Old and New Jokes

Lighting up in a smoke-free cave
On enlightening journey to Mecca, suggesting you go see K-Pax
Questioning strategy of battling Stealth bombers with a stick
Overdrawing your checking account at Talibank
Nominating Al Gore for membership because he has a beard
After President Bush speech, remarking, You know, the guy has some valid points about us being completely insane
Shaving your beard just to see if the Gillette Mach 3 with patented comfort edges really does give you the cleanest, smoothest shave possible
Parking your camel in the Supreme Leaders space
Calling Osama Bin Laden by his real first name, Earl
Mailing Anthrax without proper postage

©MMI, CBS Worldwide Inc.

A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and wanders over to the confessional box. He opens the door, sits down and says nothing.

The bewildered priest waits for a few minutes, allowing the drunken man some time to collect his thoughts. Growing impatient, the priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally, the drunk replies: No use knockin mate, theres no paper in this one either.

A friend of mine had a liver transplant over in a Pittsburgh hospital. The day after the hospital the surgeon came in for a visit.

How does your side feel, the surgeon asked.

My side feels pretty good, but my throat really hurts.

Let me see the dressing on your side, the surgeon said.

But Doc, my throat. Whats wrong with it? asked my friend.

Well, I might as well tell you. said the surgeon. Yours was a special operation watched by many students in a big amphitheater. The two hour operation went perfectly. The students were so impressed they all stood up and applauded. The applause went on so long, I decided to take out your tonsils for an encore.

An American paratrooper jumped out of a plain. But his parachute did not open. Falling to the ground he saw a black dot moving towards him. He didnt know what it was, until he recognized a man.

Hello he shouted Im Jim, US Army. Do you know anything about parachutes ?

Nice to meet you the man replied Im Sjefke (Belgian). But sorry, I dont know anything about parachutes. Do you know anything about gas ovens?

He always gets nailed to the boards

The story takes off where Cinderella just got yelled at by her step-mother, then her fairy godmother comes to her aid.

The fairy godmother says, I can make you a new dress and give you everything you need to go to the ball… on two conditions!

Anything, says Cinderella, anything!

Okay the first condition is you have to wear a diaphram. The second condition is you have to be back by 2:00 AM or else your diaphram will turn into a pumpkin, says the fairy godmother.

So Cinderella goes to the ball and the fairy godmother just waits and waits and then it gets to be 2:00AM, 3:00, 4:00, 5:00 and Cinderellas still not back. Then Cinderella finally shows up and the fairy godmother is astonished as to Cinderellas appearence… no pumpkin!

The godmother asks Cinderella who she was with for she had no idea of a man with such power.

Then Cinderella replies, Peter, Peter something or other?

A blonde and a brunette are out driving, and the brunette tells the blonde to look out for cops – especially cops with their lights on. After theyve been driving for a while, the brunette asks the blonde if shes seen any cops."Yes," says the blonde."Are their lights on?" The blonde has to think for a moment, then says, "Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No."

(This was sent to me through a friend of a friend – you know the story.)

Jesus took his Disciples up the mountain and, gathering them round him, he taught them, saying:

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven.

Blessed are the meek.

Blessed are the that mourn.

Blessed are the merciful.

Blessed are they who thirst for justice.

Blessed are all the concerned.

Blessed are you when persecuted.

Blessed are you when you suffer.

Be glad and rejoice for your reward is great in Heaven. Try to remember what Im telling you!

Then Simon Peter said: Will this count?

And Andrew said: Will we have a test on it?

And James said: When do we have to know it for?

And Philip said: How many words?

And Bartholemew said: Will I have to stand up in front of the others?

And John said: The other disciples didnt have to learn this. Do I have to read it?

And Matthew said: How many marks do we get for it?

And Judas said: What is it worth?

And the other Disciples likewise tried to pass the buck.

Then one of the Pharisees who was present asked to see Jesuss lesson plan, and inquired of Jesus his terminal objectives in the cognitive domain.

And Jesus wept.

Morris calls his son in NY and says, Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I dont want to discuss it. Im merely telling you because youre my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. Ive made up my mind, Im divorcing Mama.



The son is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what happened. I dont want to get into it. My mind is made up.



But Dad, you just cant decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?



Its too painful to talk about it. I only called because youre my son, and I thought you should know. I really dont want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain.



But wheres Mama? Can I talk to her?



No, I dont want you to say anything to her about it. I havent told her yet. Believe me it hasnt been easy. Ive agonized over it for several days, and Ive finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow.



Dad, dont do anything rash. Im going to take the first flight down. Promise me that you wont do anything until I get there.



Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. Ill hold off seeing the lawyer until after the Seder. Call your sister in NJ and break the news to her. I just cant bear to talk about it anymore.



A half hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow. Benny told me that you dont want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you wont do anything until we both get there.



Morris promises. After hanging up from his daughter, Morris turns to his wife and says, Well, it worked this time, but what are we going to do, to get them to come down next year?

One night a man was going to bed with his wife.He put an extra pillow on his pillow.His wife asked:Why are you putting two pillows under your head and he replied:Because I havent slept for two nights!.