Old and New Jokes

Dear Friends:

Now that the holiday season has passed, please look into your heart to help those in need.

Enron executives in our very own country are living at or just below the seven-figure salary level … right here in the land of plenty. And, as if that werent bad enough, they will be deprived of it as a result of the bankruptcy and current SEC investigation.

BUT NOW YOU CAN HELP!

For only $20,835 a month, about $694.50 a day (thats less than the cost of a large screen projection TV) you can help an Enron executive remain economically viable during his time of need. This contribution by no means solves the problem, as it barely covers their per diem, … but its a start!

Almost $700 may not seem like a lot of money to you, but to an Enron exec it could mean the difference between a vacation spent kissing political asses in DC, golfing in Florida or a Mediterranean cruise. For you, seven hundred dollars is nothing more than rent, a car note or mortgage payment.

But to an Enron exec $700 will almost replace his per diem. Your commitment of less than $700 a day will enable an Enron exec to buy that home entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio.

HOW WILL I KNOW IM HELPING?

Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the exec you sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate, and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home. Youll also get information on how he plans to invest his golden parachute. Imagine the joy as you watch your executives portfolio double or triple! Plus upon signing up for this program, you will receive a photo of the exec (unsigned-for a signed photo, please include an additional $50.00). Put the photo on your refrigerator to remind you of other peoples suffering.

HOW WILL HE KNOW IM HELPING?

Your Enron exec will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to help in a time of need. Although the exec wont know your name, he will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator just in case additional funds are needed for unexpected expenses.

YES, I WANT TO HELP!

I would like to sponsor an Enron executive. My preference is checked below:

[ ] Mid-level Manager

[ ] Director

[ ] Vice President (Higher cost; please specify which department)

[ ] President (Even higher cost; please specify which department)

[ ] CEO (Contribution: Average Enron janitor monthly salary x 700)

[ ] Entire Board of Directors

[ ] Ill sponsor an Exec most in need. Please select one for me.

SPECIAL LIMITED TIME OFFER

Already an Enron supporter? Dont worry, in this troubled economy, there are many executives who need your help. Ford today is laying off 35,000.

The NASDAQ is deflated. Now you can show your patriotism and do something about it. The Invisible Hand will allow supporters to substitute executives from any downtrodden company listed on f**kedcompany.com. While you may never own a Bentley, wear hand-tailored silk shirts, or have a gentlemans gentleman; why deprive a worthy executive from ascending, and more importantly, from maintaining the lifestyle he so richly deserves?

Imagine the feeling of satisfaction, the pure joy of knowing that your sponsor ex-executive at the former spiltmilk.com will be able to have his caviar and eat it too.

Its just that easy – do it now!

Please charge the account listed below ___________ per day and send me a picture of the Enron executive I have sponsored, along with my very own Enron Keep America Strong Sponsor an Enron Exec: Ask Me How! t-shirt to wear proudly.

Your Name: _______________________

Telephone Number:_______________________

Account Number: _______________________

Exp. Date:_______ [ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express [] Discover

Signature: _______________________

Mail completed form to The Invisible Hand or call 1-900-2MUCH now to enroll by phone. Note: Sponsors are not permitted to contact the executive they have sponsored, either in person or by other means including, but not limited to, telephone calls, letters, e-mail, or third parties. Keep in mind that the executive you have sponsored will be much too busy enjoying his free time, thanks to your generous donations.

Contributions are not tax-deductible.

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he asks the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and asks the bartender to bring another double martini.

The bartender says, Look, buddy, Ill bring ya martinis all night long. But ya gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill.

The man replies, Im peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know its time to go home.

1. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen. This kitchen is delirious.2. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.3. A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.4. If we are what we eat, then Im easy, fast, and cheap.5. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.6. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.7. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.8. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.9. Help keep the kitchen clean – eat out. 10. Housework done properly can kill you.11. Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.12. My next house will have no kitchen – just vending machines.

My boss didnt come into work today. He called this morning and said he was having a vision problem. When I asked what was wrong, he replied, I just cant see myself at work today.

11. I find it hard to concentrate without 20 fans running. 10. I needed a home for my dust bunnies. 9. My plans to open a computer museum, might just get venture capital someday. 8. Three more and I can host a LAN party. 7. The command line will make a comeback, and I want to be ready. 6. Maybe the burglars will steal the old one instead of the new one. 5. When you get a new friend, do you get rid of the old ones? 4. Where else could you get a space heater that also runs Seti@home. 3. Its not obsolete, its previously functional. 2. So I can complain about how slow the new Microsoft operating system runs on it. 1. You never know when your first three computers go down and you need a fourth back up.

Dear Abby:My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything. Whats worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. To make matters worse, since he lost his job three years ago he hasnt even looked for a new one. All he does is buy cigars and cruise around and BS with his pals, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter left home he doesnt even pretend to like me and he hints that I am a lesbian. What should I do?Signed, Clueless
Dear Clueless:Grow up and dump him. For Petes sake, you dont need him anymore — youre a United States Senator from New York now!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Ivana!
Ivana who?
Ivana be rich!

two blondes walk into a bar …. well you would have thought one of them had noticed it!!!!!

One day, an old lady went to the store to get some food for her dog.

When she got to the counter to pay, the cashier said she needed proof that the old lady had a dog because some old people have been known to just eat the animal food themselves.

So she went home got her puppy, bought it to the store and purchased the dog food.

One week later, she went to get some cat food.

Once again the cashier needed proof that the old lady had a cat.

So she went home, got her cat, came back and purchased the cat food.

Two weeks later, the old lady walked in the same market to buy something .

She held a bag in front of the cashier and told him to put his fingers in the bag and then smell them.

When the cashier did, he said, It smells like poop!

The old lady replied, It is! Can I buy some toilet paper now?

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

53. Talk to yourself loudly in front of your roommate. After a while, begin discussing your roommate with yourself.