Old and New Jokes

There were three little babies sitting next to each other in shopping carts in the grocery store check-out line.

The first little baby says, Ugh, look at this – my mom just bought strained plums!

The second baby says, You think thats bad – my mom just bought strained peas!

And the third baby says… You think you guys got it bad?

How would you like to share a breast with a guy that smokes cigars!

Every day a 4th grade boy walks home from school past a 4th grade girls house. One day he is carrying a football, and he stops to taunt the little girl. He holds up the football and says See this football? Football is a boys game and girls cant have one! The little girl runs in the house crying and tells her mother about the encounter. She runs out and buys the girl a football.

The next day the boy is riding home on his bike, and the girl shows him the football, yelling Nah na nah na nah. The little boy gets mad and points to his bike. See this bike? This is a boys bike, and girls cant have them!

Next day, the boy comes by and the little girl is riding a new boys bike. Now he is really mad. So he drops his pants, points at his most private of parts, and says You see THIS? Only BOYS have these and your mother cant go buy you one!

The next day as he passes the house he asks the little girl Well, what do you have to say NOW? So she pulls up her dress and says…

My mother told me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of THOSE as I want!

• A mother may hope that her daughter will get a better husband that she did, but she knows her son will never get as good a wife as his father did.

• Proud father to mother as they watched their small son lying on the sloor studying by the light from the TV screen. Reminds you of Abe Lincoln, doesnt it?

• Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when hes really in trouble.

• Garbage is a collection of refuse items, the taking out of which Mom assigns to a different family member each week, then winds up doing herself.

• Last year I got my wife a mothers day gift that left her speechless. In fact, she didnt speak to me for three weeks.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Marvin!
Marvin who?
Marvin I wonderful!

Q: How many Hobbits does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 1 to complain that the lightbulb isnt working, 5 to hold a meeting to decide what to do about it, 20 to form an expedition to the fabled Lightbulb Mines of Mythrill, 30 to throw a going-away party, 1 to ask Gandalf for directions, 1 to sell into slavery when the directions arent stuck to, and they end up in entirely the wrong part of the country, and ready cash runs low, 5 get lost through natural wastage (bandits, murderers, monsters, etc,) 1 to be thrown to the Dragon that guards the Lightbulb hoarde, 1 to be thrown to the dragon to cover the retreat, 2 to carry the box of lightbulbs, 5 to find a large, sword-wielding barbarian to escort them home with the lightbulbs, another 30 to throw a safe-return party, 5 to get rid of the barbarian, who in typical style, got drunk at the party, 5 to find an Elf in the neighbourhood tall enough to change the lightbulb, one elf, and 5 to compose ballads of derring-do, heroism, sacrifice and lightbulbs. A grand total of 118.

Una pareja de novios ya muy viejitos llegan a una farmacia y el viejito le pregunta al encargado:

¿Tiene medicina para la artritis?

Sí.

¿Y para la úlcera?

Sí.

Y así sigue preguntando por todo tipo de enfermedades propias de la tercera edad, hasta que al final pregunta:

¿Y tiene viagra?

Sí.

Entonces el viejito le dice a la viejita:

Vieja, ¿cómo ves si cuando nos casemos, ponemos aquí la mesa de regalos?

A blond was rollerblading with her headphones on. she stopped in the hair salon and asked for a hair cut. she instructed that the hair stylist could not take off the headphones.

the stylist replied no so the blond left. she went to a different hair salon and said the same thing. the stylist replied ok.

after a while, the blond fell asleep in the chair. the stylist took off the headphones and the blonde died on the spot. confused at what happened, the stylist put on the headphones. they were saying, breath in, breath out

It is when you trip over your own shoes that you start picking up shoes.

The secret of success is sincerity.
Once you can fake that youve got it made.

Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath.

Just as he became comfortable, the doorbell rang.

The man got out of the tub, put on his slippers and robe and went to the door.

A salesman at the door wanted to know if he needed any brushes.

Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath.

The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and robe, and the man started for the door again. He took one step, slipped on a wet spot, fell backward, and hit his back against the hard porcelain bathtub.

Cursing under his breath, the man struggled into his street clothes and with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor.

After examining him, the doctor said, You know, youve been lucky.

Nothing is broken. But you need to relax…

Why dont you go home and take a long hot bath?