Old and New Jokes

Well this will probably fill my mail box with flames but well the title warns you…

Q: Did you know why they havent found a cure for AIDS yet?

A: They cant get the mice to butt fuck.

What do you call an eternity?

Four blondes in four cars at a four way stop.

Why do blondes have TGIF written on their shoes?

Toes Go In First

Three blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for four hours, they saw a sign that said Disneyland left. So they turned around and went home.

What do smart blondes and UFOs have in common?

You always hear about them but never see them.

What did the blonde say when she opened a box of Cheerios?

Oh,look, Daddy….doughnut seeds!

Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?

Because it said concentrate.

Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?

They think their picture is being taken.

How can you tell when a blonde sends you a fax?

It has a stamp on it.

Why cant blondes dial 911?

They cant find the 11 on the phone.

What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?

Run, shes got a grenade in her mouth!

How can you tell if a blondes been using your computer?

There is white-out all over the monitor.

Why shouldnt blondes have coffee breaks?

It takes too long to retrain them.

A blonde and a brunnette were walking outside when the brunnette said,Oh, look at the dead bird. The blonde looked skyward and said, Where? Where?

How do you drown a blonde?

Put a scratch and sniff sticker on the bottom of a pool.

Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman than a regular one?

You have to hollow out the head.

How do you get a twinkle in a blondes eye?

Shine a flashlight in her ear.

Hear about the blonde who got an AM radio?

Took her a month to figure out she could play it at night.

What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey team?

They drowned during spring training.

What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?

Duh! Look! They spelled Macys wrong!

How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?

Tell her a joke on Tuesday.

Why are blondes boobs always square?

Because they forget to take the kleenex out of the box.

Its no wonder President Clinton is in so much trouble, according to Executive Mystic Barrie Dolnick. Just look at Bills astrological chart. Dolnick insists that a career crisis is in the stars, and predicts a slight possibility of impeachment. Fortunately, says Dolnick, Clinton can ward off these negative influences by smudging his office with sage after hours, sprinkling sea salt along the doorway, and wearing red or silk undershirts for his protection…

Or he could try a more drastic approach: a Honduran man castrated himself with a machete because he was frustrated that his wife refused to have sex with him. The Heraldo Daily said Juan Varels cut off both his testicles and put them on a table. After careful consideration, Varels grabbed them and went to a health center to have them reattached…

On a sad note, the Psychic Friends Network filed bankruptcy in Baltimore this week. According to court documents, the companys revenues have plummeted to $25 million a year… appparently they didnt see this coming…

In other news…

Alberto J. Vasquez did pretty well when donned a mask and robbed a Dunkin Doughnuts last week. He and a friend made off with over $1400. But he did some dumb stuff too. Alberto used to work at this same Dunkin Doughnuts, and an employee thought he recognized Albertos voice during the robbery. He was even more certain when Albertos accomplice called him by his nickname A.J. Police then followed a trail of coins and footprints leading directly to his apartment building, two doors down from the shop… you have the right to remain stupid…

From Bizarre News – www.bizarrenews.com

Show up totally smashed. Be as obnoxious and unruly as possible.

When the priest says his little If anyone know any reason… ditty, say, Look at him! Look at her! These people should not reproduce! or rattle off every mean, nasty thing the ex ever did to you, including that time when he went to see Jesus Christ Superstar with his mother on the night of your anniversary.

Send hookers. Laugh incessantly during the ceremony, for no apparent reason. Trip the bride on the way up. Wrestling, anyone? Two words: bomb threat.

Have a nice heart-to-heart with the mother of the bride (or groom). What you say is up to you, and the more horrid the better.

Pretend youve been seeing the groom secretly. Claim youve had his love child and he looks just like him.

Say youve had an affair with the bride if youre female, and the groom if youre male.

Make a big production about how this is all killing you. Laugh at anyone who takes you seriously.

Silly string! or, better yet…indoor frog baseball! White Wedding mysteriously piped into the church speaker system Maple syrup balloons. Or condoms. Cold oatmeal instead of rice or au gratin potatoes. Rigging the pulpit with firecrackers and other assorted pyrotechnics. Invitations sent to a really nasty biker gang. Sneaking into the grooms underwear stash and rubbing everything with hot peppers. Drug the priest. Theatrical knives and stage blood. Fun. Flat tires.

Ever see that scene in The Parent Trap where the girls cut out the whole back of this other girls dress?

Use stage makeup to make yourself look *really* pale, and paint two little wound-marks on your neck. Act like a vampire.

Show up with a baby and claim it belongs to the newlyweds. Cover yourself with glue to improve your chances of catching the bouquet. Offer to show people pictures of the bride having sex with a dog. Tell people that you knew the bride before the sex-change operation.

Tell the bride that the only reason that you can look at her is because you used to be a proctologist.

Instead of a standard gift, give the newlyweds a gift certificate to a drug rehabilitation clinic.

As you move down on the receiving line, spit on each person. Ask the brides mother to give you oral sex. Give the bride some Binaca, and tell her it kills the taste of sperm. Propose a toast to the brides nose job. Steal the cards from the wedding gifts so nobody knows who they came from. Walk up to various guests and demand to see their invitations.

After the bride throws her garter, start people chanting, Throw your bra…Throw your bra…

Tell people that the groom had to be given Quaaludes to keep him from backing out.

Tell the rabbi theres no money to pay him, and ask if hell settle for shtupping the bride.

Assure the brides mother that the groom is Hung like a horse. Return a bra which the bride left in your car.

If theres a hunchback at the Jewish wedding, tell him that he has to wear a yarmulke on his head and another on his hump.

When the bride is coming down the aisle, push the organist out of the way and start playing The Lady is a Tramp.

This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless, to say the helpdesk employee was fired: however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for Termination without Cause.

Actual dialog of a former WordPerfect Customer Support Employee: Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you? Yes, well, Im having trouble with WordPerfect.

What sort of trouble? Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.

Went away? They disappeared.

Hmm. So what does your screen look like now? Nothing.

Nothing? Its blank; it wont accept anything when I type.

Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out? How do I tell?

Can you see the c:prompt on the screen? Whats a sea-prompt?

Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen? There isnt any cursor: I told you, it wont accept anything I type.

Does your monitor have a power indicator? Whats a monitor?

Its the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when its on? I dont know.

Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that? Yes, I think so.

Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if its plugged into the wall. Yes, it is.

When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one? No.

Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable. Okay, here it is.

Follow it for me, and tell me if its plugged securely into the back of your computer. I cant reach.

Uh huh. Well can you see if it is? No

Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over? Oh, its not because I dont have the right angle-its because its dark.

Dark? Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.

Well, turn on the office light then. I cant.

No? Why not? Because theres a power outage.

A power….A power outage? Aha! Okay, weve got it licked now. Do you still have the box and manuals and packing stuff you computer came in? Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.

Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.

Really? Is it that bad? Yes, Im afraid it is. Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them? Tell them youre too stupid to own a computer!

Bloody Stump by: Rusty Zipper

Sliding Down a Flagpole by: Dick Burns

Brown Spots on the Wall By: Whoflung Dung

If Men Were to Rewrite The Rules

Rule # 1 Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

Rule # 2 If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.

Rule # 3 It is in neither your best interest nor ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.

Estaba un viejito en la alcoba cuando se le para el pito y le grita a su mujer, Vieja, vieeeejjjjaaa, apúrate que se me paró.

En eso sube corriendo la pobre mujer y cuando llega ya se le bajó al viejito.

Otro día el viejito estaba en el baño y pasa lo mismo como 4 veces. Total que la viejita decide andar desnuda por toda la casa para que en el momento que el viejito le grite ella esté preparada.

Pasaron unos dias y la viejita estaba en la cocina preparando de almorzar cuando escucha, Vieja, viejaaaaaaa, y sube a las carreras desnuda como andaba y le dice, Ahora sí papacito, y el viejito le contesta: ¡Se está quemando la casa y tú con tus puterías!

Its always darkest just before the lights go out.

yo mamas so stupid she got hit by a parked car