Old and New Jokes

Q: Whats a practical nurse?

A: A nurse who marries a wealthy, terminally ill patient.

A nurse asks the doctor if she can borrow his pen. The nurse says, Doctor, you just gave me a thermometer.

The doctor replied, God damn it! Some assholes got my pen!

Many people are in line at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter is processing them very slowly. After a while, a man with a doctors bag walks past everybody, nods to St. Peter and walks in.

One irate man walks up to St. Peter and says, How come that doctor gets to go in while the rest of us wait?

St. Peter replied, Thats not a doctor, thats God. He just likes to play doctor sometimes.

Q: What does it mean to go on the Scarsdale Diet?

A: You shoot your doctor and then spend the rest of your life eating bread and water.

Paul Randolph

Okayama, Japan

Q: How many polite, considerate native New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Both of them.

Dave works hard at the plant, puts in a lot of overtime, and then spends most evenings bowling, playing basketball or working out at the gym.

His wife, Mary, thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so, for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club.



The doorman at the club greets them and says, Hey, Dave, how ya doing?



Mary is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.



Oh no, says Dave. He works out at the gym with me.



When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual Budweiser.



Mary is now becoming uncomfortable and says, You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser.



No, honey, shes in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them.



A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. Hi Davey, she says, Want your usual table dance?



Mary, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.



Dave follows and spots his wife getting into a cab.



Before Mary can slam the door, Dave jumps in beside her. Right away she starts screaming at him.



The cabby turns his head and says, Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.

Knock-knock

Whos there?



Mark Bookspan



Quick, bolt the door!

The life story of a car.

In the 80s, a [local] radio station had a couple of DJs who claimed
the stealth fighter had landed at the Mt. Joy airport in Mt. Joy,
Iowa. This is used mainly by the weekend warriors, and once a year
its used for an air show. The authorities were notified after an
estimated 10,000 people came to the airport. They asked the
people why they were out there, and they were given the story about
the stealth fighter.

The authorities then called the FBI, who talked to the FAA, who
called the FBI back. The two DJs got yanked off the air and
suspended for two weeks — but not before some people at the
airport, armed with cell phones, called into the station, got put on
the air, and said that they couldnt see the thing. The DJs replied
that it was proof the technology worked.

To top it all off: the DJs said the only way that you could see
the plane was to move your head back and fourth — like a chicken
when it walks — and try to catch a glimpse out of the corner of
your eye. They stated that if you looked right at it, you would
never see it. This was believed and a majority of the people were
doing just this when the police arrived!

An obviously intoxicated gentleman staggers into a tavern and seats himself at the bar. After being served, he notices a woman sitting a few stools down. He motions the bartender over and says Bartender, Id like to buy that old douche bag down there a drink.

Somewhat offended, the bartender replies Sir, I run a respectable establishment, and I dont appreciate you calling my female customers douche bags.

The man looked ashamed of himself and muttered Youre right, that was uncalled for…please allow me to buy the woman a cocktail.

Thats better said the bartender and he approached the woman. Maam, the gentleman down the bar would like to buy you a drink… what would you like?

How nice! replied the woman, Ill have a vinegar and water.

Type every word in a different font. Alternate really big fonts with really small fonts.Support your thesis with quotes from your VCR manual.Write the entire paper on Post-it notes and turn it in by sticking them all over the professors door.Switch the names of prominent history figures with the names of your friends, classmates, etc. Claim that your roommate led the Spanish Armada.Write a paper discussing why Michelangelo got to be a Teenage
Mutant Ninja Turtle, but Van Gogh didnt. Discuss whether Van Gogh would have used nunchakus or katanas.Write your paper by cutting out words from magazines and sticking them on the page, ransom-note style.End the paper with This paper will self-destruct in 10 seconds.Perfume the paper with catnip. Explain that it was to keep your dog from eating it.If assigned a paper in philosophy class, explain that you cant do the paper because youre not sure if the class really exists, or if it and the professor are just illusions created by
your subconscious. If you do end up writing the paper, write about that.If assigned a 2000-word paper, draw two pictures of what the paper was supposed to be about. After all, a picture is worth 1000 words, right?Type gibberish. When you hand it in, claim that your computer crashed while you were printing it, and you couldnt retrieve the original.Cite issues of Spiderman and Batman as resources in your bibliography.Turn the paper in by making paper airplanes out of the pages of the paper and attempting to fly them onto the professors desk.The night before the paper is due, call the professor and explain that you cant turn your paper in because it contains sensitive military information and is only available on a need to know basis. Insist that General Schwarzkopf says you should
get an A.Write your history paper on parchment, using a quill. Say that you were trying to get the feel for the period.Turn in a letter your wrote

Q: What would you call a cat that likes to dig on the beach?

A: Sandy Claws.

Q: Which is the cats all-time favorite song?

A: Three Blind Mice.

Q: What is another name for a cats home?

A: A scratch pad.

Q: How do you stop a ten-pound parrot from talking too much?

A: Buy a twenty-pound cat!

Q: What is the difference between a cat and a comma?

A: One means pause at the end of a clause, and the other means claws at the end of paws!

Q: If a cat is a flabby tabby, then what is a very small cat?

A: An itty bitty kitty.

Q: What is the best award a cat can earn?

A: The Purr-litzer prize.

Q: Can anything be smarter than a cat that can count?

A: Yes, a spelling bee!