Old and New Jokes

In a small southern town I saw a wonderful nativity scene, but one feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemens helmets. Unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a convenience store on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.

She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!

I assured her that I did, but simply couldnt recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage.

Sticking it in my face, she said, See, it says right here, The three wise men came from afar!

Mel. Barbie Girl

Hi user, wanna go for a try?

Sure win!

Boot up!

Im a Windows girl

In my Windows world

Life in coding

Its annoying

You can tune my files

Explore me everywhere

Imagination

Illegal operation

Come on System, lets go crashing

Im a Windows girl

In my Windows world

Life in coding

Its annoying

You can tune my files

Explore me everywhere

Imagination

Illegal operation

Im a prog, Im a code

on a supermachine

when I crash,

Boot me up, and go crazy

Im your pain,

boot me up, and start over again

Run a prog, see the fail

Just delete me

You can touch, i can hang,

like i say, just boot again

Im a Windows girl

In my Windows world

Life in coding

Its annoying

You can tune my files

Explore me everywhere

Imagination

Illegal operation

Come on System, lets go crashing (boot, boot, bo-ot)

Come on System, lets go crashing (bo-o-ot, bo-o-ot)

Come on System, lets go crashing (boot, boot, bo-ot)

Come on System, lets go crashing (bo-o-ot, bo-o-ot)

Change my look, add some waves,

do whatever you please

I can act like a mac

I can beg for more space

Just log in,

Press the start

We can do it again

Hit some RAM

Swap the disk

Lets get fragments

You can touch, i can hang,

like i say, just boot again

You can touch, i can hang,

like i say, just boot again

Come on System, lets go crashing (boot, boot, bo-ot)

Come on System, lets go crashing (bo-o-ot, bo-o-ot)

Come on System, lets go crashing (boot, boot, bo-ot)

Come on System, lets go crashing (bo-o-ot, bo-o-ot)

Im a Windows girl

In my Windows world

Life in coding

Its annoying

You can tune my files

Explore me everywhere

Imagination

Illegal operation

Im a Windows girl

In my Windows world

Life in coding

Its annoying

You can tune my files

Explore me everywhere

Imagination

Illegal operation

Come on System, lets go crashing (boot, boot, bo-ot)

Come on System, lets go crashing (bo-o-ot, bo-o-ot)

Come on System, lets go crashing (boot, boot, bo-ot)

Come on System, lets go crashing (bo-o-ot, bo-o-ot)

Oh I feel theres so much lag!

Well user, were just gettin started

Oooh, I love to crash

I received this from a friend of mine…she being a little perturbed about men at the moment. Being a sensitive guy myself, I can laugh at the following. So, please note … I am a MAN, posting this. I found it quite funny.

And, incidentally, I stopped and asked for directions last night … wow … what a way to impress a girl!

Familiarize yourself with the layout of your house. If you dont know where the kitchen is stop and ask for directions.
While we are on the subject, when you are lost OUTSIDE the home, stop and ask for directions then, too.
Try not to confuse the woman of your life with your mother, your ex-girlfriend, or Charles Barkley.
Provide high level of services. This includes, but not limited to, dealing with all dead things from steak and garbage to vermin.
Living vermin are your department too.
Buy gifts that suggest that you have at least some rudimentary knowledge of the recipients identity.
If you value your life, never, ever make the following remark to a woman – not even your best friend: Im not in that much of a hurry. I guess Im lucky I dont have a biological clock to worry about.
Now that you have mastered the art of putting the toilet seat down, its time to start cleaning those little facial hairs out of the sink.
Get some friends. You need somebody to pour your troubles out to besides your wife or girlfriend. Conversations centered around ball sports dont count. And in case you were wondering a close friend is someone you talk to more than twice a year.
Learn how to tell time. Women dont enjoy hanging out on street corners.
Just so you know, its humanly possible to cuddle WITHOUT penetration.

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.

Why dont you put your money where your mouth is, he said. I will bet a weeks wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you wont be able to wheel back.

Youre on, old man, the braggart replied. Lets see what you got.

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, All right. Get in.

The young son of a financial advisor was asked by his kindergarten teacher if he knew the names of the seasons.

