1. Your salary is less than your tuition.
2. Your potted plants stay alive.
3. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.
4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.
6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.
7. You havent seen a soap opera in over a year.
8. 8:00a.m. is not early.
9. You have to file for your own taxes.
10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
11. Youre not carded anymore.
12. You carry an umbrella.
13. You learn that "Bachelor" is a nicer term for a jackass.
14. "Extended childhood" only really pertains to your salary, which is a little less than your allowance used to be.
15. "Twenty-something" means over-qualified, under-paid, and not married.
16. Your friends marry instead of hook-up, and divorce instead of break-up.
17. You start watching the weather channel.
18. Jeans and baseball caps arent staples in your wardrobe.
19. You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.
20. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
21. You stop confusing 401K plan with 10K run.
22. You go to parties that the police dont raid.
23. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you.
24. You dont know what time Wendys closes anymore.
25. Your car insurance goes down.
26. You refer to college students as kids.
27. You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon, and rum.
A ten year-old Jewish boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis; but to no avail.
Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.
After the first day, the boys parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face. He went straight past them, right to his room and quietly closed the door.
For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.
This pattern of behavior continued until it was time for the first quarters report card. The boy walked in with it unopened, laid it on the dinner table, and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her amazement, she saw a large red A under the subject of Math. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their sons room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.
Was it the nuns that did it? the father asked. The boy shook his head and said, No.
Was it the one-to-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring? No. The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum? No, said the son.
On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy nailed to the Plus Sign, I KNEW they meant business!
Late Nite Jokes heard on T.V.
There is now a $5 million dollar bounty on Osama bin Laden. Which marks the first time in history there has ever been a bounty on a guys head who wears Bounty on his head.
— Jay Leno
We are starting to learn more about Osama bin Laden. For his birthday one year, somebody gave him a $4 Timex. We know that. He is married to the daughter of a guy named Mullah Muhammed Omar. I think her name is Tiffany Omar. Insiders say that the marriage is not working out. Apparently they are living in separate caves.
— David Letterman
It looks like now the military action is taking effect. They think that bin Ladens organization is starting to break down. Today satellite photos actually show the sand fleas are leaving his beard.
— David Letterman
There are now rumors that the Taliban has been poisoning the food we have been dropping. We should make a deal with the people of Afghanistan. Well taste your food, you check our mail.
— Jay Leno
People are wondering what will happen to Afghanistan when were finished fighting there. Im sure there are plans to rebuild the country, and a lot of times with rebuilding comes a name change. These are some possible name changes the government has been mulling over: Halfghanistan, Pothole-istan, Jenniferanistan, Assbackwardstan, Bye-bye-Talibanstan, Ass-Kicked-istan.
— Jay Leno
Everybody is talking about finding bin Laden. How about finding Dick Cheney? Where did he go? What have we got caves over here now, too? Where did he go? I think his Secret Service code name is Waldo.
— Jay Leno
We are getting more and more insight into the life of Osama bin Laden. Today the Saudi Arabian ambassador to the United States said that bin Laden had an unhappy childhood growing up, 52 brothers and sisters. You think his childhood was unhappy, wait til we deliver his mid-life crisis.
— Jay Leno
There are reports on the news tonight that members of the Taliban feel persecuted and fear their own safety. So now they know what it is like to feel like a woman in their country.
— Jay Leno
Q: How can you steal the window seat of a blonde on a plane going to London?
A: Tell her all the seats that are going to London are in the middle row.
Q. Whats the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
A. Location of the dirt bag.
Q: How did the Germans conquer Poland so fast?
A: They marched in backwards and the Polish thought they were leaving!
Now read:
Lesser Known Sequels of the Classics
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Metamorphosis II
Gregor Samsa goes through another mystical transformation,
this time from a giant cockroach into a lounge singer. The
few people who still felt any compassion for him are now
totally repulsed, and he moves away to Vegas.
Taming of the Shrew II: Whos the Shrew?
The antics begin when Petruchio and Katherines daughter
Bianca (named after her aunt) comes of age and turns out to
be quite a shrew herself. Katherine at first tries to convince
her daughter that good manners are the right way, then turns
back to shrewishness herself to show her daughter how
unattractive it can be. This all builds to the hilarious
climactic scene, where Petruchio beats them both into
submission with an ax handle.
Huck Finn II
Huck has grown up and propspered as a certified public
accountant. He decides he likes civilzation after all, though
he never does take to wearing shoes, thus his nickname, the
barefoot bookkeeper. Jim leaves the Indians and gets his
law degree, and eventually defends the King and Duke who are
up on a racketeering charge.
Lysistrata II
Once again, Lysistrata convinces the women of Athens to
boycott sex, this time to convince the men not to lay around
and watch wrestling on Sundays. Cinesias tries to convince
Myrrhine to lie with him while watching wrestling, but she
teases him and then refuses. Some of the men try goats, but
decide they dont like them. Eventually the men give in.
The Farther Adventures of Robinson Crusoe
Robinson Crusoe uses the money he inherited from the
Brazilian plantation to start up a small cruise company. One
day while taking out five passengers on a three hour tour to
the Isle of Wight, a storm breaks out. He and his first mate
Friday (a mighty sailing man) do their best, but lose control
of the boat. Eventually, it crashes on a deserted island.
The rest of the book describes the antics that occur when
they almost get rescued several times, but Friday screws it
up each time.
Undeath of a Salesman
Willy Loman comes back from the dead as a vampire. His
hypnotic control over his customers reestablishes his life
as a salesman. He convinces Biff (no relation to B1FF) to
go into professional football, where he becomes a big star
but loses respect for his father when he does an advertizement
for nylons.
The Divine Tragedy
In this controversial sequel, Dante travels through New
York City, Billings (Montana), and Salt Lake City. The
controversy is over the origin. Joseph Smith claimed that
Dante dictated this book to him in dreams, which literary
critics have shown a lot of skepticism about.
The Bible II
Of the Dead Sea Scrolls, these were the only ones that
were deliberately lost. They recount the tale of how Jesus
descended back out of Heaven and became a lounge singer.
Even his staunchest followers deserted him for this, and
when Peter finally left he moved to Vegas and got a regular
gig at the Tropicana changing water into wine.
Two lobsters were sunbathing on the beach.
The girl lobster suggested that the boy lobster go get them an ice cream cone.
Having purchased two cones, Mr Lobster made his way back to the beach, deciding on the way to eat his ice cream. By the time he had finished the ice cream, he realized that his girlfriends had started to melt all down his claw, so he licked it up and ended up eating it too.
When he arrived back at the beach Ms Lobster exclaimed Wheres my ice cream cone?
Well, he said. I decided to eat mine, then yours melted so I ate that too.
She was incensed and cried You shellfish bastard!!
Johnny had just received his brand new drivers license. The family goes out to the driveway and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the new driver.
Ill bet youre back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive, says the beaming boy to the his dad.
Nope, comes dads reply, Im gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like youve been doing to me all these years!