Old and New Jokes

Los cojudos son como los eclipses: hay totales y parciales. Por lo tanto, el cojudo mundial promedio viene a ser la equidistancia razonable entre unos y otros, a los que describiremos a continuación:

Optimista: Cree que no es cojudo.

Pesimista: Cree que sólo él es cojudo.

Telescópico: Desde lejos se le nota lo cojudo.

Fosforescente: Se le nota lo cojudo hasta en la oscuridad.

Aplicado: Se preocupa por aprender cojudeces.

Esférico: Es cojudo por el lado que se mire.

Laborioso: Se pasa el día haciendo cojudeces.

Petulante: Se enorgullece de sus cojudeces.

Enciclopédico: Sabe un montón de cojudeces.

Simpático: Sus cojudeces causan risas.

Literato: Escribe cojudez y media.

Amigable: Tiene puros amigos cojudos.

Campana: Es tan, tan, pero tan cojudo.

Crédulo: Cree en cualquier cojudez.

Consciente: Sabe que es cojudo.

Campeón: Nadie le gana en hacer cojudeces.

De pedigrí: Desciende de cojudos campeones.

Alegre: Se ríe de cualquier cojudez.

Introvertido: A nadie le cuenta sus cojudeces.

Enamorado: Le gusta cualquier cojuda.

Líder: Lo siguen todos los cojudos.

Inútil: Ni las cojudeces las hace bien.

Valiente: Se rompe el alma por cualquier cojudo.

Clandestino: Se esconde para hacer sus cojudeces.

Ambicioso: Sueña con ser un buen cojudo.

Convicto: Esta preso por cojudo.

Hiperactivo: Hace sus cojudeces una tras otra.

Filosófico: Se pregunta el porqué de sus cojudeces.

Políglota: Dice cojudeces en varios idiomas.

Xerox: Se copia las cojudeces de los demás.

Esperanzado: Cree que lo cojudo se le va a quitar.

Ignorante: Todos saben que es cojudo, menos él.

Añejo: Con el tiempo se hace más cojudo.

Insistente: Hace las mismas cojudeces varias veces.

Radiactivo: Irradia lo cojudo por doquier.

De Hierro: No se cansa de hacer cojudeces.

Ecológico: Es cojudo por naturaleza.

Precavido: Es cojudo… por si acaso.

Multifacético: Es el que abarca más de una clasificación.

Curioso: El que lee esta cojudez.

The kindergarten class had settled down to its coloring books.

Willie came up to the teachers desk and said, Miss Francis, I aint got no crayons.



Willie, Miss Francis said, you mean, I dont have any crayons. You dont have any crayons. We dont have any crayons. They dont have any crayons. Do you see what Im getting at?



Not really, Willie said, What happened to all them crayons?

This is the actual radio conversation of a US navy ship with Canadian
authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio
conversation released by the chief of naval operations, 10-10-95.

Americans:
Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a
collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the
south to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert your
course.

Canadians: No, I say again, you divert your course.

Americans: This is the Aircraft Carrier US Lincoln, the second largest ship
in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with three
Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that you
change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, thats one-five degrees
north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this
ship.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

Religion is mans attempt to communicate with the weather.

At the Polish Agricultural university (P.A.U), the Professor was talking about increasing milk production of the cows, when a girl in the class asked: Why do cows always seem depressed when being milked?

The Professor answered, Well my girl, if every morning at dawn they woke you up, rubbed your boobs for two hours and didnt fuck you afterwards, youll look depressed too!

A young wife, her boorish husband and a good-looking sailor were ship-wrecked on an island and had already been there for awhile.

One morning the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled – Stop fucking her down there!

Whats the matter with you? asked the husband after the sailor came back down. We werent doing anything.

Sorry, said the sailor. from up there it looked like you were.

Every morning after that, the sailor scaled the small tree and yelled the same thing. Finally, the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top.

By golly, hes right, said the husband. It DOES look like theyre fucking down there!

For years n years they told me,

Be careful of your breasts.

Dont ever squeeze or bruise them,

And give them monthly tests.

So I heeded all their warnings

And protected them by law

Guarded them very carefully,

An always wore a bra.

After thirty years of careful care,

The doctor found a lump,

He ordered up a Mammogram

To look inside that clump.

Stand up very close, she said,

As she got my tit in line,

And tell me when it hurts, she said,

Ah, yes! There! Thats just fine.

She stepped upon a pedal …

I could not believe my eyes!

A plastic plate was pressing down …

My boob was in a vise!!!

My skin was stretched n stretched

From way up by my chin,

And my poor tit was being squeezed

To Swedish pancake thin!!!

Excruciating pain I felt,

Within its vise-like grip,

A prisoner in this vicious thing,

My poor defenseless tit!!

Take a deep breath she said to me

Who does she think shes kidding?

My chest is smashed in her machine,

I cant breathe and woozy I am getting.

There, that was good, I heard her say

As the room was slowly swaying.

Now lets get the other one.

Lord, have mercy, I was praying.

It squeezed me from the up and down,

It squeezed me from both sides,

Ill bet shes never had this done

To her tender little hide!

If I had no problem when I came in,

I surely have one now …

If there had been a cyst in there,

It would have popped – Ker-pow!!

This machine was made by a man,

Of this I have no doubt.

Id like to get his balls in there,

For months hed go without!!

— Author Unknown

Husband: Honey, if I died, would you get remarried? Wife: Well, I suppose so.

Husband: Would you and he sleep in the same bed? Wife: I guess we would.

Husband: Would you make love to him? Wife: He would be my husband then, dear.

Husband: Would you give him my golf clubs? Wife: No…Hes left handed.

What is the difference between a hematologist and a urologist?

A hematologist pricks your finger.

Yo mama so fat when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun!