Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.

Whats the differance between Bill Clinton and a carp?

Ones a bottom feeding nusiance, the other is a fish.

If you know any teenagers in prison,
send them some candy to help them break out.

Q: A smart blond, Santa and a pregnant woman are on an elevator. A twenty-dollar bill lies on the ground. Who picks it up ? A: The pregnant woman… the other two arent real !

How many Finlanders does it take to change a light bulb?One Swede.

A spaceship lands on Mars, and the astronauts are getting ready to go out when they look out the window and see something really weird.

Radioing Earth they yell: Houston, weve got a problem, theres a bunch of fully-bearded green Martians wearing black clothes, sidecurls and hats out there.

Go out and make contact, find more about them, was the reply.

So they did, and when they approached the group one of the astronauts asked: Do all Martians dress like that?

Oh, not at all, reply the Martians, Only the orthodox ones!

In my life, when I read comics, I thought the zzzz in those little balloons indicated someone was sleeping! Boy, did I miss the boat, and it took me all these years to figure it out! All that wasted time! With the help of Bill Gates (the man who avoided changing the lightbulb by redefining darkness as the standard), I have, indeed, seen the light.

Now,I finally know what all those sleeping people in those comics had on their minds!

If you want to see what Im babbling about, start up Microsoft Word, type in zzzz (without the quotes, of course) and hit the spell check. Now you too can be enlightened!

REMEMBER it has to be 4 letters of z. Try using the thesaurus too.

Jay Leno monologue, Britney spears wrecked her $200,000 Ferrari after she downshifted into second gear going 85 miles an hour. But never any danger of her gettin hurt. She wasnt hurt cause luckily, both her and the car have the dual air bags, so theyre fine.

I wish I knew who came up with this one! I skewers elements of the famous San Francisco culture…

Zelda and Jane were given a rottweiler at their commitment ceremony. If their dog needs to be walked two miles a day and they walk at a rate of 3/4 mile per hour, how much time will they spend discussing their relationship in public?

Michael has two abusive stepfathers and an alcoholic mother. If his self-esteem is reduced by 20% per dysfunctional parent, but Michael feels 3% better for every person he denigrates, how long will it take before hes ready to go home if 1 person walks by the cafe every 2 minutes?

Sanjeev has 7 piercings. If the likelihood of getting cellulitis on any given day is 10% per piercing, what is the likelihood Sanjeev will need to renew his erythromycin prescription during the next week?

Chad wants to take half a pound of pot to Orinda and sell it at a 20% profit. If it originally cost him $1,500 in food stamps, how much should Nicole write the check for?

The City and County of San Francisco decide to destroy 50 rats infesting downtown. If 9,800 animal rights activists hold a candlelight vigil, how many people did each dead rat empower?

A red sock, a yellow sock, a blue sock, and a white sock are tossed randomly in a drawer. What is the likelihood that the first two socks drawn will be socks of color?

George weighs 245 pounds and drinks two triple lattes every morning. If each shot of espresso contains 490mg of caffeine, what is Georges average caffeine density in mg/pound?

There are 4500 homes in Mill Valley and all of them recycle plastic. If each household recycles 10 soda bottles a day and buys one polar fleece pullover per month, does Mill Valley have a monthly plastic surplus or deficit?
Bonus question: Assuming all the plastic bottles are 1 liter size, how much Evian are they drinking?

If the average person can eat one pork pot sticker in 30 seconds, and the waitress brings a platter of 12 pot stickers, how long will it take five vegans to not eat them?

Todd begins walking down Market Street with 12 $1 bills in his wallet. If he always gives panhandlers a single buck, how many legs did he have to step over if he has $3 left when he reaches the other end and met only one double-amputee?

Advanced Placement Students Only:

Katie, Trip, Ling, John-John and Effie share a three-bedroom apartment on Guerrero for $2400 a month. Effie and Trip can share one bedroom, but the other three need their own rooms with separate ISDN lines to run their web servers. None of them wants to use the futon in the living room as a bed, and they each want to save $650 in three months to attend Burning Man.

What is their best option:

All five roommates accept a $12/hour job-share as handgun monitors at Mission High.
Ask Miles, the bisexual auto mechanic, to share Effie and Trips bedroom for $500/month.
Petition the Board of Supervisors to advance Ling her annual digital-artists-of-color stipend.
Rent strike

A guy on a date parks and gets the girl in the back seat and they make love. The girl wants it again and the guy obliges her. She wants more and they do it again. She still wants more and the guy says Excuse me a minute I have to relieve myself.

While out of the car he notices a guy a half block away changing a flat. He asks the guy Look, Ive got this gal in my car and Ive given it to her four or five times and she still wants more. Ill change your flat if youll take over for me.

The guy does and is just getting in the high numbers when a cop knocks on the window and shines a light on them. The cop asks Whatre you doing in there?

The guy say Im making love to my wife.

The cop asks Why dont you do that at home?

The guy answers To tell you the truth, I didnt know it was my wife until you shined the light on her.