Q. How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A. Unique up on it!
Q. How do you catch a tame rabbit?
A. Tame way!
22
Dec
22
Dec
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea – one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, Im bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldnt have any worries about being eaten…
22
Dec
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.
113. Fill an empty shaving cream can with whipped cream. Use it to shave, and then spray some into your mouth. Later on, complain that you feel sick. Continue this process for several weeks.
22
Dec
The one labeled IDAHO.
22
Dec
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years at Checkout Counter
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isnt Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
22
Dec
An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini –
I want to feel your breasts he exclaimed.
Get away from me, you crazy old man she replied.
I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars, he says.
Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!
I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS he stated.
NO! Get away from me!
TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS he offered.
She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and said, I said NO!
FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts, he claimed.
She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough…and $500 IS a lot of money….
Well, OK…but only for a minute.
She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel… then he started saying, OH MY GOD…OH MY GOD…OH MY GOD… while he was caressing them.
Out of curiosity, she asked him, Why do you keep saying, Oh my god, oh my god?
While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, OH MY GOD…OH MY GOD…OH MY GOD…
OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?
22
Dec
A man walks into a bar one day and asks, Does anyone here own that rottweiler outside?
Yeah, I do! a biker says, standing up. What about it?
Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him…
What are you talkin about?! the biker says, disbelievingly. How could your little runt kill my rottweiler?
Well, it seems he got stuck in your dogs throat!
17
Dec
Q: How many statisticians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: This should be determined using a nonparametric procedure, since statisticians are not normal.
17
Dec
The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman.
Mrs. Fitzgerald, the reverend said sternly.
This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why dont you let me take you home?
Shure, she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realised that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The bartender looked over the bar and said, Here, here, buddy, we wont have any of that carrying on in this bar.
The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, But you dont understand, Im Pastor Fuzz.
The bartender nodded.
Well if youre that far you may as well finish.
17
Dec
One night, the Potato family – Mother Potato and her three daughters – sat down to dinner. Midway through the meal, the eldest daughter spoke up. Mother Potato? she said. I have an announcement to make.
And what might that be? said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughters eyes.
Well, replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, Im getting married!
The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, Married! Thats wonderful! And who are you marrying, eldest daughter?
Im marrying a Russet!
A Russet! replied Mother Potato with pride. Oh, a Russet is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!
As the family shared in the eldest daughters joy, the middle daughter spoke up. Mother, I too, have anannouncement.
And what might that be? asked Mother Potato.
Not knowing quite how to begin, the middle daughter paused, then said with conviction, I, too, am getting married!
You, too!Mother Potato said with joy. Thats wonderful! Twice the good news in one evening! And who are you marrying, middle daughter?
Im marrying an Idaho, beamed the middle daughter.
An Idaho! said Mother Potato with joy. Oh, an Idaho is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!
Once again, the room came alive with laughter and excited plans for the future, when the youngest Potato daughter interrupted. Mother? Mother Potato?
Umm, I, too, have anannouncement to make.
Yes? said Mother Potato with great anticipation.
Well, began the youngest Potato daughter with the same sheepish grin as her eldest sister before her,I hope this doesnt come as a shock to you, but I am getting married, as well!
Really? said Mother Potato with sincere excitement. All of my lovely daughters married! What wonderful news! And who, pray tell, are you marrying, youngest daughter, dear?
Im marrying Dan Rather!
Dan Rather?!
Mother Potato scowled suddenly. But hes just a common tater!