16> Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden15> Unexplained calls to F. Lee Baileys 900 number on your bill.14> He actually *does* have your tongue.13> You find a stash of Feline of Fortune magazines behind the couch.12> Cyanide paw prints all over the house.11> You wake up to find a birds head in your bed.10> As the wind blows over the grassy knoll in downtown Dallas,you get a faint whiff of Catnip9> Droppings in litter box spell out REDRUM.8> Catch him with a new mohawk looking in the mirror saying, Mew looking at me? Mew looking at me?7> Takes attentive notes every time Itchy and Scratchy are on.6> You find blueprints for a Rube Goldberg device that starts with a mouse chased into a hole and ends with flaming oil dumped on your bed.5> Has taken a sudden interest in the wood chipper.4> Instead of dead birds, leaves cartons of Marlboros on your doorstep.3> Ball of yarn playfully tied into a hangmans noose.2> You find a piece of paper labeled MY WIL which says LEEV AWL 2 KAT.and the Number 1 Sign Your Cat May Be Planning to Kill You…1> Now sharpens claws on your cars brake lines.
Theres no Donny & Arie Chanukah Special.
Eight days of presents (in theory anyway).
No need to clean the chimney.
Theres no latke-nog.
Burl Ives does not sing Chanukah songs.
You wont be pressured to buy Chanukah Seals.
You wont see, Youre a Putz, Charlie Brown.
No barking dog version of I Had a Little Driedl.
No pine needles to vacuum up afterward.
Blintzes are easier to mail than fruitcakes!
A blond woman walks into a store. Curious about a shiny object, she asks, What is that? The store clerk responds, Its a thermos. The blond then asks, What does it do? The clerk says It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold. So she buys one. The next day, she brings it to work with her. Her boss, also a blond, asks, What is that shiny object? She replies Its a thermos. He asks, What does it do? She says, It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold. He then asks, What do you have in there? Two cups of coffee and a scoop of ice cream.
Q: How can you tell when a blonde is dating?
A: By the buckle print on her forehead.
A woman goes into a greengrocer and is looking round anxiously at a pile of
oranges.
Can I help you madam? asks the shopkeeper.
Well, I was looking for some fruit for my husband. Have these oranges been
treated with any poisonous fertilizer or weedkiller? she replies.
No madam, youll have to get that from the chemists.
What is the average number of times in a bachelors life that his bed is made?
Once, when it was still in the factory.
[Not good reading, but good for a group]
An older lady gets undressed and starts to get into the bathtub. She
gets about halfway into the tub and thinks, Was I getting into the
tub or getting out? She calls out, Bernice! Was I getting
into the bathtub or getting out?
Bernice says, Well I dont know. Ill have to come up and look.
Bernice starts walking up the stairs to the bathroom, gets halfway
up and thinks to herself, Was I going up the stairs or down? She
calls out Sally! Was I going up or down the stairs?
Sally, down in the living room calls back, How should I know? and
thinks to herself, Im glad Im not losing my mind like the other people
in this house.
So Sally starts…
Do you remember the punchline to this joke?
A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
Doctor, the hormones youve been giving me have really helped, but Im afraid that youre giving me too much. Ive started growing hair in places that Ive never grown hair before.
The doctor reassured her. A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?
On my balls!
Lighting up in a smoke-free cave
On enlightening journey to Mecca, suggesting you go see K-Pax
Questioning strategy of battling Stealth bombers with a stick
Overdrawing your checking account at Talibank
Nominating Al Gore for membership because he has a beard
After President Bush speech, remarking, You know, the guy has some valid points about us being completely insane
Shaving your beard just to see if the Gillette Mach 3 with patented comfort edges really does give you the cleanest, smoothest shave possible
Parking your camel in the Supreme Leaders space
Calling Osama Bin Laden by his real first name, Earl
Mailing Anthrax without proper postage
©MMI, CBS Worldwide Inc.
A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and wanders over to the confessional box. He opens the door, sits down and says nothing.
The bewildered priest waits for a few minutes, allowing the drunken man some time to collect his thoughts. Growing impatient, the priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally, the drunk replies: No use knockin mate, theres no paper in this one either.