ROOF-us

Once again, as a service to the readers of the Politics list,
I submitted the following as an article in the Virtual World
News (our very own Electronic Tabloid Paper, run by me.)

THE VIRTUAL WORLD NEWS
Dont read anything else.
We really mean it.

TV STAR TEARFULLY ADMITS, I WAS ABUSED AS A CHILD, FILES LAWSUIT

AGAINST HOLLYWOOD BIGWIGS FOR EXPLOITATION

The cushiony king of childrens public television says his life hasnt been
as soft as it may appear. Barney T. Dinosaur, in an emotional press conference
last week, admitted that his upbringing at the hooves of other dinosaurs
was a harrowing experience.

Nobody liked me, the star said, as he filed a formal lawsuit against
Steven Spielberg and various persons and institutions involved with
the making of the film Jurassic Park. The suit contends that Barney,
as the last surviving member of the species is entitled to be compensated for
the use of his family name (Barneys middle name, it appears, is
Tyrannosaurus–The is just a stage name) and history. For the hell
I went through as a little-saur, Barney said, I deserve every cent I can
get. Even the bracheosaurs used to beat up on me.

According to the megastar dinosaur, he was considered an outcast in the
rough-and-tumble prehistoric world because he was different. His voice
lost its usual enthusiasm as he remembered: They were big and mean and
tough. I was soft and weak–plush, even–and they hurt me for it. They
hated me. A strange, unfamiliar glint came into the stars eyes.
But I outlasted them all, anyway. I showed them.

Scientists on the Virtual World News permanent payroll claim that it was
Barneys differences that saved his hide, when all the other dinosaurs
disappeared. Though the cause of the extinction (now known to have been
only a near-extinction) remains a mystery, it is now believed that
giant space creatures may have descended in hunger–and eaten the
dinosaurs. Barney, however, was unpalatable, being entirely too sweet
for the extraterrestrial diners. In addition, having plush upholstery-type
hide, rather than the normal dino-hide made him appear to the Visitors
as somewhat similar to our gumdrops–which, of course, no one in their
right mind would eat.

The makers of Jurassic Park, including Spielberg himself, are contesting
Barneys claim to the name Tyrannosaurus. Dont be stupid,
Spielberg reportedly responded. I made up the name myself. Its all
made up. Its all fantasy. Besides, Barneys just a sick little guy
in a big purple suit. Ive seen him on the Paramount lot. Hes
no creature. Hes just creepy.

Other dinosaurs were extinct at press time, and unavailable for comment.

–Tabloid Kerry
Exclusive to the Virtual World News

What do you call an Ethiopian with big feet?

A golf club.

The Washington Posts Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners:

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesnt get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease (this one got extra credit).

Karmageddon: Its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and its like, a serious bummer.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

And, the pick of the literature:

Ignoranus: A person whos both stupid and an asshole.

What do you call a boomerang that doesnt come back?

A stick.

You can sleep with a light on.

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.



Are you the manager? she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. Actually, no he replies.



Can you get him for me? – I need to speak to him. she says, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. Im afraid I cant breathes the barman – clearly in trouble. Is there snything I can do?



Yes there is. I need you to give him a message she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room.

A man accused of robbing a bank was tried for the final time and was found guilty. Just before he was taken away, the man looked the judge in the eye and said, Would it be okay if I called you a son of a bitch?

The judges face went red and he roared, It most certainly would not! Id add another two years onto your sentence!

The defendant nodded and then asked, Would it be okay if I THOUGHT you were a son of a bitch?

The judge was becoming very annoyed but replied, Yes, I suppose that would be okay. I obviously have no control over your thoughts.

The defendant smiled and said, Well, in that case, judge, I think you are a son of a bitch!

Yo mama is so poor, she had to get a part-time job painting skittles.

Joe stopped at his favorite watering hole after a hard days work to relax. He noticed a man next to him order a shot and a beer. The man drank the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked into his shirt pocket. This continued several times before Joes curiosity got the best of him. He leaned over to the guy and said, “Excuse me, I couldnt help but notice your little ritual. Why in the world do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink your shot and beer?” The man replied, “Theres a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts lookin good, Im headin home!”