Old and New Jokes

A young boy, about seven years old, was at the corner grocery picking out a box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

No laundry the boy said, Im going to wash my dog.

But you shouldnt use this to wash your dog. Its very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, hell get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.

Oh, he died, the boy said.

The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog.

The boy replied, I dont think it was the detergent that killed him.

Oh, What was it then? I think it was the spin cycle!

Three coaches flew to the NCAA convention. The plane crashed, all three d ied. All three noticed God up in the clouds sitting in a chair. God wanted to know three things: Who are you? What did you do? and What did people think of you?

The first person said, Im Denny Crum. I was the 2nd best coach in the nation. I won 2 national championships and won over 20 games a year and the people of Kentucky think I am great.

God said, Denny, stand to my right.

The next person said, Im John Thompson. I was the 3rd best coach in the nation. I won conference championships and made our program respectable. The people of Washington DC think I am great.

God said, John, stand on my left side.

The third person stood before God and said, Im Bobby Knight. I have won three national championships, two NIT championships, the Pan Am games, the Olympics, nine Big Ten championships, the youngest coach ever to win 600 games and the people of Indiana think you are sitting in my chair.

A: Three, but theyre really only one.

Its a simple feat to format and reuse AOL disks… but with a little imagination, a truly useful purpose can be found for those pesky white platters invading our mailboxes and magazines.

Mini cutting board (great for the office or the car, use metal door for knife).
Attach it to a ruler and presto! – youve got a fly swatter.
Construct a life size replica of Stonehenge.
At a restaurant, shove one under a wobbling table leg.
Money clip (use the metal door and discard the plastic case… the rich nerd look is IN this year).
Eye patch (for one-eyed software pirates).
Christmas ornaments (the more the merrier).
Give them to young children to use as building blocks.
Glue them to the bottom of the space shuttle and use them as re-entry burn tiles.
Dentures (melt & form them into new teeth for grandma).
Room dividers for hamsters.
Drink coasters.
Use multiple disks to create an ideal door stopper.
Ice scraper.
Bathroom tile.
Bookmark.
Mini frisbee.
Air hockey puck.
Dog chew toy.
Dart board.
Pooper scooper.
Grill scraper.
Use them for karate board-breaking demonstrations (save a tree).
Wrist slicer – after receiving first AOL bill (use metal door).
Conversation piece for coffee table.
Destroy them – smash, burn, or run over to relieve stress.
Light switch cover.
Chinese throwing stars (tape 2 together).
Clay pigeons for target practice.
Greeting card (bind two together at one end).
Halloween treat (give them away all night long).
Bullet proof vest (arrange together in triple thickness).
Firewood.
Bird house.
Paper weights.
Pen holders (make a box without a top).
Post-it notes holder.
Refrigerator magnet (glue a magnet to the back).
A very sturdy base for putting the motorcycle sidestand on when parking on soft surfaces.
Keep em in the trunk for extra traction in the snow.
Solar Eclipse Glasses (open door and look through disk at the sun/moon – actually works).
Placing one in each back pocket helps children who get paddled by the coach. This spreads the force to a wider area.
Make an AOL disk & pasta casserole.
Incense burners (put stick in hole of disk hub and light the incense).
Bug Shield (glue a bunch to the front of your cars hood).
Put them on car windshields at the mall (along with this list).
Melt the plastic of the disks into a giant sculpture.
Hand them out as party favors.
Hidden/spare key holder (crack open one side, insert key and then place near door. Completely safe… who would want an AOL disk?).
Vertical blinds.
Be an AOL diskette surgeon and disect a diskette.
Bench press weights (I can press 120).
Grind em up and refertilize the front lawn.
The new Dominos stuffed-crust pizza filling.
Tell the kids to leave warm milk & AOL disks for Santa.
Brake shoes.
House insulation.
Recycle them for the scrap metal.
Kitchen tile for Bill Gates new mansion in Seattle (walk all over the competition).
Hockey Puck.
Add water and special plant life to make a Chia-Disk.
Noise maker for your bike spokes (why damage your valuable baseball cards).
Put one on a leash and drag it along as you walk… makes the perfect pet.
Poker chips.
Baseball practice (throw them up in the air and hit them with the bat).
Keychain (Put a key ring through one of the write-protect holes and youve got a snappy executive bathroom keychain for the office).
Mail to 10 friends – start an AOL chain-letter (add a disk with each link).
Earmuffs (glue some fur on one side, then attach a U-shaped piece of bent coathanger to both disks).
Grind them up to make fake snow.
Earrings (put loop into write-protect hole).
Dental floss (use actual disk).
Use them for zipper pulls (instead of ski lift tickets).
When your collection of disks reaches 52, use them for a deck of cards.
Use them to fill potholes.
Hood ornament.
Snow blower replacement blades.
Put them in your shirt pocket to make you look smart.
Make two stacks of 10 and use them as heels for platform shoes.
Rubiks cube case (make into box).
Shipping material (keeps your photos from being bent in the mail).
Protect your table from burns caused by hot pots and pans.
Snack trays (great for holding hors doeuvres at parties).
Give them as stocking stuffers to all those people who get you mad.
Fly paper (use actual disk and put string through middle, hang 2 apart and apply honey to disks).
Pocket protector (gee Gilbert I really like your new pocket protector – thanks, Lewis).
They make a *dandy* addition to a #$*+&% neighbors back yard. Better yet, get them to actually install it on their computer.
Use them as elbow and knee pads.
Wax scraper for snowboards.
Use them to decorate your aquarium and create Computer City under water.
Tape a few together and use them as a mouse pad.
Collect a large mass and detonate a supernova.
A wind clacker (similar to a wind chime).
Soap dish (remove metal to prevent rusting).
Row markers for your vegetable garden. (carrots, beans, peas…).
Makes the perfect dance floor for your ant colony.
Bread roller (use actual disks and put rod through center-use about 100).
Hot glue gun resting/protecting pad.
Baby mobile.
Fence (may need a few thousand).
Toe tags for mortuaries. Great for identifying dead computer nerds.
Wonderbra inserts for that Madonna-techno look.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Manitoba!
Manitoba who?
Manitoba me hours to get out of here!

