K.O. — Hashgacha of the World Boxing Federation

DANNY K — Supervision of the Vaad HaComedians

K SERA SERA — Hashgacha given by liberal branches of Judaism

K MART — Hashgacha given by Rabbis who have decided


to discount their normal fees and make money through volume.

YUD K, VOV K — Under Divine Supervision

IM OKAY, YOURE OKAY — Hashgacha given by the local psychiatric association.

Ron and James had been camping together for a week when they finally had enough of each other, so Ron had an idea for the two to wake up early the next day and hike in opposite directions for the day and meet at the campground for dinner. James agreed.

So around 6 the next evening they meet up. Ron says I hiked north and came up to a beautiful spring, I swam for a few hours, then stretched out on the shore to dry and I watched a deer drink from the spring… it was so wonderful.

James said Wow, you had a good day. I went south and ran into some railroad tracks, I followed them east until I came across a woman tied to the tracks, I untied her and we had sex in every imaginable way all day.

Ron was so jealous Your day was so much better than mine… did you get a blow job?

Nope James replied, I couldnt find her head!

This is a joke from my pastor about the using the Scriptures out of context…

A man was looking into the Bible for some guidance. Not knowing where to look, he simply opened the Bible randomly and point his finger at a passage. Wherever his finger lands, he will take as advice.

Heres the first: Judas went out and hanged himself. Not knowing what to make out of that, he tried again.

This time it is: Go and do likewise. Completely baffled, he tried a third time.

Whatever you are to do, do so quickly.

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her as planned, hoping she will be well cared for.
The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright.
This goes on all morning.
Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right? they ask.
Its pretty nice, she replies. Except they wont let me fart.

How Does a dummy kill a mole? He buries it.

So you can tell them apart from feminists.

(This story is old and is from a time when even in France certain rubber and
leather goods were not openly sold.)

An American couple is in Paris, a much awaited trip, when suddenly the wife
dies of a heart attack. The husband decides to have her buried there as the
visit to France was something they had longed for for many years. All
arrangements are made when he suddenly realizes that he doesnt have a black
hat for the funeral. The hotel concierge tells him that what he wants is a
chapeau noir. So off he goes to find a store open late.

First he meets a gendarme and in his fractured French asks, Msieur, ou
pouvais-je acheter un capeau noir? (1)

The policeman is a bit surprised but, after thinking a bit, gives our friend
directions. The store–if that is what it is–looks a little seedy and run
down, but the man behind the counter looks friendly so in goes our friend.
He speaks first:

Msieur, je veux acheter un capeau noir.

Mais, monsieur, jai des capeaux rouges, des capeaux blancs, et des capeaux
marrons, mais pas des capeaux noires. Pourquoi avez vous besoin dun capeau
noir?

Ma femme est morte.

O Monsieur! Quelle beau sentiment!

(1) The story hinges on the pun: chapeau(hat)–capeau(slang for condom)

The Italian says, Im tired and thirsty. I must have wine.

The Frenchman says, Im tired and thirsty. I must have cognac.

The Russian says, Im tired and thirsty. I must have vodka.

The German says, Im tired and thirsty. I must have beer.

The Mexican says, Im tired and thirsty. I must have tequila.

The Jew says, Im tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes.

Three priests went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and
were exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded,
they took off all their clothes and jumped into the water.

Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their
freedom. As they were crossing an open area, a group of ladies came along from
town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, two of the priests covered their
privates, but the third one covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the first two
priests asked the third why he covered his face rather than his privates.

The third replied, I do not know about you, but in my congregation, it is my
face they would recognize.

Yo mama so fat she has to use a VCR as a beeper!