Old and New Jokes

what did the dad volcono say to the mom volcano

Your mama is so fat, people use her butt cheeks as a ski slope.

Lesson Number One

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?

The crow answered: Sure, why not.

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story is: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up

Lesson Number Two

A turkey was chatting with a bull. I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree, sighed the turkey, but I havent got the energy.

Well, why dont you nibble on some of my droppings? replied the bull. Theyre packed with nutrients.

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there be was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it wont keep you there.

Lesson Number Three

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field.

While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!

The morals of this story are:

Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
And when youre in deep shit, keep your mouth shut.

In summary

An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels, some climbing up, some fooling around and some simply just idling.

The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

A young boy had just got his drivers permit and inquired of his father, an evangelist, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to the study and said to the boy, Ill make a deal with you, son. You bring your grades up from a C to a B-average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut and well talk about the car.

Well, the boy thought about that for a moment and decided that hed best settle for the offer, and they agreed. After about six weeks the boy came back and again asked his father about the car.

Again, they went to the study where his father said, Son, Ive been real proud of you. Youve brought your grades up, and Ive observed that youve been studying your Bible and participating a lot more in the Bible study class on Sunday morning. But Im real disappointed since you havent got your hair cut.

The young man paused a moment and then said, You know dad, Ive been thinking about that and Ive noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, and theres even strong argument that Jesus himself had long hair.

To which his father replied, Youre right, son. Did you also notice that they all WALKED everywhere they went?

THE DOCTOR because he says Take your clothes off.

THE DENTIST because he says Open wide.

THE HAIR DRESSER because he says Do you want them teased or blown?

THE MILKMAN because he says Do you want it in the back or in the front?

THE INTERIOR DECORATOR because he says Once its in youll love it.

THE BANKER because he says If you take it out too soon, youll lose interest.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Lucerne!
Lucerne who?
Lucerne some maths today!

Three men walk into a bar,

You think one or them would have seen it!

How can you tell if your girlfriends frigid?

When you open her legs, the lights go on.

Three couples (friends) travel together to a resort hotel, only to find that their reservations have been screwed up and they all have to stay in one room.

There are 2 king-sized beds and it is decided that the men will all sleep in one, and the women in the other.

In the middle of the night, the guy in the middle wakes up and says to the man next to him, Let me out, I have GOT to get to my wife! I have the biggest hard-on I have ever had and Ive got to get to her NOW!

The other guy says, O.K. Do you want me to come with you?

What the hell for? asks the other.

Because thats MY dick youre holding! he says.

One morning a son got up and was leaving the house with a hand full of chicken wire.

His father said, Son, where are you going?. The son replied, Im going to catch me some chickens.



The father said, Son, you cant catch chickens with chicken wire. But the son insisted that he knew what he was doing. Later on that day, the son came home with two chickens in his hand.



The father thought, I guess he knows what hes doing.



The next morning the son got up with some duck tape.



The father said, Son, where you going?.



The son replied, Im going to catch some ducks.



The father yelled, YOU CANT CATCH DUCKS WITH DUCK TAPE.



The son insisted that he knew what he was doing. Later on that day the son came home with two ducks under each arm.



The father thought, Damn, I guess he does know what hes doing!



The next morning the son got up with a hand full of pussywillows. The father said, hold up son, let me put on my shoes.!!