Old and New Jokes

Yo mama so poor I went in her house one day and stepped on a cigarette and she said, Oh no… There goes the heat.

A man lay spread out over three seats in the second row of a movie theater.

As he lay there breathing heavily, an usher came over and said, Thats very rude of you, sir, taking up three seats. Didnt you learn any manners! Where did you come from?

The man looked up helplessly and said, The balcony!

You might be a redneck if…
Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if theyve got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.

(Forwards deleted to protect the innocent)

The following is from the business section of The Kansas City Star, Jan 17, 1995:

Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.

– Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

– Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that wont last out the year.

– The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957.

But what … is it good for?

– Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

– Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. Approaching the bar, he sees a big sign on the door saying NERDS NOT ALLOWED – ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!

He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living.

The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling.

The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.

Sipping his beer, the truck driver watches as a skinny guy walks in complete with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.

The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now.

You dont even need a license, he said.

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway.

He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.

He cant let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver said Whats wrong? I thought nerds were in season.

Well, sure, said the patrolman, But you cant bait em.

A lawyer defending a manaccused of burglary tried this creative defense:"My client merelyinserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is nothimself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offensecommitted by his limb.""Well put," thejudge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendants arm to one yearsimprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."The defendant smiled. And, with his lawyersassistance, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench and walked out.

Harvey and Sara — an elderly married couple — have trouble remembering things, so they write everything down. One night in bed, Sara gets a craving and wakes up her husband.

Get up and bring me some apple pie and ice cream, Harvey, Sara says. And you better write it down.

I think I can remember that, Harvey mumbles as he heads for the kitchen.

Twenty minutes later, Harvey returns with a plate of scrambled eggs and sausage.

Whats this? Sara asks.

Its what you asked for! Harvey says.

See, I told you to write it down, Sara says. You forgot my toast.

One who shortens the day by lengthening his night.

Yo mama so fat she uses I-95 as a slip and slide on rainy days.

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house
in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the
motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged
through a glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the
house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her
husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him
and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an
ambulance. Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the
several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her
husband.

After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the
wife up righted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had
spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the
gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet.

The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After
arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his
motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and
smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his
legs into the toilet bowl while still seated.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband
screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on the floor.
His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the
back of his legs and his groin.

The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance. The same ambulance
crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded
the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street.

While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one
of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself.

She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped
the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and
broke his arm.

Now that is a bad day…