IBM: Ive Been Mislead

A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. (As hed had a bad time in divorce court recently, and blamed the lawyers.) Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud THUMP and then he would swerve back on the road.

One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitch hiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.

He asked the priest, Where are you going, Father?

.

Im going to the church 5 miles down the road!, replied the priest.

No problem, Father! Ill give you a lift. Climb in the truck.

The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud THUD. Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didnt see anything, he turned to the priest and said, Im sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer.

Thats okay, replied the priest.

I got him with the door!

Dos borrachines van conduciendo su vehículo; un oficial los ve y les ordena:

Párense a la derecha.

Los beodos se estacionan y el oficial se acerca diciéndoles:

Por favor, permiso para conducir.

Uno de los ebrios lo ve y le dice al compañero:

Compadre, muévase que el oficial quiere conducir.

A man travelling by plane and in urgent need to use the mens room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the mens room door, it was OCCUPIED.

The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the Ladies room, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside. The Buttons were marked WW, WA, PP, and ATR.



Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway. He carefully pressed the first button marked WW and immediately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, WOW, the women really have it made! Still curious he pressed the button marked WA and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters. He thought that was out of this world! The Button marked PP yielded a large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear. Well, naturally he couldnt resist the last button marked ATR.



When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse. When she appeared, he cried out, What happened to me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!



The nurse replied, Yes you were having a great time until you pressed the ATR button which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow!

Charlie had a massive heart attack and died. His body was delivered to the mortuary. He had been wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit at the time of his demise, so he really looked wonderful, considering the circumstances. His wife went to the funeral home to make the final arrangements for his interment. She spoke to the mortician about what her husband would be wearing. The mortician pointed out that the man looked really nice in the black suit he was wearing, and that frankly it would be easier and less expensive to leave him dressed as he was. The woman noted that Charlie had always looked his very best in blue, and that she really wanted him in a blue suit for his trip to eternity. To silence the morticians continued outcries, she gave him a blank check and said, I dont care what it costs, but please have my husband in the very best blue suit money can buy for the ceremony. The woman came back the next day for the wake. To her delight, she found her Charlie dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fit him perfectly. She said to the mortician, Whatever this cost, Im very satisfied. You did an excellent job, and Im very grateful. How much did you spend? To her astonishment, the mortician presented her with the blank check, indicating there was no charge for these extra services. No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit! she cried. The mortician responded, Honestly, maam, the change to the blue suit cost nothing. Funny thing, a deceased gentleman of about your husbands size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing an attractive black suit. She indicated that it made no difference, as long as he looked nice… so I switched the heads.