Old and New Jokes

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?
2. If you get one of those pushy people who wont shut up, just listen to their sales pitch. When they try to close the sale, tell them that youll need to go get your credit card. Then, just set the phone down and go do laundry, shopping or whatever. See how long that commission based scum waits for you to get your credit card.
3. If they start out with, How are you today? say, Why do you want to know? Or you can say, Im so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died…. When they try to get back to the sales process, just continue on with telling about your problems.
4. If the person says hes Joe Doe from the ABC Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where it is located. Continue asking personal questions or questions about the company for as long as necessary.
5. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: Hi, my name is Julie and Im with Dodger & Peck Services…. You: Hang on a second. (few seconds pause) Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?
6. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, Julie!! Is this really you? I cant believe it! Julie, how have you BEEN? Hopefully, this will give Julie a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.
7. Say, No, over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as theyre trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.
8. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, I dont have any friends…would you be my friend?
9. If they clean rugs: Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood – chicken blood too?
10. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional Uh-huh, really, or, Thats fascinating. Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldnt give your credit card number to someone whos a complete stranger.
11. Tell them you work for the same company they work for.

    Example:

    Telemarketer: This is Bill from Widget & Associates.

    You: Widget & Associates!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?

    Telemarketer: Uh, Dallas, Texas.

    You: Great, they have a group there too? Hows business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers). If the person says, Well, I dont really want to get a call at home, say, Ya! Now you know how I feel. (smiling, of course…)

Hearing Aids

Band Aids

Roll Aids

Walking Aids

Medical Aids

Government Aids

Most Of All, Monetary Aid To Their Kids!

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

Streamlining was due to the North Poles loss of dominance of the seasons gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santas market share. He could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEOs annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable press.

I am pleased to inform you that Rudolphs role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolphs nose got that way, not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santas helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.

As a further restructuring, todays global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the Twelve Days of Christmas subsidiary:

– The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;

– The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated;

– The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;

– The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

– The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order;

– The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one;

– The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement;

– As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

– Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;

– Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;

– Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line;

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved. Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorneys association seeking expansion to include the legal profession (thirteen lawyers-a-suing) action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

*Happy Holidays!*

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral.

The title to the property dated back
to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down.

After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply:
Upon review of your letter adjoining your clients loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral proper back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin.

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:

Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note
that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application.

I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the U.S. from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.

For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain.

The land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the then reigning monarch, Isabella.

The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund Columbus expedition.

Now the Pope, as Im sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world.

Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana. He, therefore, would be the owner of origin.

I hope to you find His original claim to be satisfactory.

Now, may we have the lousy loan?

A guy walks into a bar and rudely demands a shot of 12-yr old scotch.

The bartender thinks this guy doesnt know the difference, so he pours a shot of 2-year old scotch.

The patron takes one sip and spits it out. He promptly hollers at the bartender I said 12-year old scotch, you bozo!

Still unimpressed the bartender pours some 6-year old scotch.


The patron takes a sip…same reaction.

But the bartender still doesnt believe the patron knows the difference. So he pours a shot of 10-year old scotch. Again, same reaction from the patron.

Finally, the bartender is convinced. He pours the patron a glass of 12-year-old scotch. The patron takes a sip and is most satisfied.

All the while this has been going on, a drunk at the end of the bar has been watching.

He slides a shot glass down the bar to the patron and drunkedly says:


Shay mishter, tashte this! The patron obliges…he promptly spits it out.

That tastes like pee!, he shoots back at the drunk.

The drunk replies: It ish. Now how old am I?

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers… like a telephone… on his hand, then talking into his hand. The bartender walks over and tells him that this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesnt need any trouble here.



The guy says, You dont understand. Im very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular.



The bartender says Prove it. The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation.



Thats incredible, says the bartender…I would never have believed it!



Yeah, said the guy, I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the mens room? The bartender directs him to the mens room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesnt return. Fearing the worst, given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the mens room.



There is the guy spread- eagle on the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt. Oh my god! said the bartender. Did they rob you? Are you hurt?



The guy turns to him and says: No, Im ok… Im just waiting for a fax.

A day without sunshine is like night.

Theres 4 people on a plane and one is the smartest man in the world, ones a hippie, ones the president and one is britney spears. the plane is about to crash and theres only three parachutes so the president says, I think i deserve a parachute, afterall, i am the president. So he takes the parachute and jumps out of the plane. Next britney spears says, I think i should use the next parachute afterall, i am britney spears. so she jumped out of the plane. then there was only the hippie and the smartest man. They were debating who should use the next parachute and the hippie said, i dont think we have to worry about anything like that, britney spears just jumped out with my backpack. and they jumped out of the plane.

Whats the difference between American pilots and Iraqi pilots?

American pilots break ground and fly into the wind.

The next time your co-workers get on your nerves & you have just had it with them, do what I do…

Tell them to alphebetize their m&ms
Tell them there is a Morons Anonymous meeting at 5 in the middle lane of 101
Leave a wet lollipop on their chair
Follow them home, freak them out a little
Keep telling them what a hard worker you are
Ask to borrow a report and tear out a couple pages
Remind them that their freckles could be cancerous
Comment on their weight gain
Send anonymous letters
Dont Flush