A blind man is seeking employment at a lumber yard as a salesmen.
The manager who is interviewing the man tells him that he is more than qualified for the position other than the fact that in order to sell the lumber he would have to see it to know the size and kind of wood he was selling.
No replied the blind man, I do not have to see it, all I have to do is smell it.He then asked the manager to test him on this by placing any size and type of lumber he wanted on his desk and without touching it he would identify it.
The manager agreed and placed a 8 Ft x 2in x 4 in piece of pine on his desk.
The blind man smelled it once and correctly indentified it as a 8 ft. x 2in x 4in piece of pine.
The manager then tested him with a 4ft x 4in x 4in piece of oak.
Immediately the blind man identified it as a 4ft x 4in x4in piece of oak.
Thinking he could trick the blind man, the manager got his secretary to strip and lay naked on the desk.
The blind man smelled her up and down, then up and down again. Scratching his head he said, You almost fooled me, but thats a shit house door off of a fishing boat.
The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
– A fridge
If you die on an elevator, be sure to press the UP button.
Did you hear?
The Energizer bunny has been arrested for Battery.
The Perfect Woman would say:
1. Ill swallow it all . . . I love the taste.
2. Are you sure youve had enough to drink?
3. Im bored. Lets shave my pussy!
4. Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tammy over for a threesome!
5. God..if I dont get to blow you soon, I swear Im gonna bust!
6. I know its a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?
7. Youre so sexy when youre hungover.
8. Id rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
9. Lets subscribe to Hustler.
10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?
11. Say, lets go down to the mall so you can check out womens asses.
12. Ill be out painting the house.
13. I love it when you play golf on Sundays, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.
14. Honey..our new neighbors daughter is sunbathing again, come see!
15. Ive decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
16. No, No, Ill take the car to have the oil changed.
17. Your mother did a great job raising you.
18. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentines day thing and buy yourself new clubs.
19. I understand fully…our anniversary comes every year. You go hunting with the guys, its a wonderful stress reliever.
20. Shouldnt you be down at the bar with your buddies?
21. Not the fucking mall again, come on lets go to that new strip joint!
22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why dont you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or
8.
23. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.
24. That was a great fart! Do another one!
25. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya…
Mummy, mummy, why do fairy tales always start with Once upon a time?
They dont always, little one … Your dad begins his with:
… I got caught up in the office. You wont beleive what happened …!
– Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils.
– 21% of us dont make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.
– Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.
– 40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.
– 3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up to higher denominations.
– 91% lie regularly, so you can just throw away statistics like these based on their answers *grin*
– 27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.
– 29% admit theyve intentionally stolen something from a store.
– 50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods.
– 90% believe in divine retribution (but apparently not for lying)
– 10% believe in the 10 Commandments.
– 82% believe in an afterlife.
– 45% believe in ghosts.
– 13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail.
– 29% are virgins when they marry.
– 58.4% have called into work sick when we werent.
– 10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item.
– Over 50% believe in spanking – but only a child over 2 years old.
– 35% give to charity at least once a month.
– How far would you go for $10 million? 25% would abandon their friends, family, and church. 7% would murder.
– 69% eat the cake before the frosting.
– When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.
– Snickers is the most popular candy.
– 22% of us skip lunch daily.
– 9% of us skip breakfast daily.
– 14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.
– Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.
– 45% use mouthwash every day.
– 22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink.
– The typical shower is 101 degrees F.
– Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair.
– 9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery.
– 53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on.
– 58% of women paint their nails regularly.
– 33% of women lie about their weight.
– 10% claim to have seen a ghost.
– 57% have had deja vu.
– 49% believe in ESP.
– 4 out of 5 of us have suffered from hemorrhoids.
– 44% have broken a bone.
– 14% have attended a self-help meeting.
– 15% regularly go to a shrink.
– 78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home.
– 46.5% of men say they ALWAYS put the seat down after theyve used the toilet, yet women claim to ALWAYS find it up. Whats up?
– 30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.
– 54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet.
– 28.1% pee in the pool. Think about that next time you go swimming!
– 39% of us peek in our hosts bathroom cabinet. 17% have been caught by the host… whoops, uh.. just looking for the uh…
– 81.3% would tell an acquaintance to zip it (his pants).
– 71.6% of us eavesdrop.
– 22% are functionally illiterate. [Reminds me of the lady who said, My son aint illiterate. We was married two weeks before he was born!]
– Less than 10% are trilingual.
– 37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.
– 53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.
– 56% of women do the bills in a marriage.
– 2 out of 3 of us wouldnt give up our spouse even for a night for a million bucks. Now, make it TWO million and half the night… : )
– 20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life.
– 40% of us have had music lessons.
– 66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit for doing it from scratch.
– 53% read their horoscopes regularly.
– 16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary, mostly men, (and they say statistics dont lie. See 91% Americans lie regularly for details. Yeah, we know the rest of you men just
have wives who TELL you the anniversary is coming up!)
– 59% of us say were average-looking.
– Blacks are more than twice as likely to call themselves beautiful.
– 90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.
– 53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers.
– 28% of us have skinny-dipped. 14% with the opposite sex.
– 51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.
– On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.
– 20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.
– 2 out of 5 have married their first love.
– The biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money.
– Only 4% asked the parents approval for their brides hand.
– 1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.
– 6% propose over the phone, [but that includes only of those who were accepted over the phone, not those who were hung up on]
– 71% can drive a stick-shift car.
– 45% of us consistantly follow the speed limit. [Must be the over 55 crowd : ) ]
– 2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.
– 1/3 of us dont wear seat belts.
– 12% of men never use their car blinkers.
– 44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them.
– 25% drive after theyve been drinking.
– 4 out of 5 sing in the car.
– 1 in 3 have had an extramarital affair.
– 62% think there is nothing wrong with affairs
Manolo y Venancio entran al cine a ver Apolo 13. En el momento crucial, el actor principal dice:
Houston, tenemos un problema…
Y Venancio le murmura a Manolo:
¡Cómo no van a tener un problema si viene piloteando Forrest Gump!
Signs your spouse is having an affair by computer:
1. Lately she sits at the computer naked.
2. After signing off, she always has a cigarette.
3. The giant rubber inflatable disk drive.
4. In the morning, the computer screen is all fogged up.
5. Shes gotten amazingly good at typing one handed.
6. She makes sarcastic remarks about your software.
7. Lipstick on the mouse.
8. During sex she screams A-colon backslash enter insert!
9. The jam in the laser printer is a pair of panties.
10.The fax file is filled with pictures of some guys behind