Old and New Jokes

Top 10 Halloween Things That Sound Dirty…

10. Shes a goblin!

9. Id like to get a little something in the sack.

8. Let me see your bag….OH!-Youre having a great night!

7. Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head.

6. Shes got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch

5. If you just lick it, itll last longer.

4. Show me your JuJuBees and Ill let you see my Zagnuts.

3. Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth,

2. You scared me stiff!

1. Hes got Candy spread out on the living room floor!

A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but its not legal.

That doesnt matter, replied the blonde, if I only can sell the car.

Okay, said the brunette.

Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car.

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, Did you sell your car? No, replied the blonde, why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it.

Heard on the local radio station (SUNNY 95 in Columbus Ohio)

An old man goes to a church, and is making a confession:

Man: Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years.
All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday
I was intimate with an 18 year old.

Father: When was the last time you made a confession?

Man: I never have, I am Jewish.

Father: Then why are telling me all this?

Man: I am telling everybody …

You might be a redneck if…
You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.

A guy walks into a bar. He tells the bartender he has no money, but in exchange for a beer hell show him a trick hell never forget.

The bartender shakes his head but goes ahead and gives the man a beer.

The guy takes a rat out of one pocket and a frog out of another. The rat scurries over to the bars piano and plays a tune. The frog belts out the song in perfect harmony with the rats piano playing.

A few minutes later another man walks over and offers the customer $100 for the frog. He instantly accepts, and gives the other man the frog.

Are you nuts? the bartender asks. That frog could be worth a fortune to you.

Dont be so sure, the customer says. The rats a ventriloquist.

A bunch of blondes walk into a restaurant celebrating and chanting 28 days, 28 days, it only took us 28 days!!



Everyone was wondering what took them 28 days and why they were celebrating. Finally, when the blondes were about to leave, a waitor goes up and asks What took you 28 days, why are you celebrating??



All the blondes say We just finished a puzzle in 28 days and on the box it said 3-6 years!!!

Q: Whats the difference between pink and purple?

A: The grip!!!!!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Pat!
Pat who?
Pat yourself on the back!

Biology is the only sceince in which multiplication
means the same thing as division.

Jim Goldmans joke reminded me of an oldie but goodie:

Fred and Myra were residents at the local old age home. One day, Fred came shuffling past Myra when she waved him over.

Fred, she said, Ill bet I can guess how old you are.

Okay, replied Fred, go ahead. Tell me how old I am.

Well, you got to pull down your pants first Fred.

What are ya talkin about Myra?

I can only tell how old you are if you pull down your pants Fred.

Shrugging his shoulders, Fred obliges and pulls down his pants. Myra tells him to pull down his underpants as well.

Thinking why not? he pulls down his underpants as well. Myra peers at his privates, inspecting from all angles. She takes his equipment in hand, moves it around a bit, feeling here and there. After some of this manipulation, she looks up at Fred and announces, Youre 87 years old.

Astonished, Fred looks at her in amazement!

How did you figure that out Myra?!?!?

Fred — you told me yesterday.