Old and New Jokes

there were 3 guys that went sky diving. one dropped a pebbleand jumped.the second dropped a rock. and the third dropped a grenade. when the first guy landed he was a little kid crying so he asked hey kid why are you crying and the kid replied I just got nailed by some moron that threw a pebble at me. when the second guy landed he saw a man with a big bump on his head so he asked how did you get that big bump on your head? and the man replied some moron threw a rock at me. when the third guy landed he saw this little kid laughing so hard his face turned red. so he aske hey kid whats so funny? and the little kid repliesmy daddy farted and the house blew up.

the president has flown in from texas for an important discussion with the israeli president who is a jew.


the israeli president asks,would u like some local food?


mr bush accepts and drinks the manischewitz wine


Bush then offers,hey would u like a hotdog made from the finest pork products in america?

Once Bill Clinton visited a elementary school to talk to a group of 3rd graders. He said to them, Today we are going to discuss the difference between a tragedy, a great loss and an accident. Then he said, Can anyone give me an example of a tragedy?

A little boy raises his hand and says, If a kid runs out in the street after a ball and gets hit by a car. Clinton says, No, that would be an accident. Can anyone else try? A little girl raises her hand and says, If a busload of kids drove off a cliff. Clinton says, No, that would be a great loss. Come on, anyone else?



A boy raises his hand and says and says, If you and Mrs. Clinton was on a plane and it blew up. Then Clinton says, Well, Yes, but can you tell me why it would be considered a tragedy? And the little boy says, Well, it wouldnt have been an accident, and it sure as heck wouldnt have been a great loss.

At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts.

As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.

After dinner, one thing leads to

another and they end up in her hotel bedroom.

Just as things get hot, the female doc interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back, they go for it.

After the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands.

As she comes back the male doc says, I bet you are a surgeon.

She confirms, and asks how he knew.

Easy, he said, youre always washing your hands.

Thats very clever! she says, I bet youre an anesthesiologist.

Wow, how did you guess? he asked.

I didnt feel a thing! she replied.

Arbitrator ar-bi-tray-ter: A cook that leaves Arbys to work at McDonalds.

Avoidable uh-voy-duh-buhl: What a bullfighter tries to do.

Baloney uh-lo-nee: Where some hemlines fall.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

Eagles may soar, but weasels dont get sucked into jet engines

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

Im not cheap, but I am on special this week

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

I intend to live forever – so far, so good

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If you aint makin waves, you aint kickin hard enough!

Mental backup in progress – Do Not Disturb!

Mind Like A Steel Trap – Rusty And Illegal In 37 States

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of

Support bacteria – theyre the only culture some people have

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

When everythings coming your way, youre in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Give a man a free hand and hell run it all over you.

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

24 hours in a day … 24 beers in a case … coincidence?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some dont have film.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Corduroy pillows: Theyre making headlines!

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

Q: Do you know what the height of mixed emotions is?

A: Watching your mother-in- law go over a cliff in your brand-new Mercedes.

I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which when you looked at it in the right way, did not become still more complicated.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.

I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.