Two diehard golfers are out playing a round when a thunderstorm
comes roaring in. On the third tee, a bolt of lighting comes down
and stikes the golfers dead..

Arriving at those pearly gates, God comes down to talk to
the 2 men.

Sorry, but we made a mistake says God, it seems that it
was not your time to die. Now I can send you back but you have
to go back as someone different, it is just too confusing since
they all ready had the funeral. In fact your wife is already
dating he says to one of the golfers.

After two golfer have a little talk they approach God and
request we decided we want to go back as a couple of
dykes ask the first golfer, good looking dykes if you
please says the second.

I can send you back as dykes replies God but I must
know why you guys want to be dykes

Well we figure if we go back as dykes we still get to
eat pussy says the first golfer, plus we get to tee off
from the womans tee.

Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father.

Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans.
Men: to prepare for paternity, go the local drug store, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper and read it for the last time.
Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their childs sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it – itll be the last time in your life that you will have all of the answers.
To discover how the nights feel, walk around, the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. at 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you cant get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45 am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish finger behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this – all morning.
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas tree. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Puffs and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations, you have just qualified for a place on the playgroup committee.
Forget the Miata and buy a Mini Van. And dont think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars dont look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family-size packet of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. -There!, Perfect!
Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that youve had as much as you can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back in the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
Always repeat everything you say at least five times.
Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child – a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your weeks groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this do not even contemplate having children.
Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Froot Loops and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half of the Froot Loops are gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old baby.
Learn the names of every character from Barney and Friends, Sesame Street and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself singing I love you, you love me at work, now!, you finally qualify as a parent.

Hickory Dickory Dock, An elephant ran up the clock, The clock is being repaired.

A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block of marble; then you chip away everything that doesnt look like an elephant.

Dont call an elephant, he may come!

An ant and an elephant share a night of romance. Next morning the ant wakes up and the elephant is dead. Damn, says the ant, one night of passion and I spend the rest of my life digging a grave!

Tourist guide at zoo: Ladies and gentlemen, this is the elephant, the largest animal to roam the lands. Every day the elephant eats 3 dozen bunches of bananas, 6 tons of hay, and 2000 pounds of assorted fruits. Madam, please dont stand near the elephants backside…. Madam, PLEASE dont stand near the elephants backside … MADAM … MADAM …, too late; George, dig her out.

Getting anything done around here is like mating elephants. Its done on a very high level. Theres a lot of stomping and screaming involved. And it takes two years to get any results.

It says in a book that more than 6000 elephants go each year to make piano keys! Isnt it amazing what elephants can be trained to do!?

Q: What is an Israeli sea captain called?

A: Yom Skipper

In some sections of Miami, Cuban tuffs never ask the tourists what time it is – they just take their watches.

The Englishmans paramour told him she was pregnant, and said, If you do not marry me, I shall kill myself.

Oh I say! replied her lover, You really are a decent sort.

The people of Jamaica are proud of their heritage of mixed blood. The other week, there was a race riot in Kingston, and the majority of the crowd couldnt figure out who to scream at.

A friend of mine, a young Chinese girl, recently opened a restaurant in Columbia. I asked her what she thought of Red China. She said, You have to have the right tablecloth.

An Arab looked at his land. It was barren, not a drop of water or even a cloud in sight.

Allah is good. Allah is great. he intoned. But Allah doesnt know a damn thing about farming.

Large cities such as New York may be melting pots, but some of the inhabitants still remain a lil tuff.

Two Puerto Ricans robbed a bank and were mugged by a group of Russian Mafia on the way to their get-away car.

A woman slipped over the edge of her balcony and landed unconscious on the grass below.

A passing Frenchman commented, Such sottise. Zese Americans are so extravagant. She was probably good for another year or two.

A scientist gets on a train to go to New York. His cabin also has a poor farmer in it. To pass the time the scientist decides to play a game with the guy.
"I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong, you have to pay me 1 dollar. Then you ask me a question, and if I get it wrong, you get 10 dollars. You ask me a question first." The farmer thinks for a while.
"I know. What has three legs, takes 10 hours to climb up a palm tree, and 10 seconds to get back down?" The scientist is confused and thinks long and hard about the question. Finally, the train ride is coming to an end. As it pulls into the station, the scientist takes out 10 dollars and gives it to the farmer.
"I dont know. What has 3 legs, takes 10 hours to get up a palm tree and 10 seconds to get back down?" The farmer takes the 10 dollars and puts it into his pocket. He then takes out 1 dollar and hands it to the scientist.
"I dont know."

Did you hear about the new Jim & Tammy Bakker slogan?

Theres a sucker born again every minute.

Two Texans were having the Blue Plate Special at their favorite truck stop when they heard this awful choking sound. They turned around to see a lady, sitting a few bar stools down from them, turning blue from the Armadillo burger she ate too fast.

The first Texan said to the other, Think we oughtta help?

Yep, reckon so, says the second.

The first Texan gets up, walks over to the lady and asks, Can you breathe?

She shakes her head, no.

Can you speak? he then asks.

She shakes her head, no, again.

With that, he helps her to her feet, lifts up her skirt, and starts to lick her on the butt.

She is so shocked, she coughs up the obstruction and begins to breathe again, with great relief.

The first Texan turns back to his friend and says with a smile, Funny how that Hind Lick Maneuver works every time!

What do you call a dog with no back legs and steel testicles?

SPARKY!!!

You might be a redneck if…
You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.

Why do women pass less gas than men? Because women dont keep their mouths shut long enough to build up pressure!