Old and New Jokes

If you stare at someone long enough, eventually youll get what you want.
When it comes to having sex, if at first you dont succeed… BEG!
Dont go out without ID.
Leave room in your schedule for a good nap
Always give people a friendly greeting… a cold nose in the crotch is effective.
If its not wet and sloppy… its not a good kiss…

Guy walks into a bar, sits downs and starts to make conversation with guy at next table. Want to hear the worldss worst Polish Joke?

#2 says Sure, but before you tell it, let me tell you something. See those two bikers over there by the door-real mean motherfuckers-??? Theyre Polish. And those two bouncers by the bar? Theyre Polish too! The Bartender?? Polish!! And one more thing pal, Im Polish too!!! Now….. still want to tell that joke?

Hell no!, replies #1, I dont want to have to explain it 6 times!

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, But we dont know anything about each other.He said, Thats all right, well learn about each other as we go along.So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. One morning they were laying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out
and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.She said, That was incredible!He said, I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you wed learn more about ourselves as we went along!So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.He said, That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?No. she said, I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal.

How do you tell the difference between male chromosomes and female chromosomes?

Pull down their genes!

A blonde and a brunette were sitting on the park bench when the brunette said, My boyfriend used to have dandruff but then I gave him head and shoulders.

The blonde said, How do you give a man shoulders?

Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their











lovers (Rascal, Dumbass ,Bobby) happened to be at the funeral home at the











same time,











and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.











The first man (Rascal) said, My Benny loved to fly, so Im going up











in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky.











The second man (Dumbass) said, My Carl was a good fisherman, so Im











going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake.











The third man (Bobby) said, My Jim was such a good lover, I think











Im











going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my











ass up just one more time.

During a propaganda tour, President Bush visits a school to explain his politics to kids. He invites the kids to ask him questions. Bobby stands up and tells him Mr. President, I got 3 questions:

1. How come, that although the count of votes was not in your favor, you still won the election?
2. Why do you want to attack Iraq without an imminent reason?
3. Dont you also consider the bombing of Hiroshima the biggest terrorist attack of all times?

Before the president can answer, the recess bell rings, and the kids leave the room. After they came back, Bush invited them again to ask questions. Joey stands up and tells him Mr. President, I got 5 questions:

1. How come, that although the count of votes was not in your favor, you still won the election?
2. Why do you want to attack Iraq without an imminent reason?
3. Dont you also consider the bombing of Hiroshima the biggest terrorist attack of all times?
4. Why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early?
5. Wheres Bobby?

Q: Whats dumber than a redhead and a brunette trying to build a house underwater?

A: A blonde trying to set fire to it.

You Know Youve Had Too Much Holiday Cheer When….



1. You notice your tie sticking out of your fly.

2. Someone uses your tongue for a coaster.

3. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.

4. You see your underwear hanging from the chandelier.

5. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.

6. You strike a match and light your nose.

7. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.

8. You hear someone say, Call a priest!

9. You hear a duck quacking and its you.

10. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.

11. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.

12. You tell everyone you have to go home… and the partys at your place.

13. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.

14. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room… and realize youre in front of the hall mirror.

15. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.

16. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.

18. Youre at the dinner table and you ask the hostess to pass a bedpan.

19. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.

20. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.

21. You realize youre the only one under the coffee table

What did the Jewish chicken say when he eat the fish?

Yum kipper!!!!!!!