C: Dos

C: Dos RUn

Run Dos Run

It seems a pastor from Maine skipped services one Sunday to go bear hunting in the mountains. As he turned the corner along the path, he and a bear collided. The pastor stumbled backwards, slipped off the trail, and began tumbling down the mountain with the bear in hot pursuit. Finally the pastor crashed into a boulder, sending his rifle in one direction and breaking both legs.

As the bear closed in, the pastor cried out in desperation, Lord, Im sorry for what I have done. Please forgive me and save me Lord, please make that bear a Christian.



Suddenly the bear skidded to a halt at the pastors feet, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and said, God, bless this food which I am about to receive.

Forbidden fruit has caused many a bad jam.

I found the following report, from a ships master, printed in the August
1987 edition of The Log journal – its exact history is unclear but I
think you might find it amusing.

Reproduced with permission.

It is with regret and haste that I write this letter to you, regret that
such a small misunderstanding could lead to the following circumstances,
and haste in order that you will get this report before you form your own
pre-conceived opinions from reports in the world press, for I am sure that
they will tend to overdramatise the affair.

We had just picked up the pilot and the apprentice had returned from
changing the G flag for the H and, it being his first trip, was having
difficulty rolling the G flag up, I therefore proceeded to show him how.
Coming to the last part, I told him to let go, the lad although willing is
not too bright, necessitating my having to repeat the order in a sharper
tone.

At this moment the chief officer appeared from the chart room, having been
plotting the vessels progress and, thinking that it was the anchors that
were being referred to, repeated the let go to the third officer on the
focstle. The port anchor having been cleared away but not walked out, was
promptly let go. The effect of letting the anchor drop from the pipe
while the vessel was proceeding at full harbour speed proved too much for
the windlass brake, and the entire length of the port cable was pulled out
by the roots. I fear that the damage to the chain locker may be
extensive. The braking effect of the port anchor naturally caused the
vessel to sheer in that direction, right towards the swing bridge that
spans the tributary to the river up which we were proceeding.

The swing bridge operator showed great presence of mind by opening the
bridge for my vessel. Unfortunately, he did not think to stop vehicular
traffic, the result being that the bridge partly opened and deposited a
volkswagen, two cyclists, and a cattle truck on the foredeck. My ships
company are at present rounding up the contents of the latter, which from
the noise I would say were pigs. In his efforts to stop the progress of
the vessel, the third officer dropped the starboard anchor, too late to be
of practical use, for it fell on the swing bridge operators control cabin.

After the port anchor was let go and the vessel started to sheer, I gave a
double ring full astern on the engine room telegraph and personally rang
the engine room to order maximum astern revolutions. I was informed that
the sea temperature was 53 degrees and asked if there was a film tonight. My
reply would not add constructively to this report.

Up to now I have confined my report to the activities at the forward end of
the vessel. Down aft they were having their own problems.

At the moment the port anchor was let go, the second officer was
supervising the making fast of the after tug and was lowering the ships
towing spring down onto the tug.

The sudden braking effect on the port anchor caused the tug to run in under
the stern of my vessel just at the moment when the propellers was answering my
double ring full astern. The prompt action of the second officer in securing
the inboard end of the towing spring delayed the sinking of the tug by some
minutes, and thereby the safe abandoning of that vessel.

It is strange but at the very same moment of letting go the port anchor
there was a power cut ashore. The fact that we were passing over a cable
area at that time might suggest we may have touched something on the river
bed. It is perhaps lucky that the high tension cables brought down by the
foremast were not live, possibly being replaced by the underwater cable, but
owing to the shore blackout, it is impossible to say where the pylon fell.

It never fails to amaze me the actions and behaviour of foreigners during
moments of minor crisis. The pilot for instance is at this moment huddled
in the corner of my day cabin alternately crooning to himself and crying
after having consumed a bottle of gin in a time that is worthy of inclusion
in the Guinness Book of Records.

The tug captain on the other hand reacted violently and had to be
forcibly restrained by the steward, who has him handcuffed in the ships
hospital, where he is telling me to do impossible things with my ship and
my crew.

I enclose the names and addresses of the drivers and insurance companies of
the vehicles on my foredeck, which the third officer collected after his
somewhat hurried evacuation of the focstle. These particulars will enable
us to claim for the damage that they did to the railing of the #1 hold.

I am enclosing this preliminary report for I am finding it difficult to
concentrate with the sound of police sirens and their flashing lights.

