Old and New Jokes

1. I want you almost as much as I want world peace.

2. You can forget about going to heaven because its sin to look that good.

3. We both know that I am going to follow you home anyway, so why dont you just come along peacefully?

4. I envy your lipstick.

5. I just want to be loved – is that so wrong?

6. You remind me of an ice cold Pepsi – Ive just gotta have it.

7. Do you believe in the hereafter? Good, then you know what Im here after.

8. If I had eleven roses and you, Id have a dozen.

9. Baby, you look so sweet youre giving me a cavity.

10. Is it me or am I gorgeous?

11. Id even marry your dog just to be related to you.

A little boy was playing by a pond when he saw a Port-A-Potty. Feeling mischievous, he tipped it over into the pond, and ran all the way home. At dinner, his father told the story of how George Washington chopped down the cherry tree. Feeling incredibly guilty, the little boy fessed up and told his father about what had happened. Soon, the boy was spanked, and how! "Wait, dad! Whats going on? I told you the truth!""Yes, you did. But George Washingtons dad wasnt in the tree when he chopped it down!"

Q:What does Bob Dole and the Empire State building have in common?
A: They both took 410 days to be erected.

And God said: Let there be Satan, so people dont blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people dont blame everything on Satan.

— John Wing

The phone rings at FBI headquarters.

Hello? Im calling to report my neighbor, Clifford. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!

Thank you very much for the call, sir.

The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbors house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.

The phone rings at the neighbors house. Hey, Clifford, did the FBI come?

Yep.

Did they chop your firewood?

Yep.

Great, now its your turn to call. I need my garden plowed.

Un tipo anda de visita en China, pero no tiene lugar donde quedarse. Tras mucho buscar encuentra alojamiento en el décimo piso de un edificio.

El anciano dueño le advierte: Tengo que decile que yo tenel helmosa hija que dolmil junto a su cualto, señol, pelo si algo llegal a pasale a ella, ustéd lecibilá los tles castigos chinos.

El tipo se va a dormir y por la noche se levanta al baño, ve a la hermosa hija del chino y sin acordarse de la advertencia del anciano se acuesta con la muchacha.

A la mañana siguiente, el tipo se iba a despedir, pero en la cama encuentra un papelito que dice:

Primer castigo chino: roca sobre las piernas y en ese momento, de la nada cae una enorme roca que lo aplasta. Sin embargo, el hombre saca fuerzas y tira la roca por la ventana.

En eso, otro papelito cae: Segundo castigo: la roca está amarrada al huevo izquierdo.

El tipo no lo piensa más y se tira por la ventana. Al ir cayendo, ve que en su camisa está escrito el tercer castigo chino: ¡huevo derecho amarrado a la cabecera de la cama!

A burglar got into a house one holiday night. Shining his flashlight on the floor in the dark, he heard a voice say, Jesus is watching you.

He looked around nervously, shook his head, and kept looking for valuables.



He heard again, Jesus is watching you. This time he shined his light all over, and it rested on a parrot.



He asked, Did you say that?



The parrot admitted that he had. Im just trying to warn you, is all.



The burglar sad, Warn me, huh? A parrot? Who are you? Whats your name?



Moses.



Well, what kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?



The bird answered, I dont know; I guess the same folks who would name a Rottweiler Jesus……..

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed.

She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?



The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.



I cant, dear, she said. I have to sleep in Daddys room.



A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: The big sissy.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Cass!
Cass who?
Cass more flies with honey than vinegar!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Custer!
Custer who?
Custer a penny to find out!