Old and New Jokes

a. Head for the largest open expanse of urinal available. If you stand too close to someone, they will think that you are gay. If you stand too far away from someone, they will think that you think that they are gay.

b. Three shakes only. Two is unhygienic, four is a wanker.

c. If you fart, say Whooaa, what a ripper!

d. Dont look. Real men never compare sizes.

e. Never use the drying machines or the towels. Walking out with wet hands into the bar looks like the condensation off at least six pitchers.

Rachel and Esther meet for the first time in fifty years since university.

Rachel begins to tell Esther about her children. My son is a doctor and hes got four kids. My daughter is married to a lawyer and they have three great kids. So tell me Esther, how about your kids?

Esther replies, Unfortunately, Morty and I dont have any children and so we have no grandchildren either.

Rachel says, No children? … and no grand kids? So tell me, Esther, what do you do for aggravation?

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. If I lose this case, Ill be ruined!

Its in the judges hands now, said the lawyer.

Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?

No! The judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court.

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It really worked!

Confidently the lawyer responded, Im sure we would have lost the case if youd sent them.

But I did send them., replied the man.

What? shouted the lawyer?

I sure did, thats how we won the case … good thing I remembered to enclose the plaintiffs business card.

Q – What should you do when you see ex-husband rolling
around in pain on the ground?
A – Shoot him again.Q – Why do little boys whine?
A – Theyre practicing to be men.Q – How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A -Three – one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.Q – What do you call a handcuffed man?
A – Trustworthy.Q – What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A – You didnt hold the pillow down long enough.Q – Whats the best way to kill a man?
A – Put a six-pack and a naked woman in front of him and ask him to choose just one.Q – What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A – They either cling, run, or dont fit right in the crotch.

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.

The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, Ah, yes, thats Mozarts Ninth Symphony, being played backwards.

He listened a while longer, and said, Theres the Eighth Symphony, and its backwards, too. Most puzzling.

So the magistrate kept listening; Theres the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth…

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate. He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, My fellow citizens, theres nothing to worry about. Its just Mozart decomposing.

Wife: Give me some money. I want to buy a bra.Husband: Why? You have nothing to put in it!Wife: You wear shorts!

A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.

When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.

The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.

The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, Youve got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!

The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snakes body for a few minutes, he asserted, Well, youre scaly, youre slimy, youve got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and youve got a forked tongue. I think youre a lawyer!

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

10. Did anyone think about bringing a couple of
umbrellas?

9. Hey, there are more than two flies in here!

8. Wasnt someone supposed to put two shovels on board?

7. OK, whos the wise-guy who brought the mosquitoes on
board?

6. Help! I need some Pepto for the elephants, QUICK!

5. Dont Make Me Pull This Ark Over And Come Back There!

4. No Ham, you cannot eat the Pig!

3. And whatever you do, DO NOT pull this plug out.

2. Nice Doggie!

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING OVERHEARD ON NOAHS ARK…..

1. Are We There Yet?

Llega una señora al consultorio del cirujano plástico y dice:

Quisiera que me dejara como nueva porque me voy a casar y mi novio cree que soy virgen, pero ya no…

Por supuesto, le cuesta cincuenta mil pesos.

Oiga, doctor ¿no habrá algo mas barato? Es que no puedo pagar eso.

Bueno, algo rápido podría ser por veinte mil.

No, no bájele más por favor.

Bueno ¿qué le parece diez mil pesos?

Mire, le voy a ser sincera, sólo traigo 500 pesos, ¿me lo hace?

Ummm, bueno quítese las pantaletas y acuéstese aquí.

Se acuesta y el doctor le manipula en sus genitales y antes de 2 minutos le dice, ya está, se puede ir.

¿Cómo, tan pronto? no es posible.

Que ya está, págueme.

La señora paga y se va y regresa a los 15 dias y le dice:

Doctor, ¿qué cosa me hizo?, qué increible, fue un dolor que ni en la primera vez y un sangradero bruto y mi esposo no podía meterlo, pues qué me hizo y tan rápido.

Pues qué quería que le hiciera por 500 pesos. Agarré 3 pelos de un lado y 3 pelos del otro lado y los amarré enmedio.