Old and New Jokes

I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldnt come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

I cant come in to work today because Ill be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac.

I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

Ive used up all my sick days…so Im calling in dead

The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

The dog ate my car keys, So now I have to hitchhike to the vet.

A passenger plane on a cross-country trip encountered a terrible storm. The plane got pounded by rain, hail, wind, and lighting. The passengers were screaming, certain that the plane was going to crash and that they were all going to die.

At the height of the storm, a young woman jumped up and exclaimed, I cant take this anymore! I cant just sit here and die like an animal, strapped into a chair. If I am going to die let me die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here whos man enough to make me feel like a woman?

She saw a hand go up in the back of the plane, and an incredibly handsome, tall, muscular man with dark, flowing hair smiled and started to walk up to her seat.

As he approached her, he slowly took off his shirt. She could see his impressive musculature even in the faltering lighting of the plane. He stood in front of her, shirt in hand, and said, I can make you feel like a woman before you die. Are you interested?

She eagerly nodded her head. Yes!

The man handed her his shirt and said, Here. Iron this.

Top Ten Changes to the new Star Wars update

#10 Tie fighters replaced with black UN helicopters lead by Buotros Buotros Vader.

#9 Sand People replaced by Michigan Militia members (and still walk single file to hide their numbers).

#8 Kahn turns out to be Captain Kirks father (whoops, thats from the Top Ten new Star Trek movie changes).

#7 Chewbacca now giggles when you tickle his tummy.

#6 If you look closely, storm troopers now have Microsoft employee badges.

#5 Original Jawas: Killed by Storm Troopers for having R2 and C3P0. New Jawas: Killed for pitching yet another lame JAVA product concept.

#4 Obi Wans name changed to OS/2 Kenobi. Uncle Owen now constantly says I think he died X years ago where X changes between 10 years before to 10 years in the future. Storm troopers now dont kill Uncle Owen but instead appoint him head of the Imperial press.

#3 Amiga users upset because the new computers in the Death Star are PCs when they could have been replaced with a single Amiga 1000 with 512K of ram and still run tons faster and do real multitasking unlike those PEE-CEEs

#2 The Canteen now has real rock stars in it. They look as they normally do but still manage to look more alien than the original aliens in there.

#1 Death Stars old slogan: Fear this battle station

Death Stars NEW slogan: Where do you want to go today?

When cosmetic products state Not Tested on Animals on the label, does it mean that that has not been tested at all, in which case the consumers are the Guinea Pigs, or does it mean that they tested it on a select group of animal rights activists who chose to substitute for the animals?

Hmmmmmmmm

Q: What did the Butcher say to me when he gave me an Empty Hotdog?

A: Have a Hollow Weenie.

What Exactly Is Marriage?

Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and dont have to give her back to her parents
-Eric, AGE 6

When somebodys been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, Ill take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me. Then she says yes, but shes wondering what the thing is and whether its naughty or not. She cant wait to find out.
-Anita, AGE 9

How Does a Person Decide Whom to marry?

You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one.
-Kelly, AGE 9

My mother says to look for a man who is kind….Thats what Ill do….Ill find somebody whos kinda tall and handsome.
-Carolyn, AGE 8

Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married.

Eighty-four Because at that age, you dont have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom.
-Carolyn, AGE 8

Once Im done with kindergarten, Im going to find me a wife
-Bert, AGE 5

How Did Your Mom and Dad Meet?

They were at a dance party at a friends house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down…It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values.
-Lottie, AGE 9

My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They wont tell me what kind.
-Jeremy, AGE 8

What Do Most People Do on a Date?

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-Martin, AGE 10

Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love.
-Craig, AGE 9

When Is It Okay to Kiss Someone?

You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and her own VCR, cause shell want to have videos of the wedding.
-Allan, AGE 10

Never kiss in front of other people. Its a big embarrassing thing

Lots of Republicans (particularly in Virginia), ecstatic over Patriot [P-a-t-r-i-o-t] [Pardoned And Termed Respectable Instead Of Tarnished] Oliver Norths nomination for the VA senators race, are shouting: OLLIE – LULLIA!

Yo mama so stupid she took a spoon to the superbowl.

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.

8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc. . . ). Play with the volume at max level.

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when Satan appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, and the souls of all your friends and law partners.
The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, So, whats the catch?