He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.

Reasons why its great to be a man:

Your butt is never a factor in a job interview. Your orgasms are real. Always. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be president. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid. Car mechanics tell you the truth. You dont give a crap if no one notices your new haircut. The world is your urinal. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area. You never have to drive to another gas station because this ones just too icky. Same work … more pay. Wrinkles add character. You dont have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $

100. If you retain water, its in a canteen. People never glance at your chest when youre talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. Porn movies are designed with you in mind. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with So, notice anything different? One mood, ALL the damn time. Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat! You know stuff about tanks. You can open all your own jars. Dry cleaners and hair cutters dont rob you blind. You can go to a public toilet without a support group. You can leave the motel bed unmade. You can kill your own food. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices. Everything on your face stays its original color. You dont have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking He must be mad at me. No maxi-pads. You dont mooch off others desserts. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors. You dont have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You dont have to shave below your neck. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons. You can do your nails with a pocketknife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

Q: Whats the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

A: A bad golfer goes, WHACK! Damn. A bad skydiver goes, Damn. WHACK!

Q: What do you call skydiving lawyers?

A: Skeet.

Q: Why dont blind people like to sky dive?

A: Because it scares the dog.

Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?

A: They take the psycho path.

Q: How do you get holy water?

A: Boil the hell out of it.

Q: What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall?

A: Dam!

Q: What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?

A: Polaroids.

Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesnt work?

A: A stick.

Q: What do you call cheese that isnt yours?

A: Nacho Cheese.

Q: What do you call Santas helpers?

A: Subordinate Clauses.

Q: What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?

A: Quatro sinko.

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

A: Frostbite.

Q: What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A: A nervous wreck.

Q: Where do you find a dog with no legs?

A: Right where you left him.

Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils?

A: Because they have big fingers

Q: What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?

A: Sanka.

Q: Why does a pilgrims pants always fall down?

A: Because they wear their belt buckle on their hat.

Q: How are a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce the same?

A: Somebodys gonna lose a trailer.

What do you call a donkey with three legs?

A wonkey!

At the parade, the Colonel noticed something unusual going on and asked the Major: “Major Barry, what the devils wrong with Sergeant Jones’ platoon? They seem to be all twitching and jumping about.”
“Well sir,” says Major Barry after a moment of observation. “There seems to be a weasel chomping on his privates.”

(In recognition of columnist Dave Barrys Weasel Chomping idea.)

A female computer consultant was helping our Santa in setting up his computer and she asked him what word he would like to use as a password for login.
Wanting to embarrass the lady, Santa told her to enter PENIS.
Without blinking an eye or saying a word, cosultant entered the password as he had requested.
But then, she nearly exploded from refrained laughter as the computer displayed the message in response:
PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH

My friend is a rather old-fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant – especially in her language.

She and her husband were planning a weeks vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a particular campground and asked for reservations.

She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didnt quite know how to ask about the toilet privileges in her letter. She finally came up with the term Bathroom Commode, and that being even too forward in her eyes, she abbreviated it to B.C.

The campground owner wasnt old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter he just couldnt figure out what the woman was talking about or what B.C. stood for. Finally, he showed the letter to several campers and they all reached the conclusion that the lady must be talking about the local Baptist Church. So the campground owner sent off the following letter in return:

Dear Madam:

Remember, this is a friendly community!

After years of nagging, the wife was finally going deer hunting with her husband. Ill drop you off here and go park the car. Dont get into trouble. says her husband.

He drove the car down the road and parked it. Walkin gback he could hear a heated argument between his wife and some man.

Its my deer. I shot it! he could hear his wife shouting.

The mans voice kept insisting … Thats not your deer, lady

The husband started walking faster. His wife said It is TOO my deer. I shot it and its mine.

No its not said the man.

The argument got louder and louder with his wife shouting about her killing her first deer.

Finally, the weary voice of the man was heard admitting defeat.

Okay, lady, its YOUR deer. Just let me get the saddle off it!

Acronym: whrthfckuben?

Previously long phrase: Goodness, its been a long time since weve chatted, hasnt it?
 
Acronym: utypliksht

Previously long phrase: Say, have you heard that there is a new Evelyn Woods speed-typing course?
 
Acronym: ugoturhdupyrass?

Previously long phrase: Are you sure about that?
 
Acronym: sowenugtoutofjail?

Previously long phrase: So, what have you been up to lately, Bugs?
 
Acronym: tkurabbrevsandshuvem

Previously long phrase: Wouldnt you rather just type the whole phrase out?

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