Old and New Jokes

In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe is composed of only two basic substances: magic and lies.

There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields.

The first cow said, I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm.

The other cow replies, Hell, I aint worried, it dont affect us ducks!

I know for a fact that the following examples of idiocy are true, because I myself was witness to their occurance.

In 1989, I was working in a state office in Kansas. It was right after the 1988 George Bush Presidential campaign.

Well, one day we had been talking about pork rinds (if youll remember, George Bush was a great fan of the greasy snack food at the time), and our supervisor brought in a big bag.

My deskmate was chowing into them like there was no tomorrow. I said, Gee, I guess you really like Bushs favorite snack!

She responded, Bush who?

I said, *George* Bush, Gina!

She said, Whos he? Does he work here? (rolling eyes) Of course, George Bush was the President of the United States by this time…

Same office, a few months later.

There was an article in the newspaper during the summer of 1989 decrying the fact that United States high school seniors had a very poor knowledge of geography. I was reading the newspaper in the break room, in the presence of another co-worker of mine. The column in the paper stated that some huge percent (60%?? 80%??) of graduating seniors couldnt name the two countries that bordered the United States.

I turned to my co-worker and said, Oh, this is ludicrous! *You* know which countries border the United States, dont you?

My co-worker responded, Well, *yah*, duh! To the north its Canada, and to the south, its the *ocean*! (rolling eyes)

Okay, the last straw before I finally quit the job to stay home and raise babies and hang out with *intelligent* and *educated* people… (grin)

In the fall of 1989, 1960s US protestor and political activist Abbie Hoffmann killed himself. I was listening to National Public Radio on my headset when I heard the news, and I said aloud, and a little sadly, Aw. Abbie Hoffmann is dead.

My deskmate chittered, Oh really?? Whos she?

(bonk)

This is original, but the style is borrowed from Anne Degeneres,
a comedienne who currently has an HBO special out.

I met this beautiful girl last night. She invited me back to her place and
we had the greatest steamiest sex ever. Actually, it wasnt really the
*greatest* sex ever, it was more like medium-great sex, and well, she didnt
exactly invite me back to her place, I sort of followed her home to her
apartment.

To be factual, we didnt actually have sex per se, but we came very close.
You see we were fondling each other pretty intensely…well, actually, I was
fondling her, she wasnt fondling me…well, really, I wasnt actually
*fondling* her, our bodies just got very close together. To be honest, I
just sort of brushed into her.

Accidentally.
But it was great, really hot and sensual you know?

Actually, to be specific, it wasnt really her that I brushed into, it was
actually the back of the chair she was sitting in. Although, the chair
was…on the other side of a wall you see…in another room sort of. And I
was sort of leaning on the wall, but the chair was very close to the wall,
very close. Of course, she was on the third floor and I was sort of…on
the street…leaning against the building. But wow! What a night. What a
night.

Limestone!

A man went to the doctor with a really bad infection. The doctor informed him he had Aids with just about every kind of infection there is to go along with it.

The patient asked the doc what they were going to do for him. The doc answered that he was going to put him on a diet.

A diet! What kind of diet? questioned the patient.

Pizza & pancakes, answered the doc.

Pizza and pancakes! Will that help? queried the patient.

The doctor replied: I dont know, but its the only thing we know of that we can slide under the door to you.

Digital – The art of counting on your fingers.

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich.

He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, Hey, Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didnt pay for your sandwich!

The panda yells back at the bartender, Hey man, Im a Panda! Look it up!

The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.

Una mujer y un hombre se ven envueltos en un aparatoso accidente de tránsito. Ambos autos quedaron totalmente destrozados, pero asombrosamente ninguno de ellos sufrió heridas. Después salir a duras penas de sus autos, la mujer exclama:

¡Entonces usted es un hombre, qué interesante, yo soy una mujer! ¡Guau! Solo mire nuestros autos, no ha quedado nada de ellos, pero afortunadamente estamos ilesos. Esto debe ser una señal de Dios para que nos conociéramos y vivamos juntos en paz por el resto de nuestros días.

Estoy completamente de acuerdo con usted: esto debe ser una señal de Dios, acepta el tipo.

La mujer continúa:

He aquí otro milagro: mi carro está completamente destruido pero esta botella de vino no se rompió. De seguro Dios quiere que nos la bebamos y celebremos nuestra buena suerte, dicho lo cual le pasa la botella al hombre.

El caballero, asintiendo con la cabeza, abre la botella y le da varios tragos monumentales. Luego se la devuelve a la mujer. La fulana toma la botella e inmediatamente le pone la tapa y se la regresa al tipo. Éste, intrigado, le pregunta:

¿Es que usted no va a beber?

La mujer, alzando los hombros, se limita a decir:

No, creo que yo esperaré hasta que llegue la policía.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Acid!
Acid who?
Acid down and be quiet!