Professor Sokolsky was lecturing his Atomic physics class.He asked, If molecules can be split into atoms and the atoms split into electrons, can the electrons be broken down any further?

A pupil replied, Im not certain, but a sure way to find out would be to mail some of them in a Christmas package marked fragile.

Element: Man

Symbol: Ah (short for Asshole)

Quantitative: Accepted at 7 inches though some
isotopes can be as short as 4 inches.

Discoverer: Eve (discovered by accident one day
when she had a craving for ribs)

Occurrence: Found following duel element Wo,
often in high concentration near a perfect Wo specimen.

Physical properties

Surface often covered with hair bristly in some areas, soft in others.
Boils when inconvenienced, freezes when faced with Logic and Common
Sense,
melts if treated like a God.
Obnoxious when mixed with C*H*-OH (any alcohol).
Can cause headaches and severe body aches; handle with extreme caution.
Tends to fall into very low energy state directly after reaction with
Wo.
Gains considerable mass as specimen ages, loses reactive nature.
Specimens can be found in various states ranging from deeply sensitive
to
extremely thick.
Rarely found in pure form after 14th year.
When pressure is applied, becomes stiff and unyielding; yields only
when
subtlety, subterfuge, flattery are applied

Chemical properties

All forms desire reaction with Wo, even when no further reaction
is possible.
May react with several Wo isotopes in short period under extremely
favorable conditions.
Most powerful embittering and aggravating agent known to Wo.
Usually willing to react with whatever is available.
Reaction Rates range from aborted/non-existent to pre-interaction
effects
(which tend to turn the specimen bright red.)
Reaction styles vary from extremely slow, calm and wet to
violent/bloody.
When saturated with alcohols, will be fairly inert and will repel
most other elements.
Is repelled by most household appliances and common household
cleansers.
Is repelled by small children clothed in diapers, particularly those of
the
malodorous variety.
Is neutral to common courtesy and fairness.

Uses

Best results apparently near 18 for high reaction rate, 25-35 for
favorable
reaction style.
Heavy boxes, top shelves, long walks late at night, free dinners for
Wo…
Can be used in recreational activities.

Tests

Pure specimen will rarely reveal purity, while reacted specimens
broadcast
information on many wavelengths.

Caution

Tends to react extremely violently when other Man interferes
with reaction to a particular Wo specimen.
Otherwise very malleable under correct conditions.

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the town,

No noses were frozen, no snow fluttered down.

No children in flannels were tucked into bed,

They all wore shorty pajamas instead.

To find wreaths of holly, was not very hard,

For holly trees grew in every back yard.

In front of the houses, Dads and Moms were

Adorning the bushes and coconut palms.

The sleeping kiddies were dreaming in glee,

Hoping to find water skis under the tree.

They all knew that Santa was well on his way,

In a Mercedes-Benz, instead of a sleigh.

And soon he arrived and started to work,

He hadnt a second to linger or shirk.

He whizzed up the highways and zoomed up the road,

In an S-L 300, delivering his loads.

The tropical moon gave the city a glow,

And lighted the way for old Santa below.

As he jumped from the auto he gave a wee chuckle,

He was dressed in Bermudas with an Ivy league buckle,

There werent any chimneys, but that caused him no gloom,

For Santa came in through the Florida room.

He stopped at each house … stayed only a minute,

Emptying his sack of stuff that was in it.

Before he departed, he treated himself

To a glass of papaya juice upon the shelf.

He turned with a jerk and bounced to the car,

Remembering he still had to go very far.

He shifted the gears and stepped on the gas

And up the main highway he went like a flash.

And I heard him exclaim as he went on his way,

MERRY CHRISTMAS YALL, I WISH I COULD STAY!

Two old timers were reminiscing about their Depression days.

Things got so bad,, said one geezer, that even the prostitutes got laid off!

16> Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden15> Unexplained calls to F. Lee Baileys 900 number on your bill.14> He actually *does* have your tongue.13> You find a stash of Feline of Fortune magazines behind the couch.12> Cyanide paw prints all over the house.11> You wake up to find a birds head in your bed.10> As the wind blows over the grassy knoll in downtown Dallas,you get a faint whiff of Catnip9> Droppings in litter box spell out REDRUM.8> Catch him with a new mohawk looking in the mirror saying, Mew looking at me? Mew looking at me?7> Takes attentive notes every time Itchy and Scratchy are on.6> You find blueprints for a Rube Goldberg device that starts with a mouse chased into a hole and ends with flaming oil dumped on your bed.5> Has taken a sudden interest in the wood chipper.4> Instead of dead birds, leaves cartons of Marlboros on your doorstep.3> Ball of yarn playfully tied into a hangmans noose.2> You find a piece of paper labeled MY WIL which says LEEV AWL 2 KAT.and the Number 1 Sign Your Cat May Be Planning to Kill You…1> Now sharpens claws on your cars brake lines.

Theres no Donny & Arie Chanukah Special.
Eight days of presents (in theory anyway).
No need to clean the chimney.
Theres no latke-nog.
Burl Ives does not sing Chanukah songs.
You wont be pressured to buy Chanukah Seals.
You wont see, Youre a Putz, Charlie Brown.
No barking dog version of I Had a Little Driedl.
No pine needles to vacuum up afterward.
Blintzes are easier to mail than fruitcakes!

A blond woman walks into a store. Curious about a shiny object, she asks, What is that? The store clerk responds, Its a thermos. The blond then asks, What does it do? The clerk says It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold. So she buys one. The next day, she brings it to work with her. Her boss, also a blond, asks, What is that shiny object? She replies Its a thermos. He asks, What does it do? She says, It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold. He then asks, What do you have in there? Two cups of coffee and a scoop of ice cream.

Q: How can you tell when a blonde is dating?

A: By the buckle print on her forehead.

A woman goes into a greengrocer and is looking round anxiously at a pile of
oranges.

Can I help you madam? asks the shopkeeper.

Well, I was looking for some fruit for my husband. Have these oranges been
treated with any poisonous fertilizer or weedkiller? she replies.

No madam, youll have to get that from the chemists.

If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a better job … someday.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG 14 times gives you job security.

If you think were a bad company, you should see our competition.

Rome didnt create a great empire by having meetings. They did it by killing all those that opposed them.

We put the k in kwality.

We build great products when we feel like it and dont have any reason to call in sick.

If at first you dont succeed, try management.

Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Pride. Commitment. Teamwork. Words we use to get you to work for free.