Old and New Jokes

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the mans friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside.

He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing.

Whats so funny? the bartender asked.

That stupid Dave! the fellow chortled, Hes so drunk, he thinks hes me!

Dont feel sorry for Monica. Shell be back on her knees in no time!

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men (and what they actually mean…

10. I think of you as a sister. (Youre ugly.)

9. Theres a slight difference in our ages. (Youre ugly.)

8. Im not attracted to you in that way. (Youre ugly.)

7. My life is too complicated right now. (Youre ugly.)

6. Ive got a girlfriend. (Youre ugly.)

5. I dont date women where I work. (Youre ugly.)

4. Its not you, its me. (Youre ugly.)

3. Im concentrating on my career. (Youre ugly.)

2. Im celibate. (Youre ugly.)

and the number 1 rejection line given by men (and what it actually means)

1. Lets be friends. (Youre sinfully ugly.)

John receives a phone call.

Hello, he answers.

The voice on the other end says, This is Susan.

We met at a party about 3 months ago.

John: hmmm… Susan? You say we met 3 months ago?

Susan: Yes, it was at Bills house. After the party gave me a ride home. On the way home, we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport.

John: Oh, yeah! Susan! How are have you been?

Susan: Well, Im pregnant and Im going to kill myself.

John: Say, you really ARE a good sport!

Q. Whats long and hard and brown and sticky all over?

A. A stick.

Why was Eminem running down the street?

Two little squirrels were walking along in the forest. The first one spied a nut and cried out, Oh, look! A nut! The second squirrel jumped on it and said, It’s my nut!

The first squirrel said, That’s not fair! I saw it first!

Well, you may have seen it, but I have it, argued the second.

At that point, a lawyer squirrel came up and said, You shouldn’t quarrel.

Let me resolve this dispute. The two squirrels nodded, and the lawyer squirrel said, Now, give me the nut. He broke the nut in half, and handed half to each squirrel, saying, See? It was foolish of you to fight. Now the dispute is resolved.

Then he reached over and said, And for my fee, I’ll take the meat.

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.

30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, Hi stranger, my name is Mike. Ill give you a free beer if you can guess the name of this bar in three tries.

The man says, Thanks…Mikes Place?

Nope.

Mikes Tavern?

No,

Mikes Pub?

No, but heres a free beer anyway. Nobody ever gets it. The joints name is Sallys Leggs!

Thats a good one. the man says and proceeds to get royally ripped.

The next morning the man is still drunk and sitting on a curb, when a cop pulls up and asks him what he is doing there. He responds, Im just waiting for Sallys Leggs to open, so I can wet my whistle!

Al morir, un tipo llega a las puertas del Paraíso y le manifiesta a San Pedro su deseo de entrar. El Portero Celestial inquiere:

¿Qué has hecho de bueno en la tierra?

Una vez le regale diez dólares a un pobre.

¿Y qué más?

Otro día le di cinco dólares a un ciego.

Adelante, ¿qué más cosas buenas hiciste?

Ninguna, eso es todo.

Entonces, San Pedro se levanta y se dirige a un ángel:

¡Devuélvele quince dólares a este imbécil y me lo mandas directo al infierno!