Old and New Jokes

Why wasnt Jesus born in Italy?

– They couldnt find three wise men and a virgin!

In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years. Early one morning, an angel apppeared before the statues and said, “Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I herby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire.” And with that command, the statues came to life, smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes.
The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, “You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?”
The male statue looked at the female and asked, “Do you want to do it again?” Smiling, the female statue said, “Sure. But This time you hold the pigeon down and Ill shit on its head.”

Day1:
A blonde comes home from school and says to her mum,We learned how to count up to 5 today mummy. I got up to 10. Is it because Im blonde, mummy?
Mum replies: yes dear

Day 2:
We learned how to do the alphabet today mummy. The others only got up to E and I got up to S. Is it because Im blonde, mummy?
Mum replies: yes dear

Day 3:
We learned about breasts today mummy. All the other girls are flat chested and Im a 36DD. Is it because Im blonde, mummy?
Mum replies: No dear, its because your 25.

WOMEN SEEKING MEN Classifieds translations

Spiritual means: Involved with a cult

Stable means: Boring

Tall, thin means: Anorexic

What do you call lice on a bald mans head?

Homeless.

You might be a rednack if…

Youve ever re-used a paper plate.

Smith and Wesson attended your wedding without an invitation and there was nothing you could do about it.

When you hear someone talking about the king you dont know whether theyre talking about Elvis or Richard Petty.

You complain about the ban on assault weapons because it make half your guns illegal.

You use a pig for a garbage disposal.

You cant go to church this year because your Sunday socks are being used as the trucks gas cap.

You think the vowels are E..I..E..I..O.

You clean your car or truck out with a leaf blower.

Your tackle box contains dynamite and blasting caps.

You have the policeman hold your beer while you get your license.

You gave your young son a super-soaker water gun and an NRA application for his birthday.

You smoke during your deer hunt after scent-proofing yourself all month.

A tornado goes through your trailers yard and makes it look neater.

Youve got to shuck your toilet paper before you use it.

You have an autographed picture of Bob Barker in your wallet.

You think Meals on Wheels is another name for roadkill.

You spell fertilizer with only 4 letters.

You shot your own 12 point coat rack.

Youve ever slam-shifted a tractor.

yo mamas so fat she walked in front of the tv and i missed 2 commercials

yo mamas so stupid she thought a NFL quarterback was a refund

yo mamas so poor she was kickin a can down the street i asked her what she was doing and she said moving

jo mamas so fat she saw a school bus and chased it thinking it was a twinkie

your mamas so fat she got baptised at sea world

yo mamas so fat she tripped over k mart stumbled over walmart and landed right on target

yo mamas so fat she made my truck a low rider

Q: How can a pregnant woman tell that shes carrying a future lawyer?

A: She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.

Q: How does an attorney sleep?

A: First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

Q: How many lawyer JOKES are there?

A: Only three — the rest are TRUE.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: How many can you afford?

Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.

Q: If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

Q: What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?

A: Skeet.

Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?

A: Senator.

Q: What do you get when you cross a corrupt politician with a crooked lawyer?

A: Chelsea Clinton.

Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?

A: His partners.

Q: What does a lawyer use for birth control?

A: His personality.

Q: What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?

A: Nothing — There are some things even a pig wont do.

Q: Whats the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

1) The lawyer gets frequent-flyer miles.

2) Removable wing tips.

Q: Whats the difference between God and a lawyer?

A: God doesnt think hes a lawyer.

Q: Why does California have the most lawyers in the country and New Jersey the most toxic waste sites?

A: New Jersey got first choice.

-=} Randall {=- 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

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If H2O is on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?

K9P.

A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds.

Excuse me, he said, have you lost something?

No, replied one of the doctors. Were doing a heart transplant for an IRS agent and want to find a suitable rock.