Old and New Jokes

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his torch around looking for valuables.

When he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange disembodied voice echoed from the dark, saying,
Jesus is watching you.

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze.

When he heard nothing more after a little while, he shook his head, promised himself a holiday after the next score, and then clicked his light back on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell, he heard,
Jesus is watching you.

Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his torch came to rest on a parrot.

Did you say that? he hissed at the parrot.

Yep, the parrot confessed, and then squawked, Im trying to warn you.

The burglar relaxed.

Warn me, eh? Who are you?

Moses, replied the parrot.

Moses? The burglar laughed. What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?

The parrot replied, Probably the same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.

Viajaban tres monjas en un avión y una dice: En mi pueblo tenemos unas naranjas así de grandes. Y acompaña sus palabras con un gesto de las manos.

La otra dice: Pues en mi pueblo tenemos unos plátanos así de largos. Y hace el gesto con las manos.

La otra monjita, que era sorda, dice: ¡Ya sé de que hablais! ¡De los cojones del padre Camilo!

Cierto día se encontraba un burro a las orillas de un pantano.

De repente, sin darse cuenta tropieza y cae al pantano, desesperado empieza a gritar…

!AYUDENME, ME AHOGO!

En ese momento pasaba por ahí una hormiga que oye los gritos del burro y corre para ayudarlo.

Casualmente vio un Mercedes con una cuerda adentro, así que abre el auto, toma la cuerda y se la arroja al burro. La hormiga se sube al Mercedes y saca al burro.

Pasa el tiempo y a la hormiga le sucede lo mismo: cae al pantano y desesperada pide ayuda. En esos momentos el burro oye sus gritos y va a ayudarla, pero ya no estaba ningún Mercedes ni nada. Entonces le avienta su miembro y la hormiguita resbalándose y todo logra salir del pantano.

MORALEJA…

Si tienes una buena reata , NO NECESITAS UN MERCEDES.

Two awols were talking:

a)Boo!

b)Boo, fuck you, you scared me!

The easiest way to refold a road map is differently.

(Forwarded by an English buddy who lives in Scotland)

Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there.

After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him (no doubt carrying reinforcements of tatties, salt herring, oatmeal and whiskey).

How do you find the English students, Donald? she asked.

Mother, he replied, theyre such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and wont stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night.

Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbours?

Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes.

Q. What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?

A. An airbag.

Q. How can you tell a blonde has had a bad day?

A. She has a tampon tucked under her ear and she cant find her pencil.

Q. What does the Bermuda Triangle and a blonde have in common?

A. They both swallowed a lot of semen.

Q. Whats the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?

A. Its difficult to open the legs on an ironing board.

Q. How did the blonde burn her nose?

A. Bobbing for chips.

Q. What do you call a zit on a blondes ass?

A. Brain tumor.

Q. Why does a blonde insist on him wearing a condom?

A. So she can have a doggie bag for later.

Q. How would a blonde punctuate the following: Fun fun fun worry worry worry

A. Fun period fun period fun no period worry worry worry….

An elderly couple decide to celebrate their fiftieth anniversary by reliving their honeymoon. They get a reservation for the honeymoon suite in the same hotel at the same resort.

After waking the next morning to a room service breakfast they begin eating in the nude.

The wife says Oh Harold this is just like fifty years ago! My breasts feel all warm and tingly!

To which he replies Well they ought to Gladys ones a hangin in your oatmeal, the others in your coffee!

Two lawyers had been stranded on a deserted island for several months.

The only other thing on the island was the tall coconut tree, that provided them their food. Each day, one of the lawyers climbed to the top of the tree, to see if he could see a rescue boat coming.

One day, the lawyer yelled down from the tree, Wow! I cant believe my eyes! I dont believe this is true! The lawyer on the ground was skeptical and said, I think youre hallucinating and you should come down right now.

So, the lawyer reluctantly climbed down the tree and told his friend that he had just seen a naked blonde woman floating face up headed toward their island.

The other lawyer started to laugh, thinking his friend had surely lost his mind. But, within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a naked blonde woman, face up, totally unconscious.

The two lawyers went over to her and one said to the other, You know, weve been on this island for months now without a woman. Its been a long time…do you think we should….you know….. screw her?

The other lawyer glanced down at the totally naked woman and asked…

Out of what?

Q: How many bassists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five-one to do it and four to beat back all the guitarists who are trying to elbow him out of the spotlight.