A woman from New York was getting her affairs in order. She prepared her

will and made her final arrangements. As part of these arrangements she

met with her Rabbi to talk about what type of funeral service she wanted,

etc.

She told her rabbi she had two final requests.

First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes

scattered over Bloomingdales.

Bloomingdales! the rabbi said. Why Bloomingdales?

That way, I know my daughters will visit me twice a week.

We had a great neighborhood watch going when I was a kid … until she closed her curtains.
Hes what every woman wants – strong, sensitive … battery operated!
There is no truth in the rumor that Roy Rogerss horse Trigger sued him for palomino-mony.
Chap with a fetish walks into a sex shop and asks So hows the leather been lately?
The latest product on the market in the continuing war against white ants – its called Arson.
Unfortunately, since I went on the wagon, the wagon went and got a liquor licence.
Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
Marriage – natures way of stopping people fighting with strangers.
OK, so God made Heaven and Earth. But what has he done recently?
Graffiti Dyslexics of the world – untie!
My grandfather died peacefully in his sleep. Which is more than I can say for the three passengers he had in his car at the time.
My friend is so full of self-importance – when he dies, he wants his mail forwarded.
My friend is master of the English language. Hes the only bloke I know who can describe Pamela Anderson and Dolly Parton without using his hands!
I eat from the three major food groups McDonalds, Wendys and Pizza Hut.
I always keep a coathanger in the glove box – just in case I locked my keys in the car.
When a girl says No she really means Yes, but not with you.
To err is human … to really screw up something up takes a computer.
Sure you cant take it with you. But you can stash it where no other bastard can find it.
I cant wait to get really old – then I can actually pick my nose in public.
Dumb? Hes so dumb whenever he leaves his car he leaves the windows down so he wont lock himself out.
My father never liked me. As a kid wed play trains – he used to tie me to the tracks!
My father used to give me bath toys like electric toasters and hair dryers.
When I was a teenager it took me a lot of time to work up the courage to ask the chemist for a packet of condoms. Now it takes me even longer to choose which color.
Women! First they marry you for your money … then they divorce you for it!
I told her Id take her on a ocean cruise – she said shed rather have Tom Cruise.
My wife says my sex drive has taken up walking.
I told my wife I want to die in bed. She said, You did last night – three times!
Hes just a bit kinky – only went through nursing school so he could wear white pantyhose.
We were having such a romantic afternoon making love in the back of the Mercedes – then they kicked us out of the showroom.
Im gradually getting my body back into shape – at least twice a week I think about doing some exercise.
Loser? Hes such a loser he says he was forced to have sex in a hotel room against his will. Problem was he alone.
My wife had a sex change…Now its Wednesdays and Saturdays instead of Tuesdays and Fridays.
You know when your losing youre figure when you come home and find your husband wearing your bra and panties – and he looks better in them.
Ugly? Shes so ugly in the school play she played the hunchback of Notre Dame…without make-up.
My mother-in-law told me exercise helps burn off the calories. I told her a flamethrower would be quicker.
We have a self-cleaning refrigerator – she leaves stuff in there so long, it eventually crawls out under its own steam.
My psychiatrist says Im manic-depressive – I have mixed feelings about that.
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mums wise words – Dont pick that up, you dont know where its been.
He was an unwanted child – his parents gave him plastic bags to play with.
Enough is enough – unless of course youre a nymphomaniac!

what time does micheal jackson go to bed?

My most memorable one was, after being lightly smacked on the butt and asking, What was that for? Nothing. DO something and see what you get.

I once got smacked and when I asked, What was that for? my mom replied, Thats for all the things I never found out about.

If you fall out of that tree and break your leg, dont come running to me! Variation: Cut your legs off in that lawnmower, dont you come running to me! If you poke your eye out with that thing, dont come looking for me!

You always find things in the last place you look. Keep doing that with your face and itll stay that way.

This hurts me more than it hurts you. Variation: (speaking in time with the spanking) This(spank) hurts(spank) me(spank) more(spank)…..

