Old and New Jokes

Psychiatrists say that one out of five people are mentally ill. If
four of your friends are OK, then youre the one.

Q: How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?

A: She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil.

In school, the professor asks:


-Who can tell me now who was the mother


of Moses? You, Daniel,should know,tell me!


Daniel, a young jewish child, stand up and


answers without hesitate :


– Moses mother was the faraohs daughter!


– No,no,no,no, Daniel…, the faraohs


daughter found him down the Nile,in a basket…


– Yeah,thats what she says

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell who accidentally ended up in a mans head.She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.Hello? she cried, but no answer.Is there anyone here? she cried a little louder, but still no answer. Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice,HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE? Then she heard a very faint voice from far, far away… Were down here!

Santa Singh came to New Delhi and wanted to do shopping at Janpath. His delhiite friend told him that the prices are usually hiked up and he should bargain for half the price.
Santa Singh went and asked the price of stereo for which the vendor told 2000 Rs.
Santa Singh asked for Rs.1000.vendor told he can give the stereo for Rs.1800 for which Santa Singh told no,no only Rs.900.
Vendor said ok, i will give it for 1500 Rs and our Santa Singh bargained for Rs.750.

It was going on like this when finally vendor out of irritation and thinking that this stupid Sardar is not going to buy anything. He is just wasting my time. He said he will give the stereo for free.
Santa asked whether he will give two.
Vendor now realising that the sardar is out to have some fun and really not interested in buying anything. Vendor agreed.
Santa said now he wants to have the whole shop.

A pikie

I wont be coming to work today because:

______________________



1. If its all the same to you, I wont be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

2. On Saturday, I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour, I can never remember which it is-accordingly, I will be in late or early.

3. I cant come in to work today because Ill be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. Okay?

4. Im stuck in the blood pressure machine at Walgreens.

5. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Falcons, huh? So I wont be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, Ill be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

6. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldnt come to work, knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

7. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I wont bite things when I am startled.

8. I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

Ariel was in trouble again. Her sisters were complaining to King Neptune that she didnt want to dress properly.

Instead of wearing anemones to cover the protruding bits, she would stick long fronds of seaweed in her hair. Obviously these fronds did not always do their job because they tend to move with the flow, and this really annoyed her sisters.

King Neptune, being a strict father, admonished his daughter and insisted she discards the seaweed and wear her anemones like a dutiful daughter should.

But father, Ariel argued, with fronds like these, who needs anemones?

What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

How do you KNOW its new and improved dog food?

Why do they put locks on the doors of 24-hour stores?

What do they use to ship styrofoam?

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthurs youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be killed.

The Question: What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query.

Well, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarchs proposition to have an answer by years end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. In all, he spoke with everyone but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but hed have to accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthurs closest friend! Young Arthur as horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water and often made obscene noises. He had never run across such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.

Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthurs life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthurs question:

What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthurs life would be spared. And so it went. The neighboring monarch spared Arthurs life and granted him total freedom.

What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish.

Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display. She ate with her hands, belched and farted, and made everyone uncomfortable. The wedding night approached.

Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when shed been a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day and which during the night?

What a cruel question! Gawain began to think of his predicament:

During the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments?

What would you do?

What Gawain chose follows below, but dont read until youve made your own choice.

………………….

…………………

………………..

Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself!

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.

Isnt that beautiful?

But really now, what is the moral of this story?

If you dont respect women, things are gonna get ugly!