Old and New Jokes

To YOU Im an atheist; to God, Im the Loyal Opposition. –Woody Allen

Impiety: Your irreverence toward my deity. –Ambrose Bierce

If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down. If the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down. If the bulletin covers are in short supply, however, church attendance will exceed all expectations. –Reverend Chichester

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you dont believe? –Quentin Crisp

Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them? –Jules Feiffer

Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and youre going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth. And you should save it for someone you love. –Butch Hancock

Christian Fundamentalism: The doctrine that there is an absolutely powerful, infinitely knowledgeable, universe spanning entity that is deeply and personally concerned about my sex life. –Andrew Lias

God is dead, but fifty thousand social workers have risen to take his place. –Dr J D McCoughey

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. –H.L. Mencken

When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new
bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord, in his wisdom, didnt
work that way. So I just stole one and asked him to forgive me. –Emo Phillips

She said role-playing games were the creation of Satan. Dead
clever of him. I mean, sitting down there in Hell, working out
all the combat tables and everything. I bet he used to really
swear every time the dice caught fire… –Terry Pratchett, Only You Can Save Mankind

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. –Unknown

I used to be an atheist but I gave it up. No holidays. –Unknown

Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to school make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a person a car. –Unknown

The recent spate of funny doctors names forces me
to publish this test that all of you must pass to
remain on dl.humor. If you do not garner a passing
score, you will be automatically purged from the dlist.

Good luck to most of you. To those of you who think
these names are actually funny, I know you will fail
to qualify, and I can look forward to a JUNKMAIL folder
with less deadwood.

After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, Mom, Ive decided to become a minister when I grow up.

Thats okay with us, but what made you decide that?

Well, said the little boy, I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen.

Once there was a kid who loves to kill people. He found Ahouse full of people. He said oh this is a good place to kill these people. Little did he know these people were really stupid. So that night he sneak in the house. hes was in the daughters room she was sleeping. When he went over there she woke up and said stop you are scaring me. Then the kid got hes knife and kill her. After that he went in the family room and saw the rest of the family. When they saw him they all said stop you are scaring me. Then the child got his knike and kill them all. Told you they were stipid Haha

1. Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices.

2. Hey folks, were going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts.

3. Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that its all part of our airlines new commitment to make your a flight a sight seeing extravaganza.

4. Goose! Bogey at 2 oclock….one on our tail!!!! Eject!!!! Eject!!!!!!!

5. Ummmmmm….Sorry……(silence)

6. (As the plane turns around right after takeoff)….uhhhhh….we have to go back ….we ..we ….uhhhhhh ….forgot something…..

7. Im sure everyone noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean well be flying much more efficiently now.

8. Fasten your seat belt. (same tone your friend with the suicidal driving tendencies uses when you get in the car).

9. This is your Captain speaking….these stupid planes are a lot different than the ships Im used to.. so youll have to give me some leeway…

10. It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and watched the in-flight movie.

11. Weve now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and … Oh noooooooo!!!!!..

12. Dont worry! That one is always on E…

13. Get the parachutes ready…

14. Drinks are on me…

15. Ill have what the Captains having…

16. Hey captn take another hit man…

A blonde will screw anyone, a bitch will screw anyone but you.

Era una noche muy fría, el bar tenía algunas pocas mesas ocupadas en los rincones más oscuros del salón.

Una hermosa mujer se acerca felinamente a la barra, se relame el labio superior, le guiña el ojo al barman y lo llama moviendo con languidez los dedos índice y anular de la mano derecha.

Cuando él se acerca, ella le acaricia su tupida y boscosa barba murmurándole al oído:

¿Eres el encargado del bar?

Para ser sincero no, pero…

¿Me lo puedes llamar?, Necesito hablar con él le pide ella deslizando sus manos más allá de su barba y acariciando con dulzura los lóbulos de sus orejas, sus cabellos y haciendo cosquillas alrededor de su incipiente calva.

Lo lamento pero no está. responde el barman, babeando excitado, agrega Pero yo puedo ayudarte en lo que necesites.

Claro que puedes… Necesito que le des un mensaje

Mientras habla con voz dulce, la mujer lleva despacio dos dedos hacia los labios de él acariciándole las encías, metiéndoselos en la boca y dejando que los mordisquee y los chupe con delicadeza. Y finalmente dice:

Por favor, dile que no hay papel higiénico en el baño de mujeres y que me tuve que limpiar el culo con los dedos…

Cash, check or charge? I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.So, do you always carry your TV remote? I asked.No, she replied, but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil legal thing I could do to him.

A woman announces to herfriend that she is getting married for the fourth time.

"How wonderful! But I hopeyou dont mind me asking what happened to your first husband?""He ate poisonous mushrooms and died.""Oh, how tragic! Whatabout your second husband?""He atepoisonous mushrooms, too, and died.""Oh, how terrible! Im almost afraid to ask you about your third husband.""He died of a broken neck.""A broken neck?""He wouldnt eat the mushrooms."

One fine day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.Jim calls out to his golfing partner in an agitated voice, "Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here."Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out, "Whats the matter Jim?"Jim shouts back, "Throw me my 7-iron! You cant get out of here with an 8-iron."