Q: How do you tell one end of a worm from the other?

A: Put it in a bowl of flour and wait for it to fart.

These are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in Fortune Magazine:

1. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.

2. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.

3. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.

4. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.

5. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.

6. Its best for employers that I not work with people.

7. Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.

8. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.

9. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.

10. I was working for my mom until she decided to move.

11. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.

12. Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No Commitments.

13. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.

14. I am loyal to my employer at all costs… Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.

15. I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.

16. My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meterology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

17. I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.

18. As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.

19. Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.

20. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.

21. Note: Please dont miscontrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job.

22. Marital status: often. Children: various.

23. Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions.

24. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.

25. Finished eighth in my class of ten.

26. References: None. Ive left a path of destruction behind me.

Yo mama so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesnt have to kiss her goodbye.

Yo mama so ugly she turned Medusa to stone!

The last words of a chemist:

10. *H* stands for Nitrogen – and that does *not* burn…

11. Oh, now I have spilt something…

12. First the acid, then the water…

Pepito estaba en su cuarto viendo una película mexicana donde escuchaba muchas malas palabras, y como él no sabía el significado de ninguna iba a preguntarle a su mamá y ella con mucha flojera, leyendo una revista, le contestaba lo primero que se le ocurría.

¡Mamá! ¡mamá! ¿qué significa pinche?

Tus tíos, hijo, tus tíos, o sea los hermanos de tu papá.

¡Mamá! ¡mamá! ¿qué significa cabrones?

Los sillones hijo, los sillones.

¡Mamá! ¡mamá! ¿qué significa pendejo?

Mmmmhhhhh… tu papá hijo, tu papá.

Entonces tocan la puerta los tíos de pepito y él abre y al verlos le dice:

Pasen pinches, siéntense en los cabrones que hay viene el pendejo.

A bear said to a rabbit,Do you have problems with poop sticking to your fur? The rabbit said,No, why? Then the bear picked up the rabbit and wiped his butt.

On the first day of creation, God created the cat…. On the second day, God created man to serve the cat…. On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth to serve as potential food for the cat…. On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the cat…. On the fifth day, God created the sparkle ball so that the cat might or might not play with it…. On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the cat healthy and the man broke…. On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to scoop the litterbox….

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

93. Every Thursday, pack up everything you own and tell your roommate youre going home. Come back in an hour and explain that no one was home. Unpack everything and go to sleep.

Never say no.