How do crazy people get through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
29
Aug
29
Aug
Saint Peter stood at the Pearly Gates of Heaven as three men stood in line waiting to enter. Saint Peter said to the first man in line, Before I let you in, I have to ask you a question. What was your I.Q.?
The man answered, 180. Saint Peter replied, What were you? A rocket scientist? Yes, sir, the man answered. Okay, go on in, said Saint Peter.
The next man came up to Saint Peter. Peter asked the same question of him. 160, replied the second man. What were you, a brain surgeon? Peter asked the man. Yes, sir. He was allowed in, too.
The third man came forward and was asked the same question. 68, he replied. Well. said Saint Peter. Did you get your deer?
29
Aug
System 7 is like going out on a bad date. Your date is expensive and at
the end of the night you dont even get a good-night kiss.
DOS is like going out with an ugly girl except you know what your up
against, so you can work around it.
Windows is like going out with the same ugly girl but this time she is
wearing make-up.
Linux is like going out with an ugly girl but you tell all your friends
she is pretty.
Unix is like going out with a ugly girl but she is good in bed.
OS/2 is like going out with a beautiful girl but you have to be well
endowed to get anywhere.
NeXT is like going out with a super model only to find out she speaks
another language and only she knows that language.
VMS is like going out with your Mom.
Chicago is like going out on a blind date. All your friends hype her up
and say that she is better than anyone else you have dated but in the end she
turns out to be ugly.
NT is like trying going out with snobby girl. No matter how endowed and
rich you are, it is not enough to get her to go out with you.
29
Aug
The trash can gets taken out once in a while.
28
Aug
Q: How many baby sitters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, They dont make Pampers small enough.
28
Aug
What do cow pies and cowgirls have in common?
The older they get the easier they are to pick up.
28
Aug
28
Aug
Como todas las cosas, también los refranes mexicanos cambian con el tiempo:
Ladrón que roba a ladrón… vive en el Distrito Federal.
La suerte de la fea… a la bonita le vale madre.
Mucho antes cae un hablador… si es cojo.
Más vale prevenir… que amamantar.
Sale más caro el caldo… si lleva albóndigas.
Palo dado… ¡adiós, loquita!
Ojos que no ven… pies que pisan caca.
El que no habla… Dios lo hizo mudo.
La excepción a la regla… dura 9 meses.
En el paÃs de los ciegos… el tuerto se hace güey.
CrÃa cuervos… y tendrás un chingo.
Camarón que se duerme… amanece de coctel.
Ãrbol que crece torcido… se le caen los pajaritos.
De tal palo… nacieron mis hijos.
El que rÃe al ultimo… no entendió el chiste.
28
Aug
El cura del pueblo, sumamente enojado, se queja al rabino:
Alguno de tus feligreses me ha robado la bicicleta.
¿Y por qué crees que ha sido alguno de mis feligreses?
¿Qué católico le va ha robar la bicicleta a un sacerdote?
No sé. Mira, vamos a hacer lo siguiente: yo el sábado y tú el domingo, cuando demos el sermón, hablaremos sobre los diez mandamientos. Seguro que cuando hablemos sobre el No robarás, quien lo haya hecho se arrepentirá y te devolverá la bicicleta.
Asà que quedan de acuerdo en hacer lo antes dicho y reencontrarse el lunes siguiente.
Dime, ¿hiciste lo que pactamos?, pregunta el rabino.
SÃ, fue una gran idea.
¿Te devolvieron la bicicleta?
¡No, que va, pero la he recuperado de todas formas, lo que pasó es que cuando llegué al No fornicarás me acordé‚ en donde estaba la bicicleta!
28
Aug
I was playing golf with my doctor friend one day.
He ALWAYS hit his drives right down the middle of the fairway.
My problem was that I ALWAYS hooked my ball completely off the fairway.
I asked him for help, and he offered to give me a physical to see if he could determine the problem.
Sure enough, he said that I had three times the normal length of the average male, which caused an anomaly in my swing that caused me to hook.
I asked him to help me, and he agreed to do surgery — provided that I didnt play golf for four weeks. I agreed. Golf is just that important to me.
Four weeks later, new body and all, I teed off on the first hole and drove the ball 270 yards right down the middle. Feeling elated, I thanked the doctor.
Then I asked him what had become of the rest of me.
He just smiled, teed his ball, then hit it…
and watched it duck hook two fairways away…