Julie, the blonde, was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman. The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie, Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?

Sure that sounds great! said Julie.

Well, how much do you want me to pay you? asked the man.

Is fifty bucks alright? Julie asked.

Yeah, great. Youll find the paint and ladders youll need in the garage.

The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening.

Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house? asked the wife.

Well she must, she was standing right on it! her husband replied.

About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door. Im all finished, she told the surprised homeowner.

The man was amazed. You painted the whole porch?

Yeah, Julie replied, I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!

The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie. Oh, and by the way, said Julie, Thats not a Porch, its a Ferrari.

I want to make sure everybody who has a job wants a job

–George Bush, during his first Presidential campaign

This is a great day for France!

–Richard Nixon, while attending Charles De Gaulles funeral

Now, like, Im President. It would be pretty hard for some drug guy to come into the White House and start offering it up, you know? … I bet if they did, I hope I would say, Hey, get lost. We dont want any of that.

–George Bush, talking about drug abuse to a group of students

For seven and a half years Ive worked alongside President Reagan.

Weve had triumphs. Made some mistakes. Weve had some sex … uh… setbacks.

–George Bush

I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy. But that could change.

–Dan Quayle

Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in

the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right here.

–Dan Quayle during a visit to Hawaii in 1989

What a waste it is to lose ones mind–or not to have a mind. How true that is.

–Dan Quayle addressing the United Negro College Fund

I am honored today to begin my first term as the Governor of Baltimore-that is Maryland.–William Donald Schaefer, first inaugural address

The caribou love it. They rub against it and they have babies. There are more caribou in Alaska than you can shake a stick at.

–George Bush, on the Alaska pipeline

I hope I stand for anti-bigotry, anti-Semitism, anti-racism. This is what drives me.

–George Bush

If I listened to Michael Dukakis long enough I would be convinced that were in an economic downturn and people are homeless and going without food and medical attention and that weve got to do something about the unemployed.

–Ronald Reagan

My fellow Americans, Ive signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes.

–Ronald Reagan, about to go on the air for a radio broadcast, unaware that the microphone was already on

Mars is essentially in the same orbit. Mars is somewhat the same distance from the sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe.

–Dan Quayle

Now we are trying to get unemployment to go up and I think were going to succeed.

–Ronald Reagan

AND GREAT MOMENTS IN POLITICAL DEBATES: Walter Mondale: George Bush doesnt have the manhood to apologize. Bush: Well, on the manhood thing, Ill put mine up against his any time.

FOREIGN GOOFS

Bite the wax tadpole.

— Coca-Cola as originally translated into Chinese

Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave.

— ad slogan Pepsi Comes Alive as originally translated into Chinese

I am a jelly doughnut

–English translation of John F. Kennedy speaking at the Berlin Wall

We pray for MacArthurs erection.

–sign erected by Japanese citizens in Tokyo, when MacArthur was considering a run for President

You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

–from a guest directory at a Japanese hotel, 1991

It takes a virile man to make a chicken pregnant.

–Perdue chicken ad, as mistranslated abroad

MISCELLANEOUS

Im not against the blacks and a lot of the good blacks will attest to that.–Evan Mecham, then governor of Arizona

Nixon has been sitting in the White House while George McGovern has been exposing himself to the people of the United States.–Frank Licht, then governor of Rhode Island, campaigning for McGovern in 1972

Retraction: The Greek Special is a huge 18 inch pizza and not a huge 18 inch penis, as described in an ad. Blondies Pizza would like to apologize for any confusion Fridays ad may have caused.

–correction printed in The Daily Californian

Winfield goes back to the wall. He hits his head on the wall and it rolls off! Its rolling all the way back to second base! This is terrible thing for the Padres!

–Jerry Coleman, Padres radio announcer

I want you to take your balls in your hand and bounce them on the floor and then throw them as high as you can. Now, have you all got your balls in your hands?

–announcer of childrens radio show Life With Mother to her audience

Q: Why did Jesus Christ stop playing hockey?

A: Because he got nailed to the boards.

yo momma is so fat, her ass is the short cut to the grand canyon.

Sven and Ole decided to go parachuting. Sven jumps first, pulls his parachute cord, slowly drifts in the air, and enjoys the view.

Ole jumps after him, pulls his parachute cord but nothing happens. He pulls it again, this time as hard as he can, still nothing. He pulls the cord to the emergency chute, but that doesnt open either.

He passes by Sven like a speeding bullet.

Sven looks at him, and while unbuckling his parachute off his shoulders, says Sooo, you want to race, do you???

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Ali!
Ali who?
Ali, Ali oxen free!

IBM: Its Backwards, Man

Una mañana, una rubia encantadora llama a su novio muy alterada:

Tienes que venir a ayudarme. ¡Tengo un rompecabezas y no soy capaz ni de empezar!

¿Qué clase de rompecabezas?

Según la foto de la caja, es un tigre.

Como a él se le dan muy bien los rompecabezas, decide pasarse a echarle una mano. Entra y se acerca a la mesa donde están todas las piezas dispersas, al lado de la caja. Mira las piezas, luego la caja y se vuelve hacia ella:

Bueno, para empezar, lo siento mucho, pero no veo cómo unir estas piezas para formar el tigre. Y segundo, te aconsejo que te relajes, te tomes un café y después metas las Zucaritas de Kellogs en su caja…

Q: How do you know that a blonde sent you a fax?



A: It has a stamp on it.

The new inmate at the mental hospital announced in a loud voice that he was the famous British naval hero, Lord Nelson. This was particularly interesting, because the institution already had a Lord Nelson.



The head psychiatrist, after due consideration, decided to put the two men in the same room, feeling that the similarity of their delusions might prompt an adjustment in each that would help in curing them. It was a calculated risk, of course, for the two men might react violently to one another, but they were introduced and then left alone and no disturbance was heard from the room that night.



The next morning, the doctor had a talk with his new patient and was more than pleasantly surprised when he was told Doctor, Ive been suffering from a delusion. I know now for a fact that I am not Lord Nelson.



Thats wonderful, said the doctor. Who are you?



Smiling coyly, the patient replied, Im Lady Nelson.