Old and New Jokes

Compact home incinerator used for the disposal of bulky
pieces of meat and poultry.

An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop, and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the days route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her. She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I cant get out of the room!" "You cant get out of yourroom?"; the captain asked. "Why not?" She replied, "There are only threedoors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one hasa sign on it that says Do Not Disturb!"

One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the Devil.

Devil: Why so glum?

Guy: Why do you think? Im in hell.

Devil: Hells not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here.

You a drinking man?

Guy: Sure I love to drink.

Devil: Well youre gonna love Mondays, then. On Mondays thats all we do. Drink, Drink, Drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab… We drink until we throw up and then we drink some more.

Guy: Gee, that sounds great.

Devil: You a smoker?

Guy: You better believe it.

Devil: All right! Youre gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, its okay…youre already dead!

Guy: No way!

Devil: I bet you like to gamble.

Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact, I do.

Devil: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races; you name it. Weve even opened up a Pai Gow poker table.

Guy: Hmmm, Ive never played pai gow before …

Devil: Well now you can. You like to do drugs?

Guy: Yes, I love drugs! You dont mean …

Devil: Thats right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of your head. You can do all the drugs you want. If you overdose? Its okay! Youre already dead!!

Guy: Yes! I never realized that hell was such a swinging place!!

Devil: So… are you gay?

Guy: Uh, no.

Devil: Ooooh (grimaces), you are gonna HATE Fridays!

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

All set back here, Captain, came the reply, except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.

After reading Samathas joke I must say she

only told half the story! Mickey went to



divorce court. The judge turned to Mickey and



asked:So you want a divorce because you



think your wife is crazy?



No replied Mickey I didnt say she was



crazy! I said she was fucking Go

What happens when people of different occupations get old.

– Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.

– Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils.

– Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.

– Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.

Q. When is a pixie not a pixie?
A. When hes got his head up a fairys skirt, then hes a goblin.

Un chaval le pregunta a otro:

¿Que quieres ser de mayor?

¿Yo? Imbécil.

¿Por qué?

Porque mi padre siempre dice: ¡Qué de pasta tiene ese imbécil! ¡Qué tía más buena sale con este imbécil! ¡Qué cochazo tiene ese imbécil!

New Policy on Twelve Days



Effective immediately, the following economizing measures are being implemented in the Twelve Days of Christmas subsidiary:



The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance



Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated



The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French



The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.



The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order



The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one



The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement



As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching



Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps



Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year



Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line



Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days

What did they call the Chinese prostitute that became pregnant?

– What Went Wong.