It is sad to think that had the apprentice realised that there is no need
to fly pilot flags after dark, none of this would have happened.

For weekly accountability report I will assign the following casualty
numbers T/750101 to T750119 inclusive.

Yours truly

Master

Man: Havent I seen you someplace before?

Woman: Yes, thats why I dont go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?

Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?

Woman: Both. You go to yours and Ill go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?

Woman: Im a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, whats your sign?

Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?

Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.

Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.

Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, Id die happy.

Woman: If I saw you naked, Id probably die laughing.

Youre right; were billing way too much for this.
Bet you I can go a week without saying synergy or value-added.
How about paying us based on the success of the project?
This whole strategy is based on a Harvard business case I read.
Actually, the only difference is that we charge more than they do.
I dont know enough to speak intelligently about that.
Implementation? I only care about writing long reports.
I cant take the credit. It was Ed in your marketing department.
The problem is, you have too much work for too few people.
Everything looks okay to me.

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her
girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy,
young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take
her eyes away from him.

The young man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly
toward them. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude as
to stare, the young man whispered to her, Ill do anything,
absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for
$100, on one condition.

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.

The young man replied, You have to tell me what you want me to do in
just three words.

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her
purse, and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she gladly pressed
into the young mans hand.

She looked deeply into his eyes and slowly and meaningfully said,
Clean my house.

(Order): Is each here? Does each have his opposite?

(Chaos): I am here, but my opposite is you.

(Order): Huh?

(Evil): Dont let him bug ya. Were here.

(Truth): My opposite is not here.

(Good): Is your opposite Lies?

(Truth): My opposite is Void. He couldnt make it.

(Evil): )snicker( Figures!

(Order): Agh! How are we going to seat five! This table is made for six!

(Evil): Just take out his chair and move over. Sheesh!

(Good): I have the cards.

(Evil): Ive got the chips.

(Truth): I have the beer.

(Chaos): I have the cards!

(Order): Shut up.

…

(Order): Whose deal is it?

(Evil): Do ya gotta ask that EVERY time?

(Truth): It is Goods deal.

(Good): OK, five card draw … uh, everything is wild.

(Evil): How can anyone win if everything is wild?

(Good): No ONE can win, but we all can call ourselves winners if …

(Order): I like this game.

(Evil): This is pointless.

(Truth): It is time to deal.

(Good): Here we go! Your bet, Truth.

(Truth): Five.

(Order): Five and raise you five.

(Evil): Dont you morons get it? It doesnt matter how much you bet!

(Order): I like ten better.

(Evil): )sigh( Call.

(Chaos): I fold.

(Evil): YOU CANT LOSE!

(Chaos): I still fold.

(Good): OK, Ill call. How many, Truth?

(Evil): Whats the point in taking more cards?

(Truth): I will keep the cards I have.

(Order): I will take two.

(Evil): Why?!?

(Order): I didnt like those.

(Evil): None for me.

(Chaos): Ill take six.

(Good): Sorry, you folded. Dealer keeps his. Bets?

(Evil): Oh, just get this over with.

(Order): But now we have to bet!

(Evil): Any money you put in, youre just gonna get back!

(Truth): I am in agreement with Evil. Let us show our cards.

(Truth): I have five aces.

(Order): I have five ace of spades.

(Chaos): I have a three.

(Good): Please be quiet. I also have five aces. We all win.

(Evil): Hold it, bub. Six aces, readem and weep.

(Good): Where did you get that card?

(Truth): He stole it from Chaos.

(Evil): You know the rules, boys. The pots mine.

(Good): That was a stupid game.

(Order): Whose deal is it?

(Truth): The dealer progression is opposite the deal. Chaos deals.

(Chaos): Whee!

(all but Chaos): )groan(

(Chaos): Eleven card stud-holdem with threes, eights, jacks, and kings wild…fives count as fours, fours count as nines, and queens dont count unless there is a prime numbered spade showing …

(Order): I fold …

[from rec.humor.funny.reruns. Written by Brian Cash (bcash@nortel.ca), and originally appeared in talk.bizarre]

A Chicken and an Egg were lying in bed one night. The chicken smoking a cigarette with a smug grin on its face, the egg looking thoroughly ticked off.

The egg looks at the chicken and says,

Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!

A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, Would you like to dance?

The girl says, I dont like this song, but even if I did, I wouldnt dance with you!

The guy says, Im sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants!