Old and New Jokes

What is easier to fill a dump truck up with.. dead babies or bowling balls?

Dead babies.. because you can use a pitchfork.

A Brooklyn lawyer, a used car salesman and a banker were gathered by a coffin containing the body of an old friend. In his grief, one of the three said, In my family, we have a custom of giving the dead some money, so they’ll have something to spend over there.

They all agreed that this was appropriate. The banker dropped a hundred dollar bill into the casket, and the car salesman did the same. The lawyer took out the bills and wrote a check for $300.

Una muchacha estaba a pocos días de casarse solo que el vestido le quedaba muy largo, así que le pidió a su mamá que se lo recortara, pero la mamá no podía debido a que se encontraba ocupada.

Entonces decidió preguntarle a su abuela para ver si le recortaba el vestido, pero la abuela también se encontraba ocupada leyendo. Decidió preguntarle a su hermana, pero la hermana estaba estudiando y tampoco podía.

En eso la muchacha se fue porque tenía que hacer una diligencia, entonces su mamá entró a su cuarto y le recortó el vestido, luego entró la abuela y le recortó el vestido y luego entró la hermana y le recortó el vestido.

Al fin llego el día de la boda y el novio y la novia se tenían que vestir. El novio le dice a ella: Tu te vistes aquí y yo me visto por allá, pero no vayas a mirar hacia allá.

En eso la novia alzó su vestido y mirando sorprendida dijo: ¡Tan chiquito y tan arrugadito!

Y el novio le gritó: ¡Te dije que no miraras hacia acá!

Did you hear about the kid who was pulled over for speeding?

The cop got out of his car and the young man rolled down his window.



Ive been waiting for you all day, the cop said.



The guy replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.



When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Knock knock.

Whos there?



Anita.



Anita who?



Anita nother 50¢ so I can buy dessert!

Q: Why are there no brunette jokes?
A: Because blondes would have to think them up.

Montana — At least our cows are sane!

What did the elephant say to the naked man? Its nice, but can it pick up peanuts?

Jesus, Moses, and an old man were golfing one day. Moses teed off first and hit a wicked slice into the pond. Unflustered, Moses walked down to the pond, raised his staff (er, club) and the waters parted. Moses walked to his ball and chipped it up onto the green.

Jesus was up next and hit the same ugly slice into the pond. But when the ball hit the water, it didnt sink. Jesus walked across the water to the ball, and calmly chipped it up onto the green.

The old man went next, and sure enough he hit the same slice towards the pond. But just before the ball could hit the water a fish leaped up and caught the ball in its mouth. A huge bird swooped out of the sky and caught the fish in its mighty talons. As the bird flew over the green, a lightening bolt flashed out of the sky and hit the bird. The fish dropped from the sky, and landed on the green. The ball popped out of the fishs mouth and rolled into the cup for a hole-in-one.

At this, Jesus turned to the old man and said…

Dad, youre such a show off!

Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister. Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville.

Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson. Sincerely, Pete. Age 9, Phoenix

Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something. Robert, Page 11, Anderson

Dear Pastor, Im sorry I cant leave more money in the plate, but my father didnt give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance? Love, Patty. Age 10, New Haven

Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every week even if she has a cold. Yours truly, Annette. Age 9, Albany

Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother wont be there. Stephen. Age 8, Chicago

Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland. Loreen. Age 9. Tacoma

Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good health is more important than money but I still want a raise in my allowance. Sincerely, Eleanor. Age 12, Sarasota

Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow. Laurie. Age 10, New York City

Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven some day but later than sooner. Love, Ellen, age 9. Athens

Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need Gods help or a new pitcher. Thank you. Alexander. Age 10, Raleigh

Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I dont think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house. Joshua. Age 10, South Pasadena

Dear Pastor, Who does God pray to? Is there a God for God? Sincerely, Christopher. Age 9, Titusville

Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class. Carla. Age 10, Salina

Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished. Ralph, Age 11, Akron

Dear Pastor, How does God know the good people from the bad people? Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers? Sincerely, Marie. Age 9, Lewiston