Old and New Jokes

Knowledge without insight is like a horse in the library.

If Teddy Roosevelt were alive today, he probably would have said, Walk softly and carry an Uzi. Sadly, well never know. –Lev L. Spiro

Change is not made without inconvenience, even from worse to better. –Richard Hooker

A great way for to lose weight is to eat naked in front of a mirror. Restaurants will almost always throw you out before you can eat too much. –Frank Varano

Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong.

Brookes Law: Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.

Some people reach the top of the ladder of success only to find it is leaning against the wrong wall.

Flons Law: There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is the least bit difficult to write bad programs.

Its easy to identify people who cant count to ten. Theyre in front of you in the supermarket express lane. –June Henderson

Preudhommes Law of Window Cleaning: Its on the other side.

Be careful of your thoughts: They may become words at any moment.

There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress. –Mark Twain

If youre not part of the solution, youre part of the precipitate.

Silence is one of the hardest arguments to refute. –Josh Billings

Love is sentimental measles.

Put your Nose to the Grindstone! –Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd.

New Years Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his age, and his wife most often reminds him to act it. –Websters Unafraid Dictionary

We learn from experience. A man never wakes up his second baby just to see it smile. –Grace Williams

Anything free is worth what you pay for it.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest. –Rev. Larry Lorenzoni

The more we disagree, the more chance there is that at least one of us is right.

In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable. –Winston Curchill, of Montgomery

May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a Thousand Caramels.

Heaven goes by favor, if it went by merit, you would stay out, and your dog would go in. –Mark Twain

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldnt have said.

We really dont have any enemies. Its just that some of our best friends are trying to kill us.

If youre going to do something tonight that youll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. –Henny Youngman

A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothings even moving.

He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, Excuse me, Officer, whats the hold up?

The Officer replies, The President is just so depressed about the impeachment thing he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and hes threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesnt have the $33.5 million he owes his lawyers. Im walking round taking up a collection for him.

Oh really? How much have you collected so far?

So far only about three hundred gallons but Ive got a lot of folks still siphoning.

Age 8:
Looks at herself and sees Cinderella / Sleeping Beauty etc.

Age 15:
Looks at herself and sees Cinderella / Sleeping Beauty / Cheerleader or if she is PMSing: sees Fat / Pimples / UGLY (Mom, I cant go to school looking like this!)

Age 20:
Looks at herself and sees too fat / too thin, too short/ too tall, too straight / too curly – but decides shes going anyway.

Age 30:
Looks at herself and sees too fat / too thin, too short / too tall, too straight / too curly – but decides she doesnt have time to fix it so shes going anyway.

Age 40:
Looks at herself and sees too fat / too thin, too short / too tall, too straight / too curly – but says, At least, Im clean, and goes anyway.

Age 50:
Looks at herself and sees I am and goes where ever she wants to.

Age 60:
Looks at herself and reminds herself of all the people who cant even see themselves in the mirror anymore. Goes out and conquers the world.

Age 70:
Looks at herself and sees wisdom, laughter and ability, goes out and enjoys life.

Age 80:
Doesnt bother to look. Just puts on a red hat and goes out to participate in the world.

Age 90:
Cant see and so doesnt worry about it!

You might be a redneck if…
You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.

A pig walks into a bar and orders a beer. After drinking it, he hops off the bar stool, pees on the floor and leaves.

Another pig comes in, drinks his beer, pees on the floor and leaves.

A third and forth piggy come in and do the same exact thing.

Finally, a fifth piggy comes in to the bar and orders a beer. After finishing his beer, he gets off the bar stool and begins to walk out the door.

Before reaching the door, the bartender yells – Hey Pig…arent you going to pee on the floor like the others?

To which the pig replies – No you idiot! Everyone knows that the last little piggy goes WEE WEE WEE – all the way home!

Q: Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
A: So he can ho-ho-ho.

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world up over?

Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?

Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?

Does killing time damage eternity?

Why doesnt Tarzan have a beard?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why is it that when youre driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

Daylight savings time – why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?

Do pilots take crash-courses?

Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? [NOTE: Geo.
Washingtons picture is on a quarter]

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?

How can there be self-help groups?

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

How many weeks are there in a light year?

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?

If athletes get athletes foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?

If Barbies so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?

If blind people wear dark glasses, why dont deaf people wear earmuffs?

If cats and dogs didnt have fur would we still pet them?

If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?

If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?

If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?

If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

If you cant drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

Why do the signs that say Slow Children have a picture of a running child?

Why do they call it chili if its hot?

Why do we sing Take me out to the ball game, when we are already there?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Estaban tres borrachos conversando y uno le dice al otro:

Oye.. ¿para ti qué es más rápido?

Uno de los otros dos borrachos le contesta: Para mí lo más rápido es el rayo porque medio cae y ya está el rayo

El otro borracho dice: Para mí la luz porque medio prendes el foco y ya está la luz

Entonces los dos borrachos le preguntan al primero: ¿Y para ti? ¿Para mí lo más rápido es la diarrea, por que el otro dia me levante como un rayo, prendí el foco y ya estaba cagado…

Trabajaban en la construcción de un edificio, un estadounidense, un italiano y un tontilandés.

De almuerzo, el yanqui siempre llevaba hamburguesas, y ya estaba tan enfadado que aseguró:

Si para mañana vuelvo a encontrar hamburguesas para almorzar, me suicido tirándome del edificio.

El italiano invariablemente llevaba espagueti de almuerzo, entonces dijo lo mismo que el yanqui; al tontilandés le sucedió lo mismo con su sándwich de crema de cacahuate.

Como al siguiente día, los tres llevaron para almorzar lo mismo de siempre, los tres se suicidaron.

Ya en el velorio, las esposas de ellos se encuentran platicando:

La estadounidense, lloriqueando, dice:

Fue mi culpa, por prepararle siempre hamburguesas.

Entre suspiros, la italiana asegura:

Fue mi culpa, por siempre prepararle espagueti para el almuerzo.

Y la esposa del tontilandés, con voz entrecortada, se lamenta:

¡Ay, mi marido siempre se preparaba su almuerzo!