Old and New Jokes

An <ethnic> couple decided to stay at a very exclusive, WASP only
hotel for a night. The manager immediately recognized them for
what they are but could not throw them out, instead he decided
to be clever. In the morning the couple came to settle the bill
and were surprised to find they owe $3000.

Hows this? Weve only been here one night! the man was annoyed.

So? said the manager, This is a very expensive hotel. We have
golf courts, tennis courts, swimming pools, exercise rooms, bars
and restaurants, all this is very expensive to keep up.

But we didnt use any of these! explained the couple.

If you didnt use–thats your problem, came the reply.

In that case, you owe me $2000. You see, my wife is a call girl
who charges $5000 a night, so please settle your bill, said the
man.

What do you mean? the manager was taken off guard, I didnt
sleep with your wife!

If you didnt use–thats your problem!

Alexander Pruss, at one of: Department of Applied Mathematics,
Astronomy, Mathematics, or Physics / University of Western Ontario

Q. Do all men really masturbate?A. Yes. It is genetically inherited behavior. Its been passed on from our primal forefathers, and itll be passed on to our sons. Although all women inherit the genotype as well, most women dont express the phenotype until much later in their life cycle.Q. Why do men generally have greater upper body strength?A. Several factors are at work, namely evolution, heredity, nutrition, and environment. (See also: Do all men really masturbate?)Q. Why do men generally have better hand-eye motor coordination?A. It is like with all things. Practice… Practice… Practice… (See also: Do all men really masturbate?) Q. Why are men such dogs?A. I resent that. Dogs are faithful… loyal… affectionate… and obedient… We men are nothing like dogs.Q. Why are men so annoying?A. Were not. Youre just moody. What? Is it that time of the month again already?Q. Why do men always assume its that time of the month?A. Well, men are very easily confused. While most months hover around 30 days, most women cycle around the lunar calendar (~28 days). This creates a mismatching cycle thats just too much for us males to track. Its simply easier for men to assume that its that time of the month. Surprisingly, this form of guesstimate actually works with amazing accuracy.Q. Why cant men just be friends (i.e. the sex thing)?A. Women either talk incessantly about their mate or only call when theyre having relationship trouble. Most women dont even like being friends with other women. In general, women are catty, petty, competitive, jealous, and gossipy. Why else would men want to be friends with women? (See also: Whats the deal with this male bonding business?)Q. Whats the deal with this male bonding business?A. The answer to this question, again lies in mens evolutionary roots. In prehistoric times when men hunted, in order to be successful, it was often necessary to hunt in packs. Needless

Which Condom would you use….

Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you cant stop.
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
Flinstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.
Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but ph balanced for a woman.
Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, its that simple.
Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
Chevy Condoms: Like a Rock.
Dial Condoms: Arent you glad you use it? Dont you wish everybody did?
New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey–you never know.
California Lotto Condoms: Whos next?
Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
EverReady Condoms: Keeps going and going …
KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing.
Lays Condoms: Betcha cant have just one.
Campbells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good.

[Ed: and the Energizer Condoms are best used inside-out, at which point
they keep coming and coming…]

If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them?
How do they get a deer to cross
at that yellow road sign?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Is it true that cannibals dont eat clowns because
they taste funny?
Experience is what you get when you didnt
get what you wanted.
Why do you need a drivers license to buy liquor when
you cant drink and drive?
Why isnt phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical
situations?
If a 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year,
why are there locks on the doors?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make
TEFLON stick to the pan?
If youre in a vehicle going the speed of light,
what happens when you turn on the headlights?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why is it that when you transport something by car,
its called a shipment, but when you transport something
by ship, its called cargo?
You know that little indestructible black box that
is used on planes, why cant they make the whole plane
out of the same substance?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

[More
one liners]

Two guys, Joe & Bill went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, they fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Joe wakes his faithful friend and says, Bill, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.

Bill replies, I see millions of stars.

What does that tell you? asked Joe.

Bill ponders for a minute, then says, Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the

morning.

Theologically, its evident the

Lord is all-powerful and we are small, and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What does it tell you, Joe?

Joe is silent for a moment, then says, Bill, you stupid moron, someone has stolen our tent.

You might be a redneck if…
Youve ever hitchhiked naked.

1. During the middle of the meal, turn to mom and say, See mom, I told you they wouldnt notice that the turkey was four months past its expiration date. You were worried for nothing.

2. When everyone goes around to say what they are thankful for, say, Im thankful I didnt get caught and refuse to say anything more.

3. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your shake back to the table. Announce that its the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake

4. Prepare a several hour long speech to give when asked about your thankfulness. If necessary, insist that no one leave or eat until you have finished the speech.

5. Bring along old recorded football games and pop them in the VCR when dads not looking. Make sure it is set to the last two minutes of the game when he comes into the room, turn off the VCR, and then turn on the regular TV.

6. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms. Request that she bring photos.

What is black, blue and brown? A blonde who has told too many blonde jokes.

I can let you have this top-of-the-line stereo for nine hundred dollars, minus six percent for cash, the salesman said.

The customer, not able to figure the calculation, said he would think about the deal and return the next day.

That evening, the fellow asked his female friend, If you were offered nine hundred dollars minus six percent, how much would you take off?

Everything but my earrings, she purred.

Un tipo libertino le pregunta a otro:

Oye, ¿no sabes de alguna chica, que esté bien buena y que yo no conozca? Lo que pasa es que ya me cogí a todas las chavas de este pueblo.

Su amigo le comenta acerca de una joven apodada La Profunda, a la que nadie había podido hacerla gozar.

El tipo, presumiendo ser experto en cuestiones sexuales, se va muy confiado a la casa de la chica. Al llegar, el sujeto le ofrece a La Profunda que si tienen sexo, él la haría gozar por primera vez. La mujer, no muy convencida, acepta el trato.

El tipo se baja el pantalón y, sin más, la empieza a penetrar. El hombre comienza a gemir, mientras la muchacha está como si nada. De repente, el tipo comienza a sentir que se hunde dentro de la chica, y en el forcejeo para evitar ser tragado por ella se le va el zapato adentro de su hoyo. Entonces, para recuperar su zapato se adentra en la chica y empieza a buscarlo. Repentinamente, ve a un árabe que estaba sentado, y le pregunta:

¿Tú también intentaste acostarte con La Profunda, verdad?

Sí, hasta mi camello se la quiso coger y no pudo.

Oye, ¿me ayudarías a encontrar mi zapato?

Claro, pero primero busquemos a mi camello.