I want you to go find something for me to spank you with.

Mother to my Father: Hes got my looks and your brains! Hes your son!

Ive told you a million times, dont exaggerate.

What were you thinking of? Well, I… DONT INTERRUPT ME WHEN IM TALKING.

Mom, can I… [Interrupting] If you have to ask the answer is no. Variation: Mom… [Interrupting] NO!

Dont look at me, we had a funny looking milkman!

Go ask your father, youre his fault. Variation: Did you hear what YOUR son did?

Wait till you grow up and have kids of your own! Youre in big trouble when your Father comes home! If your not home by 6:00, your grounded! Flush the toilet and wash your hands! Because I SAID so! Just because, thats why. Youre grounded. Just do it, or else.

Eat it, or you can leave the table. (OK! Im outta here!!!!!) Variation: Eat it, or youll go without (Sounds good to me!)

If you lose that, Im taking it away from you!

(at dinner): How do you know you dont like it if you havent tried it? Variation: You dont have to like it … you have to eat it!

Look, your father and I are eating it… This after having many times said, If you friends jumped off a cliff, would you do it too?

Where were you, you were supposed to be home hours ago??? – I da know…….. Well you must know. What were you doing??? – Nothing……

Youll spoil your dinner eating that candy – better than spoiling the candy by eating dinner

ONE..TWO….THREE……FOUR……….. – oh oh, now she means business!!!

Because I said so, thats why. When you get married and have kids youll understand.

Never mind me, Ill just stay at home in the dark and listen to the radio. Have a good time.

No, you cant go barefoot until it gets warmer. Hey is for horses. If you write the thank you note now, youll get it over with. Just hold your nose and you cant taste the cough syrup at all. Let me kiss it and make it better.

[your first name] [your middle name] [your last name] [many !!!!s] = Uh oh. Youre in trouble!

Carrots are good for your eyes. But Popeye eats all his spinach!

Here comes the airplane/train (actually, a spoon with a fetid object upon it)!

Eat all your dinner or no dessert. You COME when I call YOU, you HEAR???!!! Go to your room and dont come out until I say so. Im very disappointed in you.

I cant believe you lost it. Youd lose your head if it wasnt screwed on tight.

No, because if we get a puppy then ILL end up walking and bathing and feeding it. Kootchie coo! Mind the babysitter. Well be back soon! Love you! Be good! Electrical sockets are not for baby. Thats just for looks. Dont put that UGH!!!! in your MOUTH! Who squirted toothpaste all over the rug? Im going to count to three…

Cut it out! I swear you kids are going to drive me crazy one day. Thats what youre doing, isnt it? Trying to drive me crazy!

Its bea–YOO-tiful! Show Daddy! (a crayon artwork masterpiece was displayed proudly)

No, you did not wash your hands. Nevermind how I know. Now, go wash your hands. USE SOAP!

NO. If all your friends jumped off the Eiffel Tower, would you jump too?

God made you WITHOUT holes in your ears/a picture of Ozzy Osbourne on your arm and until you are 18, you will not have holes in your ears/a man spitting a bats head out of his mouth on your arm.

What is that awful racket!? (Metallica being played.)

So, is this your hero or something? (Pointing to picture of Duran Duran with friends present)

(The wash-your-face-with-spit routine. Oh, MAAAA!)

Sit up straight.

I dont care what the other kids are wearing. No child of mine is going to wear his pants backwards/a hat inside a house/ a nose ring/ a rattail/ an X shirt/ his shoelaces untied/ underwear on the outside of her clothing/ a mini skirt..

What is it, Halloween? Eat your beets. Of course youre going to church. You can do much better than Cs, God gave you a good brain. Stop slouching.

If you read in the dark, youll hurt your eyes. (Untrue, but if you read a lot, you will probably be myopic! Illiterates rarely have myopia.)

