Old and New Jokes

When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember
that all men are brothers… and just give them a noogie or an Indian
burn.

You might be a redneck if…
Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.

Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here!
Roses are red, violets are blue, I like spaghetti, lets go screw.
Just call me milk, Ill do your body good.
Your bodys name must be visa, because its everywhere I want to be.
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.
I may not be the best looking guy here, but Im the only one talking to you.
My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps going and going …
That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, Id be coming too.
Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, Ill be your Burger King, you treat me right, and Ill do it your way right away.
Id like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.
I enjoy doing maintenance, you look like someone I would like to tinker around with.
You must be from Pearl Harbor, cause baby youre the Bomb -diggity.
If you were a new hamburger at McDonalds, you would be McGorgeous.
Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants.
Im a bird watcher and Im looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?
I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Walmart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.
Wanna Play House? You be the screen door and Ill slam you all night long.
If youre going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Oh, Im sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.
If you were a car, I wax you and ride you all over town.
Guy Would you like to dance?

Girl I dont care for this song and surely wouldnt dance with you.

Guy Im sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants
Excuse me, do you have your phone number, Ive seem to have lost mine.
I look good on you.
Im new in town, could I have directions to your house.

There was this man who won a contest and got one free ticket to the Soccer World Cup. He was so happy, but when he got to the stadium and found his seat he was somewhat disappointed. His ticket was for the last row, and it was way up there. He couldnt see the game, so he began looking around.

Close to the field he saw an empty seat, so he decided to go down there. He reached the seat and asked the man next to the unoccupied seat if anyone was seating there.

The man replied, No. So the guy sat down and struck up a conversation.

Who would have a seat right next to the field and not come?!?

The man answers, Oh, that was my wifes seat.

Where is she? the guy replied.

She died.

Oh, Im sorry…dont you have anyone else to come with you, a brother, or friend?

No, they couldnt come.

Why?

Because they are at her funeral.

You might be a redneck if…
You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.

Q. Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?

A. Its called, Sosumi.

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

2. You have to hold on to the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

3. Your job starts to interfere with your drinking.

4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

5. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

6. You sincerely believe alcohol is the elusive 5th food group.

7. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case Coincidence?!?!?

8. Two hands and just one mouth now THATS a drinking problem.

9. Every woman you see has an exact twin.

10. You fall off the floor

11. Hey, 5 beers have just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

12. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

13. Every night youre beginning to find your neighbours cat more and more attractive

14. Im not drunk youre just sober!!

15. Roseanne looks good

16. You dont recognise your wife unless seen from the bottom of a glass.

17. That dammned pink elephant followed me home again.

18. You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.

19. Youve fallen and cant get up.

20. The shrubberys drunk too, from frequent watering.

Tres generales, uno de Estados Unidos, uno ruso y uno argentino, están en un barco presumiendo de lo valerosos que son sus hombres. El general gringo llama a uno de sus soldados y le dice:

Tírate al agua, nada alrededor del barco y vuelve.

El soldado, sin pensarlo dos veces, se tira de cabeza al agua, nada alrededor del barco y vuelve. Entonces el general americano le dice a los otros dos generales:

¿Son estos huevos o qué?

Pero el general ruso no se deja impresionar, llama a uno de sus soldados y le dice:

Tírate al agua, da veinte vueltas a barco buceando, y caza un tiburón con tu cuchillo.

El ruso se lanza al agua inmediatamente, y sin asomarse a respirar da las veinte vueltas al barco y luego mata con su cuchillo a un tiburón que pasaba por allí. Cuando vuelve al barco con el tiburón, el general ruso le dice a los otros dos:

¿Son estos huevos o qué?

Entonces el general argentino llama a uno de sus oficiales y le dice:

Te vas a tirar al agua haciendo el salto del ángel, vas a bucear hasta el fondo del mar, vas a buscar un barco hundido con un tesoro, y mientras te lo traes aquí vas a matar veinte tiburones con tus manos desnudas.

El oficial argentino le contesta indignado:

¿Oiga, y por qué no manda usted a su puta madre?

El general argentino se vuelve hacia los otros dos generales y les dice con la cara rebosante de orgullo:

¿Son estos huevos o qué?.

Un día por la mañana, un hombre decide ir a buscar caracoles, tras convencer finalmente a su mujer prometiéndole que no llegará tarde.

Cuando está en camino, se encuentra a un viejo amigo que le invita a tomar unas copas y recordar viejos buenos tiempos. Con la distracción, el tipo se olvida de ir a buscar caracoles, y se pasa todo el día y la noche de fiesta con su amigote. Cuando se acuerda, ya por la mañana del día siguiente, se pone nervioso por la preocupación y la bronca que le echará su mujer.

Entonces, va a una tienda y compra un bote de caracoles y se va para casa. Cuando llega a la puerta de su casa, esparce los caracoles por el suelo, pica al timbre y cuando abre la mujer, el sujeto ordena a los caracoles:

Venga, va, que ya llegamos…

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the seasons gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santas market share, and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.



The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEOs annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated and should take up the slack with no discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received unfavorable press.



I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolphs role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolphs nose got that way not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santas helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.



As a further restructuring, todays global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the Twelve Days of Christmas subsidiary:



The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.



The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.



The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.



The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.



The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appears to be in order.



The six geese-a-laying constitute a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.



The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.



As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.



Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.



Ten lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the compensation committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.



Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.



We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals, and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.



Action is pending regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorneys association seeking expansion to include the legal profession (thirteen lawyers-a-suing).



Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.



Happy Holidays!