Old and New Jokes

there was a jewish guy an asian guy and an aussie in an airoeplane that was about to crash. the needed to get rid of as much weight as possible so the jewish guy chuks some bread out the window and says we jewish people have got enough of this and the asain guy chuked a tamagotchi out and said my people have enough of these so then the aussie threw the asian guy out the window and said we have way to may of these in australia

What do birds give out on Halloween night?

Tweets…

A young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered a butcher shop and confronted the butcher with the news that the baby was his and asked what he was going to do about it? He said hed offer to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.
The butcher had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, Ill be 16 tomorrow. I know, said the butcher with a smile, Ive been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat shell get, and watch the expression on her face. When the boy arrived home he told his mother.
The woman nodded and said, Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!

Whats the difference between St. Patricks Day and Martin Luther King Day?

On St. Patricks Day everyone wishes they were Irish.

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

She is not a BABE or a CHICK – She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.

She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

She is not EASY – She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

She does not TEASE or FLIRT – She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.

She is not DUMB – She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

She has not BEEN AROUND – She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

She does not GET YOU EXCITED – She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.

She is not KINKY – She is a CREATIVE CARETAKER.

She does not have a KILLER BODY – She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.

She is not an AIRHEAD – She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY – She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

She is not HORNY – She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS – She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

She does not NAG YOU – She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.

She is not a SLUT – She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS – She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.

She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE – She is a LOW-COST PROVIDER.

Youve run out of room on your arm from the tattoos of all wives names.

You refuse to wash your truck on account that you have a strong suspicion that mud and rust is all thats holding it together.

People mistakenly come to your house thinking your having a yard sale.

Uno sabe que es costarricense porque:

Crees que el jugo del limón cura casi todo.

Crees que un traguito de guaro cura todo lo demás.

Crees que aunque hayan otros equipos de fútbol, sólo existen la Liga y Saprisa.

Mañana significa ahorita.

Si un matrimonio, ceremonia, recepción, acto oficial, etc., comienza a las 8:00, llegas a las 10:00 y aún no ha llegado nadie.

Culpas a los ricos de tu situación económica.

Culpas a los pobres del crimen.

Culpas a los liberacionistas y a los mariachis por casi todo lo de más.

Culpas a los nicas por todo el resto.

Tienes más fe en un asaltante que en un policía.

Tienes más fe en un policía que en un sacerdote.

Tienes más fe en el alcalde que en el presidente.

Disfrutas tomar cerveza en cantidades industriales y siempre es un buen momento o hay un buen pretexto para echarse una.

Sabes que el café costarricense de exportación es uno de las mejores del mundo, pero que el que te dan aquí es de la broza, saborizantes, etc. Nada que ver con café puro.

En la mesa de un restaurante hay más celulares que platos con comida.

El lunes es popular. El martes las muchachas no pagan. El miércoles hay 2 x 1. El jueves es un viernes chiquitito. El viernes es de party. El sábado es de baile, y el domingo es para pasar la goma.

Al encargado de una tienda o puesto de comida rápida le llamas chamaco… aunque estés en Saks Fifth Avenue, N. Y. C. y éste tenga como 80 años.

Comes tostadas, mondongo, morcilla, chicharrones, etcétera… pero crees que las hamburguesas no son saludables.

Desayunas cereales e insistes en llamarlos CON FLEX.

A todos les llamas compa, primo, compadre, pero a tu verdadero hermano, le llamas playo.

Gritas a los cuatro vientos que Como Costa Rica no hay dos, ¡pero quisieras que fuera como Miami!

Star Trek Carols



Jean-Luc Picard (to the tune of Let It Snow)

Oh, the vacuum outside is endless,

Unforgiving, cold, and friendless,

But still we must boldly go–

Make it so, make it so, make it so!





William Riker: (to the tune of Deck the Halls)

Heres a vexing Christmas riddle:

(Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la la)

Why must I play second fiddle?

(Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la la)

How can I impress Deanna

(Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la la la)

When Im number two banana?

(Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la la)





Wesley Crusher: (to the tune of God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen)

Im at Starfleet Academy,

And Id just like to say

I miss the opportunity

To weekly save the day–

To make things worse, I have to be

In some dumb Christmas play!

Yes, Im bright, though Im just a teenaged boy,

Only a boy,

And the Enterprise was my most favourite toy!





Data: (to the tune of Jingle Bells)

Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,

Jingle all the way!

Oh, what fun it is to ride

In a one-horse open sleigh–

or so I am reliably informed lacking a subjective

and intuitively perceived referent for the term fun,

I am able only to report the phenomenon as experienced

by others, whose individual perceptions somewhat colour the–

yes, sir.





Worf: (to be to the tune of White Christmas)

Im dreaming of a dead Pakled,

Just like the one in Rec Deck Eight.

They all think theyve hidden,

But this one didnt,

And Im using him as bait.

Im dreaming of a dead Pakled–

Their mental skills are rather lame.

May your foes die sonless, in shame–

And I hope youre wishing me the same!

An elephant is drinking out of a river when he spots a turtle asleep on a log. The elephant ambles over and kicks the unsuspecting turtle clear across the river.



Why did you do that? asks a passing giraffe.



Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 47 years ago.



Wow, what a memory! says the giraffe.



Yes, says the elephant. Turtle recall.

These three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their
fathers are:

The first one says: Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow,
and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow.

The second one says: Ha! You think thats fast! My father is a hunter.
He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet.

The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then
says: You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant.
He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45!