*before you read this falaphel can also mean the pendants on an isreali soldiers uniform
There are two isrealis in the front of a car and an american in the back. One israeli says two the other look at that man and his falaphels.
So the american says falaphels, where i am hungry
Imagine, if you will, three temperate southern (US) women rocking away on a porch as the sultry summers day comes to a slow end. The horizon is awash with the suns setting hues. A few pesky no-see-ums fly about.
The first lady speaks up in her slow, southern drawl and says: Sisters, Ive been thinking. Each of us has a husband whose name is LeRoy. Its been mighty confusing lately. Sometimes when I yell LeRoy!! your husband comes and sometimes yours answers and once in a while mine comes. I think its time we rename our husbands to end the confusion.
Quiet returns to the porch scene only to be interrupted by the creaking of the hold rocking chairs on the loose planks. The first lady again speaks up and says, I think Ill name my husband Seven-UP.
Why, sister, why are you going to name your husband Seven-UP? queries one of the old gals.
Why, hes got seven inches and its always up! replies the first lady.
The second lady then muses a bit and says, I think Im going to name my LeRoy Mountain Dew.
Why, sister, why are you going to name him Mountain Dew?
Well, cuz mountin is one thing he do real well, the second lady says.
Both then turn to the third woman as she rocks slowly in her chair and of her they ask, And, what will you name your husband, sister?
Ive been thinking that I just might name him Jack Daniels, she said.
Why, sister, Jack Daniels is a hard liquor!!
Thats my LeRoy!, the third woman responds.
1. Only in America……can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America……are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America……do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America……do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America……do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America……do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America……do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we wont miss a call from someone we didnt want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America……do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America……do we use the word politics to describe the process so well: Poli in Latin meaning many and tics meaning bloodsucking creatures.
10. Only in America……do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
A guys walking down the street and sees Dirty Johnny smoking a cigarette. He says, Kid, youre too young to smoke.
Johnny looks up and doesnt say anything.
The guy says, How old are you?
Johnny says, Six.
The guy says, Six? When did you start smoking?
Johnny says, Right after the first time I got laid.
The guy says, Right after the first time you got laid? When was that?
Johnny says, I dont remember. I was drunk.
Q: Why cant men get mad cow disease?
A: Because theyre a bunch of pigs!
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Jagger!
Jagger who!
Jaggerd edge!
For more than 30 years, New York magazine has run a contest in which contestants take a well-known foreign language expression, change a single letter, and provide a definition for the new expression. Here are some favorites.
Harlez-vous français?
CAN YOU DRIVE A FRENCH MOTOCYCLE?
Cogito Eggo Sum.
I THINK; THEREFORE I AM A WAFFLE.
Rigor morris.
THE CAT IS DEAD.
Repondez-vous sil vous plaid.
HONK IF YOURE SCOTTISH.
Que sera serf.
LIFE IS FEUDAL.
Posh mortem.
DEATH STYLES OF THE RICH AND FAMOUS.
Pro Bozo publico
SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL CLOWN.
Apès Moe le deluge.
LARRY AND MOE GOT WET.
Haste cuisine.
FAST FRENCH FOOD.
Veni, vidi, vice.
I CAME, I SAW, I PARTIED.
Mazel ton.
TONS OF LUCK.
Aloha oy.
LOVE; GREETINGS; FAREWELL; FROM SUCH A PAIN YOU SHOULD NEVER KNOW.
Visa la France.
DONT LEAVE YOUR CHATEAU WITHOUT IT.
Létat, cest moo.
IM BOSSY AROUND HERE.
Cogito, ergo spud.
I THINK, THEREFORE I YAM.
(OK, more than 1 letter.)
Veni, vidi, velcro
I CAME, I SAW, I STUCK AROUND.
(OK, another exception.)
Well, Mrs. OConnor, so you want a divorce? the solicitor questioned
his client. Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?
Oh, no, replied Mrs. OConnor. Shure now, we have a carport.
The solicitor tried again. Well, does the man beat you up?
No, no, said Mrs. OConnor, looking puzzled. Im always first out of
bed.
Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. Well, does he go in for
unnatural connubial practices?
Shure now, he plays the flute, but I dont think he knows anything
about the connubial.
Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. What Im trying to find out are
what grounds you have.
Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat — not even a window box, let alone
grounds.
Mrs. OConnor, the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, you
need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you
seeking this divorce?
Ah, well now, said the lady, Shure its because the man cant hold an
intelligent conversation.
How can you tell when a Jewish American Princess has an orgasm?
She drops her nail file.
A young Jewish boy starts attending public school in a small town. The teacher
of the one-room school decides to use her position to try to influence the
new student. She asks the class, Who was the greatest man that ever lived?
A girl raises her hand and says, I think George Washington was the greatest
man that ever lived because he is the Father of our country. The teacher
replies, Well…thats a good answer, but thats not the answer I am looking
for. Another young student raises his hand and says, I think Abraham
Lincoln was the greatest man that lived because he freed the slaves and helped
end the civil war. … Well, thats another good answer, but that is not
the one I was looking for. Then the new Jewish boy raises his hand and
says, I think Jesus Christ was the greatest man that ever lived. The
teachers mouth drops open in astonishment. Yes!, she says, thats the
answer I was looking for. She then brings him up to the front of the
classroom and gives him a lollipop. Later, during recess, another Jewish boy
approaches him as he is licking his lollipop. He says Why did you say,
Jesus Christ? The boy stops licking his lollipop and replies, I know
its Moses, and YOU know its Moses, but business is business.