Old and New Jokes

A blind man was describing his favorite sport – parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him.

“I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go.”

But how do you know when you are going to land? he was asked.

Well, I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground, he answered.

But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground? he was again asked.

He quickly answered, Oh that? The dogs leash goes slack!

Whats the difference between men and beer? When youre done with the beer its still worth 5 cents.

Hickory Dickory Dock, An elephant ran up the clock, The clock is being repaired.

A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block of marble; then you chip away everything that doesnt look like an elephant.

Dont call an elephant, he may come!

An ant and an elephant share a night of romance. Next morning the ant wakes up and the elephant is dead. Damn, says the ant, one night of passion and I spend the rest of my life digging a grave!

Tourist guide at zoo: Ladies and gentlemen, this is the elephant, the largest animal to roam the lands. Every day the elephant eats 3 dozen bunches of bananas, 6 tons of hay, and 2000 pounds of assorted fruits. Madam, please dont stand near the elephants backside…. Madam, PLEASE dont stand near the elephants backside … MADAM … MADAM …, too late; George, dig her out.

Getting anything done around here is like mating elephants. Its done on a very high level. Theres a lot of stomping and screaming involved. And it takes two years to get any results.

It says in a book that more than 6000 elephants go each year to make piano keys! Isnt it amazing what elephants can be trained to do!?

A clerk was showing a lady a very nice dress shirt and tie.

Now this, the clerk said, is absolutely elegant. It is perfect for a man-about-town.

Could be, the woman replied, but Im looking more for something for a louse-around-the-house.

The
CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the
background checks, interviews, and testing were done
there were three finalists, two men and a woman. For
the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to
a large metal door and handed him a gun.
We must know that you will follow your instructions,
no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room,
you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!
The man said, You cant be serious. I could never
shoot my wife. The agent said, Then youre not the
right man for this job.
The second man was given the same instructions. He
took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet
for about five minutes. Then the man came out with
tears in his eyes. I tried, but I cant kill my wife.
The agent said, You dont have what it takes. Take
your wife and go home.
Finally, it was the womans turn. She was given the
same instructions to kill her husband. She took the
gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one
shot after another. Then the agents heard screaming,
crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes,
all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood
the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and
said, This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat
him to death with the chair.

The following were actually taken from classified ads in newspapers:

Free Yorkshire Terrior.

8 years-old. Hateful little dog.

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Free Puppies:

1/2 Cocker Spaniel

1/2 Sneaky Neighbors Dog

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Free Puppies:

Part German Shepherd

Part Stupid Dog

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German Shepherd – 85lbs.

Neutered. Speaks German. Free!

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1 Man, 7 Women hot tub — $850/offer

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Amana Washer $100.

Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed.

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Snow blower for sale.

Only used on snowy days.

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2 Wire mesh butchering gloves:

1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair $15.

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Tickle Me Elmo, Still in Box,

Comes with its own

1988 Mustang, 5L, Auto

Excellent Condition, $6,800.

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83 Toyota Hunchback — $2,000

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Star Wars Job of the Hut — $15

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Soft & Genital Bath Tissues

or Facial Tischue – $.89

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Full-Sized Mattress

20 Year Warranty

Like New! Slight urine smell.

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FREE 1 Can of Pork & Beans

With Purchase of 3 BR / 2 BTH Home

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Nordic Track $300

Hardly used. Call Chubbie.

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Bills Septic Cleaning

We Haul American Made Products

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Shakespeares Pizza – Free Chopsticks

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HUMMELS – Largest Selection Ever!

If its in stock, we have it!

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Get a Little John:

The Traveling Urinal

Holds 2 1/2 Bottles of Beer.

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Harrisburg Postal Employees Gun Club

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Georgia Peaches

California Grown – $.89/lb.

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Nice Parachute

Never Opened – Used Once

Slightly Stained

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American Flag

60 Stars – Pole Included – $100

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Tired of Working for only $9.75 per hour?

We offer profit sharing and flexible hours.

Starting Pay: $7-9 per hour.

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Exercise Equipment

Queen Size Mattress & Box Springs – $175

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Our Sofa Seats the Whole Mob!

And its made of 100% Italian Leather.

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Joining Nudist Colony!

Must Sell Washer & Dryer – $300

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Lawyer Says Client is Not That Guilty.

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Alzheimers Center Prepares

for an Affair to Remember

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Gas Cloud Clears out Taco Bell

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Open House!

Body Shapers Toning Salon

Free Coffee & Donuts

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Kelloggs Pot Tarts – $1.99/box.

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Fully Cooked Boneless Smoked Mann $2.09/lb.

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FOR SALE BY OWNER

Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica.

45 volumes – Excellent condition.

$1,000.00 or best offer.

No longer needed.

Got married last weekend.

Wife knows everything.

Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny. (KM)
When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you
wanted are infinitesimal. (KM)
Santa seldom answers your mail. (KM)
When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff hes got, he says, Elves
make it for me. (KM)
Santa doesnt care about your deadlines. (KM)
Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did all the work
themselves. (KM)
Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions. (KM)
Santa laughs entirely too much. (KM)
Santa thinks nothing of breaking into your $HOME. (KM)
Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence. (KM)
Santa is forced to do all his work when his users are in down time. (TS)
Hes forced to work even on observed holidays. (TS)
He claims hes unique, but you see people just like him at the mall. (TS)
Users make an incredible number of unreasonable demands, but in the end, the
only thing that really interests them are new toys. (TS)
Somehow, somewhere, by some unknown process, he found a wife just like him. (TS)
Where people dont believe in him, inevitably there are other people who do
the same job, just with a different title. (TS)
Users arent happy enough to see the results of his work. They keep asking
perstering questions about how he manages to do it. They cant accept that
its just some sort of magic. (TS)
Even the non-religious pray for him to arrive. (TS)
Hes the only one who laughs at his message of the day. (TS)
Hell never get another job; his resume is too specific to the job he
currently has. (TS)
Some of the users who make requests are kind of sophisticated, but most of
them are having a good day when they avoid peeing their pants in his
presence. (TS)
Hes forced to crawl into unreasonably small, dirty spaces to do his job…
even when hes wearing a nice suit. (TS)
Even if his work is really mostly spiritual, the world is a
better place because of his existence!!! (TS)
People expect everything from him, within 24 hours, and at no cost.
(SS)

Items tagged as:

KM written by Keith Meidling

TS written by Tony Shepps

SS written by Steve Simmons

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says, Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 15 km.

He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign that says, Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 8 km and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign saying, Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution Next Right his curiosity gets the better of him and he pulls into the drive.

On the far side of the parking lot is a sombre stone building with a small sign next to the door saying, Sisters of Mercy.

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, What may we do for you, my son?

He answers, I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business.

Very well, my son. Please follow me.

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, Please knock on this door.

He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup.

This nun instructs, Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway.

He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nuns cup.

He then trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another small sign.

Go in Peace. You Have Just Been Screwed by the Sisters of Mercy.

Dear Father,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply ¢ant think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on.

After receiving his sons letter, the father immediately replies by sending a letter back.

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,
Dad

There were two drunked man. one man told to another man that ,you know that india and bharat are having war.
So the other man told that why are we worrying about it, we are living in hindustan.