Sure! he earnestly replied. Busy and slack.

Passover is approaching. At the sedar table, every Jewish child will be retold the story of Moses and the Pharoah, and how God brought boils, locusts, hail and the other plagues onto the Egyptians.

Yet in spite of this overwealming evidence of Gods intensions, Pharoah refused to let the Jews go, until a tenth plague, the death of the first-born children was inflicted on every Egyptian home, passing over the Jewish homes.

Only after this tragedy did the Pharoah relent and let the Jews leave slavery and Egypt to begin their journey to the promised land.

This has been known for generations. What has not been known is why the Phaaroah, in the face of such overwealming evidence would refuse to release the Jews ater the first nine plagues.

It took eight years of research by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, the renouned psychologist and nurse, to find the definative answer.

Dr. Kubler-Ross spent those years studying the Dead Sea Scrolls before discovering the answer. And once found, it was obvious … The Pharoah was still in de Nile.

Theres a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks her class how many of them are Bush fans.

Not really knowing what a Bush fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy, little Johnny.

The teacher asks little Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny says, Im not a Bush fan.

The teacher says, Why arent you a Bush fan? Johnny says, Because Im a Clinton fan.

The teacher asks why hes a Clinton fan. The boy says, Well, my moms a Clinton fan and my dads a Clinton fan, so Im a Clinton fan!

The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Texas, so she says, What if youre mom was a moron and youre dad was an idiot, what would that make you?

Johnny says, That would make me a Bush fan!

A young, freshly minted lieutenant was sent to Afghanistan as part of the peace keeping mission. During a briefing on land mines, the captain asked for questions.

Our intrepid soldier raised his hand and asked, If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?

Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area.

Un granjero demandó a una empresa de buses por las lesiones que sufrió en un accidente. En el juicio, el abogado de la empresa le pregunta:

¿Acaso no le dijo usted estoy muy bien al policía que lo auxilió?

Déjeme explicarle lo que pasó. Yo llevaba a mi yegua en el platón de la camioneta…

¡No le pedí detalles! Limítese a responder la pregunta: ¿le dijo usted, sí o no, que estaba muy bien al policía que le ayudó?

Como le venía diciendo, llevaba a mi yegua en el platón de la camioneta y de pronto apareció un bus de su empresa…

¡Señor juez, estoy tratando de demostrar que esta persona le dijo que estaba muy bien a un policía, inmediatamente después del accidente! Ahora, después de varias semanas, él demanda a mi cliente y eso se llama fraude. ¡Por favor, dígale que responda la pregunta!

El juez le explica al abogado que está interesado en escuchar la historia del granjero y le pide a este que continúe:

Pues yo llevaba a mi yegua en el platón de la camioneta y de pronto, en un cruce, me topé con un bus que se comió la señal de Pare y me estrelló de lado. Yo quedé paralizado por el golpe y la impresión, pero escuchaba que mi yegua gemía como loca, presa del dolor. Unos minutos después, llegó la patrulla de policía y un agente se bajó alarmado por los gemidos de mi yegua. El policía la examinó y finalmente sacó su arma y le pegó un tiro en medio de los ojos. Luego, vino hasta mí y me dijo: su yegua estaba muy mal y tuve que pegarle un tiro para que no sufriera. ¿Usted cómo se siente?

I thought I would share a transcript of a particularly productive moment in my 9th grade English (sic) class:



We watched the end of Zeferellis Romeo & Juliet today in class. During the scene in which Romeo discovers Juliet, who appears to be dead, lying in the Capulet family crypt, the following discussion occurred:



Julio Baez: Yo, hes gonna jump on her!

Ms. Young: Julio, nowhere on this planet would that be an appropriate thing to say.

Julio: No, Ms. Young! I think hes a hermaphrodite!

Ms. Young: Julio, hes not a hermaphrodite.

Julio: No, Ms. Young! For real! Theres really people who like to have sex with dead people!

Ms. Young: Yes, but theyre not called hermaphrodites, theyre called necrophiliacs.

Julio: (Aside to Felix) Shes so stupid. (To me) No Ms. Young, necrophiliac is when you have that disease where you cant stop bleeding.



At least theyre learning something.