Dont slam the door. Come back here and close it nicely. Do you know what happened to all the cookies? Dont sit so close to the TV, youll ruin your eyes! I dont know how you can read/watch that trash. In my day, we walked uphill ten miles to school in the snow, BOTH WAYS! A little hard work never killed anybody. Rise and shine! The early bird catches the worm! The other children arent laughing AT you, they are laughing WITH you! You tell that bully to leave you alone or youll tell the teacher on him! If the teacher ever calls home again, Ill kill ya! Go to your thinking spot and think about what you did for ten minutes. (Uses embarrassing nickname in front of your friends.) Ill tuck you in in just a second. Stop running in the house! Did I raise you kids in a barn? Look at this mess! Pick up your room, youd think a little pig lived here.

Kiss Auntie Bertha, she loves you. (Auntie Bertha smells and drools and doesnt know you exist.)

Hang up your clothes! Your father is a busy man. Take out the trash. What on earth do you need $30 to go to the Mall for?? Dont get lost! Look both ways before crossing the street. Watch your little brother for me while I go to the store. Say Youre sorry. Put it back. Put that down. Hold the baby/kitty like THIS, not by its leg/tail. Come here. Come here. Come here. I wont tell you again! – good! When I was a kid seeing a movie cost only 5 cents. Remember, if you tell daddy, Ill have to kill you. Whats for dinner? – Its a surprise! Why didnt you go before we got in the car? I dont care what your friend has, you arent getting one! No, and thats final! One more word out of you kids and therell be trouble. Who taught you to sit/walk/talk like that!!!! Cut it out right this minute. I have eyes in the back of my head, thats how. Stop bugging your little sister. What do you say? Whats the magic word? Say excuse me.

Eat your peas. There are children starving in Bosnia/China/Ethiopia/Russia/India/parts of our great country (USA)

Half begun is half done. Dont lie to me young man/lady!

Why dont you watch something educational for a change. Like Public Broadcasting on TV! Mel Torme is on tonight.

What do you mean Elvis isnt cool? He was cool when I was a kid! Does that mean that hula hoops arent cool anymore either?

Go scrub that paint off your face this instant.

No daughter of mine is going to shave her legs until shes at least thirteen!(Moral: dont ask!)

That bathing suits too skimpy, hon. Try this one. Purples not your color, you look sallow.

Now son, parkas will never go out of style. See, it matched your wide wale corduroy trousers with the flares I got you last week!

Cut your hair! You look like a hippie. No son of mine is going to walk around looking like a Yeti.

Stand up straight and stop slouching. A little bit of hard work never hurt anyone. Save a lot, spend a little. Dont run with that. Youll poke your eye out. We worried sick! What will the neighbours think? What did you DO until 4 AM? Is having a good time all you think about? Youre no child of mine!!! Well…What seems to be the problem with you? Im really worried about your grades! I give you a simple job to do,and you cant even do it! There are lots of boys who would love to change places with you! Where did we go wrong? keep doing that and youll go blind! Still Crying? Whack!!! The spanking will continue until YOU STOP CRYING! Depressed for no reason? Ill give you a reason to be depressed! Youre going to enjoy this holiday if I have to break every bone in your body! Im God Almighty as far as youre concerned! (I.e. do what I say!) Nothing if you do, HELL if you dont. This is the worst looking pig stye I have ever seen! Bill, er John, er..David..uh.. whats your name, get over here! Do you know how many HOURS I was in labour with you??? I slave for hours over a hot stove and this is the thanks I get?! Eat it and dont argue, its good for you.

Whatever doesnt kill you will just make you stronger. Variation: Shovelling snow/mowing the lawn/(any other back-breaking labour) builds character!

Do you have to do that? (regarding most tom-boyish activities) Are you really going to wear that? I thought these shoes were ugly, so I knew youd like them. Honestly, sometimes I think you need Garanimals tags on your clothes. Youre so stubborn, youd argue with the Pope.

When its cold outside, dont stick your tongue to metal (Id *never* thought of it before…but I was thinking of it now!!!)

Its always fun until somebody gets hurt. You kid, whatever your name is!

The difference between think and know is, he thinks hes your father, I know Im your mother.

