Congratulations on your wedding day ! Too bad no one likes your Wife. How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby? Ive always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After
having met you, Ive changed my mind. I must admit, you brought Religion into my life. I never believed in
Hell til I met you. As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that youre not here to
ruin it for me. If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope its your sister. As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts youve given me.
Like the need for therapy… Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to
take this knife out of my back. Youll probably need it again. Someday I hope to get married, but not to you. Happy Birthday ! You look great for your age…… Almost Lifelike! When we were together, you always said youd die for me. Now that
weve broken up, I think its time you kept your promise.I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend.
So heres his leash, water bowl and chew toys. Im so miserable without you, its almost like youre here. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who
the father was? Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday– so
were having you put to sleep. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! ( available only in Kentucky ) Sis, arent we proud of our baby? ( available only in Arkansas )
(as submitted to www.dilbert.com)
I had to get up at 4:00 a.m. to pack, then take two 70-pound boxes along to the airport. I checked them in, then sat on the plane for an hour before takeoff. Just after we were in the air, I realized that I left my car in front of the airport doors (loading zone).
I work for a TV news network. A co-worker left keys in our van at the airport. The van and $200,000 worth of equipment mysteriously vanished.
Flew to Hartford, arrived midnight. Rental car not reserved. Took a cab to hotel, room not reserved. Went to client next day. They were expecting someone else. My Pointy-Haired Boss had sent me by mistake. Flew home.
Trip to Microsoft labs in Redmond WA. Travel booked to Redmond Oregon, middle of nowhere. No car, no hotel, no MS lab!
When arriving at our hotel in Miami, PHB informs me that he has booked only one room for both of us. He says its more cost effective that way.
The maid set off the fire sprinkler in my hotel room while I was out. Luckily I had a watertight suitcase. Too bad Id left it open – I came back to find my only suit floating in 6 feet of filthy water.
I went to L.A. from D.C. for an ultra-critical customer demo. The Pointy-Haired Marketing Idiot checked equipment as baggage because its heavy. It went to Des Moines. It showed up three days late after having been impaled on a forklift.
Believing our shipping dept – they said that my parts would be onsite in another city.
I backed-up the car on my laptop in the customers parking lot.
PHB to Coworker: Okay, hand me the presentation.
Coworker to me: Um, I dont have it. Do you have it?
Me to PHB: No. Do you have it?
PHB: Oh, no. Its on my desk. (In Omaha – were in Miami.)
Two co-workers of mine were crossing the US-Mexico border (legitimately) with their rental car. The border police chased them down. Apparently, they had rented a car that had previously been used to smuggle drugs across the border…
On a trip to Toronto from the U.S., my boss had a problem with his ticket while boarding the plane. He turned to me and said, Boy, whats a terrorist have to do to get out of the country nowadays?
Taking a customer for a meal, I found my company credit card was cancelled. The customer paid for the meal. There was no answer at the company phone the next day. Yep, the company had been seized and the slime-ball PHB didnt let on when he saw me off.
The CEO wrote checks to cover conference attendance for everyone. Then he spent the money out from under the checks and they bounced. Now the organizers are suing the individual attendees.
The travel agent (assigned by company) had me fly to Cleveland when my destination was 10 minutes outside of Toledo. I flew 90 minutes and spent four hours in the car both ways. Toledo is only 3 1/2 hours from my house.
Your flight got grounded in a blizzard in Montreal and your bags went to Bermuda.
I wound up sitting next to the PHB on a long flight. He proceeded to read (AT) me our entire report, which I had helped prepare, at the top of his lungs.
I agreed to meet a potential employer on a flight to a convention that we were both attending so he could interview me on the way. I didnt realize that my PHB decided to go at the last minute and was seated one row behind us!
I flew to Texas for a job interview. When I arrived, a hurricane was raging in the Gulf. At my motel, there was a palm tree in the pool and the concierge was relocating everyone on the first floor to the second floor due to flooding.
Biggest disaster for my boss: The client I was meeting with offered me a job with much more money. I called in my resignation after three days in the hotel at company expense.
Dilbert©1999 United Feature Syndicate, Inc.
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Cologne!
Cologne who?
Cologne me names wont help!
Llega un señor con su hijita a una jugueterÃa. La niña ve las Barbie y le pregunta a la señorita que atendÃa, oiga, ¿cuánto cuesta la Barbie doctora?
100 pesos, responde la dependiente.
¿La rockera?
Cien pesos.
¿La ama de casa?
100 pesos.
¿La deportista?
100 pesos.
¿La Barbie divorciada?
500 pesos.
¡500 pesos!, ¿por qué ésa cuesta más que las otras?, cuestiona la niña.
¡Ah, porque la Barbie divorciada incluye la casa en la playa de Ken, su convertible y su mansión!
The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students, If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it? The student replied, Heres an orange. The professor was outraged. No! No! Think like a lawyer! The student then replied, Okay. Id tell him I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding…
When the man in the street says: If it aint broke, dont fix it, the lawyer writes: Insofar as manifestations of functional deficiencies are agreed by any and all concerned parties to be imperceivable, and are so stipulated, it is incumbent upon said heretofore mentioned parties to exercise the deferment of otherwise pertinent maintenance procedures.
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Possum!
Possum who?
Possum peace pipe!
Whats an atheists favorite Christmas movie?
Coincidence on 34th Street
Smile, its the second best thing you can do with your lips.
what do you call a whole bunch of black people runnimg down a hill?
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a ThighMaster.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.