Old and New Jokes

Two friends were discussing the trend towards more traditional values.

I didnt sleep with my wife before I was married, did you?

Im not sure, said the friend. What was her maiden name?

I Wouldnt Take You to a Dog Fight Even If I Thought You Could Win
My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart
Tennis Must Be Your Racket, Cause Love Means Nothin to You
Ive Got Red Eyes From Your White Lies and Im Blue All the Time
I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aims Gettin Better
Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
I Wish I Were in Dixie Tonight, But Shes Out of Town
You May Put Me In Prison, But You Cant Keep My Face From Breakin Out
I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life

Q: What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs?

A: Nice tits!

What is Heaven? What is Hell?

In Heaven:

The English run the hotels.

The French cook the food.

The Swiss are the police.

The Germans fix the cars.

The Italians are the lovers.

In Hell:

The French run the hotels.

The English cook the food.

The Germans are the police.

The Swiss are the lovers.

The Italians fix the cars.

In both places the Americans run the army. Whether they do it right or not doesnt matter; they are the only ones who will take the job!

If Men TRULY Ruled the World!…

Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the behind and a Nice hustle, youll getem next time would pretty much do it.

Valentines Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, youd get the day off to go drinking. Mothers Day too.

St. Patricks Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.

Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history!

The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.

Instead of beer-belly, youd get beer-biceps.

Tanks would be far easier to rent.

Two words…Ally McNaked.

Birth control would come in ale or lager.

Garbage would take itself out.

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:

Cop: You know how fast you were going?

You: All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place.

Cop: Nice one, Thats $10.00 off.

People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.

Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

It would perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said Youre #1!.

When your wife/girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, shed appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to I love you.

Sorry Im late, but I got wasted last night, would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the public ugliness ordinance.

Hallmark would make Sorry, what was your name again? cards.

Este era un tonto tan tonto que se llevó una licuadora a un estadio olimpico para batir los records

The stunning blonde had gone to her student advisor for some course problems, but seemed to be only half paying attention to his replies.

Are you feeling OK? he asked.

Well, to be honest, I have this compulsion to have sex with every man I meet. she admitted. Is there a name for my condition?

Why yes, there is. he said, as he picked her up and began carrying her to the couch. Its called Good News.

If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter? If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon? What do chickens think we taste like? What do people in China call their good plates? What do you call a male ladybug? What hair color do they put on the drivers license of a bald man? When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it? Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? How is it possible to have a civil war? If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too? If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry? If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? Why are hemorrhoids called hemorrhoids instead of assteroids? Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? Whose cruel idea was it for the word lisp to have a s in it? If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

How do you catch a polar bear in Alaska?

First you go out and cut a hole in the ice. Then, you line the hole

with peas. When the bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the

ice-hole.

You might be a redneck if…
Youre still scalping tickets after the concert is over