Old and New Jokes

There was a guy in a bar and he asked the bartender for a beer. He chugged it, looked into his pocket, asked for another beer. Which he chugged, then looked into his pocket, and asked for another beer. This went on for a while then the bartender finally asked, How come you ask for a beer, chug it, then look in your pocket? The man said, because there is a picture of my wife in my pocket and Im gonna keep drinking till she looks good enough to go home.

A girl goes to the doctor and takes off her shirt to be examined. On her chest
she has a huge red H. The doctor asks, How did you get that red H on your
chest? and the girl replies, My boyfriend goes to Harvard and hes so proud of
his school that he never takes off his sweatshirt, even when were making love.

So the next day the doctor has to examine another girl and she takes off her
shirt and has a huge blue Y on her chest. The doctor asks, How did you get
that blue Y on your chest? and the girl replies, My boyfriend goes to Yale
and hes so proud of his school that he never takes off his sweatshirt, even
when were making love.

The next day the doctor has to examine another girl and she takes off her shirt
and she has a huge green M on her chest. The doctor asks, Do you have a
boyfriend who goes to Michigan? and the girl replies, No, but I have a
girlfriend who goes to Wisconsin. Why do you ask?

Dont sweat the petty things and dont pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, Wheres the self-help section? She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets arent going as ghosts but as mattresses?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him…is he still wrong?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isnt it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?
Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a turtle doesnt have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why dont sheep shrink when it rains?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Is it true that cannibals dont eat clowns because they taste funny?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
One nice thing about egotists: they dont talk about other people.
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
The older you get, the better you realize you were.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Women like silent men, they think theyre listening.
Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Why is it called tourist season if we cant shoot at them?
People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?
The Pillsbury doughboy is WAY too happy considering he has no dick.
People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
When people say Oh, you just want to have your cake and eat it too. Fuck off! What good is the god damn cake if you cant eat it? What, should I eat someone elses cake instead?
When people say Its always in the last place you look. Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after youve found it? Do people do this? Who are these people? Where do they come from?
When people say, while watching a movie Did you see that? No dick, I paid $7.50 to come to the theatre and stare at the fucking ceiling up there. What did you come here for?
The radio ad Hi, Im Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Dont drink and drive. I dont. Well, I hope you dont drive sober either Mr. Healey. Youre blind for Gods sake.
People who ask Can I ask you a question? Didnt really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?
When something is new and improved, which is it? If its new, then there has never been anything before it. If its an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
When a cop pulls you over and asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know asshole, you fucking pulled me over!

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

Two orthodox Jews went to Pincus the tailor for new suits. Listen, Pincus, one said, the last suits you made for us were sort of gray. We want black suits, the darkest black cloth that we can get.

See this cloth? Pincus said, fingering a bolt of fabric. This is the stuff they make nuns habits from. There aint no blacker cloth.

A few weeks later, the two men were walking down the street in their new suits when they passed two nuns. Impulsively, one of the men went up to the nuns and matched his suit against their habits. Becoming angry, he muttered something to his friend and they both walked off.

What did that man want? one nund asked the other.

I dont know, the second replied. He looked at my garment, said something in Latin and left.

What did he say?

He said, Pinkus Fucktus.

MONA LISAS MOTHER: After all that money your father and I spent on braces, thats the biggest smile you can give us?

COLUMBUS MOTHER: I dont care what youve discovered, you still could have written!

MICHELANGELOS MOTHER: Cant you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?

NAPOLEONS MOTHER: All right, if you arent hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me.

ABRAHAM LINCOLNS MOTHER: Again with the stovepipe hat? Cant you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?

MARYS MOTHER: Im not upset that your lamb followed you to school, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you.

ALBERT EINSTEINS MOTHER: But its your senior picture. Cant you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something…?

GEORGE WASHINGTONS MOTHER: The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!

JONAHS MOTHER: Thats a nice story. Now tell me where youve really been for the last forty years.

THOMAS EDISONS MOTHER: Of course Im proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!

PAUL REVERES MOTHER: I dont care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is past your curfew.

A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, How many children do you have?

Ten, she replied.

What are their names? he asked.

LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, and LeRoy, she answered.

Theyre all named LeRoy? he asked What if you want them to come in from playing outside?

Oh, thats easy, she said. I just call LeRoy, and they all come running in.

And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?

I just say, LeRoy, come eat your dinner, she answered.

But what if you just want ONE of them to do something? he asked.

Oh, thats easy, she said. I just use their last name!

THE QUARTERBACK SNEAK: People who leave Mass before its over without grave reason.DRAFT CHOICE: Choose a seat near the back door.DRAW PLAY: What many children (and not a few adults) do with their bulletins during Mass.BENCH WARMER: Those whose only participation is their attendance at Sunday Mass.BACKFIELD IN MOTION: Making two or three trips outside the Church during Mass.STAY IN THE POCKET: What happens to a lot of money that ought to go to the Church.SUDDEN DEATH: The penalty to the priest who preaches more than twenty minutes.THE BLITZ: The mad stampede for the doors as the Iconastasis doors are closed.

Q: What do you call a mule that isnt very smart?

A: A stupid mule.

gavinfx@yahoo.com

Children in the back of the car cause accidents. Accidents in the back of the car cause children.