Old and New Jokes

Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Tiddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Tiddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could, Im afraid Tiddles is dead, Lucy.

So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy? asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.

At a loss for something to say the father replied, Tiddles legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Tiddles up to heaven.

Little Lucy seemed to take her Tiddles death quite well.

However two days later when her father came home from work Lucy had tears in her eyes and said, Mommy almost died this morning.

Fearing something terrible had happen, the father shook the girl and shouted, How do you mean, Lucy? Tell Daddy!

Well, mumbled Lucy, Soon after you left for work this morning I saw Mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, Oh Jesus!!! Im coming!! and if it hadnt been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy.

Dear Dr. Verne:

Im gonna be gittin a tattoo removed from my most womanly bod. Being of the good redneck breeding that Im is, Is worried about affectin my good standing. I can offer you no better reason than my old man dont like me having my ex-old mans name writ on me, so Ims getting rid of it.

Verne, please tell me straight: Am I getting woosified? Or should I replace the tattoo with his name?

– Worried in Des Moines

Dear Worried:

It all depends on which kinda tattoo you got. Now if you got the exs name with the old rose on the ankle or the heart on the boob, Id lose the damn thing. Ever since them sorority chicks named Tiffany started doing it, guys might figure yous an inferior yuppie babe which talks in that high chipmunk voice and youll never get to growing your butt out to a decent size.

But if you got one of them giant serpents that covers your back, thats class. Id keep that baby and just cross out the exs name with some spray paint and write the new guy in.

Now to take what you call your precautionary measures, Id probably get your future tattoos with more commoner names, like Bob or John. If you aint shacked up with no guy named Bob or John now, chances are yous gonna be in the future. This is what business guys call your strategic planning.

But say you happen to be a man who got this same problem. Good tattoos for guys is the old Semper Fi, the anchor, MOM, skull-and-crossbones or the phone number of your bail bondsman across your knuckles.

Stuff that aint manly, and could damn well be classified as candy-assed, is the Superman logo, frat boy initials, cartoon guys, insects like butterflies that dont even bite nothing, and that damned barbed wire, which is usually weared by guys who bought their pipes at the fruity health club, instead of lifting railroad ties and eating meat.

Now if yous a guy who tattooed Cindy on his chest, but the new old lady Rhonda aint cooking no more pot pies till you get her fixed, Id just pour gas on your chest and light her up with an arc welder. Girly guys might get some of what doctors call your discomfort, which is French for Holy $#%^ that hurts! But at least youll be getting clean space to get a dragon that looks just like Rhonda. Plus you could tell chicks in bars you got them scars saving babies from burning apartments.

Chicks always go for guys who got burned up saving babies.

Dr Verne.

Q: How do you spell onomatopoeia?

A: The way it sounds.

Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, Vietnam, 1969. The other points his thumb behind him and says, Dog crap, 20 feet back.

You might be a redneck if your mother has ammo on her Christmas list!

Una mañana, una rubia encantadora llama a su novio muy alterada:

Tienes que venir a ayudarme. ¡Tengo un rompecabezas y no soy capaz ni de empezar!

¿Qué clase de rompecabezas?

Según la foto de la caja, es un tigre.

Como a él se le dan muy bien los rompecabezas, decide pasarse a echarle una mano. Entra y se acerca a la mesa donde están todas las piezas dispersas, al lado de la caja. Mira las piezas, luego la caja y se vuelve hacia ella:

Bueno, para empezar, lo siento mucho, pero no veo cómo unir estas piezas para formar el tigre. Y segundo, te aconsejo que te relajes, te tomes un café y después metas las Zucaritas de Kellogs en su caja…

Two guys were out hunting and they got lost.



The first guy says to the second guy, What do you think we should do?





The second guy says, Lets fire three shots into the air. Its the international distress code.





They fire three shots into the air, wait an hour, and nobody comes. The first guy says to the second guy, What do you think we should do now?





The second guy says, Lets fire three more shots into the air.





They fire three more shots into the air, wait an hour, and nobody comes. The first guy says, What do you think we should do now?





The second guy says, Lets fire three more shots into the air.





The first guy says, Well I sure hope someone comes soon, these are my last three arrows!.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

BEER: Its not just for breakfast anymore.

So youre a feminist…Isnt that cute.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

All men are idiots….I married their king.

IRS: Weve got what it takes to take what youve got.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Reality is a crutch for people who cant handle drugs.

Out of my mind…Back in five minutes.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Copied from the Houston Chronicle:

Language changes to reflect cultural shifts. And in this period of skill shortages, flexible work arrangements and global business deals, new workplace jargon was bound to pop up. So youre not caught off-guard at the next corporate luncheon when someone refers their employee as a job vacuum or border crosser, heres a handy reference guide courtesy of Challenger, Gray & Christmas, the Chicago outplacement firm.

Job vacuums:
Employees who voluntarily sweep up extra duties; show strong work ethic.
Border Crossers:
Multi-skilled employees who feel comfortable jumping from job to job inside a firm.
Soft benefits:
Nonmonetary enhancements.
People churner:
A bad boss who often is blamed when a company cant retain its key employees.
Protected class:
Rank and file employees with critical job skills.
Boomerang workers:
Retirees returning to their previous employer.
Toxic:
Worker with anti-management reputation who is often litigious.

A squirrel is chillin in a tree when a cow climbs up and sits next to him.
Whatcha doin here? asks the squirrel.
Im here to eat some apples.
But this is a pine tree!
I know. I brought my own apples.