Old and New Jokes

You might be a redneck if…
You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

In California (especially Silicon Valley), we dont gripe about the
weather–we gripe about the high cost of housing. For those of you
just starting out (or for those of you who have already been there),
allow me to offer you:

The Complete Guide to Apartment Ad Deciphering
**********************************************

What They Say What It Means

spacious hole in the wall
to anyone living in their car
thats why were charging $200 above the
going rate

easy access to transportation Particularly in Mountain View and
Sunnyvale, this can mean:
(a) in the flight path of Moffet Field
(b) next to the railroad tracks
(c) next to a major road/freeway/highway
(d) a&b, b&c, c&a above
(e) all of the above

friendly staff Doberman pincher mentality

free utilities Thats the only way we can entice people
in this dump.
Would you pay this high rent AND the
water and garbage?

heated pool only when the suns out
only when theres water in it

workout room four walls, some free weights, a machine
or two and a clunky stationary bike

great views reach out and touch your neighbor!
overlooking the garbage dumpster
overlooking the pool
overlooking the cute guys/gals apartment

affordable to:
(a) anyone with an income of $100 K
(b) anyone with wealthy parents
(c) anyone who is wealthy
(d) anyone who wants to spend $$$ on housing

Please fill out our What?! You didnt fill out the annual
marketing survey. income? We cant show you anything
until you fill that out. You wont?
Im sorry, but we cant show you anything.

pets welcome kids arent
we just never got the odor out

AEK All Electricity Kancelled
EEk!

W/D Will be Disgusted
Worried/Depressed people

AC Atrocious Carpeting

WWC Wall to Wall Crap

great rent bargains! located in East Palo Alto
(Complex insurance does not cover bullet
holes in car, self-protection devices,
frequent theft and/or life insurance)

light and airy built as cheap as we could
cold and drafty

secure parking the managers apartment overlooks the
parking lot
No ones been robbed on the street.
covered parking

move in bonus! no one else wants it
it hasnt been rented in six months
includes last tenants stuffed parrot

!!! desperation is directly linked to the
number of !s used

rustic classic 60s decor
nothing has been fixed since the Loma Prieta
earthquake
outhouse is in the back
only one heating vent

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, Im getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldnt remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."

The second lady says, "You think thats bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed and I couldnt remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!

The third lady smiles smugly, "Well, my memory is just as good as its always been, knock on wood," she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, "Whos there?"

A guy in a mask bursts into a sperm bank with a shotgun.
Open the fucking safe! he yells at the woman behind the
counter.
But were not a real bank, she replies, we dont have
any money, this is a sperm bank.
Dont fucking argue, open the fucking safe or Ill blow
your head off! says the guy with the gun. She obliges and
once shes opened the safe door the guy says, Take out one
of the bottles and drink it.
But its full of sperm! she replies nervously.
Dont argue, just drink it he says. She pries the cap
off and gulps it down.
Take out another one and drink it, too! he demands.
She takes out another and drinks it as well. Suddenly the
guy pulls off the mask and to the womans amazement its
her husband!
There! he says, its not that fucking difficult is
it?!

Pepito encuentra sus papás haciendo el amor.

¿Qué están haciendo?, pregunta intrigado el pequeño.

Estamos jugando 40, responden.

Va al cuarto de la hermana y la encuentra con su novio.

¿Qué están haciendo?

Jugando 21, le responde la hermana.

Después, Pepito se va a su cuarto y cuando se estaba masturbando entran todos.

¿Qué estás haciendo, Pepito?, le preguntan a coro.

Aquí, jugando solitario.

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss concerned about all his employees well being asked sympathetically, Whats the matter?



To which the blonde replies… Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.



The boss feeling very sorry at this point explains to the young girl. Why dont you go home for the day… we arent terribly busy just take the day off to relax and

rest.



The blonde very calmly states…No.. Id be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.



The boss agrees and allows the blond to work as usual… If you need anything just let me know.



Well… a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde…he looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!!!!!



He rushes out to her asking, Whats so bad now… are you gonna be okay??



No… exclaims the blonde, I just received a horrible call from my sister and she said that her mom died too!!

Your mama so dumb someone asked her to trace her roots and she drew on her hair.

In February, according to police in Windsor, Ont., Daniel Kolta, 27, and
Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the
game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.

In a spy novel I had just read, the hero hid a letter in a particular statue in Washington, D.C. Since I was in that city at the time, on a whim I decided to see if the statue really contained the small niche the author had described. To my great surprise, it did — and a cellophane-wrapped letter was inside. After a moments hesitation, I pulled out the letter, opened it, and burst into laughter. An unidentified reader had penned, Good book, wasnt it?

A guy has a bad habit: He loves to hit pedestrians while he drives. So one day hes driving andsees an old lady with a cane and he decides to control his urge to swerve and hit her — but he cant. Later, he sees a kid skating and cant resist hitting the kid. Finally, he decides he needs help from above so he goes to a church and asks the pastor for help. So after church, the pastor invites him to his house for lunch. They get in the car and start to drive down the street, and just as he starts to tell the pastor about his problem, he sees an old blind man walking down the street. He swerves toward him but misses, and the pastor says, Dont worry. I got him with the door!