Old and New Jokes

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a mans genitals through his wallet.

–Robin Williams

Knock knock

whose there?

avery

avery who?

aver is a gay homo that liks his dogs butt!

lol lol lol lo lol lol lo

Some Polish people decide to start a chicken farm. They get some chickens and plant them in the ground, headfirst. When all the chickens die, the farmers are somewhat confused, but they dont give up. They get some more chickens, but these are planted feet-first. It takes a little longer, but eventually the second batch of chickens die, too. They decide to write a letter to the Polish agriculture bureau. In the letter they explain in detail the procedures they have followed and their disappointing results. A few weeks later they receive this reply from the bureau: Before we can advise you, please send us a soil sample.

An Irishman went for an interview with one of the major blue chip computer companies.

When the interview was over the interviewer told him that all applicants had to complete a test. The interviewer took a piece of paper and drew six vertical lines in pairs of two on the paper and placed it in front of the Irishman.

Could you please show me a clever way to make this into nine?

After thinking for a while the Irishman took the pencil and drew a canopy of leaves on top of the three pairs of lines, and handed the paper back to the interviewer.

The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: But that is not nine!

Oh yes it is, said the Irishman with a broad Irish accent, Tree + Tree + Tree make nine!

The interviewer handed the paper back to the Irishman and asked him to make it 99.

After thinking for a longer while the Irishman scribbled up and down the trunks and handed the paper back to the interviewer.

The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: But that is not ninety nine!

Oh yes it is, said the Irishman, Dirty tree + dirty tree + dirty tree make ninety nine.

The interviewer was now a bit cheesed off so he decided to do the Irishman once and for all, therefore, he handed the paper back to the Irishman and asked him to make it 100.

After thinking for a considerably longer time the Irishman suddenly grabbed the pencil and drew a little blop (hundelort) on the bottom right hand side of each three and handed the paper back to the interviewer.

The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: But that is not 100!

Oh yes it most certainly is, said the Irishman with a much broader Irish accent, Dirty tree and a turd + dirty tree and turd + dirty tree and a turd make 100!!!

Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering.
 
Whats the matter, Mr. President? The Vice President inquired.
 

 
Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time! The President beamed.
 

 
How long did it take you?
 

 
Well, the box said 3 to 5 Years but I did it in a month!

President George W. Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in
and asks the barman, Isnt that Bush and Powell sitting over there?

The barman says, Yep, thats them.

So the guy walks over and says, Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys
doing in here?

Bush says, Were planning WW III.

And the guy says, Really? Whats going to happen?

Bush says, Well, were going to kill 140 million Iraqis and one blonde with big
tits.

The guy exclaimed, A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?

Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, See, smart ass?! I
told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!

The Lions practice was postponed today after one of the players found an unusual, white substance on the field. FBI field agents were quickly sent in to examine. After extensive research, the substance was found to be the endzone. Practice was then continued, the goverment sure that the Lions would never see it again.

The incredibly dumb

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting please to come out and give himself up.

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle.

He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie.

The genie says, Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes.

The man says Great! I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want.

First, I want one billion dollars in a Swiss bank account.

Poof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand.

He continues, Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here.

Poof! There is a flash of light and a bright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him.

He continues, Finally, I want to be irresistible to women.

Poof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce, and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the picnic table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.

Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich, she said.

I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers. I love mustard. I had no napkin. I licked it off. It was not mustard. No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue. Later (after she stopped crying from laughing so hard) my wife said, Now you know why they call that mustard Poupon.