Old and New Jokes

Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?

A: Unique up on him.

Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?

A: Tame way, unique up on him.

A farmer needed to make some quick money, so he gave a duck to each of his three sons and sent them off to the city to sell the ducks. The oldest son was quite the salesman, and he talked an old lady into paying ten dollars for his duck. The middle son was not as sharp as his older brother, but he was still able to get five dollars for his duck from a young housewife. The youngest son was rather stupid, and he also had a speech impediment. The first person he encountered in town was a prostitute, so he asked her, Would you like to buy a duck? Because he slurred his words, the prostitute misunderstood what he said. She thought he had said, Would you like to buy a f**k? Remembering how hard it was when she was just starting out, she took pity on him, and decided to take him up on the offer. She told him, Ill pay you one buck. He agreed, and attempted to give her his duck. The prostitute set the duck aside, took off the boys clothes, made love to him, and handed him a dollar bill. This was the first time the youngest son had ever had sex, and he really enjoyed it, so he asked the prostitute, Can we do that again? She responded, Well, I am a professional myself, so Im not going to pay you again. But I would be willing to do it if you paid me a dollar. So the boy handed back the dollar bill, and they had sex again. When they were done the prostitute put the boys clothes back on him, put the duck under his arm, and sent him on his way. He started to cross the street, and a bus was heading right towards him. The driver honked the horn and slammed on the brakes. The boy dropped the duck and jumped out of the way just in time. As the bus skidded to a stop, it ran over the duck. The bus driver got out to make sure the boy was alright. Are you okay, son? he asked the boy. The youngest son replied, Im fine, but you ran over my duck, and its ruined. My father is going to be really mad at me, because I was supposed to sell it

101. Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?

A: Tell her shes pregnant.

102. Q: How do blondes get pregnant?

A: And you thought blondes were dumb.

103. Q: What will she ask you?

A: Is it mine?

104. Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up?

A: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.

105. Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?

A: To see what was on the other side.

106. Q: What do you do when a blonde throes a hand grenade at you?

A: Pull the pin and throw it back.

107. Q: Why do Blondes take the pill?

A: So they know what day of the week it is.

108. Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill?

A: Because it kept falling out.

109. Q: But why do brunettes take the pill ?

A: Wishful Thinking.

110. Q: Why did the blonde have a sore navel?

A: Because her boyfriend was also blond!

111. Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?

A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.

112. Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?

A: Her IQ goes up!

113. Q: Whats five miles long and has an IQ of forty?

A: A blonde parade.

114. Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?

A: You dont lend the Porsche out to your friend.

115. Q: What is the difference between butter and a blonde?

A: Butter is difficult to spread.

116. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?

A: You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.

A2: There is no difference. Theyre both round and have three holes to poke.

117. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and The Titanic?

A: They know how many men went down on The Titanic.

118. Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?

A: Bigfoot has been spotted.

119. Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a telephone?

A: It costs 30 cents to use a telephone.

120. Q: Whats the difference between a blonde girl and a blond guy?

A: The blonde has the higher sperm count.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Lime!
Lime who?
Lime bean!

A wife arriving home after a shopping trip, was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words.

Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didnt wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wear because the color didnt suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you dont fit into anymore.

Then, as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, Is there anything else that your wife doesnt use anymore? ….

….So, here we are!

Pepillo tenía hongos en los pies y un amigo le dijo que él sabía como quitárselos; sólo tenía que ir a cuatro casas y tocar, y cuando le preguntaran ¿quién es? decirles hongos en los pies y así los hongos se les pasarían a los que vivían en esas casas y se le quitarían a él.

Así que Pepillo va a la primera casa y toca y cuando preguntan ¿quién es? responde hongos en los pies y sale corriendo a madres. Luego va a su segunda casa y toca y preguntan ¿quién es? hongos en los pies y así hasta completar las cuatro. Y cuando ya está de regreso en su casa se quita el zapato y el calcetín y ve que ya no tiene hongos en los pies.

En eso tocan a la puerta de su casa y pensando que le puedan hacer lo mismo, dice: ¿Qué rollo?

Y le responden: Almorranas en el hoyo.

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.



Would you mind telling me, Doctor, she asked, how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?



Thats easy, he replied. You ask them a simple question which everyone should be able to answer with no trouble. If they hesitate, that puts you on the right track.



What sort of question would you ask Doctor?



Well, you might ask them…

Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them.

Which one?



The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh –

You wouldnt happen to have another example would you?

I must confess I dont know much about history.

(DOH!)

A guy goes into a bar and goes up to the bartender. He says I bet you 200 bucks I can piss in that glass in the corner and not spill a drop. The bartender agreed knowing he could never do it. So the man goes into the corner and pisses all ove everything even the bartender. So he walks back to the laughing bartender and the bartender says I knew you couldnt do it. The man replies, You can have your 200 dollars, I just bet those guys over there 2000 dollars that I could piss all over your place and you still would be laughing.

Twas the night before Christmas,



and God it was neat







The kids were both gone,



and my wife was in heat







The doors were all bolted,



and the phone off the hook







It was time for some nooky,



by hook or by crook.







Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude



Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube







When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,



That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.







Up to the window I sprang like an elf,



Tore back the shade while she played with herself.







The moon on the crest of the snowman wed built,



Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.







When what to my wondering eyes should appear,



But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.







With a fat little driver, half out of his sled,



A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.







Sure as Im speaking, he was as high as a kite.



And he yelled to his team, but it didnt sound right.







Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole,



whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,



Either slow down this rig or Ill cut off your nuts.







Look out for the lamp post, and dont hit the tree,



Quit shaking the sleigh, cause I gotta go pee.







They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,



Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.







And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,



As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.







I was donning my jacket to cover my ass,



When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.







His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,



He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.







That was some brothel, he said with a smile,



The reindeer are pooped,



and Ill just stay here awhile.







He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink,



Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.







I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,



The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.







Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,



But his toys were all gone,



and some new things were packed.







The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,



The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.







A box filled with condoms was Santas next find,



And a six pair of panties, the edible kind.







A bra without nipples, a penis extension,



And several other things that



I shouldnt even mention.







A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,



A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.







This suff aint for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit,



So Ill leave em here, and then Ill just split.







He filled every stocking and then took his leave,



With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.







He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,



Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.







In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch,



Take me home Rudolph, this nights been a bitch!







The sleigh was near gone when we



heard Santa shout,



The best thing about sex is that it



never wears out!

Dont make a fool out of me – Im doing OK by myself!