Old and New Jokes

An old priest got sick of everyone in his parish confessing adultery.

During one Sundays sermon he told them, If one more person confesses to adultery, Ill quit!

Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word: fallen.

From then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had fallen.

This satisfied the old priest and the parishioners, and everything was fine for years, until finally the old priest passed away at the ripe old age of 93.

Shortly after the new young priest settled in, he paid a call on the mayor. The priest was quite concerned. You have to do something about the sidewalks in this town, Mayor. You cant believe how many people come into the confessional talking about having fallen!

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had explained their code word to the new priest.

But before the mayor could explain, the priest shook his finger at the mayor and said –

I dont know why youre laughing; your wife fell three times last week!

Im not sure how theyre gonna make out, but a manufacturer is test marketing a brand new unisex personal hygiene deodorant – its called The Pit and the Pendulum.

Even now, so many parents are concerned about sex education in the schools. What theyre not considering though is that if the kids learn it the way they learn all the other subjects, they still wont know how to do it anyway.

A Howard County Policeman broke-up a young couple in the act of love-making on a pathway in Columbia. The girl berated the officer long and loud with a barrage of obscenities. The boy was silent through-out the confrontation.

The officer arrested them both anyway. The girl was charged with disorderly conduct, the boy with having an offensive person on his weapon.

I always get to the airport early, so Ill remember what I forgot in time to go back home and get it.

It was bound to happen. Airline fares have become so complicated, its now cheaper to fly to some destinations than to stay home.

The airline I use has made a major improvement in its in-flight food. On many flights theyre stopped serving it.

I dont think they should perform random drug testing on all airline employees – just test the ones who keep changing the fares.

Unlike cars, airline seats dont have airbags. But you often end up sitting next to one.

Yo mama so fat she has a wooden leg with a kickstand!

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

28. Leave a declaration of war on your roommates desk. Include a list of grievances.

The FBI has called in Ms. Lewinsky to face charges of destroying evidence.
It seems she has been washing out her panties without the courts permission.

A little boy walks up to preacher after morning service and says When I
grow up, Im gonna give you a lot of money!.

The preacher laughs and says
Thats great, why?.

The little boy answers Cause my dad says youre the
poorest preacher we ever had!

During a recent staff meeting in Heaven, God, Moses, and Saint Peter
concluded that the behavior of President Clinton and Rep. Condit had
brought about the need for an eleventh commandment.

They worked long and hard in a brain storming Êsession to try to settle on
the wording of the new commandment, because they realized that it should
have the same style, majesty and dignity as the original ten.

After many revisions, they finally agreed that theÊeleventh commandment
should be:

Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff.

As most of you probably know, they are holding a Woodstock 25th anniversary concert (as well as another competing one nearby) 2 weeks from now (if you dont know what Woodstock was, ask your parents! 🙂 )

Here, taken from a Knight-Ridder story in the local paper yesterday, are 16 reasons people arent clamoring to buy tickets (the promoters still have 100,000 to sell to meet their goal of 250,000):

They remember how much better the movie was than the real thing.
They have to buy a four-ticket pack and couldnt find three friends who wanted to wallow in the mud for a weekend.
Who needs to go to the show when you can buy the T-shirt at K-Mart?
Already spent the next 5 years ticket budget on the Eagles, Pink Floyd and/or Barbra Streisand.
Theyre afraid the brown cappuccino might be bad.
$1,000 a night for a hotel room without Magic Fingers. [A broker reportedly bought up all the nearby hotel rooms, and this is apparently what theyre charging for a room at Holiday Inn.]
No guarantee that the weather will let them chant, No rain! No rain!
Not enough fax outlets or portable phone cells to follow the Dow.
Sha Na Na decided to play at Bethel [the other concert] instead of Woodstock. [Ask your parents about this group, too.]
No outlets for hair dryers.
Whats the use of having a BMW if the parking lots a mile away?
Parents remember going to the first one — but thats *all* they can tell you.
Still having flashbacks to the last scout jamboree.
Might miss live telecasts of O.J.Simpson jury selection.
Moshed out at Lollapalooza.
We are stardust/We are golden/Well stay home where its air conditioned.

From New Scientist, attributed from R.D. Hayler, Stoke-on-Trent, Staffordshire, to a friend:

Two sodium atoms are walking along the street when one stops and says, Oh my God, I think Ive lost an electron!

Are you sure? asks the other sodium atom.

Yes, replies the first sodium atom, Im positive.