Old and New Jokes

You might be a redneck if…
You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.

On the first day of creation, God created the cat.

On the second day, God created man to serve the cat.

On the third, God created all the animals of the earth to serve as potential food for the cat.

On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the cat.

On the fifth day, God created the sparkle ball so that the cat might or might not play with it.

On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the cat healthy and the man broke.

On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but he had to scoop the litterbox.

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, Ive got to take you in, pal. Youre obviously drunk.Our wasted friend asked, Officer, are ya absolutely sure Im drunk?Yeah, buddy, Im sure, said the copper. Lets go.Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled.

Están una pareja de recién casados en su noche de bodas, y el novio decide que se va a desnudar poco a poco, lo que a la novia le parece estupendo.

Empieza quitándose la camisa, y la novia le dice: Pepe, qué brazos, qué espalda, qué pecho., son ¡¡PURA DINAMITA!!.

Pepe, cada vez más entusiasmado, se quita los pantalones, y la novia le vuelve a decir:

Pepe qué vientre, qué piernas., son ¡¡PURA DINAMITA!!.

Pepe no cabía en sí de gozo ante la expectación de su novia, se quita los slips y se vuelve de espalda a la novia, y ésta le dice: Pepe, que culo, es ¡¡PURA, PURA. DINAMITA!!, pero Pepe, date la vuelta por Dios.

Entonces Pepe se da la vuelta y la novia le dice: Pepe, ¡qué poca mecha para tanta dinamita!

A 7 year old boy and his 4 year old brother are upstairs in their bed room. The 7 year old is explaining that it is high time that the two of them begin swearing. When his little brother responds enthusiastically, the 7 year old says, When we go down stairs for breakfast this morning, Ill say Hell and you say ass. The 4 year old happily agrees.



As the two boys are seating themselves at the breakfast table, their Mother walks in and asks her older son what he would like to eat for breakfast. The 7 year old replies, Ah hell, mom, Ill just have some Cheerios.



WHACK! The surprised mother reacts quickly. The boy runs upstairs, bawling and rubbing his behind. With a sterner voice, the mother then asks the younger son, And what would YOU like for breakfast? I dont know, the 4 year old blubbers, but you can bet your ass its not gonna be Cheerios.

A woman had been married three times and was still a virgin. Somebody asked her how that could be possible.

Well, she said. The first time I married an octogenarian and he died before we could consummate the marriage.

The second time I married a naval officer and war broke out on our wedding day.

The third time I married a Microsoft Windows programmer and he just sat on the edge of the bed and kept telling me how good it was going to be.

I was at this restaraunt the other day and I saw this fat oriental lady
and I said to myself that aint no chink thats a damn chunk!

Top 10 Benefits of a White House Internship

First-hand knowledge of domestic affairs

Pay is lousy, but the hush money is great

Gives new meaning to MTV slogan Rock the Vote

Observe the Presidents commitment to young people
first hand

Learn intricacies of statutory rape law

Have President chase around desk brandishing his
subpoena

President tells you he really wants you on his staff

Try out JFKs legendary rocking chair

Have President introduce you to his special
investigator

Find out what a politician means when he says hes
been polling his constituents

These two nuns are out for a walk when two men grab them, drag them into a
dark alley, and start raping them.
One nun, seeing their plight, says Forgive them Father, for they know not
what they do.
So the other nun says, Shut up! This one does!

Even a blind squirrel finds a nut now and then.