Old and New Jokes

During a recent staff meeting in Heaven, God, Moses, and Saint Peter
concluded that the behavior of President Clinton and Rep. Condit had
brought about the need for an eleventh commandment.

They worked long and hard in a brain storming Êsession to try to settle on
the wording of the new commandment, because they realized that it should
have the same style, majesty and dignity as the original ten.

After many revisions, they finally agreed that theÊeleventh commandment
should be:

Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff.

As most of you probably know, they are holding a Woodstock 25th anniversary concert (as well as another competing one nearby) 2 weeks from now (if you dont know what Woodstock was, ask your parents! 🙂 )

Here, taken from a Knight-Ridder story in the local paper yesterday, are 16 reasons people arent clamoring to buy tickets (the promoters still have 100,000 to sell to meet their goal of 250,000):

They remember how much better the movie was than the real thing.
They have to buy a four-ticket pack and couldnt find three friends who wanted to wallow in the mud for a weekend.
Who needs to go to the show when you can buy the T-shirt at K-Mart?
Already spent the next 5 years ticket budget on the Eagles, Pink Floyd and/or Barbra Streisand.
Theyre afraid the brown cappuccino might be bad.
$1,000 a night for a hotel room without Magic Fingers. [A broker reportedly bought up all the nearby hotel rooms, and this is apparently what theyre charging for a room at Holiday Inn.]
No guarantee that the weather will let them chant, No rain! No rain!
Not enough fax outlets or portable phone cells to follow the Dow.
Sha Na Na decided to play at Bethel [the other concert] instead of Woodstock. [Ask your parents about this group, too.]
No outlets for hair dryers.
Whats the use of having a BMW if the parking lots a mile away?
Parents remember going to the first one — but thats *all* they can tell you.
Still having flashbacks to the last scout jamboree.
Might miss live telecasts of O.J.Simpson jury selection.
Moshed out at Lollapalooza.
We are stardust/We are golden/Well stay home where its air conditioned.

From New Scientist, attributed from R.D. Hayler, Stoke-on-Trent, Staffordshire, to a friend:

Two sodium atoms are walking along the street when one stops and says, Oh my God, I think Ive lost an electron!

Are you sure? asks the other sodium atom.

Yes, replies the first sodium atom, Im positive.

This test has only one question, but its a very important one.
By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.You are in Florida, Miami to be specific.
There is chaos all around you, caused by a hurricane, with severe flooding.
This is a flood of biblical proportions.
You are a photo journalist working for a major newspaper, and you are caught in the middle of this epic disaster.
The situation is nearly hopeless.
Youre trying to shoot career-making photos.
There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water.
Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.
Suddenly you see a woman in the water.
She is fighting for her life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.
You move closer.
……Somehow the woman looks familiar.
You suddenly realize who it is. Its Hillary Clinton!
At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take her under…….forever.
You have two options — you can save Hillary Clinton, or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo documenting the death of one of the worlds most powerful women.
So, heres the question —–
Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of Black and White?

I sent flowers to someone who was moving to Florida for a job promotion. I also sent flowers the same day to a funeral for a friend. I found out later that the flower shop got the cards mixed up. They sent the card to the guy who was moving that said, "Deepest Condolences," and sent the card to the funeral home that said, "I know its hot where youre going, but you deserve it."

Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork. The baby
stork is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm him, Dont worry,
son. Your mother will come back. Shes only bringing people babies and making
them happy.

The next night, its fathers turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in
the nest, the baby stork is crying, and mother is saying, Son, your father will
be back as soon as possible, but now hes bringing joy to new mommies and
daddies.

A few days later, the storks parents are desperate: their son is absent from
the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him
where hes been all night.

The baby stork says, Nowhere. Just scaring the hell out of college students!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Woody!
Woody who?
Woody you want!

Yo mama so fat she broke her leg and gravy fell out.

A mans been drinking at the pub all night. The barman finally says that the bar is closing, so the man stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result.

He figures hell crawl outside and get some fresh air and that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the four blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face again.

He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up.

This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting, So youve been out drinking again!

What makes you say that? he asks, putting on an innocent look

His wife said, The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again.

El doctor Porras un día llevó a su esposa a cenar por primera vez al restaurante de un hotel. Al bajarse del carro el portero lo saluda muy cordialmente:

¡Qué tal doctor Porras! ¿Cómo me le ha ido? ¡Qué gusto tenerlo otra vez por acá!

La esposa extrañada le reclama con el respectivo codazo en las costillas y le dice:

¿Así que nunca habías venido por acá? ¿Y cómo es que saben tu nombre?

Pura táctica para que les den propina.

Al entrar al restaurante, el mesero los ubica en la mejor mesa y les dice:

que gusto verlo doctor porras, hacía tiempo que no venía, ¿le traigo lo de siempre?

Una vez más la esposa lo codea reclamándole: No que no… ¿Que nunca habias estado aqui?

Ya te dije que son trucos que usan para sacarte más dinero del que piensas gastar.

Pasado un rato el dueño del restaurante interrumpe la música de fondo y toma un micrófono: Señoras y señores… el momento esperado por todos ustedes, he aquí a la estrella de la noche, la espectacular stripper Susan.

Acto seguido Susan empieza a caminar por encima de las mesas y se detiene justo donde estaba sentado el doctor Porras y empieza a desvestirse muy sensual mientras le bailaba mirándolo fijamente.

Cuando Susan se queda en bolas, decide animar al publico gritando: ¿de quien son estas tetas? Y todos contestan en coro: ¡de Porras!, de Porras! De quien es esta chucha? ¡De porras!, ¡de porras! ¿De quien es este culo? ¡De porras!, de porras!

Y la esposa airada la emprende contra el doctor a carterazos y patadas hasta que se suben en un taxi donde siguen la contienda.

Habiéndose medio calmado la esposa, el taxista acomoda su espejo retrovisor de modo que pueda verle la cara a sus pasajeros. Ve a la esposa, la ignora, y luego reconoce al sujeto y le dice:

Oiga doctor Porras yo le había conocido a usted putas feas, pero nunca una así tan brava!!!