Old and New Jokes

IBM: Ive Been Mislead

Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Trick question. Programmers dont do hardware. (same answer really as None. Its a hardware problem.)

Estaba un topito bien caliente en la selva cuando se escuentra a la jirafa, la detiene y le dice:

Jirafa, jirafa, ¿puedo coger contigo?

Y la jirafa contesta, No topito, estás muy chaparrito.

Desconsolado, el topito sigue caminando y se encuentra a la elefanta y le dice:

Elefanta, elefanta, ¿puedo coger contigo?

Y la elefanta le contesta, No topito, estás muy flaquito.

El topito iba bien jodido cuando se encuentra a la pantera y le dice:

Pantera, pantera, ¿puedo coger contigo?

Y la pantera le dice, No topito, estás muy ciego para mí.

Y el topito insiste e insiste, hasta que la pantera acepta. En eso esta el topito bien entrado en el acto y la pobre pantera no sentía ni madres, cuando de pronto un cazador desde la punta de un cerro le da un balazo a la pantera en la oreja y la pantera se levanta rugiendo y gritando.

Y todo emocionado el topito le dice:

¡Gózalo mi negra, gózalo!

There was a men who is lost in a forest during a storm. He came to a house and knocked on the door.

A farmer came out and asked, what the hell do you want?



The man asked, Could I spend a night here?



Sure, but you cant touch my daughter.



So the man was sleeping that night, when the daughter came in. And that night, they did it. The next night, they did it, too. The next night, they did it, again.



Until one night, the daughter said to the man, I am tired of doing it in your room.



So the man went to the daughters room and did it. The next night, they did it The next night, they did it, too The next night, they did it again.



They have done it in every single room in the house EXECPT the fathers room.



So one night they decided to go to the fathers room and do it. When they went in, the father has fallen deep into sleep.



The man asked, what the hell is that hairy thing in his bed?



The daughter said, its his hairy ass



So the man and the daughter were doing it in his room for 2 weeks and they loved it.



But unfortunatly, one day, the father came to the man and go, we need to talk.



What, I didnt have sex with your daughter!



I will tell you the truth, I dont care if you have sex with my daughter anymore, just dont use my hairy ass as a score board!

1. Turn the radio on. When the instructors hand reaches to turn

it off, slap his/her hand.



2.Rev the car really high, turn to the instructor, and say with an



evil look, Buckle Up!



3.Come dressed in a suit.Before the examiner gets in the car,



ask him/her to put a peice of saran wrap so he doesnt get the



seat dirty.



4. When the examiner tells you to stop, pop the hood clutch



and say, oops!



5.Get in the car, look down at the pedals, and say, now which



one is the gas again?



6.Fill your car with beer bottles.



7. After the instructor gets in the car, pop the hood, get out



and the oil.



8. Throughout the entire test, talk about how Aunt Gertrude



smells like mothballs.



9.Swear at everybody on the road.



10. Tell the Registar that you are taking the remidial test.



11. When your at a red light look back and forth between the



light and the person next to you.



12.Beep your horn at everything.



13.Flip everyone off.



14. Before you go to take the test hang a stuffed hand outside



the trunk so that it looks like someone is inside.



15. Break off your rear-veiw mirror and then ask the instructor



to hold it

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

44. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you want.

In the gloom they told me cheer up, it could be worse.
They were right – I did and it was.

A man goes to visit the grave of his mother, puts a beautiful bouquet at the headstone and gets up, to leave when he notices another man crying his heart out, lying on one of the graves in such a way, that he breaks the other mans heart.

The sobbing goes on and on and he hears the other say:

– Oh why? Why did you have to die!? Why did you go?

And then he breaks down sobbing again, hitting his head over the headstone, still crying:

-Oh why did you die!? Why did you go so soon?

Intringued, the other guy goes to him and says:

Im so sorry for your loss, is there anything I can do for you?

Who is the person you are crying over so desperately, he asks, in compassion?

Thats my wifes third husband, comes the reply, between sobs.

Im number four…..

Knock Knock…

Whos There?

Boo…

Boo Who?

Stop crying its just a joke!

A woman and a man were involved in a car accident — it was a bad one. Both of their cars were totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of them were hurt.

After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said, So, youre a man — thats interesting. Im a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! Theres nothing left, but fortunately we are both unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends, and live together in peace for the rest of our days.

The man thoughtfully replied, I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!

The woman continued, And look at this, heres another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didnt break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.

Then she handed the bottle to the man. The man nodded his head in agreement, opened it, and drank half the bottle. He then handed it back to the woman. The woman took the bottle, and immediately put the cork back in, and handed it back to the man.

In surprise, he asked, Arent you having any?

No, the woman replied, I think Ill just wait for the police…