Old and New Jokes

PANDA WALKS INTO A BAR…

A panda walked into a bar and went up to the barman and said: I want a steak and kidney pie and a Coke please. The barman took his order and the Panda went to sit down at a table. Soon, a waiter took over the meal, the Panda gobbled it up, thanked, tipped the waiter and paid his bill.

All seemed normal until the Panda pulled out a gun from the depths of his fur, pulled the trigger and BANG! shot the waiter dead.

The barman rushed over and said: Argh!! You just shot my friend!!! The Panda calmly replied: Do you know what I am? Of Course I do, the barman answered, youre a Panda! Good, the Panda replied, now go home and look me up in the dictionary. And with that, the Panda walked out of the bar.

The barman was a little unsure, but he was very eager to be enlightened on the subject of his friends murder, so he went home to find his dictionary and after a while he found panda and quickly read the definition…

PANDA: 1. A black and white bear native to China. Eats shoots and leaves

A mans house is on fire. No help is in sight so he takes matters into his own hands.

He runs out of the house with his son and tells him to wait outside.

Then he runs back in and gets is daughter and brings her ouside.

Then his wife. Then the dog. Then the cat.

Then he goes back in 3 more times without bringing out anybody or anything.

So a bystander is curious and asks him, Why do you keep going back into your burning house and not coming out with anything?

The man replies, Im turning over my mother in law.

An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life, when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.Well, now, says the old lady, I guess I would like to be really rich. *** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.And, gee, I guess I wouldnt mind being a young, beautiful princess. *** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman.Your third wish? asks the fairy godmother. Just then the old womans cat wanders across the porch in front of them. Ooh – can you change him into a handsome prince? she asks. *** POOF *** There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, Bet youre sorry you had me neutered.

Told by my new General Sales Manager…

Q: Why are the flags at the Post Office at half staff?

A: Theyre hiring….

This big, nasty, sweaty woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress walks into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a big, hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, What man out there will buy a lady a drink?

The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her. At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says, Bartender! I want to buy that ballerina a drink!

The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. After shes completed the drink, she turns again to the patrons and points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit, saying, What man out there will buy a lady a drink?

Once again the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says, Bartender! Id like to buy the ballerina another drink!

After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches the little drunk and says, Its your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?

The drunk replies, Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!

With Holloween coming this weekend, I figured Id get my part started right with …

93-year-old Senator Strom Thurmond dressed as Tarzan wearing a Medicare badge.
A tobacco lobbyist dressed as a beggar (There goes your campaign financing, Congressman).
Al Gore Disco Fever costume.
Attorney General Janet Reno dressed as Charles Manson.
Evil British nanny.
Flaming Tofu Burrito from Hell on a Stick.
Guy who ate too much Olestra.
Hillary Clinton dressed as Madonna dressed as Evita.
Jacko-Lantern.
Janet Renos Little French Maid Outfit.
Marge Schotts less attractive, slightly more racist sister
Marv Albert, Warrior Princess.
Mighty Menstruatin Power Ranger.
Pat Buchanan dressed as Detective Mark Fuhrman.
Positive Home Pregnancy Test.
President Jesse Helms.
Ralph Nader dressed as, well, Ralph Nader.
Redskins quarterback Gus Ferrotte dressed as Jack Kemp.
Representative Newt Gingrich dressed as Dr. Kevorkian.
Senator Ted Chappaquiddick Kennedy dressed as a taxi driver.
Vice President Al Gore dressed as Tipper Gore.

Lempi took a job with Odovero Construction to paint lines on M28. The first day he painted ten miles. The boss was very impressed.

The second day he painted two miles. The boss was a little disappointed. The third day he only painted 500 feet.

The boss sat him down and said, Lempi, how come you paint ten miles the first day, two miles the next day, but only 500 feet today?.

Lempi replied, Well boss, each day I get farther and farther away from the paint can.

Buckwheat & Darla were in school, and the teacher asks Darla, How do you spell dumb?

Darla says, D-u-m-b, dumb.

The teacher says, Very good, now use it in a sentence.

She says, Buckwheat is dumb.

The teacher says, Now spell stupid.

Darla says, S-t-u-p-i-d, stupid.

The teacher says, Very good, now use it in a sentence.

Darla says, Buckwheat is stupid.

Then the teacher calls on Buckwheat and says, Buckwheat, spell dictate.

Buckwheat stands and says, D-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate.

The teacher says, Very good, now use it in a sentence.

I may be dumb and I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good!

En una clase mixta el maestro pregunta a sus alumnos qué quieren hacer de mayores:

Dime, Roberto.

Ingeniero, señor. ¿Y tú, Carlos?

Fontanero.

¿Clara, y tú?

Yo quiero ser mamá. Muy bien, Clara, ¿y tú, Jaimito?

Yo… ¡yo quiero ayudar a Clara a que sea mamá!

NICKNAMES



If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.



If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately call each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.



EATING OUT



When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though its only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.



When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.



MONEY



A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.



A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item she doesnt want.



BATHROOMS



A man has 6 items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.



The average number of items in the typical womans bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.



ARGUMENTS



A woman has the last word in any argument.



Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.



CATS



Women love cats.



Men say they love cats, but when women arent looking, men kick cats.



FUTURE



A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.



A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.



SUCCESS



A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.



A successful woman is one who can find such a man.



MARRIAGE



A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesnt.



A man marries a woman expecting that she wont change and she does.



DRESSING UP



A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the



garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.



A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.



NATURAL



Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.



Women somehow deteriorate during the night.



OFFSPRING



Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.



A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.



THOUGHT FOR THE DAY



Any married man should forget his mistakes. Theres no use in two people remembering the same thing.