I think of you as a sister.
(Youre ugly.)
Theres a slight difference in our ages.
(Youre ugly.)
Im not attracted to you in that way.
(Youre ugly.)
My life is too complicated right now.
(Youre ugly.)
Ive got a girlfriend.
(Youre ugly.)
I dont date women where I work.
(Youre ugly.)
Its not you, its me.
(Youre ugly.)
Im concentrating on my career.
(Youre ugly.)
Im celibate.
(Youre ugly.)
… and the number 1 rejection line given by men
Lets be friends.
(Youre sinfully ugly.)
It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl.
After a year she went into the hospital to give birth.
The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow. This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?
He answered, Youve got to keep that old motor running.
The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said, You really are amazing. How do you do it?
He again said, Youve got to keep the old motor running.
The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said, You must be quite a man.
He responded, Youve got to keep that old motor running.
The nurse then said, Well, you had better change the oil, this ones black!
Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven.
The gatekeeper at the gate to heaven says, There are too many people in heaven so you have to pass this quiz to get in.
Forrest Gump says, Okay.
The gatekeeper says, First question: What two days of the week begin with T?
Gump replies, Thats easy. Today and tommorrow.
The gatekeeper says, Well, I didnt think of that so Ill give it to you.
Second question: How many seconds are in a year?
Gump says, 12, January 2nd, February 2nd…
The gatekeeper says, That wasnt what I was thinking, but Ill give it to you.
Last question: What is Gods first name?
Gump replies, Howard.
The gatekeeper says, How on earth did you get Howard?
Gump says, Its common sense. Our father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name.
YOUR DELETE KEY
Thank you for using the Delete Key. The Delete Key is an amazing new technology available to all computer users. It is simple, effective, and very user-friendly. If this is your first time using the Delete Key, we urge you to read the entire contents of this manual. Please do not delete this manual. This may cause you to use the delete key in a reckless or insufficient manner.
INTRODUCTION
The Delete Key provides a keyboard based, fully manual method for the removal of information. Furthermore, use of the Delete Key in conjunction with the small amount of brain matter you have left may induce a tingling sensation of pleasure.
Failure to use the Delete Key may result in aggravation, humiliation, and knee-jerk reactionism. This manual will help you locate and implement a full Delete Key pressing method to ensure your peace of mind remains unaltered.
LOCATING THE DELETE KEY
Lift your hands off the key board.
Scan the keys for a key labeled Delete
Make note of this location as it will come in handy later.
USING THE DELETE KEY
Locate something on your computer you wish to delete. Files, text, e-mail messages, and vital operating system components are all delete-enabled items.
Select the item using your mouse or other selection device.
Lift you hands off the keyboard and using one of you fingers, depress the key labeled Delete.
The offending material has now been removed from your sight.
WARNING
Some systems may require confirmation of your Delete- based system. If this is the case, make sure to agree to the deletion. Otherwise you may become reburdened with the offensive or unwanted material.
WHAT SHOULD I DELETE
Anything that might bring you unhappiness. In this New Economy, semi-lucid hyper-cyber-superhighway world, you need the unending power of a Delete key. Not only is is easy to implement, it offers tremendous Return On Investment (ROI). Consider this scenario:
Helga Gumpwetter has three text files. In the first file are instructions for making a nuclear bomb. The other two contain funny jokes about pumpkins. Because Helga deleted the nuclear bomb message and read the pumpkin jokes, she lacked the ability to nuke her ex-boyfriend, thus saving all of King County Washington. Talk about some serious ROI!
(Written by Al Girard)
A lady goes to the doctor to see about getting a facelift. Well, says the doctor, I can do the facelift, and then youll have to come back in six months for a follow-up.
Oh, no. the woman replies. I want it all done in one shot. I dont wan to have to come back.
The doctor thinks for a second, then offers, There is a new procedure where we put a screw in the top of your head. Then anytime you see wrinkles appearing, you just give it a little turn, which pulls the skin up, and they disappear.
Thats what I want! exclaims the lady. Lets do that.
Six months later the lady charges into the doctors office. Well, hows the procedure holding up? the doctor asks.
Terrible! the lady bellows. Its the worst mistake Ive ever made.
Whats wrong? asks the doctor.
Just look at these bags under my eyes! she hollers.
Lady, the doctor retorts, those arent bags, those are your breasts. And if you dont leave that screw alone, youre going to have a beard!
Dos locas conversan. Dice la una:
Por la mañana voy a la iglesia a rezar maitines. Después de desayunarme, rezo el rosario. A las doce voy a la capilla a rezar el ángelus, después de comer rezo el Ave MarÃa. A las seis voy a misa, me confieso y comulgo. Después de oÃr misa escucho la novena. Antes de acostarme rezo el rosario y una vez acostada rezo tres avemarÃas y cinco padrenuestros. Todo esto lo hago porque pienso que el alma es para el Cielo.
¿Y el cuerpo, qué?, pregunta la otra mariquita.
Al cuerpo que le den por culo, que para eso está.
The Geography of a Woman
————————
Between the ages of 18 – 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.
Between the ages of 21 – 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.
Between the ages of 30 – 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.
Between the ages of 35 – 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between the ages of 40 – 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between the ages of 50 – 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.
Between the ages of 60 – 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future (a bit like Tony Blair, maybe Blairs a women really).
After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
The Geography of a Man
————————
Between the ages of 15 – 70 a man is like Zimbabwe – ruled by a dick.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There might be a law against it by that time.
How many skunks does it take to stink up a room?
A phew.
These are NOT made up. These are the actual titles of Country Songs…
1. Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In Bed
2. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth Cause Im Kissing You Goodbye
3. How Can I Miss You If You Wont Go Away?
4. I Cant Get Over You, So Why Dont You Get Under Me?
5. I Dont Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
6. I Got In At 2 With a 10, And Woke Up At 10 With a 2
7. I Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except For Mine
8. I Keep Forgettin I Forgot About You
9. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
10. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aims Gettin Better
11. I Wouldnt Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause Im Afraid Shed Win
12. Ill Marry You Tomorrow But Lets Honeymoon Tonite
13. Im So Miserable Without You, Its Like Having You Here
14. Ive Got Tears in My Ears From Lying On My Back Crying my eyes out over you
15. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, Id Be Out By Now
16. Mama Get A Hammer (Theres A Fly On Papas Head)
17. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Dont Love Jesus
18. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him
19. Please Bypass this Heart
20. She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger
21. Youre The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly