Old and New Jokes

Persons disagreeing with your facts are always emotional and employ faulty reasoning.

Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?
A: So she could keep the refrigerator cold.

Words can not describe the deep feelings I have for you …
But Bitch comes pretty close.

Yo mama so poor your family has to eat cereal with a fork to save milk!

My wife was filling out the medical claim form to pre-register for her
pregnancy (thank you very much!), and one particular section went like this:

What is the nature of the claim: Pregnancy

Is the claim related to your employment? Yes

What is your job? Homemaker

Q: Whats the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish Mother? A:


Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldnt speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A grandson, who arrived late, came up to Grandma and said, Hi, Grandma, youre looking good! How are they treating you?

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew…They wont let me fart.

Snow White received a camera as a gift. She happily took pictures of the Dwarfs and their surroundings. When she finished her first batch she took the film to be developed. After a week or so she went to get the finished photos. The clerk said the photos were not back from the processor.

Needless to say, she was disappointed and started to cry. The clerk, trying to console her, said,

Dont worry. Someday your prints will come.

Any students out there? Here is some advice for writing your term papers 🙂

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.



2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.



3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate.



4. Stop off at another floor on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasnt started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you his paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of those irritating see-thru plastic folders, drop him.



5. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.



6. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.



7. Check your e-mail; reply to everyone who sent you letters.



8. You know, you havent written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade… Youd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.



9. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.



10. Listen to one side of your favorite tape and thats it, I mean it, as soon as its over you are going to start that paper.



11. Listen to the other side.



12. Check your e-mail again.



13. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order.



14. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if hes started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the university, the world at large.



15. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.



16. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor its special flavor.



17. Check your e-mail to make sure no-one sent you any urgent messages since the last time you checked.



18. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you arent missing something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of the Yukon is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions: Pro Bowlers Tour, any movie starring Don Ameche and Star Trek.



19. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26.



20. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot.



21. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.



22. Look through your roommates book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.



23. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.



24. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious, trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall.



25. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.



26. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the hell of it.



27. Check your e-mail.



28. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.



29. Lie face down on the floor and moan.



30. Leap up and write the paper.



31. Type the paper.

An old Jewish peddler ambled down a street in Tel Aviv carrying two
large watermelons. A tourist stopped him to ask, Where is Ben Yehuda
Street?
The peddler answered, Please hold these two watermelons.
The tourist managed to gather them in his arms, whereupon the peddler
made an expansive gesture with his hands and exclaimed petulantly, How
should I know?