If a bra is an upper topper titty flopper stopper.
And a jock strap is a lower decker pecker checker.
And a roll of toilet tissue is a super duper doody pooper scooper.
What do you call a Japanese drummer boy whose father has diarrhea?
Answer: A slap happy Jappy with a crap happy pappy.
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.The teacher then announced, Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldnt hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!The room suddenly got quiet.Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. Yes? replied the teacher.Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?
You have to hitch hike to the bank to make your car payment.
The little league puts you on waivers.
Your suggestion box starts ticking.
Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DA is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.
You see your stockbroker hitchhiking out of town.
The moths in your money belt starve to death.
People send your wife sympathy cards on your anniversary.
Your wife starts charging you rent.
A black cat crosses you path and drops dead.
You see your wife and your girlfriend having lunch together.
The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.
Your pacemaker has only a thirty day guarantee.
The pest exterminator crawls under your house and never comes out.
A copy of your birth certificate comes in the mail marked null and void.
The department of biological warfare ask for your stew recipe.
Your childrens school calls to surrender.
You cant afford to drive your new car.
It takes you three hours to make minute rice.
Youre so bored you play hide & seek alone.
The fortune teller charges you half price.
People give you the senior citizen discount and youre only 37.
Your wife takes the dog on vacation and leaves you at the kennels.
You find a note on the table instead of supper.
Your wife tapes your picture to the dart board.
The bribes family throws rocks instead of rice.
Your wife is sitting on the stove holding a picket sign.
Your wife wraps your lunch in a road map.
Your plants do better when you dont talk to them.
The house is messy again before you can finish cleaning.
Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hells Angels motorcyclists.
Youve been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open.
Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.
You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.
Everyone avoids you the mor
How come they dont let the little black kids play in the sandbox?
Cause the kittys keep trying to bury them.
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Heifer!
Heifer who?
Heifer cow is better than none!
Theres a brunette walking down a set of railroad tracks saying,21, 21, 21…
Then a blonde pulls up, gets out of her car, and says,What are you doing?
The brunette replies,Just counting.
The blonde says,May I join you?
Yes, replies the brunette. So the blonde and the brunette are now both walking down the railroad tracks saying,21, 21, 21…
A train comes and the brunette jumps off the tracks as the blonde gets hit. After the train passes, the brunette gets back on the tracks and says,22, 22, 22…
One day grandpa says to grandma Why dont we go to the motel like we used to do when we were young and get kinky?
So they get to the motel and go into the room.
Grandpa takes off his glasses and says he going to get into the shower to freshen up.
In the meantime grandma takes off her clothes and gets into bed.
She decides to do some leg stretches to limber up ( its been awhile ).
Well she throws her legs over her head and they get caught in the headboard.
Right then grandpa walks out of the bathroom and sees her that way.
My God woman he says you need to put your teeth in and comb your hair, you look like an asshole!
Son dos compadres granjeros, y a uno de ellos le iba muy bien con la producción de huevos. Un dia el compadre al que no le iba nada bien le dice a su compadre que le dé el secreto para que sus gallinas den muchos huevos. El compadre le dice que es muy fácil, que a cada gallina le ponga un huevo de plomo y que con eso se soluciona el problema.
Sale el granjero a la ciudad a buscar los famosos huevos de plomo. Después de buscar durante todo el dÃa los huevos de plomo sin encontrarlos el granjero dice ¡Este es el último lugar en el que pregunto! Si no hay, me voy.
En eso fuera de la ferreterÃa está un viejito sentado y el granjero, ya cansado, desde su camioneta le grita, Ey, disculpe señor ¿tiene huevos de plomo?
El señor, disgustado, se empieza a levantar lentamente y le responde, ¡Lo que tengo son reumas, hijo de la chingada!
Now I lay me down to sleep. Please dont send me no more creeps. Please just send me one good man. One without a wedding band.
One good man whos sweet as pie. Who brushed his teeth and doesnt lie. Who dresses neat and doesnt smell. And is sexy like my man Denzel. Is super-rich like Michael J. On second thought, thats okay.
Man, if I should die before I wake, That would truly take the cake; No matrimony or honeymoon. No fancy reception planned for June. No throwing of the wedding bouquet. Please, God, dont let me go out that way.
If I die before I meet Mr. Right I wont go out without a fight. But then again with my luck, Hed probably be just some schmuck.
The single life is not that bad I know its just a passing fad. I wont be blue. I will not frown. Besides, I like my toilet seat down. No more makeup, wont comb my hair. So never mind this stupid prayer.
The corner shop baker was a true artist when it came to making birthday cakes. One customer asked him can you make a birthday cake for my wife, shes an optician? He agreed and produced a birthday cake in the perfect detail of a winking eye.
His next customer said can you make a birthday cake for my husband, hes a dentist. He agreed and produced a cake in the shape of an open mouth, including the teeth and tongue.
At that moment another customer began to leave his shop, when the baker asked can I help you? The lady turned and saidno, I dont think so,its my husband birthday today, but hes a gynaecologist.