Knock Knock
Whos there?
Thaddeus!
Thaddeus who?
To be or not to be, thaddeus the question!

God didnt create the world in seven days; he screwed around for
six days and pulled an all-nighter.

Q: What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?

A: An air bag.

Thousands of people flock to the annual Burning Man festival in The Black Rock Desert north of Reno, Nevada. At this big hippie festival, people run around naked, drink and do drugs, or as George W. Bush likes to call it, get ready to run for President.

Q: Do you know what the height of mixed emotions is?

A: Watching your mother-in-law go over a cliff in your brand-new Mercedes.

The State of American political rhetoric:

The plan is really a Doctor Kevorkian prescription for the jobs of American working men and women. Rep. Richard Armey, R-Texas, on the Clinton health care proposal.

At a congressional hearing Armey pledged to Hillary Clinton to make the health care debate exciting. Mrs. Clinton replied, Im sure you will do that, you and Doctor Kevorkian.

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until its free. humorist P.J. ORourke.

The people of the 5th district of Georgia did not send me here to sell them out for a mess of pottage (sic) and 30 (sic) pieces of silver. Democratic Rep. John Lewis, saying no to NAFTA.

Understatement of the year: I spun myself out of control. Republican consultant Edward Rollins on his post-election statements about suppressing black voter turnout in the New Jersey governors race.

If were going to prepare them for what goes on in the front seat, we ought to prepare them for goes on in the back seat. Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders on drivers education and sex education.

The scariest and the most dangerous part of (Endeavor space shuttle) mission occurs this week, when the astronauts return to Florida and pick up their rental cars. Jay Leno.

You need three things to be a successful pundit: an inexhaustible supply of effrontery, a short memory and the ability to spell the word Armageddon. Canadian journalist Gynne Dyer. If that is so, then we dont have to worry about Dan Quayle becoming a famous columnist.

But then there is Rush Limbaugh. Do you ever wake up in the middle of the night and just think to yourself, I am just full of hot gas? David Letterman questioning Rush Limbaugh who was on Lettermans show promoting his best-selling book *I Told You So*.

I was not meant for the job or the spotlight of public life in Washington. Here, ruining people is considered sport. From Vincent Fosters suicide note, White House deputy counsel at the time.

Why do men have a hole in their penis?

So oxygen can get to their brains.

[Ed: Original by Scott Turner]

These three strings go into a bar and order a martini. One string
notices a horse with a sign that says, Make me laugh, make me cry, win
$1000 on it. Meanwhile, a bell starts ringing in the clock tower overhead,
and suddenly there is a loud thud as a body falls to the street in
front of the bar. Im a Frayed Knot! screams one enraged string at
the bartender, and then disappears. Kant leaves via the back door. The
other string stands in front of the horse and pulls down his pants. It
isnt clear at this point why the horse is wearing pants.

The Inspector walks in the front door and says to no one in particular,
I cant remember his name, but his face rings a bell. Several dozen
customers instinctively stab their F keys. The remaining string gulps
down the rest of his martini and says, And at these prices, youre not
likely to see many more!

At the table in the back, the Doctor looks intently at his patient and
says, And if you dont quit jerking off, your elbows never going to get
any better! You think your thore, the patient screams back, I cant
even thit!

Theres a loud thud as another body hits the pavement in front of the
bar, and a Purdue freshman runs in the door and says, And now his brothers
a dead ringer, too!

The door to the bathroom opens and a young boy in a vaguely Medieval
costume wanders out. Do you know where some Yellow Fingers are? he
asks.

Suddenly, there is a loud crash outside and a bleeding man comes stumbling
into the bar. Was that a penguin I just ran over, or a nun with
sunglasses? he asks. I think not, says the bartender, and disappears.

A yokel gets up from a corner booth and asks the bartender (who has
mysteriously reappeared), Bartender, where is the library at? The
bartender looks askance at the hick and replies We dont serve people
from Purdue, *ASSHOLE*! and hits him over the head with a bat, killing
him instantly.

Immediately, several people scream out Im a dead ringer for my
brother!

(Fortunately, at this point the election results came in and Ferdinand
Marcos won 512 to 2.)

An Indian walks into the bar and asks the bartender for a Q-tip. Wax
problem? the solicitous bartender asks. No, buffalo come, replies
the red man.

The bartender notices a man scrawling graffiti on the wall and levels
him with both barrels of a sawed-off shotgun. The first part of the
grafitti reads:

>>>Electricians do it for the halibut.

>>I have a haddock.

>Cod, I hate this.

The bar explodes into spontaneous applause.

A prison convict stands on his chair, clears his throat and says, 57!
The room is dead silent. The silence is broken by screams from the man
trying to remove his appendix with the scalpel he found underneath his
chair. There are several examples of Universes scattered about the
floor beside him.

A disgruntled reader gets up and leaves via the front door…

I.
Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Dont try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding -glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)II.
Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face-mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.III.
Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule.)IV.
. Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.V.
Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. Hell then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so dont expect toomuch.)IV.
Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared with what you have just been through. Thats because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat. In a few days the cat will relaxenough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isnt usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But at least now he smells a lot better

Did you hear that the Pillsbury dough boy died?

Yup: got a yeast infection.

Dr.McCoy reported to Captain Kirk: Hes bread, Jim. It was a sad thing that but for a little dough some crusty old doctor could have performed a BATTERy of tests and maybe given him much kneaded treatment. If it worked, the poor soul would still be leaven.