Old and New Jokes

A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements: religion, royalty, sex and mystery.The prize-winning essay read, "My God," said the Queen, "Im pregnant. I wonder whose it is?"

1. Constipated People Dont Give A Crap.
2. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
3 If You Drink Dont Park, Accidents Cause People.
4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
5. If You Dont Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
6. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.
7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A
Little Better.
8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
9. Thank You For Pot Smoking.
10. To All You Virgins Thanks For Nothing.
11. If At First You Dont Succeed…blame Someone Else And
Seek
Counseling.
12. Impotence: Natures Way Of Saying No Hard Feelings.
13. If You Can Read This, Ive Lost My Trailer.
14. Horn Broken… Watch For Finger.
15. Its Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The
Booger.
16. If Youre Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
17. Youre Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
18. The Earth Is Full – Go Home
19. I Have The Body Of A God… Buddha
20. This Would Be Really Funny If It Werent Happening To Me
21. So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time
22. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
23. If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
24. The Face Is Familiar But I Cant Quite Remember My Name
25. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
26. Illiterate? Write For Help
27. Honk If Anything Falls Off
28. Cover Me Im Changing Lanes
29. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next
Exit
30. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
31. You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
32. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
33. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
34. Its Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now
35. I Havent Lost My Mind, Its Backed Up On Disk Somewhere
36. If You Can Read This, The Bitch Fell Off… [Seen On The
Back Of A Bikers Vest]
38. Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
39. If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over… [Seen
Upside Down, On A Jeep]
40. Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed
For 70mph.
41. Guys: No Shirt, No Service Gals: No Shirt, No Charge [Reported
To Be Seen On A Restaurant]
42. If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman
Look Like Jabba The Hut?
43. Necrophillia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A
Cold One.
44. Ax Me About Ebonics
45. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
46. Boldly Going Nowhere
47. Cat: The Other White Meat
48. Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!
49. Dont Be Sexist – Broads Hate That
50. Heart Attacks… Gods Revenge For Eating His Animal
Friends
51. Honk If Youve Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
52. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He
Is Lost?
53. If You Cant Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With
Bullets.
54. Money Isnt Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In
Touch
55. Saw It… Wanted It… Had A Fit… Got It!
56. Warning! Driver Only Carries $20.00 In Ammunition
57. What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull
58. Peta – People Eating Tasty Animals

A couple was taking classes before getting married and they reviewed the laws for couples. The rabbi put a lot of emphasis on staying away from mixed dancing parties. He claimed it to be a huge sin and to stay away.


A few sessions later they were learning about laws of family and sex. The groom asked, is all types of sex permitted? The rabbi replied some are questionable, he had to be specific. The groom asked, Is military position o.k.? the rabbi said, yes perfect.


How about woman on top?


Yes, fine replied the rabbi.


In a chair?


No problem. He answered.


Standing up?


The Rabbi got angry and said, No way, no how…it may lead to mixed dancing!

Little Jonny did not go to school one day. The next day when the teacher asked him why, he said Our cow was on heat, so I had to take her to the Bull.

How disgusting said the teacher I am sure your father could have done that

No mam, he couldnt have said the little sod It has to be the Bull.

Estando Pepito en la escuela, la maestra comienza a preguntar a los estudiantes qué estaban construyendo cerca de su casa, pero antes les dice a las niñas que cuando le preguntara a Pepito salieran corriendo cuando ella aplaudiera, porque Pepito era muy majadero.

La maestra comienza a preguntarle a los alumnos, A ver Juanito, ¿qué están construyendo cerca de tu casa?

A lo que contesta Juanito un Centro Comercial, maestra

Muy bien, replica la maestra, y como ya les había preguntado a todos los alumnos, le toca el turno a Pepito:

¿Qué estan construyendo cerca de tu casa Pepito?

Y Pepito contesta, Un cabaret maestra.

En eso la maestra empieza a aplaudir y todas las niñas salen corriendo, y Pepito les grita, ¡¡Esperen pinches putas, todavía no lo inauguran!!

Your attorney and your mother-in-law are trapped in a burning building. You only have time to save one of them.



Do you: (1) have lunch?, or (2) go to a movie?

Q: How do you know that a blonde sent you a fax?



A: It has a stamp on it.

For years n years they told me,

Be careful of your breasts.

Dont ever squeeze or bruise them,

And give them monthly tests.

So I heeded all their warnings

And protected them by law

Guarded them very carefully,

An always wore a bra.

After thirty years of careful care,

The doctor found a lump,

He ordered up a Mammogram

To look inside that clump.

Stand up very close, she said,

As she got my tit in line,

And tell me when it hurts, she said,

Ah, yes! There! Thats just fine.

She stepped upon a pedal …

I could not believe my eyes!

A plastic plate was pressing down …

My boob was in a vise!!!

My skin was stretched n stretched

From way up by my chin,

And my poor tit was being squeezed

To Swedish pancake thin!!!

Excruciating pain I felt,

Within its vise-like grip,

A prisoner in this vicious thing,

My poor defenseless tit!!

Take a deep breath she said to me

Who does she think shes kidding?

My chest is smashed in her machine,

I cant breathe and woozy I am getting.

There, that was good, I heard her say

As the room was slowly swaying.

Now lets get the other one.

Lord, have mercy, I was praying.

It squeezed me from the up and down,

It squeezed me from both sides,

Ill bet shes never had this done

To her tender little hide!

If I had no problem when I came in,

I surely have one now …

If there had been a cyst in there,

It would have popped – Ker-pow!!

This machine was made by a man,

Of this I have no doubt.

Id like to get his balls in there,

For months hed go without!!

— Author Unknown

Relayed-From: diamond@jit533.swstokyo.dec.com (Norman Diamond)

In article <…> brent@uwovax.uwo.ca (Brent Sterner) writes:

So the next time someone tells you your cheque (Canadianism) is in the mail,
you just might think about believing it.

The spelling of cheque is an Englishism. The fact that its been in the
mail for the last 8 years and hasnt arrived yet, thats a Canadianism.

One Saturday morning, Glen decided to go fishing.

He sat there for hours,but nothing. The bottle whiskey that heve took with him,was also empty. He throw the empty bottle into pieces against a nearby rock.

All of a sudden, there was something on the hook. He pulled the fish out of the water. The only fish for the day so far. The fish was so small, Glen decided to throw it back.

The little fish was so exited, to such an extend, that it decided to give Glen one wish.

He asked the little fish for some more whiskey. The fish said, Allright then, when youre urinating, it will be pure whiskey.

So Glen sat there, and wonder, can this really be? Glen took a glass and urinate in it. It was pure, pure whiskey.

A while later, a women, who was standing nearby, comes to him and asks, sir are you allright? I saw you drinking your own piss.

No, said Glen, its whiskey.

The women laughed. He urinate into the glass, and gave it to her. She couldnt believe it.

So they sat there almost for the rest of the day, drinking whiskey.

After about the seventh double, she asks Glen for a nother one. He looked her in the eye, throw the glass into pieces against the rock and said What about drinking out of the bottle?