confusion, the German manages to take off his blindfold and
run away. By the time the executioners are aware of what happened, the
German has made his way deep into the woods. Again, of course, for the
purposes of this joke, no attempt is made to catch the runaway.

The <YFEM> is called on next to appear before the squad. Seeing
his predecessors successes, the <YFEM> decides to attempt a similar escape.
He knows, though, that his executioners will not fall for the flood or
the hurricane tricks again. Instead, he decides to use another natural
disaster.

The officer in charge of the executions starts his countdown:
10, 9, 8, …… Just before the officer reaches 1, the <YFEM>
shouts, FIRE!!

A man wants to celebrate his wifes Birthday by throwing a party. So he goes to order a birthday cake. The salesman asks him what message he wants to put on the cake. Well he thinks for a while and says lets put, you are not getting older you are getting better. The salesman asks, how do you want me to put it? The man says, Well put You are not getting older, at the top and You are getting better at the bottom. The real fun didnt start until the cake was opened the entire party watched the message decorated on the cake You are not getting older at the top, You are getting better at the bottom.

A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her.
You have so much to live for, said the sailor. Look, Im off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. Ill take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy.
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.
Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
What are you doing here? asked the captain.
I have an arrangement with one of the sailors, she replied. He brings me food and I get a free trip to Europe. Plus hes screwing me.
He certainly is, replied the captain. This is the Staten Island Ferry.

• You Were an Accident

• Strangers Have the Best Candy

• The Little Sissy Who Snitched

• Some Kittens Can Fly!

• The Protocols of the Grandpas of Zion

• Getting More Chocolate on Your Face

• Where Would You Like to Be Buried?

• Wheres Godot?

• Katy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her

• The Attention Deficit Disorder Associations Book of Wild Animals of North Amer. Hey! Lets Go Ride Our Bikes!

• All Dogs Go to Hell

• The Kids Guide to Hitchhiking

• When Mommy and Daddy Dont Know the Answer They Say God Did It

• Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia

• What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?

• Why Cant Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?

• Bi-Curious George

• Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

• Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver

• You Are Different and Thats Bad

• Why God Burned Down Disney Land

A new law recently passed in Arkansas.

When a couple is divorced, they can still legally be brother and sister.

My wife and I, we always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife got a mudpack and looked great for two days! And then the mud fell off

My wife told me her car wasnt working well – there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake.

I asked my wife: Where do you want to go for our anniversary?

She said: Somewhere I have never been!

I told her: How about the kitchen?

My wife ran after the garbage truck, yelling: Am I too late for the garbage?

No. Jump In!

My wife is on a new diet – coconuts and bananas. She hasnt lost weight, but she can now climb a tree!

Two men were walking through the woods when a large bear walked out into the clearing no more than 50 feet in front of them.

The first man dropped his backpack and dug out a pair of running shoes, then began to furiously attempt to lace them up as the bear slowly approached them.

The second man looked at the first, confused, and said, What are you doing? Running shoes arent going to help, you cant outrun that bear.

I dont need to, said the first man, I just need to outrun you.

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was
enough. So, the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and
his wife didnt want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that
could fix the problem.

The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put
it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, I may not be the smartest man, but
I dont see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is
going to help me.

So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion.

The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure
for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This
doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light
it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldnt be wrong, the man went
home, lit a cherrybomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to
his ear and began to count, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, …, at which point he
paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on
his other hand.