Old and New Jokes

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said,

You seem like nice young men, and Id like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. Ill see you back in court Monday.

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, How did you do over the weekend?

Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever. 17 people? Thats wonderful. What did you tell them? I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this…

…O…o

…and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs. Thats admirable, said the judge.

And you, how did you do?, he asked the second boy, Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever. 156 people! Thats amazing! How did you manage to do that?!?, Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)

…o…O

I said (pointing to the small circle) this is your asshole before prison, …

Once there was a farmer who had a three legged pig. A man from the city came to visit the farmer and saw this pig. Farmer Ed, quoth he, why has that pig only got three legs?

Said the farmer, That there is one special pig. Last year when the river was floodin and I was drownin, that pig saved my life. Thats one special pig.

Yes, that is a special pig, the man agreed, but why does it have only three legs?

Well, the farmer said, That is a very special pig. When my house was on fire, and my wife and daughter were inside, that pig saved their life. Thats a special pig.

Yes, the man replied, So why has it only got three legs?

Well, said the farmer, a pig that special you just cant eat all at once.

Q: How many Democratic presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: (Bruce Babbitt) Its foolish to talk about screwing in light bulbs when we havent even taken the first step, and that is to remove the old bulb. I challenge my fellow candidates to stand up with me and help me remove this old light bulb [stands, but nobody else does] Hah! What wimps. You guys make Bush look like Rambo.

A little boy went to the bathroom at school, but when he went to wipe his bum, there was no toilet paper so he used his hands. When he got back to class, his teacher asked him what he had in his hands.

A little leprechaun and if I open my hand hell get scared away, the boy said. He was then sent to the principals office and the principal asked him what he had in his hands.

A little leprechaun and if I open my hands hell get scared away.

He was sent home and his mom asked him what he had in his hands.

A little leprechaun and if I open my hands hell get scared away.

He was sent to his room and his dad came in and asked him what he had in his hands.

A little leprechaun and if I open my hands hell get scared away.

Then his Dad got really mad and yelled, Open your hands! Look, Dad. You scared the crap out of him.

I dont have a joke link, I make my jokes from scratch.

Beer is for idiots, relatives are an exception.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

31. Dye all your underwear lime green.

Looking back over the years that weve been together,
I cant help but wonder:…
— What was I thinking?

Congratulations on your wedding day!…
— Too bad no one likes your wife.

How could two people as beautiful you….
— have such an ugly baby?

Ive always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love…
— After having met you, Ive changed my mind.

I must admit, you brought Religion in my life…
— I never believed in Hell until I met you.

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am…
— that youre not here to ruin it for me.

As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts youve given me…
— Like the need for therapy.

Thanks for being a part of my life!!!…
— I never knew what evil was before this!

Before you go,…
I would like you to take this knife out of my back.
— Youll probably need it again.

Someday I hope to get married…
— but not to you.

You look great for your age…
— Almost Lifelike!

When we were together, you always said youd die for me…
— Now that weve broken up, I think its time you kept your promise.

I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend…
— So heres his leash, water bowl and chew toys.

We have been friends for a very long time…
— What do you say we call it quits?

Im so miserable without you…
— Its almost like youre here.

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy…
— Did you ever find out who the father was?

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket…
— Id miss you heaps and think of you often.

Ive learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only
suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

A doctor was holding a new baby that he had just delivered.

The baby looked up at him and said, Are you my father?

The doctor said, No, I am the doctor that delivered you. Then the doctor handed the baby to the nurse.

While the nurse was cleaning the baby the baby looked at the nurse and said, Are you my father?

The nurse said, No, I am just the nurse. Then the nurse gave the baby to the new father.

The baby looked at him and said, Are you my father?

The new father said proudly, Yes! I am your father.

Then the baby started poking his father in the forehead over and over again and said, So how do YOU like it?!

Dear Abby: I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. My fiancees mother is not only very attractive but really great and understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be. When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred … then she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave. I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front door… There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test. Abby, should I tell my fiancee what her parents did, and that I thought their little test was asinine and insulting to my character? Or should I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?