Old and New Jokes

Copulation without representation.

Yo mama so ugly she makes Michael Jackson look pretty.

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train.
The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away… Saying that, he opens the window and throws the rest of the bottle thru it. All the others are quite impressed.
The Cuban takes out a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas. Nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigare and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them away…. Saying that, he throws the pack of havanas thru the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.
At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the Lawyer through it…

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some dont have film.

These tagline are in the Tom Swifty tradition of humor:

You tell em Bald Head, youre smooth.
You tell em Banana, youve been skinned.
You tell em Bank, youre safe.
You tell em Bean, Hes stringing you.
You tell em Brake, youve got the drag.
You tell em Butcher, youve got a lot of tongue.
You tell em Cabbage, youve got the head.
You tell em Cat, Thats what youre fur.
You tell em Chloroform, you can put them to sleep.
You tell em Church Bell, I told you.
You tell em Clock, youve got the time.
You tell em Dentist, youve got the pull.
You tell em Hard-Boiled Egg, youre hard to beat.
You tell em June, And dont July.
You tell em Manicurist, Ive been trimmed.
You tell em Mountain, Im only a bluff.
You tell em Operator, youve got their number.
You tell em Printer, Im not your type.
You tell em Railroad, Its not along my line.
You tell em Skyscraper, you have more than one story.
You tell em Teacher, youve got the class.

Teacher: Jeff, have you been copying Johnnys test again?

Jeff: But how did you know?

Teacher: On question #1, Johnny put down I dont know. And you put down Me neither.

Yo mama so fat her legs is like spoiled milk – white & chunky!

Q: How many BASIC programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 10 push bulb upwards:twist bulb clockwise 20 goto 10

If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, shed be Yoko Ono Bono.

If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, shed be Dolly Dali.

If Bo Derek married Don Ho, shed be Bo Ho.

If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, shed be Oprah Chopra.

If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to
marry Elton John, shed be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.

If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry
Herman Munster, shed become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.

If Bea Arthur married Sting, shed be Bea Sting.

If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married
Jerry Mathers, shed be Liv Ito Beaver.

If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan
Hale, shed be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale.

If Javier Lopez married Keiko the whale, and Edith Piaf married Rose
Tu the elephant, they would be Javier Keiko and Edith Tu.

If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King
Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener
mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.

If Dolly Parton married Tommy Smothers, then went even further back in
show business and married Mr. Lucky, then divorced and married
Martin Short, then divorced and married football kicker Ray Guy, we
could all nod understandingly when we heard, Dolly Parton Smothers Lucky
short Guy.