Old and New Jokes

A spaceship lands on Mars, and the astronauts are getting ready to go out when they look out the window and see something really weird.

Radioing Earth they yell: Houston, weve got a problem, theres a bunch of fully-bearded green Martians wearing black clothes, sidecurls and hats out there.

Go out and make contact, find more about them, was the reply.

So they did, and when they approached the group one of the astronauts asked: Do you all dress like that?

Oh, not at all, reply the Martians, Only the orthodox ones!

How do you tell the difference between a liberal and a conservative?

Easy. Watch a man drowning fifty feet offshore.

The conservative will throw out 25 feet of rope and shout swim for it!

The liberal will toss out 50 feet of rope, drop his own end, and
go off to do another good deed.

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip. So the next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the begining of the serman, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. Sip the vodka, dont gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and Spook
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, dont say he was stoned off his ass.
10.We do not refer to the cross as the big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he saidTake this and eat it, for it is my body, he did not say, Eat Me
12. The Virgin Mary is not reffered to as the Mary with the Cherry
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peters, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffys

10. Likes people that oppress him: teachers, parents, principals, police, and authority figures.

9. Is overly enthusiastic about Dungeons and Dragons and other role playing games.

8. Very familiar with megahertz, wears glasses and, can quote scripture.

7. Frequently speaks of martial arts, but still gets beaten up.

6. Says Whom instead of Who.

5. Is pleased when disruptive individuals are sent to the office, so that they can continue with their learning.

4. Prefers NPR to any music.

3. Gets upset when there is a test or quiz that he did not know about.

2. Rooted for Deep-Blue in the famous chess game.

1. Must be pulled off bridge when not accepted at the college of his choice.

There were three blondes living together.

Blonde #1 was coming back from grocery shopping, and she dropped her keys. She walked down the stairs to get them, and she said to herself, Am I going up the stairs or down the stairs?

So, she stood there puzzled, the bags of groceries still in her hands.

Blonde #2 was taking a bath, and was draining the tub because it was too cold. With her hair still dry, she said to herself, Was I getting in the tub or out of the tub? She stood there, just thinking about it.

Blonde #3 was sitting in the living room in front of the coffee table, and she said to herself, Knock on wood Im not as stupid as the other two! She knocked the table and sat there puzzled: Was that the front door or the back door?

¿Por qué se casa la gente?

Por falta de experiencia.

¿Por qué se divorcia?

Por falta de paciencia.

¿Por qué se vuelve a casar?

Por falta de memoria.

Dos borrachos se dirigían en automóvil a sus casas. De improviso, uno le grita desesperado al otro:

¡Cuidado con el árbol! ¡Cuidado con el árbol!

Chocan de frente contra un árbol y, por suerte, salen ilesos. Cuando logran recobrar el conocimiento el mismo sujeto reclama:

¿No te dije que tuvieras cuidado con el árbol?

Sí, ¡pero tú ibas manejando!

People will buy anything thats one to a customer.

Since were into USSR jokes:

Every philosophy is like looking for a black cat in a dark room;

Marxist philosophy is like looking for a black cat in a dark room, but
the cat isnt there;

Soviet philosophy is like looking for a black cat in a dark room,
the cat isnt there, but you keep shouting Ive found it! Ive found it!

If a schizophrenic threatens to commit suicide, is it considered a hostage situation?