This pirate had a parrot and all it every said was Polly wanna cracker. One day the parrot was sitting on the pirates shoulder and it kept saying Polly wanna cracker, Polly wanna cracker.
The pirate said, This is your warning. If you dont shut up, Im goin to flush you.
The parrot said, Polly wanna cracker, Polly wannna cracker.
The pirate said, Thats you being flushed. So the pirate flushes the parrot and the parrot sings Floating down the river on a Hershey Bar.
Recently, a magazine ran a contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life managers. Here are some of the submissions:As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.)What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)This project is so important, we cant let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! Weve been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and Ill let you know when its time to tell them. (R&D supervisor,
Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldnt edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers)Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say. (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)How About Friday? My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He
then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, That would be better for me. (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees. (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)We recently received a memo from senior management saying: This is to
Get another sweet little old lady to call out BINGO!
From Bob & Tom : With a little help from our friends Q-95 radio Indianapolis:
Jeff Marder asks–Do you think the Pope ever French kisses the ground
of a country he really likes??
One day, a man had an accident at work, which resulted in him getting his eye gouged out. He was rushed to hospital, and, after awaking from an emergency operation, was told by the doctor that hed been given a glass eye. The man looked in the mirror to see the result, and was shocked to see that, whereas his original eye colour was blue, his new glass eye was brown. The man was outraged. I cant walk around like this!!
Sir, the doctor said, there is a severe shortage on blue eyes. We had to give you a brown one. If somehow you can get hold of a blue eye, and bring it here to the hospital, we will happily fit it for you.
A few weeks later, the man was driving home from work late one night during a big storm. Suddenly, the car in front of him lost control and skidded off the road before finally hitting a tree. The man screeched to a halt, and ran down the embankment to see if he could help. He found the driver of the car sprawled out over the wreckage, dead as a doornail…with a blue glass eye! As it was so late at night and during such a big storm, no one was about. So the man proceeded to get a screwdriver and removed one of the deceased mans blue eyes, replacing it with his brown glass eye. He raced down to the local hospital to have the replacement blue eye fitted. A few days later, the man was driving along the same stretch of road when he saw the police examining the crash scene and towing the car wreck away. Concerned to find out if the police were on to him, the man decided to go over to try and see if the police had any leads.
Excuse me, sir, said the policeman.
Do you know anything about this at all?
No, constable, said the man.
Well, we cant figure this out. Somehow, this bloke managed to drive 40 miles with two glass eyes!
A blonde walks into a circuit store. She goes to the back and asks the clerk Can I have this T.V.? He said No. Why not? asked the blonde. Because your a dumb blonde.
She comes back the next day with a new hair color. She again asked the same clerk if she could have that same T.V.. He again said no. When she asked why he responded Because thats not a T.V., that is a microwave.
En el océano Atlántico se encontraban dos barcos en alta mar, uno era un retiro espiritual de sólo monjas y el otro de una despedida de soltero donde lógicamente iban sólo hombres.
De repente el barco de los hombres empieza a incendiarse y todos los tripulantes tienen que saltar al agua. Empezaron a nadar hasta el otro barco y suplicando dijeron a las monjas:
¡Déjennos subir por favor, que nos ahogamos!
Las monjas contestaron, ¡No porque ustedes nos violan!
¡Por favor no nos dejen ahogar dejennos subir!
¡No porque ustedes nos violan!
¡Se lo suplicamos, por favor!
La monja superiora dice, Está bien, pero con la condición de que les cortamos el pene según la profesión que tenga cada uno.
Ellos dijeron que sÃ, que lo que fuera.
Subió el primer hombre y le preguntaron ¿usted que es? Soy arquitecto. Y pum… ¡se lo cortaron con una regla!.
Subió el segundo ¿y usted qué es? Soy peluquero y pum… ¡se lo cortaron con unas tijeras!
Subió el tercero ¿y usted? Soy campesino. ¡Pum! con un machete.
El cuarto era un negro y estaba muerto de la risa y una monja le pregunta, ¿muy feliz porque se lo vamos a cortar?
Y dice el negro, Lo que pasa es que yo soy paletero y a mi me lo tienen que chupar hasta que se me caiga…!
Un tipo de edad madura, era soltero. Un dÃa, sus compañeros de oficina con ánimo de molestarlo le preguntan:
Oiga, ¿qué no le gustan las mujeres?
¡Claro que me gustan! Si no me gustaran ya me habrÃa casado, responde ofendido.
Eran las tres de la mañana, cuando un borracho llega hasta la puerta de su casa. Haciendo gran escándalo este despierta a su mujer que desde el segundo piso se da cuenta que el borracho (su esposo) no podáa entrar.
En eso la mujer le dice al borracho:
Mi amor, aquà te van las llaves.
Y el borracho le contesta:
Mejor tÃrame el hoyo, que es el que no encuentro.
Whats the difference between a polythene bag and Michael Jackson?
A: One is made of plastic and dangerous to
children,the other is used to carry your
shopping home!