Old and New Jokes

Rabbi, the man said, Please explain the Talmud to me.

Very well, he said. First, I will ask you a question. If two men climb


up a chimney and one comes out dirty, and one comes out clean,


which one washes himself?

The dirty one, answers the man.

No. They look at each other and the dirty man thinks he is clean


and the clean man thinks he is dirty, therefore, the clean man washes


himself. Now, another question. If two men climb up a chimney and one


comes out dirty, and one comes out clean, which one washes himself?

The man smiles and says, You just told me, Rabbi. The man who is clean


washes himself because he thinks he is dirty.

No, says the Rabbi. If they each look at themselves, the clean man knows


he doesnt have to wash himself, so the dirty man washes himself.

Now, one more question. If two men climb up a chimney and one comes


out dirty, and one comes out clean, which one washes himself?

I dont know, Rabbi. Depending on your point of view, it could be either


one.

Again the Rabbi says, No. If two men climb up a chimney, how could


one man remain clean? They both are dirty, and they both wash themselves.

The confused man said, Rabbi, you asked me the same question


three times and you gave me three different answers.


Is this some kind of a joke?

This is not a joke, my son. This is Talmud.

You pick up your girfriend on a bike for the prom.

The Roto-Rooter man calls for backup when visiting your house.

A policeman asks for your ID, and you answer, About what?

El indio chico le pregunta al papá indio:

Papá, decirme ¿cómo hacer tú para ponerle nombre a mi hermano mayor?

Bueno, responde el papá indio, cuando nacer tu hermano, lo primero que ver yo al salir de la carpa ser un águila blanca volando, así es que ponerle a tu hermano Aguila Blanca.

¿Y cómo hacerlo con mi hermana? pregunta el indio chico.

Bueno, cuando nacer tu hermana lo primero que ver yo al salir de la carpa ser una flor silvestre, por eso ponerle a tu hermana Flor Silvestre. ¿Pero, porque hacerme estas preguntas Perro Culiando?

Un joven se sube a un tren, y entra en un camarote en el que viajaban un señor con aspecto muy respetable acompañado de su hija de 18 años, y en el asiento de enfrente un cadete.

El joven se sienta junto a la hija y se quedan todos muy callados mientras parte el tren. Más tarde en el viaje, pasan por un túnel y quedan en absoluta oscuridad, cuando se oye un beso seguido por un fuerte golpe.

Al salir del túnel, el cadete tiene un ojo totalmente amoratado.

El padre lo ve y piensa: Seguro que el cadete trató de besar a mi hija, se equivocó, besó al joven de al lado, y éste le propinó tremendo golpe.

La hija lo ve y piensa: Seguro que el joven de mi lado trató de besarme, se equivocó, besó a mi padre y él se confundió y le pego tremendo golpe al cadete.

El cadete, lastimado pero sin animarse a decir nada, piensa: Seguro que el joven trató de besar a la chica, y ella se confundió y me golpeó a mí.

El joven sin expresión en el rostro piensa: En el próximo túnel me vuelvo a besar la mano y le igualo el otro ojo.

Un tipo llega muy borracho a la puerta de su casa y empieza a gritar:

Maríííía, Maríííía

Su esposa se acerca a la ventana y le reclama:

¡Otra vez borracho, es el colmo! ¿Y ahora, qué quieres? ¿Qué te tire la llave?

No, la llave si la tengo, más bien tírame el hueco de la cerradura que no lo encuentro.

The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes.

Just to establish some parameters, said the professor, to the student from Arkansas, What is the opposite of joy?

Sadness, said the student.

And the opposite of depression? he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.

Elation, she said.

And you sir, he said to the young man from Texas, How about the opposite of woe?

The Texan replied, Sir, I believe that would be giddy up.

My favorite teacher put-down comment goes back to Samuel Johnson:

Your paper is both interesting and original; however, the original part is not interesting, and the interesting part is not original.

When I was in jr. high, all I wanted was a girl with large breasts.

In high school, I dated a girl with large breasts, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl.

In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability.

I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about anything. So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

I found an exciting girl, but I couldnt keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.

After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was so ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I owned.

Now all I want is a girl with large breasts!

A: None. (Thats all right…Ill just sit here in the dark…)

((( Got this from a colleague. Possibly apocryphal, purportedly
true. In any case, too good to keep quiet. Enjoy! HR )))

The FAA has a device for testing the strength of windshields
on airplanes. They point this thing at the windshield of the
aircraft and shoot a dead chicken at about the speed the air-
craft normally flies at it. If the windshield doesnt break,
its likely to survive a real collision with a bird during
flight.

The British had recently built a new locomotive that could
pull a train faster than any before it. They were not sure
that its windshield was strong enough so they borrowed the
testing device from the FAA, reset it to approximate the
maximum speed of the locomotive, loaded in the dead chicken,
and fired. The bird went through the windshield, broke the
engineers chair, and made a major dent in the back wall of
the engine cab.

They were quite surprised with this result, so they asked the
FAA to check the test to see if everything was done correctly.
The FAA checked everything and suggested that they might want
to repeat the test using a thawed chicken.