Old and New Jokes

There are three blondes stranded on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish.

The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into a brown haired woman and she swims off the island.



The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, so instantly she is turned into a black haired woman.The black haired woman builds a boat and sails off the island.



The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.

Ralphs Observation: It is a mistake to let any mechanical object realise that you are in a hurry. Corollary: On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike your toes.

When working on a project, if you put away a tool that youre certain youre finished with, you will need it instantly.

A small tourist hotel was all a buzz about an afternoon wedding where
the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble
and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his
bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.

But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main
staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear
life. She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in
the hotel.

The clerk looked really concerned, Whatever happened to you, honey?
You look like youve been wrestling an alligator!

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, Ohhh
God! He told me hed been saving up for 75 years… I thought he meant
his money!

At a resort, a fellow walks up to an older fellow who is sitting
in the sun, sipping iced tea.

Younger guy says – Hey, you gonna just sit around all day? How
about it if you join me for a round of golf.

Nah, the older fellow replies, tried it once, didnt like it.

Well then, younger fellow asks how about a swim? It might be
just as refreshing as your iced tea there.

Nah, the older fellow responds, tried it once, didnt like it.
But if youre game for tennis, my son will be here soon and is
usually up for a game or two – you might want to play with him.

Younger fellow replies: Your only child I presume?

Rob Peck

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says, I dont feel like it, I just want you to hold me.

The husband says, WHAT??

The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman.

The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She cant decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewelry Department where she gets a set of diamond ear rings.

The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out — but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says but you dont even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.

The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register.

The husband says, No, no, no, honey were not going to buy all this stuff. The wifes face goes blank. No honey – I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. Her face gets really mad and she is about to explode and the Husband says, You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man!!!

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.

Yo mama so poor when I ring the doorbell I hear the toilet flush!

Yo mama so stupid she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

Cuatro amigos de la universidad se fueron a parrandear fuera de la ciudad el fin de semana antes de los exámenes finales. Después de tanta fiesta, durmieron todo el domingo y regresaron a la ciudad el lunes por la mañana. No entraron al examen final y en cambio por la tarde buscaron al profesor y le explicaron su ausencia:

Lo que pasó es que nos fuimos de viaje el fin de semana y planeábamos estar de regreso el domingo para estudiar. Pero, desafortunadamente, se nos pinchó una llanta cuando veníamos de regreso. Como no teníamos herramientas y nadie nos quiso ayudar, perdimos el examen.

El profesor lo pensó y acordó hacerles el examen final al día siguiente. Felices, los cuatro amigos estudiaron toda la noche y llegaron al día siguiente a hacer el examen. El profesor los puso en salones separados y les repartió a cada uno el cuestionario.

El primer problema valía 5 puntos y era muy fácil, sobre la historia del mercadeo.

Los cuatro amigos respondieron rápidamente, cada uno en su salón separado, pensando Esto va a estar muy fácil.

Cuando terminaron el problema, voltearon la página para leer el segundo problema, que decía:

Por 95 puntos, ¿cuál llanta fue la que se les pinchó?