An Englishman was recently asked about the differences between
English and American people.
He said there were three:
1. We speak English and you dont.
2. When we hold a World Championship for a particular sport, we invite teams from other countries.
3. When you meet the Head of State in England, you only have to go down on one knee.
There once was a man who could not keep it going with his wife.
He went to the doctor who gave him some sex pills. There was a label on the bottle that said Take one pill for a great night. The man thought that he wanted a stupendous night so he downed the whole bottle.
In the morning the neighbors came over to find the mans son sitting on the porch crying.
Whats wrong? they said. The boy replied, Moms dead, sisters pregnant, my butt hurts and dads in the basement yelling here kitty
One night a man walked into a bar and saw a beautiful women sitting at the bar. He walked up to her and asked how much is it for a hand job?
The women replied $500 dollars sir
$500 dollars! That’s a lot of money are you any good?
Well sir you see that car out there?
The women pointed to a sleek black Dodge Viper.
Yes, said the man.
Well, I paid for that car with all the money I made doing hand jobs, with that statement the man agreed to the service.
The next night the same man walked into the same bar and went up to the same beautiful women and asked Miss, do you do blow jobs?
“Why yes I do, it costs $80
$80 Wow!, are they any good because that’s a lot of money.
Well you see that building out there?
The woman pointed to a company office building.
Yes said the man.
Well, I paid for that company with all the money Ive made doing blow jobs! the man agreed and the women did the service.
The very next night the same man walked into the same bar and went to the same beautiful woman at the bar and asked Miss would you have sex with me?
To which the woman replied, You see that island out there?
The woman pointed to Manhattan Island, the man said dont tell me, you paid for that island with the money you made by having sex with people?
No, but I could have bought that island with the money I made by having sex with men if I had a vagina!
La señora contesta al timbre de la puerta de su casa. Ante la entrada, están dos niñitos que portan una lista en un pedazo de papel. Uno de ellos dice:
Señora, mi hermanito y yo entramos en un juego en el que, si lo ganamos, nos regalan cien pesos. Consiste en encontrar las cosas que aparecen en esta lista…
¡Y sólo nos falta por conseguir tres granos de trigo, un hueso de chuleta de carnero y un pedazo de papel carbón usado! ¿Nos puede ayudar?, interrumpe, excitado, el otro niño.
¡Guau! ¿Y quién los convenció de entrar a un juego tan difÃcil?, inquiere intrigada la mujer.
El novio de nuestra niñera, contestan a coro los pequeños.
Genghis Khan is looking for a few good barbarians.
THE FACTS OF LIFE
The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
If at first you dont succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Money cant buy happiness…But it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Daves Law: You cant fall off the floor.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you cant find them.
Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
The wife of a Las Vegas doctor telephoned a local casino and asked to have her husband paged….Sorry, Madam, came the reply,The house does not make doctor calls!
there was three nuns that died and went to heaven.when they got to the gate st peter was there and he asked the three nuns some questions about the bible the fist question waswhat was adams partners name?the first nun replied eveand she went inside,the second nun was asked what was the garden called?the second nun repliededenshe went in,finaly the third nun was asked a question he siad what was eves first thought about adam?the nun replied oh thats a hard one!
A young Catholic priest decided to enter a monastery. He joined one particularly strict sect. The head monk told him, at his indoctrination, that they were sworn to TOTAL silence. They could not speak one word at all. However, every ten years, they would be permitted to speak two words.
After 10 years of total silence, the head monk indicated it was now time for him to speak his two words. The monk said, Bed hard! And then he resumed his silent study and work.
Another 10 years passed and the head monk again indicated it was time for him to speak his two words. The monk said, Food bad! And then he resumed his silent study and work.
Another 10 years passed and the head monk again indicated it was time for him to speak his two words. The monk said, I quit!
The head monk shook his head and said, I knew this was coming. Youve done nothing but complain for the past 30 years!
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home too.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last.
Stock up and save. Limit: one per customer
See ladies blouses. 50% off!
Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops!
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
Christmas tag-sale. Hand made gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Modular Sofas. Only $299 For rest or fore play
Auto Repair Service. Free pickup and delivery. Try us once, and youll never go anywhere again.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
And now, the Superstore – unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in you home for $1.