Little Herbie had been blind since birth. One day at bedtime, his mother told him that the next day was a very special one. If he prayed extra hard, hed be able to see when he woke up in the morning.
The next morning she came into Herbies room to make sure hed prayed hard the night before.
Well then, open your eyes and youll know that your prayers have been answered.
Little Herbie opened his eyes, only to cry out, Mother! Mother! I still cant see!
I know, dear, said his mother. April Fool!
Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up. Finkelstein looks around and asks, So, whos gonna tell his wife? They cut cards. Goldberg picks the two of clubs and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, dont make a bad situation any worse. Discreet? Im the most discreet person youll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me. Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment and knocks on the door. The wife answers thru the door and asks what he wants? Goldberg declares: Your husband just lost $500 in a Poker game and is afraid to come home. Tell him to drop dead! yells the wife. Ill go tell him. says Goldberg.
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horses mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horses neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horses pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground,she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.
Una pareja disfruta su noche de bodas. El novio le susurra a la novia:
Mi amor, de hoy en adelante te voy a llamar Eva, porque eres la primera mujer desnuda que veo en mi vida.
Con indiferencia, la novia le contesta:
Entonces, desde hoy en adelante te voy a llamar Peugeot, porque eres el 306.
Un tÃo al que le acaba de tocar la loterÃa, decide ir a comprarse un cochazo para presumir delante de los amigos. Asà que se va a la casa Mercedes y se dirige con un empleado:
Buenas, querrÃa comprar el coche más lujoso que tengan.
¡Perfecto! Pues mire, aquà tiene el ZR, un nuevo modelo que acaba de salir y que tiene de todo: 400 caballos, asientos de cuero transpirable y calefactables, interior de titanio y madera noble, nevera, DVD, ordenador, GSM etc. ¡Y lo mejor de todo, es que cuando tiene una averÃa, él mismo se para en el arcén de la carretera y toma las medidas necesarias para solucionarla, todo sin necesitar su intervención!
¡Joder, macho, no habÃa oÃdo nunca nada similar! ¡Nada, nada, me lo quedo!
Total que el individuo sale con su flamante coche nuevo y se dirige a casa para enseñárselo a su familia; cuando a 200 metros del concesionario el coche pone el intermitente derecho, se para en el arcén y empieza a abrir y cerrar rápidamente todas las puertas. El tÃo se queda flipado, y muy enfadado:
¡Y ahora qué leches pasa! ¡Joder, qué mala suerte, a 200 metros y ya se ha estropeado! ¡MENUDA MIERDA DE COCHE ME HAN VENDIDO!
En eso se oye una voz del ordenador de a bordo:
(Bip) Oye, que para mierdas, el pedo que te has tirado ¿eh? ¡SO GUARRO!
This guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine.
Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender
looks around and says: You aint from around here, are ya… where ya
from, boy?
The guy says, Im from Iowa.
The bartender asks, What th hell you do in Iowa?
The guy responds, Im a taxidermist.
The bartender asks, A taxidermist… now just what th hell is a
taxidermist?
The guy says I mount animals.
The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, Its OK boys, hes
one of us!
Yo mamas so poor she wears her McDonalds uniform to church
Yo mamas so poor, I walked into her house and swatted a fly, she yelled Hey whered grandma go?!?!?!
Yo mamas so poor when I went to her house and asked to use the bathroom, she said Two trees to your left
Yo mamas so poor when she heard about the last supper, she thought she ran out of food stamps.
A supply of Viagra was stolen last night, police are looking for two hardened criminals and they can expect stiff sentences when caught!
Little Susie was Mommys helper. She helped set the table when company was due for dinner. Soon, everything was on, Mr. Smythe the guest came in, and everyone sat down.
Then Mother noticed something was missing….
Susie, dear, she said, You didnt put a knife and fork at Mr. Smythes place.
But, Mommy, I thought he wouldnt need them, explained Susie. Daddy says he always eats like a horse!
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no
lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted & the
horse immediately springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady & rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to
slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horses mane, but
cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the
horses neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse
gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try &
throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in
the stirrup & she is now at the mercy of the horses pounding hooves as
her head is struck against the ground again & again. As her head is
battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness
when……..
the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.