Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have conclusive proof! After
countless hours of surveys and studies on the following topics, these facts have
emerged.
Relationships
First, a man does not call a relationship a relationship – he refers to it as a
romance, or a period of dating, of going out, or, in some unfortunate
circumstances, that time when me and Suzie was doing it on a semi-regular
basis.
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her
girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled All Men Are Morons. Then she
will get on with her life.
A man has a little more trouble letting go. For six months, his ex may not hear
from him, but then, at three on Saturday night/Sunday morning, he will call and
say I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and Ill never forgive
you, and I hate you, and youre a total bitch. But I want you to know theres
always a chance for us.
This is known as the I Hate You/I Love You drunken phone call. Ninety nine
percent of all men past the age of 21 have made this call at least once. Some
men make a career of these calls. There are community colleges that offer
extension courses to help men get over this need; alas these classes rarely
prove effective.
Sex
Women prefer 30 to 45 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30 to 45 seconds of
foreplay, less if at all possible. For the man, driving back to her place is
considered a part of foreplay.
Maturity
Women mature at a much faster rate than men. Most 17-year-old females can
function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and
giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances
rarely work.
Hats
Women look good in hats; men look like idiots.
Groceries
A woman knows how to shop for groceries. She makes a list of things she needs,
and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man does not shop on a
frequent basis. He waits until the only items left in his refrigerator are an
opened can of Schlitz and half a lime. Then he goes grocery shopping.
A man buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout
counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampetts car on The Beverley
Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10 items or
less lane.
Magazines
Mens magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies. Womens magazines also
feature pictures of naked ladies. This is because the female body is a beautiful
work of art, while the male body is hairy and lumpy and should not be seen by
the light of day.
Handwriting
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary, and they dot their is
with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their ps and
gs. It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when shes dumping
you, shell put a smiley face at the end of the note.
Comedy
Lets say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and
an episode of the Three Stooges comes on. Immediately, the men will get very
excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of
Curly, mans favorite Stooge. The women will roll their eyes and groan and wait
it out.
Bathrooms
A man has 6 items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream,
razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number
of items in a typical American womens bathroom is 437. A man would not be able
to identify most of these items.
Restrooms
Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as social
lounges. Men in a restrooms will never speak a word to each other. Women whove
never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. And never in
the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by
saying, Hey, Tots, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?
Going Out
When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a
woman says shes ready to go out, it means that she will be ready, as soon as
she finds her other earring, makes one phone call and finishes putting on her
makeup.
Cats
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women arent looking, men kick
cats.
Shoes
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip
into Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks.
When she arrives at work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later,
she will kick them off because her feet are under her desk. A man will wear one
pair of shoes for the entire day.
Leg Warmers
Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if shes walking the dog or doing the
dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants. A
man can only ear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the Gimme the Ball
number in A Chorus Line.
Mirrors
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror. Women are
ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface –
mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiolas head…
Menopause
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated
emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of the
changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform
reaction. He buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving
gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.
The Telephone
Men see the telephone as a communications tool. They use the telephone to send
short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks,
and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for
three hours.
Offspring
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist
appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods
and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the
house.
Time
When a woman says shell be ready to go out in five more minutes, shes using
the same meaning of time as when a man says the football gamess just got five
minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.
Low Blows
Lets say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television, and one
of the fighters is felled by a low blow. The woman says Oh, gee, that must
hurt. The man doubles over and actually feels pain.
Directions
If a woman is out driving and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she
will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a
sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in
a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, Looks like Ive found a
new way to get there, and, I know Im in the neighborhood. I recognize that
White Hen store.
Admitting Mistakes
Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted that he
was wrong was General George Custer.
Richard Gere
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard
Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works out at the health club
and dates only married women.
Madonna
Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.
Dressing Up
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage,
answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings,
funerals.
Nicknames
With the exception of female body-builders, who call each other names like
Ultimate Pecs and Big Turk, women eschew the use of nicknames. If Gloria,
Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other
Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Dirk, Clint, and Jack go out
for a brewski, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head,
Godzilla, Peanut-Brain, and Useless.
Eating Out
… and when the check comes, Mike, Dirk, Clint, and Jack will each throw in $20
bills, even though its only for $22.50. None of them will have anything
smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get
their check, out come the pocket calculators.
Toys
Little girls love to play with toys. Then, when they reach the age of 11 or 12,
they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get
older, their toys simply become more expensive and impractical. Examples of mens
toys: miniature TVs, car phones, complicated juicers and blenders, graphic
equalizers, small robots the serve cocktails on command, video games, and
anything that blinks, beeps and requires at least six D batteries to operate.
Plants
A woman will ask a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man
will water the plants. The woman returns five days later, to an apartment full
of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.
Mustaches
Some men look good with mustaches. Those men are Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds.
There are no women who look good with mustaches.
David Letterman
Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the earth. Women
think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.
Cameras
Men take photography very seriously. Theyll shell out $4000 for state-
of-the-art equipment, and build darkrooms, and take photography classes. Women
purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course women always end up taking better
pictures.
Locker Rooms
In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and women.
They exaggerate about money, they dont know football nearly as well as they
think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one
thing in the locker room – sex. Not in abstract terms, either. They are
extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.
Laundry
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing
he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago,
before he will do the laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a
dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to
the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat, but
this is only a myth perpetuated by old reruns of Love American Style.
Politics
Men love to talk about politics, but they often forget to do political things
such as voting. Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedys is
growing up and getting into politics, because they will be able to campaign for
them and cry on election night.
Weddings
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about the ceremony. Men talk about
the bachelor party.
Cheerleaders
Female cheerleaders are cute, sexy, fresh, and all-American. Male cheerleaders
are scary.
Socks
Men are sensible about socks. They wear argyle socks or standard white
sweatsocks. Women wear strange socks. Socks with pictures of clouds on them.
Socks cut way below the ankles. Socks with little fuzzy balls on the back.
Underwear
Colored underwear. Women are allowed, in fact encouraged, to wear colored
underwear. There is no reason for a man to ever, ever, wear anything besides
solid white.
Garages
Women use garages to park their cars and to store their lawnmowers. Men use
garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in
garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.
Movies
For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivian Leigh
for the first time in Gone With The Wind. For men, its when Jimmy Cagney
shoves a grapefruit in Mae Clarks face in Public Enemy.
Nudity In Movies
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is
because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The
only actor who has ever appeard nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is
another reason why men hate him.
Jewelry
Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one
ring, and thats it. Any more than that, and he will look like a lounge singer
named Vic.
Sport Arenas
Simply put, men can always find their way around stadiums and arenas. The women
usually end up following men.
Conversation
Men need a good disagreement to get talking, e.g., Wow, great movie., What
are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that size., Well, maybe he got it
because he knew about those Mafia guys, etc. Women, not having this problem,
try to initiate conversations with men by saying something agreeable: That
garden by the roadside looks lovely. Mm hmm. Pause. That was a good
restaurant last night, wasnt it? Yeah. Pause. And so on.
Friends
Women on a girls night out talk the whole time. Men on a boys night out say
about twenty words all night, most of which are Pass the Doritos or Got any
more beer?