Some day I will throw this ridiculous machine (my computer) out of window. Turn the music off! I SAID TURN THE MUSIC OFF! I hate computers. Stop it or I will give you away to the next band of gypsies that come by. You did WHAT! Go tell your father he wants you now.

[in response to the I dont want to wash my hands….] Okay, only wash one of them

[In response to where is my….? type questions] the uterus is not a homing device.

Therell be tears before bedtime! Youll have your eye out with that! When you grow up, I hope you have two, JUST LIKE YOU!!! Are you sure youre telling the truth? Think hard. Does it make you happy to know youre sending me to an early grave? You feel bad? How do you think I feel? Arent you ashamed of yourself? Dont you know any better? Why did the kitty get run over? It was Gods will. How could you be so stupid? If thats the worst pain youll ever feel, you should be thankful. You cant fool me. I know what youre thinking. If you cant say anything nice, say nothing at all. When are you going to grow up? Im only doing this for your own good. Why are you crying? Stop crying or Ill give you something to cry about. Whats wrong with you? Someday youll thank me for this. Youd lose your head if it werent attached. Dont you have any sense at all? If you keep sucking your thumb, itll fall off. Why? Because I said so. I hope you have a kid just like yourself. Good children always obey. Are you lying, or are you just stupid? Quit acting so childish. Boys dont cry. [as I break into a Cure tune…] If you keep making faces, someday itll freeze that way. Why do you have to know so much? This hurts me more than it hurts you. Why? Because Im bigger than you. [variation: Because Im the Dad/Mom.] Well, youve ruined everything. Now are you happy? Oh, grow up. Im only doing this because I love you. In my day we didnt have money to throw around.

We were so poor my sister and I had to share a pair of shoes to get to school, and half way there we traded so we could hop on the other foot.

Does it look like Im made of money? Money doesnt grow on trees you know.

You better pull that bottom lip in,, a pigeons gonna fly over and poop all over it, its hanging out so far.

If you wouldnt put your hand in the way when I spank you, you wouldnt get it hit with the belt.

Thats not music; thats just NOISE! Shut your mouth and eat. (Huh??)

(Attributed to John Lennons Mother): The guitar is all very well, John, but youll never make a living out of it.

Because you are taller than me. I dont care if the POPE is doing it/going there! Youre not!

A Tennessee man and an Alabama man were both fighting in a war and were captured by the enemy.
"Before we put you to death," said the enemy, "do you have any last requests?"
"Yes," said the Alabaman. "Could you play Yeah, Alabama before you shoot me?"
"Sure," said the enemy. "How about you, Tennessean?"
"Could you shoot me before you play Yeah, Alabama?"

You prefer the Sears catolog to Charmin.

Your blood alcohol content has ever exceeded your I.Q.

You think deer hunting should be an olympic sport.

Q: How many sales directors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: (pause) I get it! This is one of those lightbulb jokes, right?

A pirate walked into a bar with a steering wheel coming out of his fly. As he walks up to the bar the bartender says, Hey pal, you know youve got a steering wheel coming out of your fly?

And the pirate says R its driving me nuts!

One Day The President was out jogging without his guards.

All of a sudden a man with a ski mask jumped out from behind some bushes with a gun.

The masked man said Give me all your money!

Unwilling to do so, the President said, You cant do this, Im the President! The man then replied,…


Oh, never mind then. Give me MY money!

A man goes to visit the grave of his mother, puts a beautiful bouquet at the headstone and gets up, to leave when he notices another man crying his heart out, lying on one of the graves in such a way, that he breaks the other mans heart.



The sobbing goes on and on and he hears the other say:

– Oh why? Why did you have to die!? Why did you go?

And then he breaks down sobbing again, hitting his head over the headstone, still crying:

-Oh why did you die!? Why did you go so soon?



Intringued, the other guy goes to him and says:

Im so sorry for your loss, is there anything I can do for you?

Who is the person you are crying over so desperately, he asks, in compassion?



Thats my wifes third husband, comes the reply, between sobs.

Im number four…..