Old and New Jokes

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the days route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldnt get out of her room. You cant get out of your room? the captain asked, Why not?

The stewardess replied: There are only three doors in here, she sobbed, one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says Do Not Disturb!

Computers in Movies:



1. Word processors never display a cursor.



2. You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.



3. All monitors display inch-high letters.



4. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces.



5. Those that dont will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.



6. Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want by simply typing ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES on any keyboard.



7. Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing UPLOAD VIRUS. (See Fortress)



8. All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villains desktop computer, even if its turned off.



9. Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesnt go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer.



10. All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backward.



11. People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.



12. A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.



13. Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function. (See Demolition Man and countless others)



14. Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems transmit data at a speed of two gigabytes per second.



15. When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.



16. If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen. (e.g., Clear and Present Danger)



17. If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.



18. No matter what kind of computer disk it is, itll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms.



19. The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has (Aliens). However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons arent labeled.



20. Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics capability.



21. Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY Y-MP.



22. Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face. (See Alien, 2001)

The top 10 reasons for Mike Tyson biting Evander Holyfields ear:

10. Got a little carried away after seeing Face/Off

9. Really wanted to win first prize on Americas Funniest Home Videos

8. Like this doesnt happen every year in the Masters

7. Whenever Moe bites Curlys ear, its hilarious!

6. Has to do this kind of thing to compensate for the fact that he talks like Melanie Griffith

5. I guess youve never heard of a little thing called strategy

4. Ears is tasty

3. It was self-defense — he wouldnt stop punching me!

2. Disqualified sounds better than got his ass kicked all over the ring

1. He ran out of gum

If your wife asks you to get some groceries, and you put on camoflage and grab a shotgun, you might be a redneck.

Q: When did Clintons friends become sure that he had political ambitions?
A: When he married outside of his family.

1. El helicóptero con asiento eyector.

2. La linterna con batería solar.

3. Un teléfono para ciegos que en vez de timbre tiene una luz.

4. Las cerillas a prueba de fuego.

5. Las bolsas de té impermeables.

6. Paracaídas con apertura por impacto.

7. Las puertas corredizas para submarinos.

8. La diana inflable para dardos.

9. Sillas de ruedas con pedales de acelerador y freno para parapléjicos, para que tengan las manos libres.

10. Ventilador accionado por viento.

11. Recargador de baterías que funciona con baterías.

12. Aire acondicionado enfriado con el ambiente.

13. Refrigeradora para esquimales.

15. Baños de vapor para el desierto.

15. Un secador de pelo a prueba de agua, ahorre tiempo úselo mientras se baña.

El marido le dice a su mujer:

¿Me podrías avisar, por favor, cuando tengas un orgasmo?

¡Pero cariño, si me dijiste que no podía llamarte al trabajo!

***

Una pareja está en un restaurante. El le dice a ella:

Mira, la chica del vestido rojo me está sonriendo.

¡Ya! La primera vez que te vi, yo también me oriné de la risa.

***

María, prométeme que cuando me muera te casarás con Antonio.

¡Pero, si es tu peor enemigo!

¡Pues por eso, que se joda!

***

Adán y Eva paseaban por el paraíso. Y Eva pregunta:

Adán, ¿me amas?

Y Adán refunfuñando:

¿Tengo otra alternativa?

***

Le pregunta un pequeño a su padre:

Papá, ¿por qué te casaste con mamá?

Tú tampoco te lo explicas, ¿verdad?

What do the Pope and the Rams both appearing in the St. Louis Trans World Dome have in common?



They both feature 3 million people saying Jesus Christ!

A priest noticed that one of the nuns in the convent was getting a little chubby. Is there anything wrong? he asked her.

The nun replied, Its just gas!



As time went by he noticed she was getting very fat indeed.



Are you sure youre ok? he asked again. Yes, she replied. Its just gas!



One day, the priest saw the nun pushing a pram around. He stopped and peered inside. Hmm . . . cute little fart.

A man walks into a bar and sees a sign .


cheese rolls $2.00


ham rolls $2.00


hand jobs $10.00


so he sees an attractive blonde waitress and says to her do you do the hand jobs and she replies yes i do.


so he says well wash your hands i want a cheese roll.