Old and New Jokes

Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.

Her friend saw this and said, Hey thats a good idea!

What is it that you put over your cigarette?

The other old lady said, Its a condom.

A condom? Where do you get those?

The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms.

The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, What size do you want?

One that would fit a Camel.

Our program,

Who art in memory,

Hello be thy name.

Thy spreadsheets be formatted,

thy code be downloaded,

from disk

as it will be in memory.

Give us on screen

our data spreads,

and forgive us our typos,

as we forgive those who ask that we document.

Lead us not into frustration,

but deliver us from glitches.

For thine is the algorithm,

the application,

and the solution,

looping forever and ever.

Return.

As he drove along the highway, a guy kept seeing billboards with beautiful, tanned people and the words: Visit the Garden of Hedon. His curiosity got the best of him and he turned off the road at the entrance to the place a few miles down the road. He went inside a building marked Registration and saw an attractive woman sitting at a desk.



Exactly what do you do here? he asked.



Its quite simple, said the receptionist. This is a nudist camp. We take off all our clothes and commune with nature.



Cool, said the guy, count me in! So he paid his membership fee, took off his gear and strolled off. As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read, Beware of Gays. A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing: Beware of Gays.



He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze plaque set in the ground. He bent over to read the plaque and it said, Sorry, youve had two warnings!

Two military policemen were chasing a fleeing draftee from the military base. The draftee ran into the courtyard of a convent. He saw a nun seated on a round bench beneath a tree, quietly reading a book.

He said to her, Quick sister, please hide me I dont want to be drafted, and the M.P.s are chasing me!

She lifted up her skirt and said, Quick hide under here.

The two policemen came by and asked if she had seen anyone. She replied, No.

After they left she told the young man to come out and that everything was going to be OK.

He thanked her and said, You have a nice set of legs for a nun!

She replied, If you reach up a little farther youll find a nice set of balls, too. Im not going to be drafted either!

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

Nobody knows. It has never happened.

Excerpts from actual letters sent to landlords

The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.

I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

Good listeners are not only popular everywhere, but after awhile they know something.

DeVriess Dilemma: If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you dont want hits the paper.

Marketing is a foreign language unto itself:

GM cars: Originally sold in Belgium using the slogan, Body by Fisher, which translated as Corpse by Fisher.

The Jotter: A pen made by Parker. In some Latin countries, jotter is slang for jockstrap.

Puffs tissues: In Germany, puff is slang for whorehouse.

Cue toothpaste: Marketed in France by Colgate-Palmolive until they learned that Cue is also the name of a popular pornographic magazine.

Schweppes Tonic Water: The company changed the name from Schweppes Tonic Water to Schweppes Tonica when they learned that in Italian, il water means the bathroom.

The Ford Caliente: Marketed in Mexico, until Ford found out caliente is slang for streetwalker. Ford changed the name to S-22.

The Rolls-Royce Silver Myst: In German, mist means human waste. (Clairols Mist Stick curling iron had the same problem.)

Laying pipe: When the Sumitomo Corporation in Japan developed an extremely strong steel pipe, they hired a Japanese advertising agency to market it in the United States.

Big mistake: The agency named the pipe Sumitomo High Toughness and launched a major magazine advertising campaign using the products initials–SHT–in catchy slogans like SHT–from Sumitomo, and Now, Sumitomo brings SHT to the United States. Each ad ended with the assurance that SHT was made to match its name.

The Big Mac: Originally sold in France under the name Gros Mec. The expression means big pimp in French.

You might be a redneck if you have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard!