Old and New Jokes

I found this warning on a small utility knife in MITs lab supply:

Caution. Blade is sharp. Keep out of children.

A computer engineer, a systems analyst, and a programmer are driving down a mountain road when the brakes fail. They scream down the mountain gaining speed every second and screeching around corners. Finally they manage to stop, more by luck than by judgment, mere inches from a thousand-foot drop to the jagged rocks on the valley floor. More than slightly shaken, they emerge from the car.

I think I can fix it, says the computer engineer.

The systems analyst says, No, I think we should take it into town and have a specialist examine it.

The programmer holds his chin between thumb and forefinger and says, Okay, but first I think we ought to get back in and see if it does it again.

A blind man arrives at a lumber camp & asks for a job. The boss advises him due to the fact he is blind & lumber work is very dangerous there are no available postions. The blind man protests & advises the boss he is able to identify trees buy smell & could go out ahead of the cutting crew & mark whatever trees were to be cut that day.

The boss decides to give him a try & takes him out to the lumber yard outside. The first piece of wood he comes to he hands it to the blind man who then passes it under his nose & advises it Fir



The boss is impressed & picksup a second piece of wood.Again the blind man passes it under his nose & advises its Redwood. This continues all around the lumber yard & the blind man never makes a mistake. The secetary has seen this display & decides to throw a curve at this lumber expert. Taking a ruler she runs it between her legs & passes it to the foreman who inturn hands it to the blindman, he smells the ruler & appears confused, finally he advises he is not sure but its either Pussy Willow or a board off an Old Shit House.

Verbal: Able to whine in words

Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.

Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into get a sponge.

A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Shortly after he recovers from his an anesthetic his surgeon comes in and tells him: Well, Ive got good news and Ive got bad news for you.

Give me the bad news first, Doc. says the patient.

Im afraid that we accidentally cut your balls off during surgery, son.

Oh my god! the patient cries, breaking into tears.

But the good news, the doctor adds, is that we had them biopsied and youll be relieved to know that they werent malignant.

A Fart. It goes through your pants and doesnt even leave a hole.

We got off the Titanic first.



We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.



We never ejaculate prematurely.



We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.



We absently hum tunes from musicals without anyone being suspect of our sexuality.



When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous.



When men buy a blow up doll its pathetic.



We dont have to get our strength up between sessions… and its much easier for us to get some in the first place.



We can get off with teenagers without being called dirty old perverts.



Our boyfriends clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous – guys look like complete idiots in ours.



We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.



We can cry and get off speeding fines.



We live longer, so we can be cantankerous old biddies wearing inappropriate clothes and shouting at strangers……



Men die earlier so we get to cash in on the life insurance.



Taxis stop for us.



Weve never fancied a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.



We dont look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

M.I.T.: I had a nervous breakdown this weekend.
Have some fries.

Caltech: I had three nervous breakdowns this weekend.
Have some fries.

Yale: I got mugged on the way to class today.
Have some fries.

Brown: I got a nose ring this weekend, Professor Smith.
Cool! Me too! Have some fries.

Swarthmore: I got a B.
Anywhere else it would have been an A. Have some fries.

Princeton: My father took away my Porsche this weekend.
Poor dear. Have some Escargot.

Harvard: Did you do anything this weekend?
Nope. Have some fries.

Williams: Dont I know you?
Of course you do, silly. Have some fries.

Cornell: I killed my lab partner this weekend.
Bummer. Have some fries.

Columbia: I wish I could be eating these fries at a better school.
Me too. Lets go get shot.

Penn: I wish I could be eating these fries at a better school.
Me too. Lets transfer to Columbia.

Stanford: Dude, I have so much work this weekend.
Like, chill out, dude. Have some, like, fries.

Dartmouth: Oh man, I got so trashed this weekend.
Have some beer.

Tufts: I wish I were Ivy League.
Here, drink the fry grease.

A guy dies and goes to heaven. Its a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says Im not very busy today, why dont you let me show you around?

The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks.

The guy asks, Whats up with these clocks?

St. Peter explains, Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged.

The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that?

St. Peter explains, Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock.

This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, Whats the story with that clock?

Oh, that, St. Peter replies, Thats OJ Simpsons clock. We decided to use it as a fan!

Imagine if your computer produced error messages in Haiku:

A file that big?

It might be very useful.

But now it is gone.

Chaos reigns within.

Reflect, repent, and reboot.

Order shall return.

Wind catches lily

scattring petals to the wind:

segmentation fault.

ABORTED effort:

Close all that you have.

You ask way too much.

First snow, then silence.

This thousand dollar screen dies

so beautifully.

With searching comes loss

and the presence of absence:

My Novel not found.

The Tao that is seen

Is not the true Tao, until

You bring fresh toner.

The Web site you seek

cannot be located but

endless others exist.

Stay the patient course

Of little worth is your ire

The network is down.

A crash reduces

your expensive computer

to a simple stone.

Yesterday it worked

Today it is not working

Windows is like that.

To have no errors

Would be life without meaning

No struggle, no joy.

You step in the stream,

but the water has moved on.

This page is not here.

Out of memory.

We wish to hold the whole sky,

But we never will.