Old and New Jokes

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.


The passenger, Bubba, said, Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, its a po-lice roadblock! Were gonna get busted fer drinkin these here beers!!


Dont worry, Bubba, Earl said. Well just pull over and finish drinkin these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat.


What fer? asked Bubba.


Just let me do the talkin, OK? said Earl.


Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead.


When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, You boys been drinkin? ….


No sir, Earl said. Were on the patch.

A guy goes into a supermarket and buys: * one tin of beans * one bag of chips * one pack of burgers * one tub of ice cream * one cake * one case of beer * one pint of milk.

He takes them over to the checkout, and the girl looks at what he has bought and asks if he is single.

The guy replies sarcastically, Yes. However did you guess?

The girl replies: Simple…You are one ugly bastard!

Eclipse e-klips: What an English barber does for a living.

Eyedropper i-drop-ur: A clumsy ophthalmologist.

Heroes hee-rhos: What a guy in a boat does.

Three women, a Brunette, a Red Head, and a Blonde worked together at an office. Every day they noticed that their boss, Ms. Taylor, left work a little early. So one day they met together and decided that when their boss left, they would all leave early too. The next day, when their boss left, they did too. The Brunette went home and straight to bed so could get an early start the next morning. The Red Head went home to get in a quick workout before her dinner date. The Blonde went home, walked into her bedroom, and saw her husband in bed with her boss. So she shut the door and left. The next day, the Brunette and the Red Head talked about going home early again. They ask the Blonde if she wants to leave early again. No, she says, yesterday I nearly got caught!

There are three things a man over 40 should never forget:

Never pass up the opportunity to take a leak. Never trust a fart. Never take a hard-on for granted.

A: None: A Real Woman would have plenty of real men around to do it.

A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along.

Ill never do that again! he told his mother that evening. I didnt catch a thing!

Oh, next time Im sure shell be quiet and not scare the fish away, his mother said.

The boy said, It wasnt that. She ate all the bait.

An Australian Combat Field Engineer Sergeant and a U.S Marine were on exchange duty and were sharing the latrines.

The Aussie Sergeant finished first and walked out without washing his hands. The U.S Marine watched in disgust, finished his squirt, washed his hands and walked up to the Aussie Sergeant and said. In the U.S Marine Corps we were taught to wash our hands after a leak.

The rather large Aussie Sergeant replied, In the Australian Army mate, we were taught not to piss on our hands …!

A delegation from the USA came to Norway, and after the grand reception and everything, asked to be taken to the monument of the unknown soldier.
The hosts became very confused, and didnt know what to do – they had no such thing – they feared a diplomatic incident!
Suddenly – one of the hosts said – follow me! So – desperate as they were – they did – they followed him. Suddenly – they came to a hill, on top of which there was a statue of Sibelius.
Puzzled, everyone asked him what was that supposed to be! and so he explained: Sibelius was very very famous as a composer, but as a soldier – he was completely unknown!

Before anybody decides to correct me if i m wrong – DONT CONFUSE ME WITH FACTS!

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open, exposing one of her breasts.

A nearby policeman approaches her and remarks, Maam, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?

Why, officer? asks the blonde.

Because your blouse is open and your breast is exposed.

Oh my goodness, exclaims the blonde, I left my baby on the bus!